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Confession

You can find the White House on Google Maps by searching for something incredibly offensive.

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It's unclear how someone discovered this, but:


Also, the White House gets 4 out of 5 stars.(screenshot via Google Maps)

So, when you search "n***a house" in Google Maps it directs you to the White House. Also when you type "n****r house." What I think is funny about this, and there's not a lot to find funny about it, is that whoever discovered this was Google Mapping those words...I mean, that's not funny. That's awful. Why were they doing that?

I guess what I meant was, it's funny because now they're sitting on this piece of information, and it's like, do you share it? Because if you do, you're revealing yourself to be the kind of person who casually Googles "n***a house." You were trying to find a "n***a house" somewhere in America and wanted to know how long it would take to drive there from where you are. Who are you, garbage person?

If you don't share it, you're also allowing this to continue. When President Barack Obama was elected, a lot of people were eager to shout how we live in a post-racial society now. Well, HA HA HA, NOPE. Someone has straight-up labeled the home of our nation's leader with a racial slur. Possibly someone who works at one of the biggest tech companies in the world, though it's more likely a racist hacker. Here's an explanation of how that might work from The Independent:

By flooding sites with keywords that link to a certain page, users can trick Google's algorithms into making mistakes. But blog Search Engine Land noticed that there is a more complex, roundabout way of planting links: by creating a Google Maps business, getting it verified, and then moving the address, users can add apparently genuine businesses with whatever name and address they like.

Whatever you think of his politics, this is a level of disrespect that reveals more about the person who did it than it does about our president. That person could probably destroy my life with a few strokes of the keyboard, but f*ck you, whoever you are. Here's what President Obama says to all the haters out there:


Miley Cyrus's tribute song to her dead pet blowfish is oddly touching.

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Cyrus wrote the song for her lost pet Pablow.

I never thought I'd see Miley Cyrus tear up while singing about a blowfish, but I never thought I'd see her dye her armpit hair, either. She always surprises you like that.

What's even more surprising is how affected I was by this song. She clearly loved that fish. It doesn't even matter that she's in her backyard, wearing some sort of unicorn onesie. This is a display of naked emotion that no weirdness can diminish.

I hope Miley finds a new exotic pet that will bring her as much happiness as Pablow did. A bearded dragon, maybe? Or an echidna. Maybe she should just go with the classic ant farm. I bet a song dedicated to an ant farm would be really beautiful.

Rebel Wilson's response to everyone freaking about her real age was pitch perfect.

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She's 36. Yes. 36.


Caped hero.(via Getty)

If you didn't know, there was a gossip burp on the Internet this week when an old classmate of Rebel Wilson dished to Woman's Day about the fact that she's old as hellllllll. 36?! Why is she still allowed out in public? Here's the incriminating evidence:


Wow, she got a lot done then, too.(via Woman's Day)

A celebrity lying about their age? I am SHOCKED. Actually, some of the confusion stems from Wilson throwing herself a 29th birthday last year, but that seems like maybe it was one of those "lady jokes" about how we're not allowed to ever turn 30 unless we want to be put in a boat and sent down the river, a la Amy Schumer's sketch, Last F*ckable Day:

Or she's a liar! Who cares? Anyway, Rebel Wilson got called out good and hard over the fact that she's still being given parts in Hollywood blockbusters even though she's a shriveled hag. Here's how she responded:

Tall poppy syndrome is a slang term we've never heard of in the colonies that describes when successful people are attacked by haters, probably because they're standing so high and blooming above the crowd!

I'll call you whatever you want, just keep making movies until you crumble into a pile of glitter and bone dust.

Jimmy Kimmel had an emotional request for his fans.

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The host of 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' teared up while talking about David Letterman's retirement.

If you're a farmer who goes to bed early, you might not be aware that tonight is David Letterman's final episode of The Late Show. After more than 33 years in late night, Dave is leaving a TV landscape very different from the one he started in, due in no small part to his influence. Late night hosts like Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Fallon have been coming forward to talk about how Dave inspired them and got them into comedy. But last night, Jimmy Kimmel had the topper.

In a six-minute segment at the top of the show, Jimmy explained how important Dave was to him as a teenager, and how he never would have become a late night host without him. He started tearing up almost immediately, surprising an audience used to seeing him be as cool and sarcastic as his hero. Most amazingly, he urged all of his fans not to watch his show tonight, and tune in to Dave's finale instead. He'll be airing a rerun, but he doesn't even want anyone seeing that.

In the world of TV, asking people not to watch your show is almost unheard-of. Nobody knows better than Letterman fans how bitter and heartless the ratings wars can be, and Jimmy and Dave have been rivals for their time slot for the last twelve years. It's inspiring to see Jimmy put that aside for a night, just to show his personal appreciation for a man who meant so much to him, and to so many of us. I know I'll be watching Dave tonight, and so should you.

This "Price is Right" contestant found the best possible way to "Come on down!" when he got picked.

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College can-do attitude and a few hundred helping hands.

Rowdy crowd! They seem genuinely high on enthusiasm rather than a college kid's usual drug of choice: learning.

There is a long and storied history of people celebrating wildly on The Price is Right when their names are called, running down to jump around hysterically on the set. It's called the "Come On Down" syndrome and it turns otherwise rational, blasé people into excited glitter bombs of love. I've heard that producers really get the crowd pumped, but the love and support as Premal Shah gets in the video above is nuts. No one has ever CROWD SURFED like they're at a Flaming Lips concert before, as far as I can tell! I've been Googling and there are A LOT of Price is Right videos.


"OMG, that's me!"(screenshot via The Price is Right)


"THIS. IS. HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!"(screenshot via The Price is Right)


"This is the greatest day of MY LIFE."(screenshot via The Price is Right)

Even his competition is psyched to receive Shah after he's transported down to them, because at this point, he's already won. Might as well hail the conquering hero.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 20, 2015

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1. Most Famous Person On Earth Somehow Breaks A Twitter World Record

Just five hours after joining Twitter on Monday, U.S. President Barack Obama broke Twitter's record for gaining 1 million followers. The previous record holder was actor Robert Downey, Jr., who required more than 23 hours to amass the same number of followers. It's nice to see somebody finally knocking that pompous jerk down a peg or two.


2. We're Getting Hillary Clinton's Boring Work Emails Sooner Than Expected

In a move that is certain to make a lot of people's Tea Party uncles very happy, a U.S. district court has ordered that the U.S. Department of State must begin a rolling release of the emails written by Hillary Clinton during her tenure as Secretary of State beginning next week instead of in January, as was originally planned. Surely, at least one of the 55,000 emails has to include the phrase "...and that's when I decided to plan the whole Benghazi thing."


3. Science: Heat Waves To Quadruple By 2050 Despite Global Warming Being A Myth

By the middle of this century, U.S. residents will experience waves of extreme heat somewhere between 400 and 600 percent more often than today, according to research from the National Center for Atmospheric Research. This will likely be caused by environmental activists flying spaceships to the Sun and dousing it with huge canisters of gasoline in an effort to further their insidious liberal agenda.


4. Spoiler Alert: David Letterman's 33 Years On TV Has Been A Prelude To Really Great Ad For Coca-Cola

After 33 years and more than 6,000 shows, David Letterman will sit down as the host of his own late night talk show for the very last time. Fans are on pins and needles to see how his career will end, with many speculating that he will either jump out of a window or fly away to a tropical island to begin a new life under a new name.


5. Woman Who Preached The Beauty Of Human Suffering To Be Made Official Saint

Mother Teresa—the Albanian born nun who has been honored the world over for her work with the poor and sick—will officially be canonized by the Catholic Church in 2016. "There is something beautiful in seeing the poor accept their lot, to suffer it like Christ's Passion. The world gains much from their suffering," she preached, though she nobly refused the opportunity to suffer so beautifully herself (instead accepting palliative care), when she was dying in 1997. What a selfless person. I can't think of anybody who deserves this honor more.


This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter wonders if you're dating a narcissist.

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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow is all about that bass as long as the bass is organic, fair-trade and gluten-free.

Regular TWIG readers (I read the Facebook comments so I know who you are, hi!) may recall a previous edition in which Gwynnie engaged in some ironic navel-gazing over narcissistic parents. This week, she wants you to consider whether you're romantically entangled with a narcissist. Are you in love with someone who's diabolically self-centered? asks the woman who wouldn't sully herself with a word like “divorce" and thus brought us into the era of “conscious uncoupling." Well, are you?

In fairness, there are some valid points in the piece, but they lost me when they said “the word intimacy can be broken down into the words 'IN TO ME YOU SEE.'"

Call me cynical but if I can picture your self-help advice in swirly script on top of a photo of a couple holding hands in a meadow, I'm out.

Next, Our Lady of GOOP introduces us to Maud Helene, a clothing line she describes as “Italian cotton, made in NYC, designed by a beautiful couple from France." In other words, if that snotty girl who always made you feel like shit in high school was a clothing line, this might be it.

There are only six pristinely white items highlighted here, but this one's my favorite: the $350 Aristide Shirt Cape, which is promised to be “supremely flattering" and “a lot less cape-y" once you have it on.

It's perfect for anyone who loves raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, or perhaps needs to solve a problem like Maria.

Moving on, let's review the Spring Dress guide, which is divided into three trends Gwynnie loves: non-prissy florals, a "fresh spin" on the little black dress, and "broderie anglaise (i.e., sick eyelet)."

What is "sick eyelet," you ask? This. This, my friends. This is "sick eyelet."

What you're seeing here is the Sacai Eyelet Combo Dress (go see it in motion), which retails for $1315 and "pairs a sleek knit top and eyelet skirt for a charming look" reminiscent of something your kid made you for your birthday that you'd coo over and wear once (hoping no one saw you) before getting rid of it by claiming it got lost at the cleaners.

And finally, Gwynnie has a reward for you. Through midnight PST on May 20th, use the code "goopthelove" for 30% off (almost) anything in the GOOP Shop.

You can't use it for that sick eyelet (it's currently convalescing on the Saks Fifth Avenue site), but you can use it for lots of other overpriced things -- so have at it.

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

This thief was brought down by his own sleepiness.

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He turned a little B&E into a little B&B.


Just 5 to 10 more minutes years.(via FOX43)

Last weekend, a—you guessed it—Florida man was found peacefully dozing on the couch of a home he had broken into. The homeowner roused the 29 year-old Timothy Bontrager around 7:30am and demanded to know what he was doing. He apologized and went on his way only to be scooped up by the police a little later. It turns out Bontrager had tuckered himself out pilfering credit cards and writing some personal checks to himself—the little guy had a big day and got too sweepy!

This bus set a new record, thanks to poop.

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A bus powered by fuel made from manure set a new speed record in the UK.


Faster than a speeding anxiety fart! (sorry.) (via Thinkstock)

If the Speed franchise decided to make an economically-themed film, this bus would definitely be the star, at least in the vehicular sense. It runs on fuel made from cow manure, and the UK company Reading Buses nicknamed it the “Bus Hound.” It reached a speed of over 80 mph, breaking the record for a bus that runs on compressed biomethane, AKA poop.

Reading Buses' chief engineer John Bickerton told the BBC the reason for the speed test was "to get the image of bus transport away from being dirty, smelly, and slow. We're modern, fast, and at the cutting edge of innovation." I would much rather ride this bus fueled by excrement than remember the days of riding Chinatown buses that smelled like it.

I believe the next step in bus innovation will be to streamline this process by connecting a bus's toilet directly to its fuel tank. Come on engineers, you can do it!

"Get as much bacon you want": Generous 5-year-old boy helps hungry homeless man at a Waffle House.

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A child's compassion touches patrons of an Alabama Waffle House.


Ava Faulk and her son Josiah Duncan made a homeless man cry. In a good way.(via WSFA)

On a trip to the Waffle House with his mother, 5-year-old Josiah Duncan saw a strange man outside the restaurant and was troubled by his appearance. Josiah asked his mother, Ava Faulk, tons of questions. Ava explained to her son that the dirty man holding a bag and locking up his bike was homeless.

Seeing a homeless person for the first time filled Josiah with lots of worried questions. As Ava continued to explain what she could, Josiah had one question that was very hard to answer: "Where does he keeps his groceries?" The hard truth was that this man didn't have any groceries and was probably very hungry. Josiah, being a sweet innocent little boy, knew he had to do the right thing and feed the homeless man. Well, his mom did the right thing, really. He doesn't have the spending money yet, but he is still very sweet.


Josiah Duncan talks to the homeless man he helped feed.(via WSFA)

Josiah jumped up to help the man after noticing that he was not getting service from the waitstaff. Handing the man a menu, Josiah told him he could order anything. According to Ava, the man ordered "the works," even asking if he could also get bacon. Ava gave the perfect response, telling him, "Get as much bacon you want."

When the food arrived, Josiah insisted on saying a blessing, and sang as loudly as possible, "God our Father, God our Father, we thank you, we thank you, for our many blessings, for our many blessings, Amen, Amen." A little repetitive, but it's got a beat and you can dance to it.

Ava reports that all 11 people in the Waffle House were touched, the homeless man himself in tears. She tells WSFA that her little boy's kindness made a big impact on many people.

"Watching my son touch the 11 people in that Waffle House tonight will be forever one of the greatest accomplishments as a parent I'll ever get to witness."

Kittens can't help but yawn when they see their human yawn.

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Can you watch this video without yawning?


One down, two to go.(screenshot via YouTube)

These adorable Scottish fold kittens witnessed their human yawn and got all yawny themselves. The best one is the middle one—he looks terrified at first, but then finally prepares himself for the inevitable.

No one knows why yawning is contagious, but it's most likely because we're all haunted with hundreds of ghosts and they like to sneak out of our mouths and head to the restroom at the same time.

Memorial Day

5 reasons Bruce Jenner's transition in "About Bruce, Part 2" is actually pretty unusual.

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There is no perfect representative for any community.

However, I happened upon the perfect person to talk to about trans issues while I was on a deadline, a writer with a longer Wikipedia page than mine (which is non-existent, hint, hint), Parker Molloy.

She gave me a little timeline attention after I responded to her Bruce Jenner tweets.

I was like a mouse who'd been given @cookie. For two nights in a row, I DMed her, hoping to find insight about how to go about writing about "About Bruce, Part 2," the second day of the Keeping Up with the Kardashians special about Brody Jenner. Totally kidding. It was about Bruce. That much I knew. Yet, I didn't know much else. Slamming words down on a page isn't hard, but slamming down the right words are. Uh, is. I mean.

Later on in our digital interaction, Parker informed me she was trans, and it didn't change my opinion of her as a writer. I'm so self-absorbed, I'd had no idea beforehand, and afterward I quickly went back to thinking about my own writing. “Did people 'get' the tweet I wrote about the squirrels having the pool party? Is tea party funnier than pool party? What about slumber party?"

More importantly, isn't my deadline for "About Bruce, Part 2" in a couple of hours? Why am I writing tweets about squirrels? Am I nuts? (Oh, that's good. I should tweet that later.)

Parker is not a representative, but a writer armed with something rare, especially in 2015: facts. Also, who doesn't want to read inclusive messages from the Girl Scouts? I found her more interesting than, (dare I say?), ANY naked picture of Kim Kardashian. You might feel the same spark I do about Parker when you follow her on Barack Obama's newest platform.

Parker stresses that it's important to understand that everything about how Bruce Jenner is living is legitimate. It's just that his path isn't exactly a common one (for instance, she merely came in silver in the Olympic decathlon).

To some in the community, Bruce's reputation looks as good as Scott Disick after an Aspen relapse. AKA: YIKES! Bruce doesn't seem in touch with the younger part of the trans community, which is vital if we want an honest, connected debate. Though I would never fear Bruce, many do. There are plenty of other transgender athletes (and non-athletes) out there who have had far less confusing transitions, if we had cared enough to look and stop freaking ourselves out. I bet we could even buy a book if we put our feeble minds to it.

Speaking of our feeble minds, right when people were finally beginning to calmly discuss the issue, here came the gold-medal-winning Olympian in question, cameras following his every manicure. We couldn't handle it. We stopped spreading information about a community and started spreading speculation about a single individual. Suddenly, the progress we'd made with the discussion broke down faster than a pair of Lululemon pants on Khloé's ass.

What would Bruce's new name be? Does he borrow his wife's dresses? And, more importantly, does he dry-clean them after he goes out on the town in them? We needed to know! It is our right as an American to know if you are a chick!

Today, you're either on Team Open Bigot or Team Open-Minded. Be a winner like Bruce and join Team Open-Minded. Go for the gold, not the trolled.

On Team Open-Minded, you will still be allowed to think, “Huh, that's bizarre," because these are the Kardashians, after all. A gang of privileged weirdos. What's happening during Bruce's transition is atypical, yet it is important that we stress there is no wrong way to do transition. Reality TV Dad turning Reality TV Mom is not a template. He has luxuries the majority of those trying to transition do not.

As brave as he is, he also leads a bizarre life. One that comes with being the eldest member of the most hated American dynasty since the Rockefellers. (And, certainly the most broadcast one.)

Here are five reasons Bruce is broadcasting a non-typical transition:

1. It's generally impolite to ask people about their genitals.


2. If Bruce Jenner continues to like women as a woman, then, yeah, he would kind of be a lesbian even though this seems confusing. (Of course, he acknowledged that may change.)


3. Most people have to save up for years for surgeries or don't get them at all, let alone get them in sequence or wait until they're finished to live life as the gender with which they identify.


4. The concept of some kind of withdrawal from the world prior to the big reveal of a new person is kind of dated, as are a lot of the ways Jenner discusses things. That's fine, he's a 65 year-old Republican and he's doing great! We should just be aware that this is not how it's always done.


5. Because of his media position, Bruce is getting to control a lot of this rollout (although the tabloids robbed him of that before), but this isn't an option to most trans people. Of course, that could end up being a positive.


Article 25

Elementary school teacher fired for bullying the class bully.

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Nicole LeMire lost her job after subjecting an abusive student to "public humiliation."

This is one of those stories where you change your mind several times while reading it. At least I did. Is it fair to bully a bully, even if you're an authority figure? Do two wrongs make a right? Is it fair to use the bullying tactics of shaming and humiliation if it prevents the innocent from being bullied in the same way? Also, is a bully bullier like Blade, the superhero who has the powers of a vampire but not the weaknesses, and uses his power to fight vampires? The answer is yes.

Nicole LeMire is a former teacher at Glen Oak Elementary School in the Olentangy School District of central Ohio. A very popular teacher in a well-ranked school, LeMire thought her job was safe. But last Thursday, the school board voted to fire her, all over an episode that happened in her classroom.

Last month, she became aware that one of her students was bullying his classmates, wiping his snot on them and pushing them to the ground. Classic bully material. She decided to step in, changing his behavior with a cunning and humiliating exercise of her own: she wiped her snot on him.

Not really (no matter how much we wish). In reality, she just asked him a question: "Do you know how your actions and your words are hurting other students and your friends?" Then she forced the boy to sit quietly while his classmates listed their criticisms of him. He wasn't given a chance to defend himself, although if he had, it probably would have involved snot. The exercise ended, but Ms. LeMire's problems were just beginning.


Nicole LeMire, bully bullier.(via GoFundMe)

Within days, word of the incident reached school administrators, and she was placed on leave. She was told that she was under investigation for "public humiliation" of that bully. Then, on Thursday, during a school board meeting that became heated, her contract was terminated. According to the board's resolution, Ms. LeMire

"…asked students in her classroom to take turns saying how the student (“Student A") had acted badly, violated rules or insulted them, and/or why Student A was annoying or had no friends. Ms. LeMire required Student A to listen to classmates' complaints and refused to allow him to respond or defend himself against potentially embellished complaints."

A letter sent from the school board to Ms. LeMire accused her of "poor professional judgment," telling her:

“On April 15, 2015, you held a class meeting to discuss the incident… During this meeting, students were crying, and one student left the room crying and looking for a guidance counselor."

Apparently, this is not the first offense for this teacher. According to a personnel file the school provided to Yahoo Parenting, she has been suspended and reprimanded multiple times before, and was warned in December 2014 that she could be terminated for any more instances of “unprofessional or unethical behavior." Despite her record, however, many parents and former students are coming to her defense. They spoke up on her behalf at the board meeting and berated the board members once they had rendered their decision, but it was too late.

Ms. LeMire, however, isn't going down without a fight. She plans on suing the school district, and has even started a GoFundMe page to pay for her legal expenses. Here's how she describes her cause:

Hello; my name is Nicole LeMire, and I am asking for your help as I continue my fight against the Olentangy Local School District for wrongfully terminating my contract. As I believe in this cause wholeheartedly, it is going to be costly. If you find it in your heart to give monetarily toward the amount of my legal fees, I would be most grateful. Thank you. #WorthEveryPenny

Despite that obnoxious hashtag, she's already raised more than $12,000 of her $25,000 goal. It would be interesting to see this case go to trial. Some judges might side with Ms. LeMire and order the school to reinstate her. Then again, others might ban her from teaching for life, shaming her for abusing her position over helpless children before wiping snot all over her. Only time will tell.

May you glide through your Wednesday as easily as this baby riding a Roomba.

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Baby riding a Roomba! Baby riding a Roooooooomba!!!!

This video of a baby riding a Roomba fills me with immense joy and immense sadness. Joy because it's a baby riding a Roomba. Sadness because I shall never again get to experience the immense joy of seeing a baby riding a Roomba for the first time. Sure, I might see more babies riding Roombas. I might even get to see my own baby riding a Roomba one day. But I will never again get to click on a video and feel my heart welling up with elation as I initially witness the spectacle of a baby riding a Roomba.

Speaking of babies riding Roombas, here's a gif I made of that baby riding a Roomba so that any time any of us feel the need to see a baby riding a Roomba, we can just look at the gif and see a baby riding a Roomba. Enjoy the baby riding a Roomba!


Article 22

5 things I learned about love from watching Part 2 of the "Bachelorette" premiere.

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My name is Nathan, and I'm bad at love.

So I'm turning to the 11th season of The Bachelorette for help. In part two of the season premiere last night, Kaitlyn Bristowe was named as the Bachelorette. By the end of the night, five more men were eliminated, and I was able to take away some additional advice to get through my own first week of dating:

1. Don't wait more than two minutes to kiss her.


Chris proved to be the smoothest dentist the world has ever seen during his first ever conversation with Kaitlyn. He starts by telling her he is excited that she is there, that he is grateful to be there, and then mentions he is not concerned about putting her in an awkward position before…going in for a kiss! What a Romeo! How did Kaitlyn react to the kiss? It blew her mind. I have always waited to get to know the person a little before making a move, but I realize now how wrong I was. I will be going with the Chris “kiss in two minutes or less" strategy this week.

2. Do tell her she wasn't your first choice to fall in love with.

Jared wasn't the only guy who wanted Britt to be the Bachelorette, but he was the only one bold enough to confess it to Kaitlyn. There's nothing more romantic than telling the woman you are dating that you would have preferred she was someone else. I fully expected this one to be a solid don't do, but boy was I wrong. It turns out honesty is the key to a successful relationship regardless of what the truth is—Jared earned himself a rose. I have never told a date that I would rather be there with another beautiful woman. And here I am still single. But no more! This week I am telling my special someone that I appreciate her even if she wasn't my first choice.

3. Do be a dad.

Kaitlyn was not attracted to JJ at first. But when he revealed that he has a three-year-old child she quickly changed her mind. Now she is all in and more serious about JJ than anyone else who does not have children. Good move.

4. Do have the occupation (or is it more of a power?) of “Healer."

Tony wanted Britt. Tony did not talk to Kaitlyn. Tony has the power to heal. Kaitlyn still gave Tony a rose. Coincidence?

5. Don't use lines from "Good Will Hunting."

During the Rose Ceremony, Brady decided he couldn't shake his feelings for Britt. He chose to leave this journey on his own terms because he had to “see about a girl." It's possible that he was confused about how this process works. The purpose of The Bachelorette is to find a true connection with the Bachelorette and then get engaged. You can't win love if you walk out the door. And you can't win love if you steal lines from Good Will Hunting.

Thanks, The Bachelorette. I'm already looking forward to learning more in week two.

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