On the website "Canadian Inmates Connect," everyone is given a second chance to find love.

Mark your calendars, gentlemen.(via Motherboard)

We don't usually write about grisly murder on Someecards, because life is hard enough, but this story is so weird. So weird! Melissa Fazzina started Canadian Inmates Connect because she believes that all people deserve a shot at rehabilitation and a part of that process is human connection and relationships.

Fazzina was still pretty surprised to get an application from this Canadian murderer. First of all, Luka Magnotta isn't just a murderer, he's a famous one. Without getting into any of those grisly details (enjoy Googling, ya creeps) he led the cops on a merry chase that made headlines for weeks before he was apprehended. A sad fact of life is that famous murderers get a LOT of fan-mail. It's like a sack of personal ads directed to you every day.

So, why does he even need a profile? It reads:

“Seeking single white male, 28-38 years of age, white and in shape. One who is loyal, preferably educated, financially and emotionally stable for a long term committed relationship. If you think you could be my prince charming, send me a detailed letter with at least two photos. Only those I deem compatible will receive a response.”

Hurm. Whatever Fazzina thinks about Magnotta personally, he paid his $35 dollar fee and she's putting his profile up! Hopefully, whoever connects with him now is older and far, far wiser by 2037.

Jen Chafitz found worms burrowing into a piece of fish she bought at a Fry's grocery store.

Jen Chafitz and her husband Dustin do all of their shopping at a Fry's Food and Drug Store in Glendale, Arizona. Or they used to, until they found this unspeakable horror in a wrapped package of salmon: two live worms wriggling in and out of the fish.

"Its head was sticking out of the fish," Chafitz told ABC 15, "Standing there I felt like something was crawling on me, it was really gross."

They immediately captured the worms on video, both to prove that they hadn't tampered with the package, and to warn their friends who also shopped at Fry's. Jen put the video on Facebook, where it quickly went viral. It's already been shared more than 5,000 times, and has been watched almost 300,000 times. Not exactly the best publicity for the store.

Salmon isn't like yogurt. You don't want active cultures in there.
(via Facebook)

Jen brought the fish back and received a full refund. Meanwhile, a Fry's representative told ABC 15 that they were contacting the distributor to make sure quality control was up to snuff. That's not very reassuring. Maybe if somebody sells you wormy meat, you should do more than call.

There's an important lesson here for all consumers: don't eat food. Just soak up all your energy from the sun. Everything else has worms in it.

It's worth it just for the hats!

I sort of want to do all these trends at the same time.(via Youtube)

There's something quite satisfying about watching someone travel through time via makeup. The clip (below) by Cut Video shows one model experiencing 100 years of beauty trends in one seamless transformation. Russian beauty trends somewhat mirror what we know about looks throughout the past ten decades, but they've definitely got their own vibe going on. Regardless of your opinions about Russian politics, let this video transcend political agendas for a journey through the years.

Here are all the looks, in chronological order because of OCD:

1910 is just so adorable.

1920 moved the pearls from her head to her neck.

1930 gazes into the future, rocking a head scarf.

1940 means business, both with that brow and that hat.

1950 is a perfect housewife and I need that lip color.

1960 is the year of the headband that reminds me of middle school in the 90s.

1970 says "HELL YES FUR HAT."

1980 represents all we could ever want from hair in 1980.

1990 was all. About. Those. Bangs.

2000 was also known as the Year of The Hair Helmet.

2010 knows this decade is gonna be a riot.

Here's the full video:

I have a feeling the next issue of GOOP will be about what wine pairs best with laughing over a roaring fire of tabloid covers featuring your ex and his Millennial fling.

We barely had time to get annoyed by you two. (Getty)

Congratulations, Internet-dwellers, your improbable fantasies about Jennifer Lawrence will no longer require an elaborate prologue in which you convince her that you are a better dating partner than Chris Martin, lead singer of the money factory known as Coldplay.

Now you can skip straight to the implausible part of her actually maintaining eye contact with you and not calling security, because J-Law and C-Mart (or "LawMart" as they should have been called) are done-zos. Finito. On the outs. They've moved to Splitsville, population: them. Like a parrot pining for the fjords, they are no more.

They've broken up.

"Oh, you think you can uncouple with half the grace I have?"

According to Us Weekly, Jennifer was "too successful." Meaning "Jen has been working nonstop and they never saw each other," according to an insider (whatever those are).

J-Law has since reconnected with Nicholas Hoult, whom IMDb claims to be an actor but that could just be a favor the Internet is doing J-Law to give her arm candy a resume.

"I am qualified to keep America's sweetheart company in this difficult time."
(via Twitter)

As for C-Mart, last time they broke up he did just fine.

Chris Martin looks like he's going to be A-OK http://t.co/5PwPApSJpypic.twitter.com/MRHxtd6BtX
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 31, 2014

What is it about Independence Day that sparks break-ups? Oh, right. The Independence.

This browser extension shoves local singles in your face all day.

I have literally opened up a dozen tabs just putting this story together.(via Tab)

The next step in Internet dating is here: every interaction with the Internet is a date. Or a potential date. Tab isn't exactly an online site for finding love, like OKCupid. It's a browser extension you can add to Google Chrome which presents you with potential love interests every time you open a new tab to search for info on your gross foot wart or something.

Wow, what a great candid pic.(via Tab)

Basically, if you like what you see you click the heart. If someone somewhere hearted you somewhere in between checking Facebook, then you're matched and can start chatting away. If you don't like them after they open their dumb mouths, just keep on browsing like you intended.

There are all kinds of Chrome extensions that people use to customize their Internet experience. I kept thinking of the one that tells you the time, then asks what you'd like to accomplish today... if I had Tab I probably wouldn't accomplish much. The stress of constantly having potential mates thrown in my face, even when I'm sober at work, sounds daunting. But they're still in their "sign up" phase, so I won't know either way for awhile. Yes, I signed up. See you on the flip tab.

The Saudi Arabian teenager is being criticized for this cheeky image he posted to social media.

Just because he's making a face doesn't mean you can too.
(via Daily Mail)

If you were offended by selfie sticks, bear selfies, operating room selfies, homeless selfies, or Kim Kardashian's book of selfies, you were wrong. Compared to this, those are all perfectly tasteful. Only now has the selfie craze gone too far.

This teenager in Saudi Arabia was in the hospital room of his freshly-dead grandfather when he decided the best tribute was to take a lighthearted selfie with him. He stuck out his tongue, snapped the pic, and uploaded it to Facebook. It's not like he had no respect – he did caption the photo "Goodbye Grandfather" and indicate that he was "feeling sad." He even accompanied it with the purest expression of millennial grief, a frowny emoticon.

That couldn't protect him from the Internet's wrath, however. Since the photo was posted, people all across the world have been coming together to gripe about what a little jerk he is. And in his native Saudi Arabia, a country very concerned with morals, it's much worse.

Related: Funeral selfies are the new thing.

Local authorities have launched an official investigation into the boy's behavior. A lawyer named Saud al-Harbi said the kid would definitely be punished, telling The Daily Mail:

"It is a terrible provocation of common feelings and a flagrant violation of public morals. The society completely rejects such attitudes that are not condoned in any way by its values or traditions."

The hospital is also being investigated for allowing this to happen, although I'm not sure how they could have stopped it. Are they supposed to put a guard in every room to prevent family members from doing anything immoral? It's Saudi Arabia, so probably.

Related: Girl's smiling Auschwitz selfie lands her in hot water.

Maybe this incident will put the final nail in the selfie coffin. Or maybe selfie coffins will become a real thing. Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't still be active on social media! And under the ground, there won't be kids to photobomb you with stupid faces.

If ice cream cone shapes are something you give a shit about, this will blow your fucking mind.

Legit the first time ice cream has made me think of Requiem for a Dream.
(via Twitter)

Strap your sweaty asses in, because this is shocking enough to blow you out of even the stickiest leather seat. Someone just reinvented the whole ice cream game. Forget sugar cones, forget waffle cups, forget the Choco Taco supreme (especially the Choco Taco—that's a young man's game, and your metabolism ain't up to Choco Taco snuff no more): the J-Cone just wiped the fucking floor with those amateur ice-cream-holding shapes.

Found a Korean ice cream truck in Soho with J shaped cones. People stare when you eat it but yolo. pic.twitter.com/HDwrszDw7o

— Maricia J. (@MusingsofKrav) June 14, 2015

Look at this fucker. Look how much more fun it's going to make your summer. Like all food innovation in the 21st Century, the J-Cone was developed in a roving gas-powered mobile culinary laboratory (also known as a food truck). Specifically, NYC's PlayJScream food truck.

Play-J ice cream! The new shape of ice cream is now available in NYC! #jscream#지팡이아이스크림pic.twitter.com/dvKR6W0w3J

— playjscream (@PlayJscream) April 17, 2015

Not only is it the frozen offspring of a churro and a beer bong, it saves you from the problem of the huge top-heavy lump that melts all over your hand. Also, the dick jokes are endless. Like "check out this dick holding a J-Cone":

We had a cowboy crew came by yesterday at Play-J. Don't worry people! #playj#jscream#playjscream#icecreampic.twitter.com/sKS5KGpU06

— playjscream (@PlayJscream) April 19, 2015

Or you could make saxophone jokes.

Ohhh Kenny G!!?? No Kenny J!!! Playing J'scream at Play-J!! Thank you for your wonderful performance! #jscreampic.twitter.com/5MC1lc1Y7R

— playjscream (@PlayJscream) April 21, 2015

But you're going to make dick jokes.

This world-beating ice cream containment shape is currently only available in New York City, and you can find out where the truck is by following it on Twitter. Since it's a mildly fun and marketable idea, however, expect your town to have six of them by the end of next year.

Sit down. Your father and I need to talk to you about something. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced.

You've probably heard by now that America's daredevils are ending their marriage after 10 years. Surely, you've considered how this will affect your own life (not at all in any way). Now, let's take a moment to look back at some key moments in their relationship, as demonstrated by facial expressions taken completely out of context.

This is when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner first met on the set of "Pearl Harbor." She thought she made a fool of herself, but he was charmed.

(via Getty)

It felt silly, but she hadn't been this excited to go on a first date in a long time.

(via Columbia Pictures)

And soon after, he told his buddies that he thought he met "The One."

(via Claire Folger, Warner Bros. Entertainment)

He proposed to her in front of a gathering of all their closest friends and family.

(via Twentieth Century Fox)

Their relationship helped them feel stable in the chaotic world of Hollywood, and they loved drinking egg nog lattes, looking into each other's eyes, and discussing "Alias," which Affleck always had a lot of questions about.

(via Daily Mail)

Ah, so this is what it means to have a "partner," they thought. And this is what it means to actually be happy. He loved to put his arm all the way around her neck like she was in a chokehold and kiss her; she loved to make a gagging face as an inside joke.

(via Time)

On July 4th, Ben went to a cheerleading competition that Jen was competing in. Right before she went on, he quietly told her that he didn't understand if Sydney Bristow was loyal to the CIA or SD-6.

(via Celebitchy)

When Garner was pregnant with their first child, the couple attended a Red Sox game where they thought they saw a UFO, but decided to never talk about it again.

(via Getty)

One night, they were discussing what they needed to ask their assistant to pick up at the grocery store for their kids' lunches that week, when suddenly they started fighting.

(via Twentieth Century Fox)

Jen eventually became so constantly frustrated with Ben that she tried to call a taxi to take her home in the middle of the "Argo" premiere, but she was so upset she forgot handphones haven't been invented yet.

(via Getty)

Then, during the 16th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards, Ben leaned over and whispered in Jen's ear, "Seriously, is the girl in "Alias" a good guy or bad guy?" Jen didn't know why, but that was the last straw.

(via Getty)

He packed up all his belongings and asked Matt Damon to come over with a U-haul. It was pouring rain. They shared one last kiss outside their Los Angeles home, and then said goodbye.

(via Twentieth Century Fox)

She gave birth the old fashioned way.

Amber Pangborn was nine months pregnant when she decided to hit up the casino, as most third trimester women are wont to do. After shooting some craps and getting in a fight at the blackjack table, she got in the car to return to her parents' house. As she was driving, a thought entered her mind: Didn't I hear something about a short cut around here? Through the back woods or something? You know what? Tonight is the perfect night to try that out.

And so she did. A few hours later, she was in the middle of the woods without gas or cell service. And then her water broke.

"And this is the hospital where you were born, honey." (via KCRA)

She gave birth that night, which was a Thursday, but she remained in the woods for three days, subsisting only on apples and modest amounts of water. She had to fend off mosquitoes and bees, who "wanted [her] placenta." When Amber's supplies were running out on Saturday, she made a signal fire to try and catch someone's attention. The signal fire kind of turned into a forest fire, but hey, environmentalism takes a backseat when perverted bees are trying to eat your placenta. The fire was eventually spotted by the U.S. Forest Service, who found Amber when they came to investigate.

The baby was born prematurely, so it's currently in the hospital, but Pangborn's mother has reported that it's "doing great." Pangborn is incredibly grateful for the way things turned out. All in all, it looks like a crisis was truly averted.

There is one weird detail, however; Pangborn's mom said that her daughter went to the casino "hoping to induce labor." Is that a thing? That's not a thing, right?

The only way to up the dork factor would be to miss.

Until recently, I fully believed that the nerdiest high fives in the history of human civilization occurred when my friend Brian and I spent an afternoon slapping each other with "dismembered arms" while we were filming a no-budget zombie movie in the New Jersey Pine Barrens with a Super 8 camera we ordered out of the back of an issue of Fangoria magazine.

I now believe that the nerd high five torch has been passed along. And I think this lab technician guy is going to be in possession of it for quite a while.

Somebody finally figured out a way to make ice cream compelling.

Excuse me for stating the obvious, but eating ice cream is a total chore! Am I right? Nobody wants to shove a heaping, glistening bowlful of frozen cream and sugar into their mouth, but we do it because we have to. I mean, as much as we might like to, we can't eat carrots and beets all day, every day.

That's why it's really nice to see this Cold Stone Creamery employee from Qatar doing his level best to make the process of going out to buy ice cream a little less tedious. If you've got to eat some ice cream, you might as well watch it being hurled artfully through the air first, right?

Not one of these ducks said, 'Thank you.'

You can never tell when or if heroism will be thrust upon us. You don't wake up in the morning and say, "Today, I'm going to save the lives of an entire brood of ducklings who have fallen through a storm drain." At least I don't think you do. That sure seems like a weird thing to say. And how would you even go about fulfilling that promise? Even if you visited every single storm drain in your town, you'd have to be extremely lucky to find one that had a bunch of baby ducks trapped inside it. Unless maybe you're the one that put them there, in which case I don't think you could accurately be labelled a hero. You're probably a psychopath or a budding serial killer.

Not that I think the guy in this video above is a psychopath or a serial killer or anything. I think he just so happened upon a storm drain full of trapped ducklings and he reacted. Like an actual hero would. He probably had no idea that he would be called upon to act heroically that day. Which I guess was kind of my point to begin with.

The pressing question of "What would happened if Apollo Creed had a son?" is finally answered.

Instead of making Rocky VII: Rocky vs. ISIS, Sylvester Stallone has decided to put his famous boxing franchise in new hands with the upcoming Rocky spinoff, Creed. Creed tells the story of Adonis Creed, the son of Rocky's deceased opponent-turned-friend, Apollo Creed. Michael B. Jordan stars in the titular role. The film will be directed by Ryan Coogler, who previously collaborated with Jordan on Fruitvale Station. Judging by some of the soundbites from the trailer, it looks like standard inspirational sports movie fare:

I've been fighting my whole life. It's not a choice for me.

It ain't about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit.

*Rocky makes Creed face a mirror* You see that guy here? That's the toughest opponent you're ever going to have to face.

Stallone reprises his role as Rocky Balboa, who will guide the young Creed through his journey to success. That's a pretty bold move if you think about it. The creator of the franchise is playing a wizened old mentor within the franchise. Expect a bunch of nods to the old movie and a joke or two about Stallone's age. Jordan is also playing the Human Torch in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot, so let's pray that this leads to some sort of Fantastic Four/Rocky crossover.