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Article 19


Shia LaBeouf's insane inspirational speech makes a lot more sense coming from an adorable 3-year-old.

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"Stop watching viral video parodies and follow your dreams!"

Last month, a rat-tailed Shia LaBeouf walked into a room with 39 art students from the Central Saint Martins school in London. He walked out with a half-hour long video of batshit crazy monologues. The gems of insanity include Shia looking away from the camera and "ooming" in meditation, Shia doing a handstand while delivering a poem about doing a handstand, and Shia reading out large numbers into the camera. At one point, he delivers a crazed, inspirational monologue about following your dreams, which unsurprisingly went viral.

Despite the video's comedic value, the monologue is actually a meaningful call to action. After watching it, you may think to yourself, "Maybe I should actually use that gym membership I'm paying for." Or "maybe I should sit down and write that screenplay." Or "maybe thinking about starting a speciality quiche company is not the same as actually starting a speciality quiche company." You may want to take the video's advice and buckle down. Or you can take another, less labor-intensive route.

You could make a hilarious parody with your three-year-old daughter.

Youtube user "Tingman" and his adorable daughter Olor re-created the speech from the video, and its pretty amazing. LaBeouf's sentiments are actually easier to take seriously when translated by a three-year-old. Let's just hope young Olor doesn't end up imitating anything else that Shia has done.

10 ways to use a baby as something besides a baby.

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Time? Time turns babies into teenagers.

Babies. Are they single use, or what? Seems like all there is to do with them is love them and shepherd them into adulthood. Boring! Here are some fun alternative functions for the babies in your life. Use them for all this fun stuff, while they're still small enough to play with like a doll.

1. As little choreographers.

Sure, it's free-form, but it's on the beat. And if you need music...

2. As an instrument.

I think that baby's been hitting the bottle too hard.

3. As a dog toy.

NOT a chew toy. I'm not afraid to say it: dogs shouldn't chew on babies, babies shouldn't chew on dogs.

4. As a heavy lifter.


Or a way to attract attention to how strong YOU are, The Rock.

5. As a booze container.

Yeah, he's drinking a protein shake, but we all know that's not what we're filling a fake baby with before heading to church on Sunday.

6. As a reality check.


Loving that baby raises you up, cleaning up poop brings you back down to earth.
(via Kirsty Grant)

7. As a taste-tester.

Someone needs to make sure the sour fruit is sour.

8. As a housekeeper.

This baby is in more of a management position over that Roomba.

9. As a prop to troll your friends.


This is what happens when your babysitters have good Photoshop skills.(via Reddit)

10. As a cat toy.

That's what a cat "playing" with a child looks like.

Enjoy them while they're young, folks!

What we can learn about celebrity friendships from their text conversations.

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Celebrities are just people, their texts may just be texts, and fame doesn't get you exclusive A-list emojis (wait, does it?!?). But we all want to read their conversations anyway.

For better or worse, it's fascinating when a famous person posts a screenshot of a text message conversation with another, different famous person. It's like a sneak peek into their friendship, their inside jokes, and even private details like their capitalization style. For your viewing pleasure, here are some noteworthy (term used very loosely) celebrity text message conversations.

1. In this first slide, pop Machiavelli Taylor Swift and musician Jack Antonoff freak out about the release of the song they worked on together, "Out of the Woods."

Antonoff explains to Swift how distracted he was while walking Lamby, who everyone knows is his girlfriend Lena Dunham's dog. Meanwhile, Taylor is in a full body sweat, or so she says...we never can know what's real with the mastermind behind the powerful 1989 societal takeover.

2. Next, we have this flirtatious exchange between comedians Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak.

The two former Office co-stars have such frequent, public, and ambiguous interactions that there's an entire blog about them that New York Times chief book critic Michiko Kakutani says is definitely worth a read. Just kidding, but I do. This typical exchange features affection, comedy, dessert, and misunderstanding.

I've honestly never been so mad. @picturesoftext punk ass.

A photo posted by Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) on

3. Which brings us to another pair with a deeply layered relationship, pop star Ariana Grande and actress Jennette McCurdy.

They co-starred on Nickelodeon for eight years, and are kind of best friends and sort of enemies but actually both but also neither, or something. At one point in their saga, Grande posted this poem thing that Jennette texted her. Enthralling.

@jennettemccurdy

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on

4. Mae Whitman and Miles Heizer played sister and brother on the TV show Parenthood, but in real life they are best friends and live together.

Their relationship involves a lot of social media output, including some semi-vague screenshots that require you to fill in the context using your imagination. So they're basically art.

how I feel about the weekend ending

A photo posted by alabama whitman (@mistergarf) on

sweet dreams yall! #humpnight

A photo posted by alabama whitman (@mistergarf) on

5. And now we come to our final celebrity text conversation.

Here we have Girls creator Lena Dunham asking a question on behalf of showrunner Jenni Konner to "Man Repeller" fashion blogger Leandra Medine who answers by referencing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, which I think is also the plot of Inception.

We are truly lucky to have a direct line to @manrepeller for questions that just can't wait

A photo posted by Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) on

Article 15

Goodbye embarrassment: Gmail just added the one feature every user has been clamoring for.

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Gmail has just implemented an "undo send" option.


"Finally, those dick pics are all mine again!"(stock photo/Google)

How many times have you sent an email, then immediately wished you could take it back? A million? A billion? Probably a billion. Whether it's telling off your boss, begging an ex to take you back, or donating to public radio, we've all sent mortifying emails we regret. But now, the almighty Google has answered our prayers and introduced the greatest feature of all time: Undo Send.

As soon as you activate this email superpower, you'll have the ability to erase an email you've already sent, as long as it's within an allotted window of time you choose (up to 30 seconds), and the recipient hasn't read it yet. It's a race against time, for sure, but it's a race you'll want to win.

The feature has been in testing for six years. I don't know why it took so long to get it right, but that doesn't matter anymore. As of right now, every Gmail user has access to it. All you have to do is open Gmail in your web browser, go to the Settings menu (that gear in the upper right-hand corner of the window), and check the box next to "Enable Undo Send." Voila! You no longer have to exercise restraint while writing emails.

Now they just have to implement a feature where you can disable "reply all" for your coworkers and relatives. Or just ban them from email entirely. That would be sweet.

Beyoncé posted a makeup-free bathing suit selfie and it's too much for the Internet.

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Breaking no-makeup selfie news: Queen Bey has entered the game.

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

What if I told you Beyoncé posted a no-makeup selfie? What if I told you she posted a swimsuit selfie? What if I told you...it was the same selfie? Open your eyes, everybody, because that's what happened and we are now living in a brave new world. The singer of no-makeup selfie anthem "Flawless," which includes the highly no-makeup selfie hashtagged lyrics "woke up like this," has posed with a fresh face in what some are bafflingly referring to as a "monokini." Will we ever be the same?

Probably yes, because even though she's not wearing makeup, Beyoncé still looks like she's glowing, so it's not one of those no-makeup selfies that really makes you think. And no, this is not Beyoncé's first no-makeup selfie rodeo.

But these pictures send the message that it's perfectly acceptable for women to interact with the world sans a covered face—if they want!—so hopefully it won't be her last.

Police accidentally turn on chopper megaphone, blast 'x-rated' conversation to entire city.

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"Attention, citizens of Winnipeg. Oral sex can be negatively affected by too much body hair. You have been warned."

As far as police scandals go, this is pretty innocent. Well, maybe "innocent" isn't the right word, but at least no one was physically hurt. Emotionally scarred, perhaps, but unhurt. At around 10 p.m. last night, the hashtags #whoops and #speakerphone started trending in the Winnipeg, Canada area.

The reason? Two Winnipeg police officers manning the Air 1 chopper were having what they thought was a private discussion, when in fact one of them had accidentally switched on the chopper's megaphone.

You know, that megaphone on police choppers that's usually utilized to say things like, "We have you surrounded. Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up." Except this time, it was a discussion about the proper amount of body hair in oral sex situations. The phrase "too much body hair" was used.

Unfortunately, since the chopper was on the move, we don't know who had too much body hair. Was one of the officers saying his romantic partner had complained about his body hair? Or was he saying his partner had too much? It's also possible that the phrase "too much body hair" came after the words "there can never be," although that would be more likely in Quebec.

The Winnipeg PD has acknowledged the incident and issued an apology (another way this is different than most police scandals—an actual, direct, speedy apology).

Said the Department in a statement:

On June 22, 2015, at approximately 9:30 p.m., members of the Winnipeg Police Service Helicopter AIR1, while on routine patrol, inadvertently activated the aircraft's public address system. As a result, the flight crew's conversation was publically broadcast; some content of the conversation was inappropriate. The involved members were not able to hear the public address system from within the aircraft. They became aware their conversation had been broadcast and immediately turned the system off. The Winnipeg Police Service, the Flight Operations Unit, and the involved members sincerely apologize to all members of the public, especially those who overheard the broadcast. This incident is being reviewed. The outcome of this review will be determined at a later time.

We anxiously await the results of this review, particularly the department's official stance on body hair.


Article 11

This genius artist drew Disney princesses as raptors.

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A comic book artist just made so many dreams come true by drawing Disney princesses as raptors.


Most women have more in common with this Raptor than the original Snow White.
(via XP Web Comic)

Do love the idea of a fairy tale ending but get caught up in the unrealistic portrayal of the women in animation? Did your childhood toy chest include both dinosaurs and princess dresses? Have you ever wanted to tear a dress to shreds like a wild animal? Then these amazing drawings are for you. Actually, these are for everyone!

Jasmine's ponytail is still flawless.(via XP Web Comic)

Artist Laura Cooper combined her passions perfectly in these hilarious drawings. On her site, she wrote:

"This is my collection of Disney Princesses as raptors. In honor of the movie Jurassic World, I decided to illustrate some raptors the way I feel they should be portrayed; as princesses. In the words of my self, “A princess is many things, and a raptor is one of them."

Just to make sure you read that amazing quote coined by Laura herself, here it is again:

“A princess is many things, and a raptor is one of them."

It's true, princesses are everywhere, sometimes they even make up entire softball teams. Laura illustrated all the big names in Disney, including Belle, Mulan and Ariel-eating-Ursula.

Pocahontas scared away the settlers. (via XP Web Comic)

If Friends were to film reunion episodes, these would be in the storyline when Ross and Monica Gellar worked together to create a comic book.

Belle IS the beast.(via XP Web Comic)

Check out the rest of the princess-raptors here!

This guy made an amazing Craigslist ad when his girlfriend wanted him to get rid of his dog.

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Just read it, I don't want to ruin the amazing ending of this epic Craigslist ad.


Oh my Keyser Söze! That's a good twist ending.(via imgur)

Well, I have to agree with this guy. If anyone ever told me to give away my dog I would figure out a way to get rid of that person. I might even make a Craigslist ad to find someone to adopt the human who made the outrageous request that I forgo ownership of the most important person canine in my life.

According to Reddit, this post may have appeared online before, but it doesn't make it any less hilarious. I hope this guy writes more short stories, because I love a good surprise ending, and M. Night just isn't doing it for me anymore.

Here are some examples of why dogs are some of the best people in the world.

CNN's Don Lemon went on live TV and held up a sign with a huge racial slur on it.

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Lemon wanted to know if this would offend viewers, and he got his answer.

Don Lemon went live on CNN to pose an important question to viewers: "Why is Don Lemon still employed by CNN?" Seriously, this guy is never in the news for a positive reason. If he isn't telling rape victims how to not get raped, he's spreading misinformation about vaccines while shirtless. But this time, he's also gone too far.

Lemon appeared live on CNN, holding up a Confederate flag and asking viewers, "Does this offend you?" Then he did the same thing with a big sign that just had the N-word on it. He wanted to know if it offended people, and guess what? It did.

What do you think? Did Don Lemon's stunt offend you? Just kidding, don't tell us. If you do, then he wins.

This Uncle Kracker/Better Than Ezra/Sugar Ray super group sounds as bad as you'd think.

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Great news! Musicians from three bands you never want to hear again have combined into a Cerberus-like musical hellhound to haunt your aural nightmares.


Where's the fourth horseman? (via Getty Images)

Finally, there's a new summer anthem to make all the kids shout, "why, god, why?" So bring your self-loathing to the dance floor, because members of Uncle Kracker, Sugar Ray, and Better Than Ezra (specifically Mark McGrath, Uncle Kracker and Kevin Griffin) have created a Voltron of musical crapitude. What could they possibly sound like? Could it be an extended Uncle Kracker freestyle rap while the other guys pose around him and say things people remember from the 90s, like "grunge" and "frosted tips?" Well, I have the song embedded below, but first, I made an example Sugar Ray/Better Than Ezra/Uncle Kracker mash-up song to prepare you:

"I Don't Get Women, But I Get Music"

Every morning there's a halo hangin
from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed
Aha, it was good living with you.
Aha, it was good living with you.
Aha, it was good living with you.
Aha, it was good living with you.
Aha, it was good living with you.
I'm just a M C to keep the boogie in the party.

Anyway, surprise: The real song is worse than that! The single's is titled "BYHB," which stands for "bring your hot body," and I want to bring my hot body far, far away from anything to do with this song. There's an emotional spoken breakdown that repeats the lyrics "Can I get a hey-hey/Can I get a what-what" in the same tone a sane singer would use to say "I love you." I feel like the entire subtext of this song is "I am terrified of real emotions, and if I stop singing about your hot bod, I'll have to face my scary feelings, so I'm gonna KEEP SINGING."

Here you go/I'm sorry:

The U.S. military is really developing this 'Return of the Jedi' technology.

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One small step for man, one giant leap for 'Star Wars' becoming a reality.

Just when you thought the military couldn't think of any more ways to kill people, they have to go out and make a flying motorcycle. The project was originally developed by Chris Malloy of Malloy Aeronautics, a U.K.-based start-up specializing in drone technology. Malloy's original goal was to create a 1/3rd scale model of a hoverbike, which he accomplished with the help of Kickstarter. So yeah, sometimes there are other things you can invest in besides your friend's web series.

"I ditched my canoe for a sick hoverbike!"(via Malloy Aeronautics)

Malloy made the drone with the intention of raising funds for a full-sized, manned version of the bike. He christened his invention, "Hoverbike." Creativity isn't really Malloy's strong suit, but he has a hoverbike, so who gives a shit.


"Honey, could you please move your hoverbike so I can park?" (via Malloy Aeronautics)

After making a full-sized version that could fly (albeit still unmanned), it was announced at this month's Paris Air Show that Malloy's company would be collaborating with the US Army Research Laboratory in Maryland to make the real thing. If successfully completed, Malloy speculates that it could go as high as 10,000 feet and as fast as 173 m.p.h. The military speculates that it can be used for stealth and transport missions. The real question, however, is whether it can be used to deliver pizza.

Walt Jr. from 'Breaking Bad' is now a runway model, and it's weird.

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You know how it's weird when you see an actor you know for one character do another? It's also weird when you see an actor you know for one character walk the runway with a picture of boobs on his chest.


"Daaaaaad!" (via Getty Images)

RJ Mitte, the actor best known for playing Walt Jr. on Breaking Bad, is now a model. Recently, he walked the runway for Vivienne Westwood's Spring/Summer 2016 show in Milan. And he has some good news, gentlemen: next year, you'll all be wearing ladybreasts with your paint-splattered sweats, 90s-throwback sandals, and dead-eyed expressions!

He modeled another outfit as well, which looks like a casino dealer woke up an hour late for work and got dressed while still drunk:


"I'm not drunk at work, you're drunk at work. Just give me the cards. I'm fine. It's just poker." (via Getty Images)

Mitte was also seen at Armani and Fendi shows, and seemed pretty stoked about the whole Milan fashion week experience, as evidenced by several tweets such as this one:


Science finally decides who is wrong about whether cilantro tastes like soap.

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It's not your fault you're wrong, cilantro-haters. You're wrong all the way down to your genes. Probably.

Ever have someone chew you out for including cilantro in a dish, yelling at you for liking something that tastes like soap? We've all met that person, and they act really certain that they're right and that you are an idiot for thinking this tasty green plant tastes like a tasty green plant. Fortunately for your sanity and any semblance of logic and justice in the universe, scientists finally determined that at least half of the 4% to 14% of people who are convinced (wrongly) that cilantro tastes like soap have extra copies of a smell-receptor gene that detects soap-type smells. A gene that makes you wrong, in other words.

Granted, there seem to be other genes to blame for this, but given the unusually high correlation of cilantro tastes among both identical and (to a lesser extent) fraternal twins, it definitely seems to be a genetic thing.

And you're wrong. And you should apologize for making everyone's meals less tasty because your weird ancestors were also wrong. Am I tongue-shaming? You bet I am. And I won't back down.

Flirting

Here are the most popular lipstick shades across the world, thanks to an odd source.

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Heathrow Airport commissioned a report on worldwide lipstick trends, because airports and lipstick go together like... train stations and eyeshadow?


Here is what the world would look like if some countries and cities were smothered to death with massive amounts of lipstick. DO YOU LIKE MAKEUP NOW?
(via Heathrow Airport)

Of course, the real reason Heathrow Airport commissioned the report, entitled "Lipstick Colours of the Year," is because the airport is apparently trying to promote itself as a beauty shopping mecca. The idea of buying cosmetics at the airport blows my mind — if I buy a bottle of water at the airport, it's $4.50. How much would a goddamn tube of lipstick cost? I'd probably have to sell my plane ticket just to pay for it. Heathrow is marketing to a category of rich that I've never even thought of before: "I'm going to shop at the airport" rich.

Anyway, Heathrow commissioned this report package, which includes a history of lipstick, an artist carving small replicas of worldwide landmarks into lipstick (because why?), and "the top lip colour worn by women in 50 stylish destinations that Heathrow flies to." Those are as follows:



I hope Heathrow also starts providing Cosmo-style sex tips. (via Heathrow Airport)

I simultaneously find this report interesting and hate it. I love wearing lipstick but feel icky when someone gives me a marketing-voiced, "you go girl" lipstick manifesto to try to get me to go shopping for goddamn beauty products at a goddamn airport. Like this shit:

Heathrow offers an amazing range of lipstick shades and textures so you won't have to look far to find one that will light up your face and possibly your life.

Plus, there are weird moments that just seem so disconnected from real women, like this suggestion for trying to figure out your skin tone: "Hold some silver and gold fabric up to your face. If gold looks better, you're 'warm'; silver, you're 'cool'." Maybe I'm just bad at being a girl, so let me ask all of you other ladies this — do y'all just have both silver and gold clothing hanging in your closet? If so, why? Do you worry that you could be called upon to play a human statue at any moment?

Anyway, if you want to look at the report yourself, you can learn techniques for using five of the most popular colors and also be told to "Keep channelling Kate Moss," who was recently escorted off a plane for being drunk and disorderly, so she's definitely a great example for any airport promotion.

This is an a capella Michael Jackson medley, and you are going to watch it.

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Don't try to deny it. You are going to watch this a capella Michael Jackson medley, and you are going to enjoy it.

You like Michael Jackson songs, because you aren't a monster. You like seeing people pretend to be musical instruments, because what is up with that? That is why you are going to watch this a capella medley from Pentatonix. Oh, sure, you might open it in another tab to save it for later. You might even be like "this description telling me I'm going to like a thing is dumb, so I'm going to ignore it." But guys, come on. It's good musicians singing bits from some of the best pop songs ever written. Just watch it.

Watch a mama rabbit kick the epic heck out of a snake attacking its babies.

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Here's your daily reminder that for as cute as rabbits are, they are also f-ing fierce.

When this mama rabbit discovers a black snake coiled around her babies, she does what any good mother would do: freak the fuck out on the predator. It's intense. And awesome. This rabbit is more of a badass than most humans. Well, at the very least, this rabbit is more of a badass than I am. Here are some things this rabbit can do that I probably couldn't:

1. Repeatedly attack a giant-ass snake.

2. Star in the sequel to Snakes on a Plane alongside Samuel L. Jackson.

3. Sleep outside in a nest. (Eh, maybe I'd get used to it.)

Remember, everyone: never wrap yourself around someone else's babies, whether they're animal or human, or you're gonna get your ass kicked.

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