I went on a first date to the Museum of Sex as a joke and it ended up being really, really fun.
Hot date. The uncomfortable kind of hot.(via Twitter)
Instead of trying to solve the problem of first date awkwardness, I took the opposite approach: make a first date as awkward as possible by visiting the Museum of Sex. And it sort of worked! It's easy to break the tension when you're standing in between a stranger and a three-foot-tall plaster clitoris.
I'll refer to my date as "Mike" since he does not know I went on this date in order to write an article about going on a date. I met Mike when he asked for my number outside of a bar last week and I gave it to him because honestly, I'll give my number to pretty much anyone who asks nicely. Originally, our first date was supposed to be in Central Park, but I had to cancel to get headshots printed.
Headshots are so dumb.
I haven't booked anything with this headshot yet, but should I make it my Tinder profile picture? Anyway, when I rescheduled, I asked Mike to join me at the Museum of Sex. Here's his response:
Yes, I have ten unread text messages.
We met at the museum in the evening, I was 15 minutes late because I'm literally never on time for anything. Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'" was appropriately blasting as we entered the museum. Mike asked, "how'd you get the idea to come here?" I sort of panicked and told him the (almost) truth: "a friend thought it would be funny to go here on a first date but he has a girlfriend so I stole his idea." I did not mention that I'd be documenting the date.
The third floor of the Museum of Sex right now is basically a creepy, sex-themed carnival. The first thing we did was walk through a dark mirror maze, the end of which is a giant clitoris sculpture. All mirror mazes are death traps, but when there's a sex organ at the end it's slightly less terrifying.
Found it!
There was a carnival-style game where you throw balls into a hole to make shiny gold dildos run like racehorses. We played against an elderly museum goer who yelled at us because our penises were moving too slowly. The old man's penis ended up winning the game. At least, his proxy penis won something. His real penis is, like, at least 70, so it's seen better days. Mike and I played against each other and I lost again, but I was close. Like really close, almost there, just gotta keep going.
Welcome to the penis races.
Next, we jumped around in a boob bouncy castle. It is exactly what it sounds like. I successfully balanced on atop a giant inflated breast, while Mike was unable to do so. Is that like winning something? I needed to win something after my loss in the penis races.
Boobs!
Our next adventure was called Grope Mountain. It's a rock wall where every hold is extremely erotic. We both climbed the wall and I totally won. Maybe I'm single because I make EVERYTHING A COMPETITION. Actually, Mike did OK on the rock wall. I'll call it a tie.
What a rock wall would look like in a sex dungeon.
After all the exhausting physical activity, we checked out the exhibit dedicated to animal sex. There I learned that duck penises are totally unacceptable, sometimes male turtles mistake rocks for female turtles, and bonobos are very sexually liberated. After viewing some National Geographic type footage, we came to a broad generalization about the animal kingdom: females just don't look like they're enjoying sex as much as males. You know, normal first date conversation.
The second floor of the museum produced two gems: a bicycle-powered sex-machine and a male chastity belt. If you've ever seen bikes locked up around New York missing wheels, this is where they've been going:
I feel like there's a less complicated way to build a sex machine.
In response to the male chastity belt, my date Mike seemed to be dead-set on it being for a female, which it very clearly was not. I guess the words "chastity belt" are so synonymous with "woman" that he couldn't fathom the idea of a similar torture device on a man. The image below should settle who won the argument:
I rest my case.
The last stop on our date was the gift shop. A highly trained member of the museum staff approached us and tried to convince Mike and I to buy edible chocolate to eat off of each other. I responded, "I'd rather just eat some chocolate by itself." My joke did not land.
The sales associate then informed us about anal beads, letting me know they "come in all colors." When I said, "I don't think my butt will know what color they are," both Mike and the associate laughed at my awesome joke. It was a perfect end to a super fun first date.
After Mike and I said goodbye, I went back inside to use the restroom, only to find that the bathroom is completely mirrored and has handles on the wall. So, like, I'm pretty sure they WANT you to have sex in it. I did not have sex in it because it was a first date after all, plus he was already gone.