What would your name be if you were born a completely different person at a different time?

Cheer up, Bob. If this were 1915, you'd be named Rochelle. (via ThinkStock)

It's strange to think, but our names can fall in and out of fashion, like pleats. Are you one of those people with a drab and outdated name, like Howard or Eunice? Want to find a hot new name for 2015? Well, TIME has compiled the latest data from the Social Security Administration's annual list of the most popular baby names and created a handy interactive tool to find out what your name would be if you were born today.

It works by judging the popularity of your name when you were born and measuring it against the latest list of the most popular baby names. For example, my name, Adam, was the 18th most popular name in the year of my birth. So, according to TIME's interactive tool, if I were born today, I would be named David, the 18th most popular baby name for boys currently. Not bad. David is a sturdy, Biblical name. Glad to see it's coming back.

The tool will also give you your names by decade. Curiously, my 1980s name is Charles. Surely my 1980s name is Adam, but I'm not going to pick a fight with TIME or any other magazine.

Since the interactive data on name popularity goes back to 1900, let's look up some famous Americans would be named if they were reborn today.

• Talk show host Jaydon O'Brien
• Star of Mad Men and Last Man on EarthMelina Jones
• Former Secretary of State General Larry Powell
• Former Simpsons voice actor Aaron Shearer
• Jude "The Rock" Johnson
• The King of Rock Alfredo Presley
• Star of Kill BillAdilyn Thurman
• Comedienne London Diller
• Action hero Clayton Stallone
• Former child star and performance artist Craig LeBeouf

1. 'Simpsons' Producer Wants To Offer Harry Shearer A Deal That Is... Excellent

The news that Harry Shearer is leaving The Simpsons hit the Internet like a ton of bricks this morning, reminding millions of people that the ground-breaking animated comedy is still on the air. The show's producer James L. Brooks, however, is still hoping that he can talk the actor—who provides the voice for roughly eight-sevenths of the characters on The Simpsons—into staying onboard, taking his frustrations over contract negotiations to Twitter, where most business deals are hammered out these days.

Hey, we tried. We're still trying. Harry, no kidding, let's talk.

— james l. brooks (@canyonjim) May 14, 2015

Harry Shearer is leaving The Simpsons. Giving up that $400,000/episode salary is a small price to pay to get those 2 hours he works back.

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 14, 2015

2. House Of Representatives Votes Against NSA Data Collection, In Rare Decision To Actually Represent Interests Of The Public

The U.S. House of Representatives voted overwhelmingly to stop the National Security Agency's bulk collection of phone records from American citizens. Now we just need the Senate to do the same, the President to not veto it and the NSA to decide that it feels like following the law. We're almost there, people!

OMG it turns out the NSA was just spying on us to plan elaborate surprise birthday parties. Thanks for ruining it, Snowden!

— Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) May 7, 2015

3. A Full 40 Percent Of Republicans Don't Think The Government Is Planning To Invade Texas

This is surprising. Forty percent Republican voters do not believe that Barack Obama is preparing to deploy U.S. troops to invade and occupy the state of Texas. That's even more than the 32 percent who do believe in that remarkably silly conspiracy theory. Another 28 percent are still on the fence. You see, this is why the GOP primary debates is going to be the funny series on network television next year.

If I had to choose the way Obama will invade and conquer Texas I'd predict: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. By sea.

— Bill Harnsberger (@BillinPortland) May 7, 2015

4. Natalie Portman To Play Every Famous Woman From U.S. History

Just days after we learning that Natalie Portman will play a young Ruth Bader Ginsburg in an upcoming biopic, we're now learning that the Academy Award-winning actress will also be playing former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy in a different upcoming biopic. I really hope these two roles leave time in her schedule to play Gloria Steinem, Ayn Rand, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Grandma Moses, Louisa May Alcott and Sojourner Truth. Those are all the roles that she was born to play.

I think we’ve all lost focus on the fact that there’s a Natalie Portman movie where she lives in, and gives birth to a baby in, a Wal-Mart.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) June 8, 2013

5. Dane Cook Banned From The Laugh Factory For Acting Like Dane Cook

Dane Cook was reportedly banned from L.A.'s Laugh Factory comedy club for life after allegedly harassing a waitress, getting into a heated altercation with the club's owner and throwing his celebrity status around, yelling "I own this place!" I don't get it. They did know that he was Dane Cook when he walked into the place, didn't they?

dane cook's inside voice is an urban legend

— Kelgore Trout (@KelgoreTrout) June 29, 2014

They're done pillaging your childhood and are moving onto to your adolescence.

My face, about this news.(via Stylelite)

Sony has hired Leigh Janiak to write and direct a re-make of the movie that had you dabbling in witchery through sophomore year, The Craft. She seems to be taking her responsibilities seriously:

That's right, this news is bigger than Amtrak AND Prince Harry, apparently.(via Leigh Janiak)

It's not Janiak's fault that the entertainment world is a demented snake eating its own tail. Let's not hate on her; in fact, it's thrilling that a woman is both writing and directing this unnecessary re-make of a cult classic. If you're old enough to have been influenced by this movie, you're old enough to know that life does re-makes of us all. So, instead of being mad/sad like some people...:

WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN'T REMAKE THE CRAFT

— ☁Koufox Kerfox⚡ (@thunderoni_) May 14, 2015

...Let's do our first pick for new casting. Lea Michele as Bonnie. Go.

Canadian high school student Lauren Wiggins received detention for wearing a halter dress to school, but the mature reaction she posted on Facebook is what resonated.

Oh no! (gasp) A BRA STRAP! (via Facebook)

Lauren Wiggins is a 17-year-old student in New Brunswick, Canada. According to Wiggins, she wore the dress pictured above to school on Monday and received detention for being a "sexual distraction" to male students.

Later that day she posted a response on Facebook (below), making this astute observation: “If you are truly so concerned that a boy in this school will get distracted by my upper back and shoulders then he needs to be sent home and practice self control."

The letter Wiggins wrote to her school's Vice Principal is powerful, eloquent and probably the most productive result of school disciplinary action, like, ever. Instead of fretting over a dress code violation, Wiggins voiced what the punishment says about double standards, gender discrimination, rape culture and the male gaze.

Wise words from a 17-year-old. (via Facebook)

Here is the full text of Wiggins's letter to the Vice Principal:

“Dear Sturgeon,
I have a concern I would like to bring to your attention. In today's society, a woman's body is constantly discriminated against and hypersexualized to the point where we can no longer wear the clothing that we feel comfortable in without the accusation and/or assumption that we are being provocative. This unjust mindset towards women is absolutely absurd. The fact that authority figures, especially males, can tell young women they must cover up their shoulders and their backs because it's “inappropriate" and “a distraction" is very uncomforting. Schools are the social building blocks in an adolescent's life meant to teach them how to communicate and develop relationships with others and also learning about themselves and who they want to be. It's preached upon us to be individual, to be ourselves. The double standard here is that when we try, we are then told we're wrong. We may not truly dress, act or speak how we want because authority figures, and I use that term very loosely such as yourself, tell us we can't. Yes, I understand there are restrictions to how much and how little of your body that shows, but that applies when people show up in their bikinis or bra and panties. Though I do believe women should legally be allowed to publicly be shirtless considering males are, it's mindsets like yours that keep that as something that is shamed upon. So no, Mr. Sturgeon, I will not search for something to cover up my back and shoulders because I am not showing them off with the intention to gain positive sexual feedback from the teenage boys in my school. I am especially not showing them to receive any comments, positive or negative, from anybody else besides myself because the only person who can make any sort of judgment on my body and the fabrics I place on it is me.
If you are truly so concerned that a boy in this school will get distracted by my upper back and shoulders then he needs to be sent home and practice self control.
Thank you, have a nice day."

We can all learn from this. Have a nice day.

Jase Smithyman is an Auckland man who was born with no arms and he's willing to answer all the questions you have about how he gets things done.

Smithyman seems like a very chill, self-aware dude. In the intro to his project documenting how he does the ordinary tasks we all take for granted, but with no arms, he says people ask him questions all the time or "blow smoke up his ass" with praise for living his life, though living his life is pretty normal to him. Instead of being mad about it, he's decided to film himself doing some of the stuff he gets asked about the most. He started with shaving:

Towards the end of the video above Jase talks a little bit about how people trying to help him has, at times, made it difficult to find his own life hacks. He says he's planning to buy an assortment of jars and discover the secret to opening them on camera. He's also a musician by trade and plans to show off some of his instrumentals. Meanwhile, here's his video of using a Bic lighter, in case you're wondering how he maintains his smoking habit:

I would say this is all very impressive, but clearly for Jase it's just him being Jase.

A gathering of wild deer paused for a peaceful moment on a snow-covered field, until Ron had to go and mess everything up.Really, Ron? You're going to give in to your body's natural impulses and just sneeze? When there are deer? Who are drinking water? Together? In a little deer family?

That's just great, Ron. I hope you're happy about what you've done.

81-year-old Clarence Blackmon called 911 because he needed food and couldn't move. Luckily, his call was answered by Marilyn Hinson.

Clarence Blackmon is 81 and lives alone in Fayetteville, North Carolina. This week, he returned home after months spent in the hospital for cancer treatment, only to find there was no food in his house. Tired and hungry, he found that he didn't even have the energy to get out of his chair. Without any friends or family in the area, he realized he was stuck and did the only thing he could think of: he called 911.

"What I need is someone to get to the grocery store and bring me some food because I need to eat something. Whatever you can do to help, obviously. I can't do anything. I can't go anywhere. I can't get out of my damn chair."

Making deliveries is not the job of emergency services, and a more cold-hearted operator might have hung up on him. But not Marilyn Hinson. She was moved by Blackmon's desperate need and honest words. She told ABC News:

"He was hungry. I've been hungry. A lot of people can't say that, but I have. And I can not stand to see anybody go hungry."

Hinson, along with Fayetteville police, came to Blackmon's house. They brought a few days' worth of groceries: a head of cabbage, popcorn, tomato juice, canned vegetables, and Pepsi. I know that grocery list sounds like the only stuff left in a store after looters got to it, but that's what he asked for. Hinson even stayed and made him some ham sandwiches. Before leaving, she gave him her number, in case he needed anything else.

Blackmon told ABC that he was "overwhelmed." He also had some very kind words about his guardian angel, Marilyn Hinson:

"She is such a delightful lady. It's amazing. Us little people need a helping hand every once in a while. Most of the time, we get overlooked. We're still here."

Thankfully, so was she.

The Stormin' Mormon in the Thrilla That's Vanilla.

The Great White Dope. (screenshot via YouTube)

You may remember Mitt Romney as the guy from the last presidential race who was whiter and more generic than the figure on a men's room sign, but guess what? Now that he isn't under any pressure to be likable in any way, he's slightly more likable! He made this video showing himself "training" to "box" former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield. This is a charity thing, so I doubt Holyfield is going to knock the silver spoon out of his mouth, but I hope they at least put on a good show (also, we know how much of a sore loser Romney is).

The last time we saw Romney this active was in a 2008 Republican primary ad which featured him jogging in a not-so-subtle attempt to remind voters how ancient John McCain was. But let's give credit where credit is due: he's still willing to be publicly humiliated for a good cause.

1.

"Judging from the number of machines trying to kill you, son, maybe I should have named you John Connor." (via redditor immorta1)

Dads. They come in all shapes and sizes (mostly Dadbods, though), but there is one thing that unites them: the fact that for 18 years, it is their job to make sure you don't get squished, slammed, crushed, dropped, or hurt in anyway. Peter Parker's "Spidey Sense" was a super-power, but only because he got it before fathering children. Apparently (according to these videos), it comes free with the territory.

2.

This is one dadbod with the reflexes of a supermanbod. (via redditor boondocksainten)

3.

I can tell I'm still in the kid category because I was still upset the wheel got dented.
(via redditor muddyjake)

4.

Screw a Father of the Year mug. This guy has a Father of the Year palm bruise.
(via redditor blitzkrieg564)

5.

This dad can have his cake and eat it too, no thanks to his kids.
(via redditor Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo)

6.

Bulls 44, Knicks 64, Dad One Billion(via redditor preggit)

7.

I just imagined the dad blowing a little smoke off the kid's shoes before holstering the little bugger. (via redditor Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo)

8.

When you're an adult, kid, you can eat as much fire as you want. (via redditor confluencer)

9.

Young lady, what did I tell you about breaking your nose on things?(via redditor Yellowben)

10.

Granted, the problem he's avoiding was one he created, but good job nonetheless.
(via redditor citizen_coping)

11.

A drone is not a child, but when an expensive toy breaks, children cry.
(via redditor librarianC)

12.

If only there was a giant version of this man for drunk college kids.(via redditor Cardinal_FpS)

13.

The less-frequently seen but always-impressive grandpa reflex. (via redditor gulpeg)

Bonus: It takes a village to catch a baby.

Ohhhhh so that's what airport security is actually there for.(via redditor yoshijaz)

Let's see that from another angle.(via redditor cubikscubed)

Bonus bonus: Raising a dog takes reflexes, too.

"Again! Again!" (via redditor jerschneid)

These two twenty-somethings are engaged, in love, and ready to voluntarily fast-forward through the fun, young portions of their lives.

In this video from Field Day and Cut, Tavis and Kristie are transformed with makeup to show what they'll look like at various ages in their lives.

It's not mentioned in the video, but they also get dressed up in different clothes and hairstyles for each time period. In her fifties, Kristie wears a black shift, blazer, and funky-but-appropriate gold jewelry, so she is clearly a middle-aged business woman. Which is perfect because fifties Tavis is wearing a tie. In their seventies, the pair is wrapped in layers upon layers, probably because they get chilled so easily at their age. In their nineties, they're both basically wearing pajamas, I guess because they can't make it far from their bed anymore. That's fine, but I do hope we have some interesting, space-age pajama developments over the next 60 years.

In a morbid twist, when they're aged to their nineties, the filmmaker asks, "What would be the last words you guys would say to each other?" So thankfully Kristie and Tavis get the opportunity to address death in this video about old people makeup.

The actor smuggled the dogs into the country without declaring them to quarantine. Now he has two days to send them back, or else.

Stars: they're just like us. All they want to do is live a normal life and do normal stuff like bring their dogs to work. The only difference is that they have the resources to charter a private jet so they can smuggle their pets to an island nation across the world, breaking local laws designed to prevent a disease outbreak. Also, once they're caught they expect to get away with it, just because they're famous. Other than that, they're like us.

Johnny Depp is in hot water right now with the government of Australia. He's there filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie (yeah, another one) on the beautiful Gold Coast. He even rented a multi-million dollar mansion to stay in until photography is completed. The problem with multi-million dollar mansions, though, is they feel so empty sometimes. That's when you need to fly in your dogs from 7,000 miles away.

After flying back to the states for surgery on an injured hand, Depp returned last month with the two Yorkshire terriers, Boo Boo and Pistol, on his charter jet. Officials had no idea until the dogs showed up at Happy Dogz, a local dog groomer.

Boo Boo and Pistol looking less happy than the people at Happy Dogz.(via Happy Dogz)

That's when the situation came to the attention of Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce. Mr. Joyce had no patience for Depp's antics, warning him that he had three days to send the dogs back to the US, or they would be euthanized. When the actor didn't comply, Joyce called a press conference.

Striking an indignant tone, Joyce told the media that Depp had 50 hours left to remove the dogs. He insisted that "Jack Sparrow" would not be given special treatment, even if he has been the "Sexiest Man Alive" twice. Jealous, Mr. Jones? He ended with a frank proclamation:

“It's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States."

You'd think that Barnaby Jones, a man with the first name of a dog, would be more sympathetic to the cute little terriers, but what he's saying actually makes perfect sense. Quarantine laws exist for a good reason, especially on an island nation like Australia. Those laws have successfully kept rabies out of the country, in addition to many other infectious diseases that have the potential to devastate the local wildlife. And while it's unlikely Johnny Depp's dogs are rabid, you can never be too safe. Nobody in Australia wants another cane toad situation.

A petition to allow the dogs to stay has already gathered over 12,000 signatures from Depp's fans, who, unlike his dogs, are definitely rabid. Nevertheless, it seems unlikely that Minister Joyce will back down. Like he said, if allowances are made for celebrities, "why don't we just break the laws for everybody?"

Also, despite his bad boy persona, I doubt Johnny Depp will defy Australia and risk having his dogs put down. That would probably start a big argument with his wife, Amber Heard. Forgetting to walk the dog starts a lot of fights between married people. I can't imagine what getting the dogs killed in an international incident would do.

Sleeping with a guy for the first time requires lots of preparation.

You want to put your best foot (especially if he's into that kind of thing) forward. Here's a handy checklist to keep track of all of the super fun and absolutely mandatory steps toward being perfectly bone-able.

1. Spend 40 minutes crafting the perfect text message about seeing each other tonight.

2. Immediately regret using the flan emoji.

3. Get manicure and pedicure.

4. Read all of the articles you missed from the week while getting manicure and pedicure.

5. Feel crushing guilt thanks to the New York Times for getting a manicure and pedicure.

6. Tip generously.

7. Go for a bikini wax.

8. Tell your bikini waxer that no, you are not married, that's why you're here.

9. Take Advil to recover from bikini wax.

10. Wash your sheets.

11. Try to ignore the shocking amount of pita chip crumbs in your sheets.

12. Wonder if you had gone to law school like your mother wanted whether you would have laundry in your apartment and not have to go do this at a laundromat.

13. Make your bed with fresh sheets.

14. Exert so much energy trying to put your duvet cover back on that you count this as your cardio for the day.

15. Clean up your room.

16. Get sidetracked for 45 minutes going through your clothes and trying to figure out if you really need to hold on to a t-shirt that says “Sorry I'm Crabby, I'm From Maryland."

17. Shower.

18. Perfectly blow out your hair.

19. Whip your hair around like you desperately hope it will be moving when you're having sex, even though you know you'll mostly just be lying on your back.

20. Put on the only matching bra and underwear set that you own.

21. Lay out a sexy piece of lingerie to change into later. This way he'll think you're the kind of woman who walks through the house in silky slips and not regional joke t-shirts with a towel wrapped around her waist.

22. Apply the perfect amount of makeup so that you look sexy before things get going but don't look like a painting left out in the rain after a few minutes of sweaty bedroom activity.

23. Get dressed in an outfit that's easy for either party to get off so that a few minutes in you don't have to say, “Ugh, hold on, I'll get it" while you pull away to fool with your belt.

24. Check yourself out in the mirror before you leave, and pretend he spent even a tenth as much energy as you did getting ready for tonight.

Just look at the perfectly spaced beauty of these 2.5 cm cubes of raw foods. LOOK.

I never thought I could feel so satisfied by food without actually eating it.
(via Lernert & Sander)

From now on, when I do a guided meditation and the guide tells me to think of a place where I am happy, it's going to be this photograph from design firm Lernert & Sander. Created for Dutch newspaper De Volkskrant in 2014, the picture features 98 foods cut into perfect little 2.5cm squares.

That TV show Satisfaction should be about these cubes instead of a marriage falling apart. (via Lernert & Sander)

Unsatisfied with your job? Make your job staring at these cubes! (via Lernert & Sander)

Hey, Mick Jagger! You're probably expecting me to make a joke about your song "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," but I am better than that, so I'm just using this photo caption to say hi. Hi, Mick! (via Lernert & Sander)

By interfering at the molecular level, researchers were able to produce a chicken embryo with a velociraptor-like snout in place of a beak. Below you'll find an artist's interpretation.

Scientists have created a chicken with a Velociraptor-like snout http://t.co/bkWWFn6jtipic.twitter.com/JV4JK7xbmi
— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) May 13, 2015

This image shows the skulls of three animal embryos. On the left is a chicken skull, and on the left is an alligator skull. The skull in the middle is from a chicken embryo produced by a team of scientists including Bhart-Anjan Bhullar of Yale and Arhat Abzhanov of Harvard. They are the lead authors of a new study in the journal Evolution entitled "A molecular mechanism for the origin of a key evolutionary innovation, the bird beak and palate, revealed by an integrative approach to major transitions in vertebrate history."

In layman's terms, they're trying to understand the link between dinosaurs and birds. As every nerd knows, birds evolved from dinosaurs after most of the latter were wiped out by a meteor strike. Although that's been accepted by the scientific community for many years, some aspects of the transformation are still poorly understood. One of those is the beak: all birds have them, and no dinosaurs did. How did that happen? That's what Bhullar and Abzhanov's team want to figure out, and the bizarre deformed skull you see above is actually an important step.

They were able to identify some key genes related to facial development that are present in birds, but not in other vertebrates. Then, they introduced a protein that silenced these genes into some chicken embryos, and what happened shocked them. The embryonic chickens developed without beaks, but with facial structures much more similar to a dinosaur or an alligator. A palatal bone in the roof of the mouth that birds have lost even reappeared.

The experimental chicken was just an embryo, but the team has no plans to carry a dino-chicken to full term, for ethical reasons. Still, that didn't stop me from creating my own artistic interpretation of what it might look like. This is what you've been waiting for, so check it out:

You're welcome.(via Matt Nedostup)

Is this image a cop-out after all that buildup? No. It's a great drawing.

One way or another, we're gonna get some decent female superheroes onscreen.

Amber Heard is just square enough to be Captain America.

It's been kind of a tough week for fans of female superheroes. The new Supergirl series seems like it's trying to out rom-com SNL's Black Widow parody, and Jem and the Holograms (screw it, I'm counting them as superheroes) looks like a secret remake of Hannah Montana.

As a palate cleanser, let's enjoy disimilis's gender-swapped re-imaginings of the Avengers while we solemnly wait for the Wonder Woman movie in 2017 and hope for the best.

Kate Beckinsale brings her steely demeanor to Iron Man.

Jennifer Lawrence seems pretty believable as the Asgardian Thor.

I'd buy Chris Pine as Black Widow, a spy who cannot give birth.

I'm disappointed we don't get to see Mila Kunis all Hulked out.

Shailene Woodley probably deserves better than Hawkeye.

Kristen Stewart as Loki is almost too on the Norse.

Check out more of disimilis' artwork on her tumblr.

UK native Jordan Parks is a self-proclaimed lip-filler addict and his lips are leaking. He wants them to stop leaking.

A naturally plump lip and a strong brow. (via YouTube)

There is a show on E! called Botched, because people like plastic surgery horror stories almost as much as they like looking at pictures of themselves through perfect Instagram filters. Jordan Parks appeared on the show because he is addicted to lip-filler and his lips are leaking. We reported on him before when he first revealed he had spent more than $150,000 on these procedures specifically in order to look like Kim Kardashian.

Parks has injected filler in his chin and cheeks, and he also gets Botox. He explains, "I can't really move my face," followed by lighthearted laugh. He then nonchalantly touches his lips and says, "sometimes, like, filler can leak out the side. It's quite scary," but he doesn't really seem very scared. Parks says, "they need to fix them because I'm worried if they keep leaking I'm going to end up with small lips again and that wouldn't be me."

He doesn't view this as a sign that is body is rejecting being pumped full of foreign substances, his only concern is losing his signature Blobfish lips.

Instead of getting doctors to fix your leaky face, maybe just stop getting lip filler? It seems so simple. However, if someone told me the best way to stop embarrassing myself was to stop drinking, I'd respond, "no, I'd rather have doctors come up with a way to make my personality stop leaking."

Here's the clip Botched: