"I am a beautiful creature! I am a destroyer of worlds! I am HARRY F**KING POTTER!!"

This is a tale of magic. This is a tale of comedy. This is the tale of "Wizard People, Dear Readers"--the greatest fan project that has ever been or will be. This is the tale of how Brad Neely created the funniest, craziest, and most sublime unauthorized narration of a movie in any realm, magical or Muggle. (Note: Chapters 15 and 18 are missing from the playlist, so I've included them at the bottom)

Chapter 1: POWER BABY

Gather round, you little monsters, and hear about when the Web was young. It was early in the Muggle year 2004, the Harry Potter book series still had two more installments to go, and the third movie had only just come out. People turning 30 now were the terrifying teenage "hackers" of their day; their ability to download movies and music seemed more like black magic to adults than any spell Harry or Ronnie the Bear or even the Wretched Harmony could cast. It was the dawn of the "You Wouldn't Download A Car, Would You?" anti-piracy campaign, which probably sped up the development of 3D printing by 10 years.

Chapter 2: PORK FAMILY PROJECT

In the midst of this glorious kleptomania, a new file started to spread from the now-defunct site Illegal Art. A much different kind of file, loaded with entertainment that (except for its cursing) was refreshingly pure. It was ostensibly an audiobook; an unauthorized retelling of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by a seemingly crazy old man. In reality, it was Austin, TX comedian and comic book artist Brad Neely narrating the movie as if it was a book, a much more adult and hilarious book. The "chapters" of the book matched the chapters of the official DVD, so even though it is in some ways a copyright infringement, it probably sold a few extra DVDs. This was a self-contained argument for how allowing people to adapt copyrighted materials improves sales of the original (not that Warner Bros. listened).

Download the original audio files here, or stream them on Neely's site.

People had parties to watch the movie on mute with "Wizard People, Dear Reader." Others actually enjoyed it as an audiobook. I did both. It wasn't just funny as hell. Sometimes it was better. I'll never forget the scene about pulling into the station at Hogwarts: "Finally, the moment of truth! The God-wheel of fate has stopped for all of these kiddies on "yes." Yes in-fucking-deed, you will be a wizard. And this moment is the first in a series of moments that no matter what feelings the moments embody, yes, "yes" is still the answer. Yes to life, and yes to magic."

CHAPTERS 3-14, 16-17, and 19-35: The Rest Of The Movie Except for Chapters 15 and 18, which I put down below.

One thing everyone had in common, however, was a burning desire to hear the sequel. Sadly, that would never come, as Neely decided it was a one-time thing. It became a hit on the Internet after being played over a muted copy of the movie at the New York Underground Film Festival, but he originally intended it to only amuse his friends. Considering how badly I STILL want a sequel, he was probably right to leave it be. In case you're wondering how the idea came about, this is how Neely explained it:

Anyway, we were at a bar and were getting a good laugh at a guy who was playing pool all by himself while wearing a hoody over his hat, sunglasses under that and headphones on the outside of all of it. So we started riffing on "What could he possibly be listening to?" Someone who I don't think was me said that he was listening to a book on tape of Harry Potter. And out came the Wizard People narrator. I joked that night that I was going to rush home and record an entire misinformed book on tape of The Sorcerer's Stone, because I had not and have not ever read any Harry Potter books. Once I started making notes for it I realized that an audio track alone could get boring, so I decided to sync it with the movie. Then I took a week or two and made the damn thing. I love it.

Chapter 15

Chapter 18

Finally, actress Lauren Graham has introduced her two TV daughters.

AT LONG LAST WE MEET #drawyourswords#breaktheinternetpic.twitter.com/LN3j0hmAIM
— alabama whitman (@maebirdwing) June 8, 2015

Yes, Mae Whitman, aka Amber from Parenthood, and Alexis Bledel, who will forever be known as Gilmore Girls' Rory, were reunited with their television mom at ATX Television Festival in Austin. Whitman tweeted the picture along with the hashtags #drawyourswords and #breaktheinternet.

So, is this photo the Kim Kardashian Paper magazine cover for light family drama aficionados? When I saw the picture, I gasped. And other fans seem similarly hyped:

@maebirdwing Honestly this is the most important picture on the internet today and also like ever
— Catherine Powell (@CatherinePowell) June 8, 2015

@maebirdwing@alexisbledel@thelaurengraham I want to photoshop my own little face in there onto one of Lauren's hands #whynotme
— Iselle (@iSelle) June 9, 2015

@maebirdwing@alexisbledel@ATXFestival nothing has ever meant more in my entire life than this picture
— Morgan (@MorganRenee1618) June 8, 2015

Graham also had individual messages for each actress. She is such a good TV parent.

I've missed you, @alexisbledel. pic.twitter.com/eHiE4GRh5j
— Lauren Graham (@thelaurengraham) June 6, 2015

Happy happy Birthday @maebirdwing. Can't imagine life without you. pic.twitter.com/nfHFMVVdSK
— Lauren Graham (@thelaurengraham) June 9, 2015

It's hard to run a lemonade stand these days, what with all the red tape.

(via ABC News)

Zoey and Andria Green, the 7- and 8-year-old owners and operators of the "Green Girls" Lemonade Stand, had an impressive business plan. They bundled their products so if customers bought both their lemonade (normally 50 cents) and their kettle corn (normally $1.00), it was "a dollar." They had flashy marketing materials in the form of a bright yellow three-panel sign with lots of exclamation points. And they had ambitious sales goals ("We were trying to raise some money so we could take our dad to Splash Kingdom"). And there these sisters were, just minding their own business, leaning in, when the cops shut down their lemonade stand.

The mean, mean police officers said the Green sisters couldn't sell lemonade without an inspection and permit because of local health codes, probably before twirling their mustaches and cackling uninterruptedly for 90 seconds. Wow, thank you to our public servants for protecting society from drinking ice cold lemonade on a hot spring day.

I think Andria summed it up best when her mom asked her how this made her feel: "A little mad and sad."

Find out what young white men think about boobs!

I get it! Everybody has preferences. You're allowed to like what you like, and you're allowed to not like what you don't like. That said, I'm not sure how much the world needs a video featuring a bunch of dudes explaining in minute detail why they prefer the curve of this hypothetical breast to the curve of that hypothetical breast, or why this breast is too big while that one is too small.

Was society really clamoring to know the boob preferences of 20-something white dudes? I thought that was pretty easily discernible from that thing we call "85 percent of media." Is it very hard to guess what kind of boobs the guys interviewed generally preferred? I'll bet you can do it. Call it a hunch, but I think you'll be able to work it out before watching the video.

I can't say exactly why this video bothers me more than the one in which the women draw "the perfect penis." Maybe it's because wangs aren't thrust into our faces every day, from every direction (thankfully). Maybe it's the glee with which most of these guys cast judgement over all of boobdom. Or maybe it's just that it's kind of lazy for a "sexperiment."

What this really needs is variety. Let's get some older guys in there, and how about some different races? Maybe a lesbian or two. There are so many kinds of boobs in the world, and so, so many ways to enjoy them. Some representation of that would go a long way toward making this less annoying.

This video puts each horse's performance in the Belmont Stakes side-by-side.

American Pharaoh's historic Triple Crown win has breathed new life into horse racing. The sport is more popular than it's been in decades – that is to say, slightly popular. No horse has won the Triple Crown since Affirmed in 1978, but Affirmed was actually the third horse to win in the 70s. The first was the legendary Secretariat, widely considered the finest racehorse of the 20th Century.

So how would American Pharaoh do if he were racing against Secretariat? Thanks to this Wall Street Journal video, we can compare their performances in the Belmont Stakes side-by-side. As it turns out, American Pharaoh would have gotten his ass kicked. In fact, Secretariat's time (2:24) is still a Belmont record. American Pharaoh's 2:26.65 time is pretty weak in comparison. Two and a half seconds?! That's an eternity in the sport of kings. Move over American Phony, Secretariat is the man (horse).

Safety first: stay the hell away from bears.

No matter how cute they are. No matter how inflamed with bearlust you are after reading this adorable list. No matter how much bread they catch: STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM BEARS.

Bears are constantly adapting to our crazy human world, and they've found some ingenious ways to do it. As we encroach on their habitat, we're gonna have more and more bear encounters. Most of the ones here are pretty great, but this isn't a cute cat or dog list. Bears are not a domestic animal, though they will sometimes play along with us, biding their time. Bears are wild, powerful beasts trying to survive with their backs against the wall. They. Will. Strike. Out.

Enjoy!

1. This bear very casually walking like a person.

2. A baby bear learns to navigate a local pharmacy.

Just needed to pick up a few things, no biggie.(via KGW)

3. A bear trying to play golf.

4. A bear confronts his mortal enemy: MAN.

5. A bear who can snatch treats one handed. No mitt, so it was even "bear-handed."

6. Another bear walking on two legs, like a creep.

7. Two baby bears in training for future world dominance.

8. A bear who discovered Russians love testing the limits of acceptable interactions with wild animals.

9. Another bear who discovered that (bears kill 10 people in Russia every year).

10. A bear who thought he could fight an ornery old man, then got schooled.

He did it for his puppy, guys.(via CBS Local, which has the full story)

11. A bear who almost killed this guy before being scared away by Justin Bieber.

This guy wasn't even trying to f*ck with bears.(via kp.ru)

Sorry to leave you with such a grim reminder of what bear encounters can lead to, but SAFETY FIRST. This Russian fisherman was minding his own business (going against the general vibe of Russian men in these bear stories) when a bear jumped on his back and tried to steal his life. Luckily, we still have one defense against these guys: Justin Bieber's music. His phone rang and the ringer was "Baby," one of the worst/most life-saving songs of our generation. The terrorized bear ran off, defeated.

For now.

Three Jon Snow impersonators got to perform for the man himself.

Last night Kit Harington was on Jimmy Kimmel, where he was presented with live feeds of three people doing impressions of the character he plays on Game of Thrones. He looked so deeply uncomfortable while this was going on that it made me appreciate how hard he acts on the show. I always thought Harington was sort of bland and that Game of Thrones would be more interesting if a more intriguing actor played Jon Snow. But now I see that Harington actually is complex and brooding, but just pretends to be boring because he's doing his job. Well done!

The Jon Snow impressions are definitely studied, but panelist #3 Steve really steals the show when he does his Littlefinger impression as a prelude. Apparently it's an established "thing" to do Game of Throne impressions on YouTube. However, I can't really condone this, because a quick search turns up a troubling lack of Aryas.

A 17-year-old helicopter pilot lands a chopper on the football field to cheers and applause.

Nick D'Amato lands a helicopter on his high school's football field. Big deal. I landed a Toyota Corolla on mine and those don't have propellers.(via News12 Long Island)

Helicopters are like the motorcycles of aeronautics. They are nimble, they are speedy, and operating one is spitting in the face of Death. There's an undeniable cool around helicopters, which is why Nick D'Amato's prom ride is the undeniably the coolest prom ride in the history of Long Island—maybe even earth.

As a certified helicopter pilot, Nick knew that limousines are just not as cool as helicopters. So, Nick arranged to arrive at prom at Eastport South Manor High by landing on the football field. When the chopper landed, Nick and his date, 18-year-old Danielle Mignogna, were swarmed with people cheering and taking pictures. The prom couple hugged and then boarded a white carriage to enter prom.

Danielle (L), a helicopter chaperone (M), and the Helicopter Prom King of Long Island (R)(via CBS New York)

Nick is preparing for a career as a helicopter pilot when he finishes school. It's a good thing someone responsible was behind the controls of the chopper. The last thing anyone needs is for some troublemaking kid to get drunk on Tropic Chillers, climb into the helicopter at the end of the night, then try to stick himself out of the skylight forgetting that he's not in a limousine. What a mess.

Here's one for the Royal Family's blooper reel.

Maisie's big moment. pic.twitter.com/OHHTDDmEcB
— Ruth Mosalski (@ruthmosalski) June 11, 2015

A little girl had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet Queen Elizabeth II today. She executed her part perfectly, offering a bouquet of flowers and making a nice little curtsy.

The queen begins to depart and the little girl, 6-year-old Maisie Gregory of Cardiff, lets her guard down—and immediately gets smacked in the face by a soldier pulling his hand up to salute.

"Ow!" she can be heard saying, which—by the way, in case you are ever smacked in front of the queen—isn't the polite exclamation. It's "What's the fuck, man?!"

Maisie's mom says the soldier immediately apologized and Maisie is OK.

A Chinese man fell off a taxi scooter while watching porn on his phone and suffered a terrible accident.

Neither the time nor the place.(via YouTube)

China exports a lot of stuff. Three of the biggest are clothes, electronics, and cautionary tales. And they're unmatched in all three. Chinese cautionary tales are the best, whether they involve funeral strippers, nonconsensual diving pigs, censorship anthems, or IKEA squatters. This latest tale only applies to men, but they should take heed of it carefully, because it concerns their greatest fear.

Mr. Yu, a man from Guangdong, China, was hitching a ride on a taxi scooter when he had a fall that put Humpty Dumpty to shame. He was riding on the back of the scooter behind the driver and another passenger, and decided to occupy himself by watching porn on his phone. I guess he figured no one would be the wiser because no one was behind him.

The problem was that he wasn't holding on to the motorcycle. He had his phone in one hand and his other hand was… occupied in another manner. So when the bike hit a small bump, Yu went flying. And when he landed, he broke his penis.

Of course, the penis doesn't have any bones to break. But a sufficient trauma while it's erect can literally crush the spongy penile tissue, causing intense pain and deformation that can take years to heal. It's a hefty price to pay for getting your jollies off on the way to work.

Now, Yu is suing the driver for $65,000. I'm not sure if he'd be able to convince a jury that it was the driver's fault, or get the jury to stop laughing, but it's worth a shot. What else is he going to do with his time? His penis is broken.

Before you go curl up in the fetal position and try not to think about this anymore, check out this thorough CGI recap of the whole story from Tomo News:

But if you get to eat it, why can't I?

Your dog is a miracle of nature; not only is every pooch on the planet descended from wolves—apex predators with a social intelligence rarely seen outside primates or cetaceans—they've co-evolved with modern humans (sometimes because we bred them, sometimes by accidental selection) to understand us in ways chimpanzees can't even fathom.* Your best friend, however, is also an idiot who will poison him/herself at the first opportunity by eating human food that it cannot eat. A lot of these surprise poisons are fruit, because its ancestors were not tree-dwelling sugar junkies like ours. They still want to eat it, though, because A) food, and B) they want to do whatever you are doing. So consult this handy chart from Ohio State veterinarian Dr. Edward Cooper to see if you should let your dog eat that blueberry you just dropped on the floor. (Note: Not included are tomatoes. I guess vets ascribe to the official dogma that those are vegetables. Nevertheless, don't let your dog eat tomatoes.)

*(Most dogs understand what you mean if you point at something. Think about that. The dog knows that you are thinking about an object that you are not touching and it cannot yet see, but it knows the object will be located along a straight line from the end of your outstretched finger, even if your eyes aren't looking at said object. This requires not only a Theory of Mind, but basic symbolic language, the symbol being your finger.

The chimpanzee just thinks you're stretching.)

Though he witnessed a man's nose being cut off, he stayed to the bitter end.

Keep calm and noodle on. (via Shanghaiist)

This video was shot in January, but has only been recently published. I suspect it's been heavily edited, because the fight described is quite gruesome. The Shanghaiist reported that 40 gang members in Keelung City, Taiwan, started a brawl in a noodle shop. Most of them were carrying knives (and one guy something that could be a sword or a short broomstick, can't tell), and there were reports of injuries like tendon slashing and nose removals.

This one guy, who was not involved in any way, was like, "I'm here to eat. I'm going to eat." Even as rival gang members argued over his head, he just moved slightly out of the way and kept chowing down. His focus initially made him a suspect. Taiwanese police viewing the tape saw his serenity as a signal that he was the mastermind behind the whole event. When they caught up with him, he explained that he just didn't want to waste the food that had just arrived at his table. Fair enough! I once finished drinking a fresh-squeezed orange juice at a place where I'd found a roach in my pancake. We all have our things.

Members of a Swiss carpentry collective posted this video of their unique celebration.

This is cool. It combines the greatest loves of the Swiss: workmanship, precision engineering, ingenuity, beer, and matching traditional outfits. It makes me wish I were back in the Swiss Alps, yodeling for my flock to come home. Just kidding, it makes me want to drink with these dudes.

The video was made by members of Handwerkskollektiv Zurich, a joinery/carpentry/painting collective founded in 1979. Here, they're celebrating their Aufrichtefest, a traditional construction celebration. Looks like they got pretty wild, too. After a few more ruler-popped rounds, they probably got wasted enough to design and build a bridge.

So, how was the game last night?

#LeBronsWeinerpic.twitter.com/FIlN8SV4e2
— ASHLEY (@Ash_E_ley) June 12, 2015

Seeing Lebron's penis in all these screen shots is kind of like one of those Magic Eye tricks, or that moment when #TheDress changes from white and gold to blue and black. At first you're like, really? I don't know if that's what I'm looking at. Everyone else sees his penis? Maybe. Then: BAM, PENIS. Once you see it you can't unsee it. Or maybe you're just seeing a beautiful mirage... you decide.

Enhance:

Honestly, I've been completely uninterested in the NBA finals. I have started randomly shouting, "Go Cavs!" for fun, but that sentiment is not attached to any real desire to see the Cavs either stop or go. But if this is the kind of pregame entertainment we can expect from ABC, then yes, I WILL go to your Game 5 party. Is there a game five? More mirages, please!

Meh, let's look at more people freaking out about a little full frontal.

My dad has rewinded the TV to see LeBrons weiner 4 times ok bye
— Angela Rhiel (@ang_rhiel) June 12, 2015

Did anyone else just see #LeBronJames peen on the #NBAFinals2015? I swear he did an adjustment and it was right there!Tell me if I'm trippin
— Nunya (@micahsgrrl) June 12, 2015

Weirdly, there's been a Twitter account for LeBron's Weiner since April 2010, so maybe this was always destined to happen:

That's it, folks. @LeBronsWeiner is out. Goodbye, Cleveland.
— LeBron's Weiner (@LeBronsWeiner) May 14, 2010

Whatever, let's all just remember to wear underwear when we're gonna be on the TV. Or if he was wearing underwear (mirage), make it the undeniable bright yellow we're used to. Go Cavs!

This is uncomfortable to watch.

Boeing released this video yesterday of the crew of a 787-9 Dreamliner rehearsing for the 2015 Paris Air Show next week.

The Vietnam Airlines plane starts to take off and then suddenly jerks upward so the angle goes from a normal "this is what planes are supposed to do" level to "holy shit is this a rocket?" degrees.

Something about it made me involuntarily look around to see if the other passengers were freaking out.

Whether you believe that Taylor Swift's pals are a close-knit clique who finally found kindred, equally fashionable spirits, or a masterfully assembled power alliance to market music and female friendship, there's no denying that I want them to like me. Here are the 10 times I felt this most truly and powerfully.

1. The time she went on vacation with Haim. It's just not the same to make your own novelty Bill Murray sweatshirt and stand on a rock.

2. The time she cooked all day with models Martha Hunt and Karlie Kloss, stylist Ashley Avignone, and Rookie founder Tavi Gevinson. I bet they use, like, $40,000 olive oil.

3. The time she strolled through Catalina with Lorde, Olympic figure skater Gracie Gold, model Jaime King, and Haim. What if they all formed one super group that served as both a girl band and the United States national ice skating team?

Wandering around Catalina with my favorite people to wander around with. @lordemusic @graciegold95 @haimtheband @jaime_king
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jan 9, 2015 at 8:31pm PST

4. When she, Gigi Hadid, and Martha Hunt went out for Indian food and accidentally recreated the "Bad Blood" music video. At first it was sort of embarrassing, but then it was funny. I bet.

On tonight's episode of "Not Purposely Trying to Recreate Music Videos, Just Going Out For Indian Food" @gigihadid @marhunt
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on May 29, 2015 at 6:41pm PDT

5. Her 25th birthday. Has it really already been three whole years since the song "22" came out, when I also wished I was in the clique?

When you're making a wish, but you already have all you really need standing around you.
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 13, 2014 at 3:57pm PST

So this is being 25..... #WHAT #bestbirthdayEVER


A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 13, 2014 at 2:36am PST

6. When the song "22" came out, and I wished I was in the clique.

7. July 4th. America has a lot to offer, but on the other hand, I don't know Taylor Swift personally.

8. When Lena Dunham taught Taylor Swift about feminism. Can you imagine what it would have been like to be a fly on that wall? I bet I'd be so much smarter now.

“As a teenager, I didn't understand that saying you're a feminist is just saying that you hope women and men will have equal rights and equal opportunities. What it seemed to me, the way it was phrased in culture, society, was that you hate men. Becoming friends with Lena — without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for — has made me realize that I've been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

She's been my feminist role model for a long time. And I cannot fucking wait for her VMA performance.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) August 24, 2014

This makes me very happy Also plz note that whenever I am nestled in Taylor's loving bosom I am in fact wearing 4 inch heels
A photo posted by Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) on Jan 14, 2015 at 7:00pm PST

9. When she and Selena Gomez sat next to each other at the VMAs, then had to get out of their seats because they needed to dance so badly.

10. When the feud gets juicy.

Watch out for the Regina George in sheep's clothing...
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 9, 2014