I'd wait in line to make fun of you for waiting in line to buy the new iPhone.

September 20, 2013, 7:45 am

≫ Next: Mom, thanks for passive-aggressively helping me become a better person.

≪ Previous: I really need to find a hobby at work.

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Mom, thanks for passive-aggressively helping me become a better person.

September 20, 2013, 8:08 am

≫ Next: Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

≪ Previous: I'd wait in line to make fun of you for waiting in line to buy the new iPhone.

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Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

September 20, 2013, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Thank god my job offers mental health benefits so I can talk to a therapist about my job destroying my will to live.

≪ Previous: Mom, thanks for passive-aggressively helping me become a better person.

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Thank god my job offers mental health benefits so I can talk to a therapist about my job destroying my will to live.

September 20, 2013, 8:43 am

≫ Next: Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

≪ Previous: Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

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Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

September 20, 2013, 8:45 am

≫ Next: I want to probe you as deeply and passionately as if you were my new iPhone.

≪ Previous: Thank god my job offers mental health benefits so I can talk to a therapist about my job destroying my will to live.

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I want to probe you as deeply and passionately as if you were my new iPhone.

September 20, 2013, 9:24 am

≫ Next: I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

≪ Previous: Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

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I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

September 20, 2013, 9:36 am

≫ Next: It's amazing that people with enough free time to wait in line for the new iPhone can afford a new iPhone.

≪ Previous: I want to probe you as deeply and passionately as if you were my new iPhone.

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It's amazing that people with enough free time to wait in line for the new iPhone can afford a new iPhone.

September 20, 2013, 9:58 am

≫ Next: Spending hundreds of dollars on a marginally different iPhone still isn't the worst decision I'll make this weekend.

≪ Previous: I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

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Spending hundreds of dollars on a marginally different iPhone still isn't the worst decision I'll make this weekend.

September 20, 2013, 10:29 am

≫ Next: I wish the iPhone hadn't destroyed my attention span to the point that I don't have the patience to wait in line for the new iPhone.

≪ Previous: It's amazing that people with enough free time to wait in line for the new iPhone can afford a new iPhone.

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I wish the iPhone hadn't destroyed my attention span to the point that I don't have the patience to wait in line for the new iPhone.

September 20, 2013, 10:35 am

≫ Next: Good luck deciding which color iPhone best matches your desperate need for attention.

≪ Previous: Spending hundreds of dollars on a marginally different iPhone still isn't the worst decision I'll make this weekend.

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Good luck deciding which color iPhone best matches your desperate need for attention.

September 20, 2013, 10:41 am

≫ Next: I'd like to be one of the unhealthy things you put inside your body this weekend.

≪ Previous: I wish the iPhone hadn't destroyed my attention span to the point that I don't have the patience to wait in line for the new iPhone.

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I'd like to be one of the unhealthy things you put inside your body this weekend.

September 20, 2013, 10:45 am

≫ Next: Let's spend some quality time together complaining about the rest of the family.

≪ Previous: Good luck deciding which color iPhone best matches your desperate need for attention.

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Let's spend some quality time together complaining about the rest of the family.

September 20, 2013, 11:01 am

≫ Next: You'd be my first call from my new iPhone if either of us had the social skills to talk on a phone anymore.

≪ Previous: I'd like to be one of the unhealthy things you put inside your body this weekend.

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You'd be my first call from my new iPhone if either of us had the social skills to talk on a phone anymore.

September 20, 2013, 11:09 am

≫ Next: 5 honest lock-screen backgrounds for your new iPhone or your old piece of crap.

≪ Previous: Let's spend some quality time together complaining about the rest of the family.

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5 honest lock-screen backgrounds for your new iPhone or your old piece of crap.

September 20, 2013, 11:31 am

≫ Next: The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

≪ Previous: You'd be my first call from my new iPhone if either of us had the social skills to talk on a phone anymore.

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Use these 5 iPhone lock screens to let people know you're better than them. Just save the image to your camera roll then go to "Settings" and "Wallpapers & Brightness." You're welcome!

See them all >>

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The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

September 20, 2013, 4:38 pm

≫ Next: Happy birthday to you and your newest chin.

≪ Previous: 5 honest lock-screen backgrounds for your new iPhone or your old piece of crap.

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Happy birthday to you and your newest chin.

September 21, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I'm watching Sunday's awards show live because my DVR is too full of the nominated programs.

≪ Previous: The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

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I'm watching Sunday's awards show live because my DVR is too full of the nominated programs.

September 21, 2013, 10:42 am

≫ Next: I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to you and your newest chin.

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I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.

November 11, 2013, 9:21 am

≫ Next: Stock photos combined with stupid Yahoo questions. The results are remarkable.

≪ Previous: I'm watching Sunday's awards show live because my DVR is too full of the nominated programs.

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Stock photos combined with stupid Yahoo questions. The results are remarkable.

November 11, 2013, 11:59 am

≫ Next: Miley Cyrus is what would happen if a selfie came to life.

≪ Previous: I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.

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