How much caffeine should you drink? The amount that doesn't make you feel like shit.

"Hey honey, aren't you happy that we evolved to have the mental faculties to tell when we've had too much coffee?" (via Thinkstock)

Hey guys, look! There's a scientific report about how much caffeine you should drink! The European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) puts safe caffeine usage at 400 mg per day, which is about four 8 oz. cups or five espresso shots. Thank goodness you finally know how much caffeine you should drink (or eat on popcorn), because it's 100% impossible to tell how much caffeine is too much or too little just by consuming it!

Oh, wait. What I meant to say is that we human beings can totally tell when we've had too much or too little caffeine.

Should you drink this coffee? No! But that's because it's just a picture of a coffee and not one you can really have. (via Thinkstock)

I feel like these studies and reports about the "right" amount of caffeine come out about as regularly as new cute cat videos. And every time, my response is "meh" (to the caffeine studies, not the cat videos — I'm not a monster). The result is almost always the same: the studies tell you to drink caffeine in moderation, because in moderate doses, it has some benefits. In large doses, it can hurt more than it can help. Whoop-de-doodle.

I'm not saying that these caffeine studies are without value, but unless they find a very specific risk factor or you were already considering cutting back on coffee, I have a strong guess about what you're going to do about this study: nothing.

This guy maybe had too much coffee so he was shaking and tripped. But I don't know. I LET THIS GUY LIVE HIS OWN LIFE. (via Thinkstock)

Rather, you're going to keep on living your life with the same level of caffeination you always have. It's not just because the study result is so middle-of-the-road, it's because as a human adult, you can tell when you've had too much coffee or too little coffee. You know the headache of caffeine withdrawal, and you know the anxious jitters of overload. You know if you're a person with a high tolerance or a person who has such a low tolerance you can only drink decaf. You might even be like me and know what it feels like to have never had coffee before, then try it for the first time by drinking an entire 48 ounces at once. Then you might discover that caffeine makes you feel like your chest is being ripped open (College! Woo!).

Caffeine is a drug, a vice, and an indulgence. And like any indulgence, scientists are never going to discover that it's the best for you. Nor will they probably discover it's the worst. So if they discover that caffeine causes butt cancer (or really, any cancer), let me know. Otherwise I'm just going to be here, sipping this coffee that I poured a 5 Hour Energy shot into. Don't worry, I can handle it.

Chester Hanks, a.k.a. rapper Chet Haze, took to Instagram this weekend to caption his London tourist photos with a rant against those who try to keep him down, or as he calls them "Hating A** N*ggaz." Oh no.

Tom Hanks has made a lot of beloved movies, and used his fame to increase awareness of the space program and World War II veterans. He also made a son, Chester Hanks, who is apparently a rapper, but also an advocate against the people he perceives are trying to bring him down. Over the weekend he captioned a touristy photo of himself in London with an unprovoked rant against possibly non-existent haters. Or as he called them "hating a** n*ggaz." According to Chester Hanks:

2 types of people in this world: those who know exactly what it is they want and are doing everything they can to get it; and those who just wander aimlessly through life because they are scared to death of failure. I've lost a lot of so called friends cuz they turned out to be the second kind. Fuck yall hating ass niggaz I'll never stop chasing my dream #OneLifeOneGodOneLove

A photo posted by LA / WORLD WIDE (@chethanx) on May 31, 2015 at 10:54am PDT

Once again, that dream that Chet Haze thinks haters are denying him is to be the next Bubba Sparxx, or that "I Love College" guy.

As any conscientious animal owner would do, someone put these three baby goats on a trampoline. And they are having the time of their lives.

These baby goats are young, but they are wise. They're not just mindlessly going through the motions of their lives. They're not so bogged down by their responsibilities that they've forgotten what really matters. They are completely in the moment and open to joy. And that's something we could all stand to learn from these three baby goats on a trampoline.

The actor believes senseless gun violence can be solved by righteous gun violence.

Vince Vaughn thinks you should protect schools with guns. (via Getty)

Vince Vaughn wants you to exercise your right as an American to own and operate firearms. He told British GQ, "Banning guns is like banning forks in an attempt to stop making people fat. Taking away guns, taking away drugs, the booze, it won't rid the world of criminality." The star of the upcoming season of True Detective might be right. Punishing the many for the misdeeds of a few is not how to do things in America. Except taxpayers bailing out the banks after the banks robbed homeowners, but that's a different government overreach discussion.

Vaughn continues, however, extrapolating that America's reluctance to be armed and ready is what allows mass gun violence to escalate in the first place:

“Take mass shootings. They've only happened in places that don't allow guns. These people are sick in the head and are going to kill innocent people. They are looking to slaughter defenseless human beings... In all of our schools it is illegal to have guns on campus, so again and again these guys go and shoot up these ... schools because they know there are no guns there. They are monsters killing six-year-olds."

Vaughn, however, seems to forget that keeping guns out of places like elementary schools is for practical safety and emotional safety. Forget the fact that having a loaded weapon in a place of learning is completely unnecessary (unless the place of learning is a gun range. Then some guns will be helpful.) Imagine the atmosphere loaded firearms create for children who are trying to learn the building blocks of life.

Our constitutional rights are not without their consequences. Vaughn and other Second Amendment activists equate our right to bear arms with freedom of speech.

“We have the right to bear arms to resist the supreme power of a corrupt and abusive government. It's not about duck hunting, it's about the ability of the individual. It's the same reason we have freedom of speech. It's well known that the greatest defense against an intruder is the sound of a gun hammer being pulled back."

Freedom of speech guarantees us all the right to say whatever we'd like and not be imprisoned for it. It doesn't protect us from losing our jobs, from being boycotted, or even from public shaming. Those are the consequences of saying things people find offensive. Likewise, we can own guns, but we cannot bring them to public places where firearms are inappropriate, because the risk of death or injury is too great. Nobody ever died from saying something offensive.

Vaughn and Hollywood's privileged elite like Clint Eastwood, Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris, and Bruce Willis can continue to cram guns down our throats, but here in America—In the real world—we like to keep our guns locked up and out of schools, movie theaters, and everywhere else we don't want to be shot.

Mathew Pritchard, the star of a British prank TV show, got cozy with his fellow plane passengers by blacking out, getting naked, and peeing on action star Dolph Lundgren.

Oh dear. Dirty Sanchez's Mathew Pritchard has apologised to Dolph Lundgren – for WEEING on him http://t.co/nVdg7CMk8lpic.twitter.com/SjDgBFPTy6

— Daily Star (@Daily_Star) May 30, 2015

Pritchard explained his actions by saying he didn't know you weren't supposed to mix Xanax and alcohol, which seems like not that sympathetic of an excuse.

After he landed, he posted a photo of himself and Dolph Lundgren during happier times of the plane ride. In the caption, he wrote about how sorry he is.

Just arrived in the U.S and what a flight that was. To cut a long story short I was found pissing on the floor next to @dolphlundgren and woke up in a different seat. I think it's time to address my alcohol issues. Apologies to all. @mrgumball3000 @gumball3000 #gumball3000 #gumballairlines
A photo posted by Mathew Pritchard (@pritchardswyd) on May 27, 2015 at 1:37pm PDT

But he would seem more sorry if he didn't keep talking about it. And if he didn't tag Dolph Lundgren. And if he didn't proudly post this screenshot two days later:

Made the New York post ✈️✈️ #teamSWYD #gumball3000
A photo posted by Mathew Pritchard (@pritchardswyd) on May 28, 2015 at 11:34pm PDT

New Zealand MP Ron Mark learned a valuable lesson recently: you get bleeped if you say "fuck" on TV, but the sign language interpreter doesn't get blurred.

Here's one way to raise awareness during Sign Language Awareness week: say "fuck" on the parliament floor while you have a sign language interpreter around, so that the interpreter gives the finger in the middle of the session. That's what New Zealand MP Ron Mark did during a heated debate back in late May, anyway.

It's delightful to watch the interpreter give the finger in the video above. But the video has raised awareness about something else too: the NZ Parliament has some of the best name-calling in politics. According to the Stuff.co.nz article, "An MP hasn't been able to call a fellow member a 'silly old moo' since 1977." This means, I assume, that there was enough of a problem with people calling other people a 'silly old moo' that they had to make a rule against it. And former Prime Minister Rob Muldoon once described someone as a "shiver looking for a spine to run down," which is a much worse insult than any swear could ever provide.

Anyway, I have to go now. I have to learn how to say "silly old moo" in sign language.

Imagine how dope "Ode on a Grecian Urn" might have been if Keats had smoked out of that urn.

A Scythian "bong" is now the only thing I will smoke out of. (screengrab via YouTube)

Archeologists in Russia have found traces of opium and marijuana on devices that appear to have been used for smoking by ancient Scythians. Finally, we have definitive proof that you should wash your drug paraphernalia before hiding it, otherwise scientists will find out embarrassing truths about your people.

Not nearly as efficient as an apple, but still does the trick.(screengrab via YouTube)

The Scythians were nomadic people living near the northern Black Sea sometime around the 8th Century BC. The Greeks apparently knew about their practices as Herodotus noted: Scythians used a plant to produce smoke "that no Grecian vapour-bath can surpass … transported by the vapor, [they] shout aloud." Then again, Herodotus also said specific gods were responsible for things like the destruction of Xerxes's bridges across the Hellespont. Clearly, someone back then was smoking something. Russian archeologists just found the proof.

It's almost as if I was on to something in college when I studied Greek History while stoned.

One man's arousal at the sight of naked bodies got him escorted from a naked cycling event.

No boners allowed.(via Getty)

The World Naked Bike Ride took place in Kent, England this weekend. These nude bike rides occur around the world to raise awareness for the dangers automobiles pose to cyclists. The event in Kent started out with the participants disrobing, and that's when a problem arose. One part of one man was way too excited to be there. An organizer immediately summoned the police, and the man was removed from the hard situation he created.

One witness told The Cambridge News: “It's fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much." It makes sense that the staff and participants want to spread awareness for their cause, not personal arousal. But it's bound to happen occasionally, since naked bodies are usually what people look at to get aroused. People still do this, right? Or has everyone moved on to robots?

The best part of this story is the following witness quote: “I heard gasps, and I turned around – it was a horrible sight." To clarify, the person who said this is open to seeing a bunch of genitals smashed on bike seats, but when one of them changes shape, it becomes horrifying. HORRIFYING.

So remember, naked bodies are to be used as vessels to enact change and further an agenda, not for sexual excitement.

Caitlyn Jenner just broke the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to reach one million Twitter followers: 4 hours and 3 minutes.

pic.twitter.com/X7FvYrEH2D
— Caitlyn Jenner (@Caitlyn_Jenner) June 1, 2015

We just found out who she was this morning, and she's already a world record holder. Jenner's uplifting bio reads "I'm so happy after such a long struggle to be living my true self. Welcome to the world Caitlyn. Can't wait for you to get to know her/me." You're right, we can't wait! Tell us more! We want to know all about you!

It appears that revealing yourself as a person, not nudity, is what breaks the Internet. A fun game to play is to reload @Caitlyn_Jenner's Twitter page and watch the follower count climb.

The practice known as "manspreading" has become an arrestable offense.

If you keep up on the New York City transit beat (and why wouldn't you), then you've probably heard about "manspreading" in recent months. It's nothing new; we just never had a catchy word to describe it before. Manspreading is when men (and sometimes women) spread their legs wide in their subway seat, taking up more than their fair share of room just to give their balls (if applicable) some space. It's definitely poor etiquette, and recently, it's become a metaphor for male entitlement in general. But it was never a crime before.

Now that's all changed. A report from the Police Reform Organizing Project claims that two men were recently hauled in front of a judge specifically for spreading what God gave them:

On a recent visit to the arraignment part in Brooklyn's criminal court, PROP volunteers observed that police officers had arrested two Latino men on the charge of "man spreading" on the subway, presumably because they were taking up more than one seat and therefore inconveniencing other riders. Before issuing an [adjournment contemplating dismissal] for both men, the judge expressed her skepticism about the charge because of the time of the arrests: "12:11AM, I can't believe there were many people on the subway".

They were arrested at midnight?! That changes everything. I've always maintained that manspreading is only unacceptable under two circumstances: if there aren't enough seats on the train for all the passengers, or if you're wearing shorts with no underwear. If the latter were the case, these guys would have been brought in on an indecent exposure charge, so I consider these arrests highly suspect. The fact that they were Latino men is even more suspicious.

I'm no fan of manspreading, but making it a crime seems like an excuse for more spurious arrests based on profiling. What's the point of getting rid of stop-and-frisk when minority men can be harassed and arrested on trumped-up charges like this, all on the flimsy pretense of supporting feminism? The NYPD is metaphorically spreading its balls all over the city, and I don't like the scent of it one bit.

Tom Hardy: Brilliant actor. Attractive man. And for a precious while, the owner of a hilariously awful, king-douche Myspace page.

@BlackGirlNerds For your consideration: An NSFW sample of a Tom Hardy selfie from his myspace days: pic.twitter.com/Nijb7gs8ay
— Desiree (@dangerbowie) September 4, 2013

I'm sure that most of us aren't proud of what we put on Myspace back in the day. But most of us aren't also celebrated actors now. With Mad Max: Fury Road in theaters, some Internet heroes have taken the time to remind us that Tom Hardy's now-deleted Myspace page was a fever-dream of bro-ness and oddity circa 2008. The profile featured a whirlwind of shirt-less/crotch-full selfies, blurry costumed shots, and other bits of weirdness, like trying to look like a way cool dude while cooking a turkey:

Remember when Tom Hardy had a MySpace? (His actual original caption: x i'm cooking a turkey yo x x) pic.twitter.com/Gizs0VZD63
— Dani (◡‿◡✿) (@chlorrofthemask) May 26, 2015

What were the X's even for? Was the turkey straightedge? Several of Hardy's photos are actually strangely kitchen-centric, like this sex pose with the oven in the background, as if to say, "Both of these things will get you hot."

@KMozzovitch@JCannaford let's not forget my personal favourite of Tom Hardy's MySpace pictures... pic.twitter.com/5obEjFbSaQ
— Hong-Anh Nguyen (@DeweyDecibelle) May 19, 2015

Here he is in the kitchen again, this time looking like a real silly rascal:

Tom Hardy's old MySpace pictures are the funniest things. pic.twitter.com/u7EeAfltEM
— beccaruss (@beccalouruss) April 13, 2013

And we haven't even gotten to his "About Me" section yet, which includes several quotes that beg to be made into teen-girl glitter GIFs:

I never lie. If you suck you suck..If you're good I take my hat off and I'm all over you. I'll bend over backwards to help anyone of their word.. fuck me around I'll let it go I'm not here for stuff I'm here to live and give whatever it is I can to nourish rather than to take and move on

...and...

I have a head like a disco ball, if I say I'll do something, unless I absolutely can't it gets done, I never give up on humanity, I love people.

...and...

i am often afraid. So I have to share.I want to help, it's not my business to judge, I make mistakes, I stand corrected, I accept casualties and walk with hope because I fucking LOVE. I could so easily be dead. My head is like a dangerous neighbourhood I should never be in it without an appropriate adult.

...and all that's before he starts talking about religion.

As hilariously awful as all of this might seem, it also makes me love Tom Hardy more. Tom Hardy on MySpace was just a real dude who wasn't concerned about looking perfect; he was vomiting whatever he felt like up onto the Internet just like the rest of us were in 2008. We weren't thinking about our bosses Googling us, or about people using our bad grammar against us, or about not taking mirror selfies of our butts:

Why are all these article's about Tom Hardy's MySpace pictures omitting the jewel in the crown pic.twitter.com/hKz2hT4pAa
— QD Radio (@QueerDiscOx) June 1, 2015

I salute you, Myspace Tom Hardy. I hope that you still live somewhere inside Today Tom Hardy, taking prominent-junk selfies and cooking turkeys all day long.

When movie star Jessica Lange found out that a ton of people on the Internet thought that Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair cover looked like her, she reacted in the perfect way.

The Daily Beast first informed Lange about the many comparisons people were making between her and Caitlyn (formerly known as Bruce) in the glamorous new photos:

So @Caitlyn_Jenner got this Jessica Lange thing going on. pic.twitter.com/2eUDNhl2bL
— Corey (@CoreyBlimey) June 1, 2015

is it just me or does @Caitlyn_Jenner look like the equally stunning Jessica Lange??!:!7/!2 pic.twitter.com/LLczfewOnP
— e (@eric_espana) June 1, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner looks like Jessica Lange, which is just about the highest compliment there is! Rock on Cait! https://t.co/5PvFiONDWn
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) June 1, 2015

@Caitlyn_Jenner serving Jessica Lange realness. #CallMeCaitlyn
— Janet Mock (@janetmock) June 1, 2015

Lange's response? "Oh, really? “That's so wonderful. Well, now I'm going to have to look for that picture."

ORIGAMI Condoms have redesigned the condom for male pleasure. Finally, male pleasure is being prioritized in the bedroom!

Watch the video below before deciding not to put your d*ck in an accordion.(via ORIGAMI)

Using a condom is the adult and responsible thing to do. Always use a condom.

There, that's out of the way, now let's be honest: condoms suck. You have to use them and it's a blessing that they exist, but they can be very uncomfortable for both parties. Between 20% and 99% of all monogamous relationships are entered into so that the people in them can forego condom use. Well, watching this ORIGAMI Condom demo will make you excited about the prospect of putting a bag on it again:

That definitely got my imagination going. Think what you could do with those extra fractions of a second! It almost seems too good to be true that such a loose fold-out of sexual protection would actually stay on and protect during sex. And it might be: the condom still hasn't been approved for sale, though it has passed testing for its effectiveness against STDs.

Well, if you can't wait, but you're bored of the old latex roll on, here's something fun on the market to shove over your wang.

These are real.(via Gizmodo)

Protection not guaranteed.

You probably take for granted that whenever you want, you can literally glance at a slab of glass and see an exact image of what you look like.

Animals are not so jaded.

These perplexed animals really remind you that mirror technology is impressive. It's understandable why the bird gets so confused and the gorilla gets so mad. I mean, how cool and weird is it to look straight ahead and see the appearance of an identical being who looks how you look and moves when you move? So maybe next time we're casually glancing in a mirror acting all blasé like the elephant, we should take a lesson from the leopard and engage with our fascinating surroundings.

Some guy whose entire career is based on playing a child wrote something very immature.

He appeals to teenage girls, I guess?(via Getty)

It's so weird that there's this whole child star machine that rakes in gobs of money and pushes out ignorant uneducated creeps! Who is Drake Bell? Never heard of him before today, which may be why he tweeted out something about Caitlyn Jenner. Just wants his name circulating in the news! Apparently, Bell is one of the stars of Drake & Josh. Whatever that is? It's probably hard to be an aging Nickelodeon star whose fan base is getting old enough to pay for their own dental insurance. Anyway, don't feel sorry for him, he's an a-hole.

Sorry, not sorry!(via @DrakeBell)

First of all, you will never be famous enough to talk to Caitlyn Jenner. You will never get to call her anything. Secondly, your name is Drake Bell. People call you that to your face all the time without commenting on it and it's an absolutely ridiculous name.

But it's not really names we're talking about, is it? The implication in this tweet is that even though Caitlyn Jenner is out and proud about her gender identity and has made her transition public, somehow Drake Bell's need to assert his opinion about it is more important. Drake Bell doesn't care about respect, compassion or the fact that it's none of his god-damned business what anyone calls themselves, he is going to deny Jenner's identity. Sorry!

The tweet has since been deleted. Then a bullshit tweet 'explaining' this asinine statement was sent, though it has also been deleted. It read:

I'm not dissing him! I just don't want to forget his legacy! He is the greatest athlete of all time! Chill out!

Yeah, chill out, I'm just continuing to deny that Caitlyn Jenner is a woman, because, uh, sportz. Women can't do sportz.

Sorry...still calling you an a-hole.

Four porn stars watched their own movies next to regular people and it's actually quite enjoyable.

"There's some sex."(via YouTube)

Have you ever thought to yourself, "What it would be like to watch porn next to one of the people acting in it?" You haven't? Is that because when you watch porn you're usually at home while your laptop warms your abdomen, pretending the stars are purely figments of your own imagination? Well, it turns out watching porn with the person doing it is a little uncomfortable, but ultimately an enjoyable learning experience for both parties.

BuzzFeed asked stars Allie Haze, Danny Wylde, Paris Kennedy and Conner Habib to hang out with some regular people, fully clothed, and watch their naked sex movies. Here's some women watching porn with the stars:

These are my favorite reactions and queries that the women had:

-What's nice is they made a little costume adjustment so your boobs are out.
-Not a lot of cutaways, just a single shot of the tits and the vagina.
-Are you guys good friends?
-Are you ever nervous?
-What's going through your mind? (FYI, Paris Kennedy's answer was "food")
-[during a blow job] I'm trying to concentrate on what you're saying.
-The socks are a great touch.
-[during sex on roller skates] You must have such strong legs.

The stars also watched their porn in the company of men:

The men had slightly different reactions to viewing sex movies with their stars:

-I'm sweating, and it's not even hot in here.
-This is one take... that's like Birdman.
-It's getting good.
-Did they direct you to do the spank?
-Weiners out.
-All of you guys have beautiful penises.
-Are you being spit-roasted?
-Are you enjoying this?

It seems like everyone involved in this project had a positive experience, and has more respect for the people who take their clothes off and have sex for the enjoyment of the masses. I hope the porn stars didn't have to take a pay cut to make these videos!

Another week came and went faster than Kim's blonde hairstyle.

The midseason finale was called “In the Blink of an Eye," which is about how much time needs to pass for this family to make more money than any of us will all year. Despite the near car-crash and a psychic's poor prediction that Kimberly Kardashian West kouldn't konceive, the state of the Kardashians remains strong.

Here are 5 moments we knew it was time to throw in the towel on ever escaping our level in the kaste system:

1. You may have played Pictionary with a Jackson family but none of them had made the best music video of all time, Thriller.

2. The only way your face would be on the side of a building is if you went on a bank-robbing spree to pay off your college loans and the FBI wanted you. And, there's no way they'd care enough to make your face bigger than what would fit on an 8 ½ x 11 from a Kinko's copier.

3. No one ever raises a glass to you because you raised everyone in the room's tax bracket.

4. When you were a teenager talking about souls being connected you sounded like an idiot, not a role model for the rest of the nation to grow the f*ck up.

5. If you're dumb enough to use a psychic, it probably won't be national news when they're wrong. Unless the psychic said you could totally get away with robbing a bank.