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The middle-aged New Kids On The Block do not have dad bods.

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Yowza!! Looks like the New Kids on the Block are "Hangin' Tough" showing off the "Right Stuff" at the gym!!!!! "Step by Step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ugh, ok I'm done. I don't really give a shit, but evidently someone does. Donnie Wahlberg ("The Bostony One") posted a picture of himself and boy bandmates Joey McEntire ("Ol' Baby Irish") and Danny Wood ("The 46-Year-Old One") at the gym displaying an impressive resistance to developing dad bods.

We'll probably have to endure another round of this in 10 years for NSYNC, the Back Street Boys, and 98 Degrees (rot in hell, O-Town!), then another in 25 years for One Direction.

At least their female Facebook fans seem to be getting all hot and bothered (of course that could also be the early stages of menopause):


Please don't go, girl.(via Facebook)


Barack Obama finally got a Twitter account. Here's the best of the Twitterverse welcoming him.

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Well, it's not like the President was going to get anything done these last two years anyway.

I don't get it. Barack Obama only just got a Twitter account a few hours ago? How did he communicate with his children? They're in their teens, so I know they weren't talking to him with their voices. And how did he send cat videos to Michelle? Through Facebook?! Ugh. I'm starting to get nervous about the state of this nation.

Anyway, because this is the Internet, the response to Obama's arrival were plentiful to say the least. Here are a few of the best ones I was able to find:

And of course he got some response from fellow presidents, both fictional:

...and partially fictional:

Disabled tom cat takes on the role of impromptu mom cat for 6 abandoned kittens.

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There's a cat in Alaska whose care for a group of abandoned kittens is giving both cats and men a good name.


I've cried twice today looking at this photo. (via Twitter)

Meet Henry, the sleepy cat pictured above cuddling six tiny kittens. Henry is an 8-month-old cat who lives in Ketchikan, Alaska, and has a condition that affects his motor skills. He walks unevenly and can't jump, but his owner, Heather Muench says, "He is very, very sweet and gentle, and he has taken a shine to these kittens."

The 3-week-old kittens were found abandoned in a cardboard box by the side of the road on Prince of Wales Island. They were immediately flown to the Humane Society in Ketchikan, where they were introduced to Henry. Muench, who works at the Humane Society, named the kittens after The Brady Bunch children: Jan, Marcia, Cindy, Greg, Peter and Bobby.

Muench said, "It's kind of unusual for a male cat to decide take on the role of mother. But he's doing a fabulous job, and he's probably increasing their chances of survival."

I want to fly to Alaska to cuddle with Henry and his adopted kittens, and I'm allergic to cats. That's the power of adorable animals.

Article 11

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Kanye West, because ABC censored the h**l out of his Billboard Music Awards performance.

Nothing went right for Kanye at last night's Billboard Music Awards. First off, he was introduced by his sisters-in-law Kylie and Kendall Jenner, who were greeted with boos from the audience. Then Kanye took the stage to perform his songs "All Day" and "Black Skinhead," and he was booed too. But it wasn't until he got into his performance that the degradation really started.

Fearing controversy, ABC must have put their most conservative censor on bleeper duty. So much of Kanye's performance was muted, viewers everywhere thought that the sound on their TVs was cutting out. I even thought that, and I knew what happened before I read it. In all, more than a minute of Kanye's five-minute set was inaudible. Yeezus himself hasn't commented on this yet, but he couldn't have been happy. If there's one thing that makes him angry, it's people not hearing his music for even a second.

4. 'Mad Men' fans, because the ride is finally over.


Farewell, you mad, mad men. Farewell, you wild women.(Getty)

After eight years, seven seasons, and three plot points, AMC's critical darling Mad Men finally aired its series finale last night. Like so many finales, fan opinion was split on whether it provided a satisfying conclusion or not.

<<SPOILER ALERT>>>

The series ended with Don Draper ("Mad" Jon Hamm) meditating on a beach. Then, the show segued into a Coca-Cola commercial from 1971. Many viewers wondered if they were still watching the show, or whether, in the precise moment the show ended, they had actually been transported back in time 44 years, thus fulfilling the empty promise of every period piece in the history of entertainment.

I was one of those people. When I realized that it was just an artistic device, and I hadn't just broken the laws of quantum physics, I was deeply disappointed. B-

3. A teacher who showed 'Fifty Shades of Grey' in class.


This will be on the test.(via Universal Pictures/Thinkstock)

When I was in school and the teacher showed us a movie, I always assumed one thing: they were hungover. But for one West Virginia teacher who showed a class full of students the bondage thriller Fifty Shades of Grey, there was a much worse reason: those students were jerks.

The Charleston Daily Mail reports that the teacher in question was asked by the students if they could watch a film of their choice in class as a reward for good work. The teacher, unaware of the film's content, agreed. The movie played for ten minutes before an assistant principal walked by and put an end to it. But the students who chose the movie probably appreciated the take-charge attitude necessary to make that decision. Very forceful.

The school's principal, Jeff Woofter, struck a somewhat less-dom tone: “I will say it was an extreme lack of judgment from an otherwise very capable teacher." I'll say! Hampshire County school policy actually prohibits movies of any kind from being shown in the classroom, which just adds to how sexy and forbidden this whole episode is.

Principal Woofter declined from commenting on whether anyone involved is being disciplined. The identity of the teacher hasn't been identified publicly. The Daily Mail's article didn't even identify that person's gender. Now THAT's kinky.

2. Robin Thicke, because his dog is a pothead.







"Maybe if I sit in dad's carry on he'll have to take me on the next trip!"
A photo posted by April Love Geary (@aprilovee) on

Robin Thicke keeps blurring the lines between what's inappropriate behavior and what's just dumb. We don't mind, as long as it's not putting anyone else at risk. When a helpless animal is involved, however, it's a different story. We know we don't want it.

Thicke and his girlfriend, 20-year-old April Love Geary, adopted a rescue dog last month from a no-kill shelter in LA called Bark N' Bitches. Rescuing a dog is good, but that place's name is not the kind of press Thicke needs. They named the terrier mix Bincy, and both of them seemed immediately smitten with her. The very next day, however, Bincy got into their weed stash and had to be taken to the vet. She was released with a clean bill of health, but she wasn't out of danger yet.

Three days later, Bincy was back at the vet's office for the same reason, although April insisted it was just a contact high. Contact highs must reach dangerous levels in that house, because April tweeted about it: "IT'S NOT ME!!! Some falls on the ground or she sits by him smoking and just inhales it hahaha." Then she deleted that tweet, in a rare moment of clarity.

After TMZ covered this story, April responded. She says the second case was a false alarm, and Bincy had just eaten some garlic. Sorry if I don't find that reassuring. This dog needs to be taken out of that house, and fast. I'm sure someone will adopt her. Who wouldn't want to say they rescued their dog from Robin Thicke?

1. A man who thought he was trashing his friend's car, when it was actually a stranger's.


He should've checked the registration first.(Thinkstock)

This is a rare case of life imitating art. It's especially rare because the only thing that I consider art is The Big Lebowski.

22-year-old Ryan Smith of Bradenton, Florida was feuding with a friend of his when he decided to settle things in the traditional Florida way: by smashing a car with a baseball bat. The friend was sitting at home when he heard a commotion outside and found Smith breaking the windows of a car parked outside his house. The problem was that it wasn't his car.

Apparently, the victim's neighbor drove a remarkably similar car, and Smith had been too angry to double-check before he went to town on it. Smith was arrested and later released on $1,500 bond, and the damage to the car was estimated at $1,600. But that's a small price to pay for the sweet satisfaction of getting revenge on a complete stranger.

If you didn't get my Big Lebowski reference earlier, you should see that movie. It's great. Fans will remember that this exact thing happened in that movie. Here's that memorable (NSFW, cursing) scene, featuring John Goodman showing us why he's a national treasure:


World's luckiest man barely avoids becoming the world's flattest man.

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Man, don't you hate it when you pull into work in the morning, you haven't had your coffee yet, and you almost get crushed alive by a truck?

It feels like the same thing happens every week: The weekend is over way too fast, you're back at the office, and you're avoiding death-by-truck AGAIN. When are you finally going to get out of the rat race?

Also, the only reasonable explanation I can think of for the truck flipping like that in the first place was that the driver decided to shake things up, thinking, "The Man says that trucks should just move forward and back, but I think it's time for a side-to-side truck driving revolution!" After the accident, he promptly gave up his counter-culture ideology.

What an honest resignation letter to your crappy boss would look like.

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Hi Sandra,

I'm writing to let you know that I've taken a job elsewhere. This letter is really hard for me to write because I'm doing it on my phone after three margaritas at lunch. Working here has been somewhat valuable to me ($42,000/year to be exact) and I've learned so much about how to falsify time sheets. I'd be happy to show my replacement how our department works by not responding to any of their emails and yet ccing them on an dozens of discussions unrelated to their position.

I'm sure you understand, I can't ignore the chance to really get my career moving laterally: it's an exciting offer to do basically the same shit in a different place. Doubtless, you couldn't have gotten to where you are without a similar might-do attitude. I'll never be able to thank you for this opportunity, because I don't think I could get through that sentence without laughing. I'll miss many things about the years I spent working here; primarily my youth and optimism.

You were my boss,
Aaron

Wouldn't you rather go to a pug wedding than a people wedding?

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Two pugs in Australia got married as part of a fundraiser for Pug Rescue Victoria.


The bride and groom looking perfect on their wedding day. (via Twitter)

Jasmine and Jasper are two pugs who were both nursed back to health by Pug Rescue Victoria after being abandoned, so it makes sense their wedding doubled as a fundraising gala to support the organization. They were wed on the beach in Melbourne in front of 60 fellow pugs and 350 people who probably love pugs more than they like humans. Both bride and groom were portraits of perfection even though they had no idea what was going on.


A princess bride. (via Getty)


It's cool if I pee while wearing pinstripes, right? (via Getty)

The bride's gown was designed by Project Runway Australia finalist Craig Braybrook and valued to be worth $2000. The value of the groom's suit remains unknown because nobody ever gives as much attention to the groom. But look how happy they are! They even got a pug cake topper. I might use a pug cake topper when I get married to a human.


The details make the wedding. (via Getty)








#Repost @pugrescuevic with @repostapp. ・・・ A circle of pug love... Groom Jasper, Bride Jasmine, Best Man Frank, Brides Maid Nancy, Page Boy Gav & Flower Girl Pixie send you all a morning hug... Watch Channel 7 Sunrise this morning for an interview with the bride and groom... Jasper & Jasmine on your morning tv soon! www.jasperandjasmine.com #pug #pugrescue #pugwedding #puglife #morningtv #pugweddingmay
A photo posted by Jasper and Jasmine Rowe (@jasper_and_jasmine_rowe) on







Hero grandson preserves grandfather's memory by burning his most prized possessions.

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A true analog (hehe, anal log) hero.

When redditor bmacmachine came across a folder on his grandfather's computer labeled "taxes" a box in his grandfather's storage space labeled "books," he decided to look inside. There he found something that young men used to prize above all else: pornographic magazines.


Hustler and Penthouse, Grandpa didn't mess around.(via imgur)

I guarantee you that almost every man over the age of 30 has a story about a hidden treasure trove of pornography. Maybe it was some dirty VHS tapes in an older male relative's room, or a hidden cache of magazines in the woods, or in the garage, or in an alley, but it was there and it was cherished. The news of this pornography was disseminated (lol) orally (lol), creating a porn network that pre-dated the Internet. But times have changed.


Decades of filth. (via imgur)

That's why u/bmacmachine did the right thing and destroyed the evidence of his grandfather's perversions before his daughter could find it. It's what he would have wanted.


The burning bush.(via imgur)

When asked why he didn't at least try to sell them, u/bmacmachine put it succinctly:

I thought about it, then I thought about how guilty I'd feel spending the money. I just imagined how dirty it would feel to go the Olive Garden and get a Tour of Italy with my grandpa's jackin it cash.

But fear not, gentle reader, for at the bottom of porndora's box...

Was hope.


Now time to head back inside for some new fangled internet pornography!(via imgur)

The leaked 'Suicide Squad' footage has been taken down, but someone has video of them filming it.

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Good news for DC fanboys and girls still reeling from CBS turning Supergirl into a teenybopper rom-com with crappy pop music that they're trying to pimp.

Earlier today, leaked footage from the Toronto set of Suicide Squad definitely showed the Joker and Harley Quinn's romantic relationship to be 50 shades more sadistic.

In case the above bootleg video isn't clear enough for you audio nerds (the close-up footage has been taken down by Warner Big Brother by the time this went to print), here is a brief synopsis of what transpires.


(via Comicbookmovie.com)

We see Harley screaming for the Joker to "get out of the car" and then flirtatiously mouthing what looks like "pussy" (or "puddin"). Aw, so sweet!


(via Uproxx)

The Joker responds by showing his virility like any self-respecting guido clown from Bensonhurst would, revving his engine and getting out of the car for a confrontation.


(via Uproxx)

We then see Harley arguing with the clown prince, who's clad in what appears to be a very dapper, form-fitting H&M leather coat. Eat your heart out Kara Zor-El! It's nicer than any of the outfits in your montage.


Finally, we're treated to Harley shooting a good samaritan trying to help her and pointing the gun at Jared Leto's beautiful made-up face, only to have him seize it, put it up to his own head and slap her in the face.

Love is in the air.

Woman tries to remove devil possum from her closet only to find a special surprise.

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Woman discovers compelling new reason to clean your closet: if you don't, Satan might send an angry possum to nest inside.


Even worse, the possum tried to redecorate, repeatedly using the catchphrase "Think of the possum-bilities!" (via YouTube)

Los Angeles resident Tara McVicar discovered something unpleasant in her closet when doing some spring cleaning earlier this month. No, it wasn't pictures of her ex, but rather a hissing possum nesting in a plastic garbage bag (a garbage bag that may or may not have previously been filled with pictures of her ex; she doesn't say). Lucky for us, sharp-witted McVicar made a video documenting her efforts to get the pissy mega-rat out of there. And in the middle of those efforts, she made a discovery: the possum was a momma.


"SAY HALLO 2 MAH BEBES. THEYZ R ALL NAMED DOUG." (via YouTube)

McVicar softened to the closet squatter after that, and figured out a way to get the mom and babies out safely. You can see the entire escapade in the video below, but if you don't really like possums, be forewarned: while I think possums are adorable marsupials, a momma possum trotting around with her babies on her back might be the closet thing you can get to a real rat king.

Thinking Of You

Let this horse tucking itself into bed be the official signal that Monday is over.

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It's 5pm on the West Coast, and you know what that means: it's time for the official end-of-monday horse-tuck video.

That's right, everyone. As you all know, this video of Rumba the Wonder Horse tucking himself into bed is the official signal that the Monday workday is over. This is the Internet equivalent of hearing the Flintstones horn on the wacky drive-time radio station. Stay tuned on Friday for the video of Rumba headed to the bar and falling asleep as his coworkers tell boring stories at happy hour.

New iPhone-charging purse makes me both hate all technology and want an iPhone-charging purse.

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Kate Spade is partnering with a startup to create iPhone-charging purses for "customers who live a life on-the-go" and oh my god I'm already so annoyed that I can't even finish this headline.

A photo posted by Everpurse (@everpurse) on

Nothing makes me feel more exhausted by technology than innovations that we don't really need and mostly just serve to make us more dependent on our devices than we already are. So it's with an "ugh, here you go" attitude I announce that overpriced bag-maker Kate Spade is pairing with startup Everpurse to launch a line of new bags that will charge your iPhone. Here's a paraphrase about the bags from Mary Beech, Kate Spade's EVP and CEO, in the Wall Street Journal article announcing the partnership:

She said everyone can relate to running down a mobile phone's battery and feeling stranded, begging co-workers to borrow a charger, or jostling for access to a wall outlet at a cafe or airport. The new collection is meant to alleviate such modern problems.

Sure, I've been annoyed by those times when I need to call someone and my battery's dead, and it would totally be awesome to just pull my phone out of my bag and have it fully charged. But if you overheard a person making those complaints in real life, they'd sound like a bratty parody of a real human. Besides the fact (and I know this isn't a new argument) that maybe we should try to cultivate a civilization where we have the life skills and fortitude to survive without our phones for short periods of time? Hell, we don't even have to go that far; I'd settle for cultivating the life skills and fortitude to go without our phones long enough to get to a power outlet. If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't also be making enough money to afford a phone-charging bag in the first place (that's between $198 and $698, by the way).

I'm not even saying that the charge-in-bag technology is a bad idea. There are so many situations where a bag like that would be both great and, dare I say it, close to necessary. I'm just so exhausted by the leaps in innovation we make just to keep us tethered to our goddamn phones. It's like all of those recent Verizon commercials that try to scare you into thinking that you need a constant Internet connection so if you go camping, nothing horrible happens to your family like them actually enjoying the outdoors instead of watching a movie:

I grew up in a town of 300 people in the middle of the goddamn woods, a place where my parents had dial-up until 2012. I now make my living by spending all day on the Internet. I can tell you from personal experience that the outdoors are awesome and the Internet is awesome. But for the love of all things good, we shouldn't be constantly trying to push technology into all the moments where it didn't previously exist, furiously forcing it into the cracks of our lives like putting caulk in the wall of a log cabin. That applies to big things, like camping in the middle of nowhere, and little moments, like asking someone for directions when your phone is dead.

Of course, when the bag-charging technology drops down to $25 a pop, I'll have one just like everyone else. I just hope that sometimes, I have the good sense to ignore my phone.

Of course Jaden Smith dressed like a superhero for prom.

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And he didn't reuse his costume from 'After Earth,' so people actually liked it.*


The Comeback...(Albino jacked the headgear)
A photo posted by Téo (@pleiadianmessage) on

Oh, Jaden Smith. You wacky, ephemeral celebrity child. You may have robbed us of your Twitter musings, but at least we have this: visual proof from other people's social media that you wore a white Batman costume to prom.

I make a pledge to you, Jaden: Even if you do ridiculous things in the future (I'm sure you will) and I point them out (also likely), I will always respect you for Batman prom.

I should note, however, that there is a chance that this is just Jaden's only formal outfit; he also wore a white Batman costume to Kim and Kanye's wedding:

* I primarily blame M. Night, and not young Mr. Smith, for that cinematic misstep.


Workplace

I've watched this video of a cat getting brain freeze from ice cream 20 times.

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And I still laugh.

Cats are the weirdest about food. There's all sorts of stuff you aren't supposed to feed them, like avocados, but damn if my mom's cat doesn't love avocados! Guard your guac when he's around. A spoonful of ice cream is probably relatively safe, now and then, since it's mostly fatty cream and some sugar. Don't give your cat diabetes, of course, but as a special treat it won't hurt them.

EXCEPT FOR BRAIN FREEZE. We can all see ourselves in this furry gelato lover, gulping down something cold and refreshing, then riding the cresting wave of that particular icy headache. We all probably emit a Chewbacca growl, too. The only way out is through, and since this little guy goes back for more immediately, it was obviously worth the journey.

Mom interrupts daughter's surprise beach proposal by faceplanting in the sand.

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This mom fell down moments before her daughter's boyfriend proposed and they left her in the sand for it.

Whatever, Mom will be fine. You only get engaged once (hopefully) and nothing should spoil the moment, not even your elderly mother faceplanting in the dirt. Bill and Breanne and the fam were at Lake Michigan, one of the locations of the couple's first dates. According to BuzzFeed, the plan was for someone to distract Breanne so Bill could get down on one knee. Mom was not in on this plan.

Maybe Bill was so wound up and nervous about proposing that he didn't think his future mother-in-law might want to be standing on two feet without sand in her mouth during this special moment. Maybe her other daughter behind the camera was so excited that the plan was going perfectly that she thought yelling, "Look at your daughter, Ma!" was the appropriate tone to take with the prostrate body that gave her life. Maybe this mom falls down a lot and if they all dropped what they were doing every time it happens, no one would ever have a chance to get engaged. Who knows! We do know that she's okay and thrilled she'll get to watch her daughter walk down the aisle, since she missed the proposal. Said the videographer, Bridget:

We waited 7 years for him to propose and my mom didn't even get to see it since she was face down in the sand. Good thing we had this video for her too see!

If only there had been time to help mom to her feet.

Barack Obama joined Twitter and immediately got into a flame war with Bill Clinton.

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On the same day he started his personal Twitter account, the president traded jabs with his predecessor.


"I will bury you, hayseed."(Getty)

Yesterday, President Obama launched his most popular web-based initiative to date: a new Twitter account. And this one didn't crash! Of course, the president has had a Twitter account for years, @BarackObama, but that one was run by the White House. Those tweets were presumably written by some sad intern, with minimal involvement from Obama himself. @POTUS comes straight from the horse's mouth. In one day, it acquired over a million followers and a lot of mocking tweets.

One of those tweets came from another avid tweeter, former President Bill Clinton (who would never have an intern do something so unimportant as manage his Twitter). He gently ribbed the incumbent with this tweet:

Get it? His wife is power-hungry! The meaning wasn't lost on Obama, who fired back with this chestnut:

Boom. The only thing that would make that tweet better is if he ended it with #micdrop. It's a nice reminder that whatever political shenanigans they may get up to, these are two smart and witty guys. Meanwhile, George W. Bush doesn't even have a Twitter. I guess he's still LiveJournaling.

Finally, some brave scientists answered the question of why men exist.

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Scientists studied the sexual selection of beetles for a decade to try to figure out why men exist.


Wait! We're so much more than just genetic material! (via Thinkstock)

Why do men exist? To provide genetic material, of course! But if that's all they're doing, why do they make up 50% of the population? Wouldn't we only need a couple of men around to fertilize eggs, before sending them back into their man caves? Don't worry, I'm talking about the animal world, because I know humans needmen to help care for their offspring, install lighting fixtures, and make tough financial decisions.

Scientists at the University of East Anglia hoped to answer the question of the male gender by hypothesizing that men exist for sexual selection. They proved this by mating 50 generations of beetles for over 10 years to see if sexual selection played a role in the genetic outcome of the species. The study found that when females had a choice in male partners, the beetles survived longer and with fewer genetic mutations. You can read more details here.

So there you have it. Men exist not only to provide genetic material, but so females can choose which genetic material makes the best babies. I choose one of the middle-aged New Kids, thank you.

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