Makes sense that this is the first thing we've heard about Bam since 2005.

Remember that dude from Jackass who was always punching and/or getting punched by his friends on TV everyday? Some Icelandic rappers punched him in the face for real this weekend at the Secret Solstice festival in Reykjavik, Iceland. Bam claims he was trying to get into a tent to confront his former publicist about some money he was owed. When he wasn't let in, all hell broke loose. According to Bam, he was just trying to get in touch with the publicist, but the festival's organizers claim he started harassing the female security guards. Whatever happened, a bunch of dudes starting pounding on Bam, including Icelandic rapper/real life Game of Thrones characterGísli Pálm and another Nordic rapper named Egill "Tiny" Thorarensen.

Maybe the one upside to this that we all now know that Icelandic hip-hop is a thing that exists.

This kid delivered.

"Hi, I'm Anson and I'll be taking your order. Unless it's an emergency, in which case I'll be the one giving orders." (via)

It's only June, but one kid already has the best summer job story of 2015. 19-year-old Anson Lemmer is staying with his parents in Glenwood Springs, CO for the summer (they live in Denver normally) and working as a pizza delivery boy for Uncle Pizza. After only two days on the job, he probably has Employee of the Year on lockdown.

"This was my very last order of the night. I expected to just run right out there and back," Lemmer recounted to the Post Independent, but "when I pulled up there, I knew something was wrong, and I had to act." Not only is this kid a hero, he's a pretty good storyteller, too.

“When I pulled up [to the address], I knew something was wrong, and I had to act." That something wrong was a man turning blue in the front yard, with another man ineffectively attempting to revive him and yet another calling 911.

"They asked me right away if I knew CPR. I jumped in right away to do those chest compressions." Fortunately, Lemmer had just been instructed in CPR the year prior, and didn't hesitate for a second.

This is just a photo from Uncle Pizza's Facebook page. It's not really related to the story. But the caption they had was "We can't really deliver babies, but..." Well, maybe they should reconsider that now that they have Anson F-ing Lemmer on staff.
(via Facebook)

"It's important to not get caught up in the bystander effect," continued the remarkably cool kid, “I felt a couple of ribs break. He's going to wake up with sore ribs." Much like Lemmer after getting hugged by everyone in town.

Approximately 10-15 minutes after Lemmer took control of the situation, Glenwood Fire Department paramedics arrived on the scene. They shook his hand and thanked him, which seems appropriate.

“He started to breathe. Very wheezy. Not coherent yet. I backed off." Because that's what cool life-saving folks do once they know their job here is done.

Lemmer's manager, not knowing what a badass he had on his hands, at first assumed the kid had gotten lost. But he hadn't gotten lost. He'd saved some dude's life and taken some time to himself to call his parents and reflect on the nature of life and pizza delivery. "I called my parents and said this has been the craziest pizza delivery ever. I left a pizza boy and came back a pizza man."

As if it wasn't obvious from how awesome he'd been already, Lemmer added, “If I stumble across something like that, I'm going to do anything I can to help."

In fact, the only thing Lemmer said that didn't make sense to me was, "They didn't want the pizza after that, of course." Um, I think I'd like a nice slice of Uncle Pizza after that. Unless they're planning on having it bronzed and mounted in the center of town in his honor.

That makes much more sense. Good job, kid. I mean, man.

It's a war that has raged since before man and his puny weapons evolved on this planet. Swarms of marauding bomb-bats, and the floating dreadnoughts known as laser crocs.

Thank you, YouTuber Blackhawk. And thanks, BBC, for the already-cool but not-nearly-this-cool Wonders of the Monsoon documentary it was taken from.

That's really all I have to say. Night!

ARGHGHHRHRHAHRHRHRHRRHWhoops.

This video is from Russia, but it doesn't really require any explanation. So I'm not going to give it much. You can watch the whole video below, which involves the before and after of this delicious moment, but it has really dumb music the entire time and is kind of shaky. It's still pretty funny to see what he does after this, though.

P.S. Yes this is probably record time for me borrowing something from reddit's front page. I'm here by myself tonight.

A comic book artist just made so many dreams come true by drawing Disney princesses as raptors.

Most women have more in common with this Raptor than the original Snow White.
(via XP Web Comic)

Do love the idea of a fairy tale ending but get caught up in the unrealistic portrayal of the women in animation? Did your childhood toy chest include both dinosaurs and princess dresses? Have you ever wanted to tear a dress to shreds like a wild animal? Then these amazing drawings are for you. Actually, these are for everyone!

Jasmine's ponytail is still flawless.(via XP Web Comic)

Artist Laura Cooper combined her passions perfectly in these hilarious drawings. On her site, she wrote:

"This is my collection of Disney Princesses as raptors. In honor of the movie Jurassic World, I decided to illustrate some raptors the way I feel they should be portrayed; as princesses. In the words of my self, “A princess is many things, and a raptor is one of them."

Just to make sure you read that amazing quote coined by Laura herself, here it is again:

“A princess is many things, and a raptor is one of them."

It's true, princesses are everywhere, sometimes they even make up entire softball teams. Laura illustrated all the big names in Disney, including Belle, Mulan and Ariel-eating-Ursula.

Pocahontas scared away the settlers. (via XP Web Comic)

If Friends were to film reunion episodes, these would be in the storyline when Ross and Monica Gellar worked together to create a comic book.

Belle IS the beast.(via XP Web Comic)

Check out the rest of the princess-raptors here!

Kim K. recently announced the sex of her unborn baby, but she might have actually known all along.

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jun 8, 2015 at 7:54am PDT

An anonymous source told Us Weekly that Kardashian used a special "gender-selection process" to make sure she had a boy. Kardashian has been open about her struggles to get pregnant again and her use of IVF. Now the source—Khloe? Kourtney? Kendall? Kylie? Bambi?—says that she only had male embryos implanted during the process.

“She only had boy embryos implanted," says a source close to Kardashian, who confirmed the gender on Monday, June 21, after Us Weekly broke the news. During the procedure — which can start at roughly $17,000 — doctors isolate fertilized embryos of the preferred sex in a lab, then transfer them to a uterus.

According to the article, one of the reasons for doing this was that Kanye West always wanted to have a son so he would have "an heir," which is Pride and Prejudice-level wacky and outdated. But maybe it was just that Kim had already chosen which emojis she was going to use for her announcement:

You're such a good daddy to North & you will be the best daddy to our new son too!
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 22, 2015

The latest prank from Improv Everywhere features a bunch of people hiding in a toilet.

Here at Someecards, we love pranks. And the best pranks are always the simplest. Except for times like this one, when they're extremely elaborate.

New York-based prank collective Improv Everywhere is known for grandiose public stunts, and this one is no exception. They hired a marching band, a mariachi band, a gospel choir and more just to surprise people at the Governors Ball music festival in New York. And as an added dose of sadism, their chosen targets were people who had to go to the bathroom.

Honestly though, if you're going into a porta-potty, a band popping out is the best possible outcome. The worst is that you use the porta-potty. That's like your body playing a cruel prank on you.

The Melbourne Zoo recorded the first time Obi went into the big pool with his mother.

I didn't know much about pygmy hippopotami before today. After watching this video, here's what I know: I love them. At least when they're babies. The adults seem OK, but the little ones are the cutest little shiny goblins I've ever seen. Especially Obi here.

Obi lives at the Melbourne Zoo with his mother, Petre. He recently took a swim in the zoo's big pool with his mom for the first time, and the zookeepers filmed the whole thing, because they know a viral hit when they see it. Obi's name means "heart" in Igbo, a Nigerian language. Yeah, this zoo knows exactly what they're doing.

Did you know that hippos kill more than 300 people a year? They're very violent animals. But not Obi. The only thing he'd kill is a frown.

Ninja weapons should not be brandished at parties.

No one likes it when bros drunkenly show off at parties. This stunt involves one bro holding a sausage in his mouth while the other attempts to chop it with a sword. And unfortunately for the assistant, his friend's aim was not true. (Warning: this video is not really graphic, because it happens too fast for blood or cussing, but should not be watched by those who get squeamish at the sight of amateur rhinoplasty.)

Cheers and awes from the onlooking guests quickly turn to horror as they realize the attempt was unsuccessful. Sometimes when you get drunk and embarrass yourself at a party, it's difficult to save face.

Here's a censored image of the aftermath. (Warning: this image, although censored, does have a lot of blood and the graphic stare of someone who is thinking about a lot of life choices.)

The uncensored aftermath can be seen here (WARNING: looks like you'd expect).

J.K. Rowling, famous author of 'Harry Potter' alternaterealitieson Twitter, made an exciting announcement today.

I'm also very excited to confirm today that a new play called Harry Potter and the #CursedChild will be opening in London next year.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 26, 2015

My Imperius Curse worked, and there's going to be a theatrical version of Harry Potter. Rowling made the announcement today because it's the anniversary of the publication of the first Harry Potter book, and if you didn't know that, you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you know what the appropriate 18-year anniversary gift for books is.

Today is a very special day for two reasons. Firstly, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was published in the UK 18 years ago!
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 26, 2015

She also released some details about the production. Some of them are exciting, like the creative team including a Skins writer and the Once director. Others are cryptic, like why Rowling chose to write this as a play instead of a book.

It will tell a new story, which is the result of a collaboration between writer Jack Thorne, director John Tiffany and myself. #CursedChild
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 26, 2015

To answer one inevitable (and reasonable!) question - why isn't #CursedChild a new novel? - I am confident that when audiences see the play
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 26, 2015

they will agree that it was the only proper medium for the story. #CursedChild
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 26, 2015

What does that mean? Accio answers!

If you haven't heard that Adam Scott and Jason Schwartzman wear prosthetic penises in their new movie, 'The Overnight,' you haven't been paying attention.

Seeminglyeveryarticleabout the film focuses on this... element. And the prosthetic penis publicty blitz continued last night when Scott and Schwartzman appeared on Conan. Schwartzman told a funny story about sending a fake-dick pic to his wife, and then accidentally showing it to his daughter's teacher. And there was lots of talk about being naked, being not naked, being somewhat naked, etc. I'm not going to say all the prosthetic talk isn't interesting—I'm in!—but The Overnight is actually also supposed to be a good movie. Anyway, back to prosthetic penises, here's Schwartzman's compromising photo:

This is open on my computer for work!!! (via Team Coco)

The prosthetic penises are in theaters now.

People claim they can see what looks like Michael Jackson dancing in this video of a thunderstorm.

The Man in the Mirror just showed up in this cloud!(via FOX)

Rain can wash away a lot. One thing it can't wash away is the bad taste in your mouth every time you turn on the radio to find out pop music has turned to garbage since Michael Jackson died.

Our memory of Michael Jackson is something that will live through many storms to come, as evidenced by the fact that a full six years after his death, people think he's appearing in the clouds over Virginia. A storm chaser took the photo, and immediately after posting it, people started to claim they could see the late pop star dancing in the photo.

I think if Michael Jackson is touring in the afterlife, he might play a bigger town than Goochland, Virginia. But maybe he wants to start small, then move his way up to his way to bigger ghost arenas like having his face appear in a sand dune in the Mojave Desert before his hologram plays a show in Vegas.

What do you see in the photo?

Breaking story, burns still developing.

It's a historic day in America, and probably a good day for Justice Scalia to stay off his phone. It seems like everyone on the Internet is celebrating the SCOTUS marriage decision by making fun of his over-the-top dissent. Because, like, how mad is he? Here are some of the best tweets so far.

When ya moms didn't pack a dessert pic.twitter.com/8YqedJrOQX

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 26, 2015

SCALIA: "And another thing-- I've had enough of all this rock and roll music!"

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 26, 2015

*Justice Scalia riding a moped after an ice cream truck shaking his fist*

— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) June 26, 2015

Quiz: Scalia Dissent Or Catskills Standup Routine

— Joel and 9 others (@joeljohnson) June 26, 2015

Scalia’s dissent starts off with a resounding “lol bro i’m straight" pic.twitter.com/NqgsoIhyvq

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashfein) June 26, 2015

"Gay marriage? Ugh more like SCOTUSmarriage!!!" —sick burn from Scalia's next dissent

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 25, 2015

"I'm being told we have Justice Scalia's dissenting opinion coming in now..." #SCOTUSMarriagepic.twitter.com/kHVUOCw6NU

— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 26, 2015

That Scalia opinion reads like it was issued via Yelp.

— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) June 25, 2015

Literally cannot wait to see John Goodman play Anthony Scalia.

— Starz (@Alanstarzinski) June 26, 2015

Someone please get Justice Antonin Scalia a verified Twitter account. Thanks.

— Elena Schneider (@ec_schneider) June 26, 2015

“Jiggery-Pokery”? “argle bargle”? Reading Scalia is like imagining Yosemite Sam as a justice. #SCOTUS

— Rob Paravonian (@RobPRocks) June 26, 2015

Live footage of Scalia: https://t.co/75xJq7MACZ

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) June 26, 2015

i want to eat at whatever chinese restaurant scalia goes to pic.twitter.com/hhjfVB5S8J

— Alex Shephard (@alex_shephard) June 26, 2015

"Do you guys actually know how horrible marriage is?" —Scalia

— Mike Hogan (@mike_hogan) June 26, 2015

SCOTUS votes 5-4 that gay marriage bans violate equal protection, demean the dignity of gay couples, and inflict harm upon children. Also, all that "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" jazz.

Princess Bride quotes are still appropriate on huge news days, right?(via)

State bans on same-sex marriage across the country have been struck down based on the promise of equal protection under the law enshrined in the Constitution. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the decision (which you can read here) after concurring with four of his more liberal peers in a case filed by same-sex couples in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee. The decision will ultimately render all state bans unconstitutional, however, not just the ones directly related to this case. It's unclear what the timeframe is for the changes to go into effect—but now that the Supremes have weighed in, it's only a question of when, and the answer is "pretty darn soon."

Guess we have to retire this list now: The most hilariously effective signs supporting gay marriage.

A timeline of how we got here: Since the dawn of the 2000s, SCOTUS seemed determined to leave the issue up to state legislatures, state referendums, and state courthouses. This included both declining to hear cases challenging same-sex marriage bans and declining to hear appeals from anti-gay-marriage groups when state courts struck those bans down.

Related: The single most important marriage announcement in the wake of today's gay marriage ruling.

However, in June of 2013, the Supreme Court (with Kennedy again writing the opinion) ruled against a portion of the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) passed by Congress and signed by Clinton in the 90s (he since claims to regret it) in United States vs. Windsor.

Related: The wedding invitation that would put an end to the same-sex marriage debate once and for all.

The Windsor decision basically said that the federal government had to respect states where same-sex marriage was legal and give same-sex married couples in those states the same legal and tax benefits as heterosexual couples. This is a pretty cut-and-dry legal argument, but a different part of Kennedy's opinion focused on how failing to do this demeans same-sex couples, and particularly their children, by making them legally inferior.

Related: The Supreme Court doesn't allow cameras, so here's 11 minutes of dogs dressed up like Justices for any news channel to use.

That line of reasoning paved the path from 2013 to today's historic decision. Those who opposed same-sex marriage tried for decades to argue it hurt children (with zero evidence supporting this claim besides an icky feeling), and now that argument had been flipped around. Kids know when their parents are considered second-class by the government, so yes, there was harm caused to the children of same-sex married couples, but it was caused by the government itself.

Scalia still believes marriage should be between one claymation man and one woman.

— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 26, 2015

This news is still emerging, so I haven't had time yet to provide a cogent analysis of whatever Scalia's angry rebuttal was. Anyway, happy Friday everyone. Does SCOTUS even know it's Pride Week in a lot of cities? I'd like to think so, but I'm guessing no.

They've won.

P.S. - Yes, legal nerds, those quotes I started this article off with are from the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution. But even SCOTUS quotes the Declaration in some decisions, since that 1776 document often comes closer to the founding spirit of our laws than the drier, slavery-containing founding letter of the 1789 Constitution.