You're that girl who removes her glasses and everyone suddenly realizes you're just as weird as you were before.
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Happy birthday to someone whose party I'm actually not going to try and sneak out of early.
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We'll be friends forever or until you move over an hour away.
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The bond we share could never be broken by anything except possibly a passive-aggressive Facebook comment.
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Happy autumn to a hipster whose year-round flannel wardrobe is temporarily weather-appropriate.
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Just because I rarely bother to return your calls and emails doesn't mean I don't consider you a close friend.
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I'm celebrating Hump Day by falling asleep on top of you during sex.
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I exercise just to make you feel bad about not exercising.
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I just gave oral sex to a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
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I'm still pretty much wearing the same outfits I did in the '80s.
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May the candles on your birthday cake outnumber your gray pubes.
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Happy anniversary to a couple whose love and devotion after so many years continues to freak the hell out of everyone.
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I want to awkwardly share a bathroom with you for the rest of my life.
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Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
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America's biggest hole, after your mom.
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The amount of time you spend in the office says a lot about how awful your home life must be.
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Please don't talk to me like a pirate or anything else today.
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I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here.
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Sex with you is so good that we should celebrate it by having sex.
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I really need to find a hobby at work.
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