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Guess who said beautiful women aren't funny? Did you guess it was a man? It was a man.

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Here is Michael Eisner, the former Disney CEO/current troll who doesn't think beautiful women can be humorous.


He embodies both beauty and wit.(via Getty)

At the Aspen Ideas Festival on Thursday, Michael Eisner was on stage speaking to Goldie Hawn and said the following:

“From my position, the hardest artist to find is a beautiful, funny woman. By far. They usually—boy am I going to get in trouble, I know this goes online—but usually, unbelievably beautiful women, you being an exception, are not funny."

He was smart enough to realize he'd get in trouble for it, yet profoundly moronic enough to say it anyway. And yes, Mr. This-Goes-Online, you are in trouble. You are also really difficult to look at, and I would like to apologize to everyone reading this article that I included a picture of your face.

I'm not going to spend any time raging at this silly man and his silly man thoughts. Instead, here are what people have tweeted in response to Michael Eisner's garbage pail opinion about women:







An 11-year-old uses a bow and arrow to remove her tooth.

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Getting validation from your parents was way easier before the Internet.


"Playing with my kid is more fun than playing Xbox!" (via Caters TV/YouTube)

Remember the classic fishing-line-and-door-knob method for extracting a loose baby tooth? Well Jason McDonald of Aurora, Colorado has a vision for a different method, one that involves a slingbow. Instead of testing his product out on a deserving subject (such as himself), however, he chose to test it out on his 11-year-old daughter, Alexis. Everyone is commenting on how brave she is, and yes, she is certainly way more stoic about the whole thing than I would've been as an 11-year-old, but still, is this test of bravery really necessary in the first place? Doesn't the fact that her parents set this up and posted the video online feel kind of weird? At the top of the video, her dad describes the extraction tool as a "badass slingbow" and tells his daughter to "go ahead and shoot [her] tooth out of her face."


Alternate video title: "Grown Man Still Plays with Slingbow" (via Caters TV/YouTube)


"We'll love you once you go viral, honey." (via Caters TV/YouTube)

At the end of the video he also comments, "It came out." So he was aware that there was a chance that it could not have come out? What would have happened to her face if it didn't?

Save up that tooth fairy money, Alexis. One day you will be free.

A guy was arrested for flying through the air with a balloon-powered lawn chair.

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If you think about it, he was getting high.

While all of the United States was celebrating it's independence by blowing stuff up over the weekend, one of our neighbors north of the border was busy showing the world what an oppressive, independence-hating police state Canada actually is.

Daniel Boria, a 26-year-old resident of Calgary, was taken into police custody Sunday for simply attaching 100-plus helium balloons to a $10 lawn chair and flying over his home city in inexpensive luxury.

The police nabbed him yesterday after he parachuted down a few miles (or "kilometers") from the Calgary Stampede, an annual rodeo and festival that was his intended target before the wind decided against playing along with him. He was charged with "mischief causing danger to life" and released this morning.

The flying balloon throne currently remains at large. "We're in the midst of tracking that down," a friend of Boria's told CBC.

A dog, a hamster and 8 birds are in love and it's almost too much. Almost.

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An Imgur user posted a bunch of photos of a dog and its hamster and bird friends playing. It's nuts.


Your body is a wonderland.(via Imgur)

These photos are so cute, I can't help but wonder... is it real? Or more specifically... are these animals dead?


NO NO NO NO NO.(via Imgur)

Since I want to believe the world is a good place, I am also going to believe that birds take naps on their backs and just enjoy the rest of these photos. As should you!


"Oh, hamster, the times we've had."(via Imgur)


Your moment of zen.(via Imgur)


Only true friends will share a towel with you.(via Imgur)


Or do a pit check.(via Imgur)


They sleep on pictures of themselves, like kings of olde.(via Imgur)


But, seriously, please let them not be dead.(via Imgur)

I offered a date on Craigslist for help with 40 lbs of laundry and it opened up a can of worms.

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Here is the ad I posted on Craigslist asking for someone to help with my laundry in exchange for a date:

Full text:

I don't know how it happened. I mean, I always wait as long as humanly possible to do my laundry. I wait until I've worn all my bikini bottoms because I ran out of underwear. I wait until I have no socks left and must wrap my feet in old t-shirts. But this time it sort of got out of control. I started buying new clothing and adding it to the growing mountain of laundry. It has taken over my room, and I fear that if it goes on any longer I may have to just abandon everything and move into the subway with the mole people.
BUT WAIT: I've made progress. I put all my laundry into ten giant laundry bags, each weighing about 40 lbs.
THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN: The bags are too heavy. I can't carry them myself down the stairs of my 5th floor walk-up and to my laundromat that's two blocks away. If you come to my apartment and carry the bags to the laundromat I will grant you one date.
ABOUT ME: I am an adult woman who friends describe as "cute," most of whom do NOT know about my horrible laundry problem, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Please help me do my laundry so I don't have to live the rest of my life beneath the surface of this fine city. Tell me why I should pick you for a date!

I also added these tags so my prospective matches knew more about me:

Between the whole damsel-in-distress idea, paired with the gross aspect of dirty laundry, I figured I'd get some juicy (sorry) responses. I received over 100 replies in the first hour, but then my ad got flagged and removed from Craigslist. There isn't really a way to contact Craiglist directly, so alas, I may never know what I did that was so offensive in this ad. All I know is the responses I received were far more offensive than anything in my desperate cry for help doing my laundry.

Here are the responses I got:

Getting called little girl? (Shudders)


This guy missed the point, I want to CLEAN my laundry, not get it dirty.


Honest question about what a date means.


Nope. Just nope. To the request AND the emojis.


An SUV would be really helpful.



But a pickup truck is even better!


He was not impressed with my offer.


If he says he's sane, he must be sane.


Am I worth it?


The soap expert.


Uh oh. Here comes a big one.


No thank you for so many reasons.


Perfect use of emojis.


The response wasn't so bad, but the pictures were quite revealing. I'm more offended by the waterfall than the dick pics.


Finally, someone got right to the point.

Son of maintenance man finds holy grail of video game consoles (and a fortune) in the attic.

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It's like glimpsing into a world that could have been.


"I am the ghost of Christmases-That-Never-Happened Past. Specifically, the Christmas of 1991." (via reddit)

Behold, the Nintendo PlayStation. You read that right. The Nintendo PlayStation. Well, it could also have been the SNES-CD, but you get the point. Instead of being rivals, Nintendo and Sony almost teamed up to revolutionize the video game industry before the then-dominant Nintendo arrogantly let the deal fall apart. In 1994, the Sony PlayStation debuted and took over the industry, and Nintendo has never again held the #1 slot. Only 200 prototypes of this system were made, and all were thought to have been destroyed. (The prototypes were made by Sony, which is why their name is all over it despite being a joint venture.) That is, until this system was discovered by Dan Diebold in the attic of his father, Terry Diebold, a former maintenance man for the Advanta Corporation—a bank holding company that went under in the Great Recession.

The last CEO of Advanta was Olaf Olafsson, a former Sony Entertainment executive. Olaf Olafsson had apparently been toting around this priceless piece of machinery since 1991. When Advanta went bankrupt in 2009, Dan Diebold told Polygon, the company "ordered my dad to throw a bunch of shit out." Terry Diebold, however, is apparently a bit of a packrat. "He kept a bunch of stuff from there. My dad has tons of old systems and shit. He keeps everything."


This is what traveling through time and causing alternate universes must feel like.
(via reddit)

Dan posted these pics and this video to Reddit, and the reaction there was...strong. In between drooling nerdgasms, they mainly wanted him to avoid ruining it by plugging it into the wall without a specially-adapted cord (currently, he does not have the original cord, so if he's not careful he might fry it). Others are drooling over how much money he could make (and messaging him to try and buy it), whereas some feel very strongly that:

Dan and Terry Diebold will probably try to find a buyer for it. As Dan says, "I'm sure my dad would think about selling it because he's pretty broke." That seems like a good reason. He could probably make a lot of money. How much money?

A LOT OF MONEY.


THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL PRICE.(via)

Back in January, I wrote about an eBay auction for a copy of the NES game Stadium Events, the most expensive video game collector's item out there. It goes for about 40 grand a pop. And that's a game. A game where multiple copies (but very few) are known to exist. This is the only known Nintendo PlayStation. In the world. At all.


IT'S A SUPERDISC, SUPERDISC, IT'S SUPER DISCY.(via reddit)

Granted, there are no games to play on it (except for the unmarked demo cartridge you see in the picture, and a CD that Diebold assures us is in the attic somewhere), but there's no way this doesn't go for at least as much, if not more. Maybe Nintendo would want to buy it back to feature it in their gaming museum in Rockefeller Center. Probably not, though, since it represents the time they gave up their leadership of the industry.

Some more backstory.


The greatest mystery to hit Reddit since the safe. (via reddit)

In 1988, Nintendo approached a Sony engineer named Ken Kutaragi, who (without really consulting his superiors) agreed to design a 16-bit sound chip for the SNES. Sony executives were initially pissed at Kutagari who signed a deal with Nintendo, but a) they thought he was really smart, and b) figured it would be easier to enter the video game market with the cooperation of the dominant company in the industry rather than enter as a total newcomer. In 1991, Kutagari again went rogue and started a project with Nintendo to design game technology based on then-new compact discs (CDs, kids...sigh, they're like DVDs but worse...and DVDs are like Blu-Rays but...nevermind). The project was called PlayStation. Again, Sony execs went along.

Then, at the 1991 Consumer Electronics Show, Nintendo humiliated Sony by publicly (and without warning) announcing that they would team up with Philips to create a new CD-based system. They thought Philips had a superior technology, the CD-i. If you've heard of that technology, it's probably because you read about it in some article about the biggest technology flops of all time. The Philips CD-i system is mostly remembered for its legacy of almost ruining The Legend of Zelda with the god-awful cartoon version Nintendo stupidly licensed to Philips. Making awful decisions was kind of Nintendo's "thing" in the mid-90s.

The furious Sony team went on to create the PlayStation, which debuted in 1994. The advantages of discs over cartridges were immediately apparent, even when Nintendo released the graphically superior Nintendo 64 in 1996. PlayStation games could have incredibly long plots by using multiple discs. This was one of the reasons, besides Nintendo's arrogance again, that role-playing game makers like Final Fantasy's Squaresoft abandoned Nintendo for Sony. Every Nintendo game had to be stored on the very limited cartridge memory, and thus also couldn't hold the "cinematic cutscenes" that, for better or worse, have been a staple of gaming since the PlayStation's debut.

So, what's the moral of the story?

1. Never throw out video games or video game systems.

2. Don't dick over your business partners.

3. Profit.

Donald Trump tweeted and then deleted something racist about Jeb Bush's wife.

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Trump showed a rare example of contrition when he took down this nasty tweet he had quoted.


Shots fired! Then sucked back into the gun.(Twitter via The Wrap)

It turns out that Donald Trump is more than just a racist, narcissistic blowhard with terrible hair. He's also a fickle retweeter. He'll retweet something on the spur of the moment because it appeals to his base desires, then take it down hours later when he realizes it can damage his nonexistent credibility.

On July 4th, Trump quoted a tweet from user @RobHeilbron, who wrote "#JebBush has to like Mexican Illegals because of his wife." Heilbron was referring to Bush's wife Columba, a legal immigrant from Mexico. Let me stress that part: LEGAL. Not that a distinction like that ever bothered Trump – he's still bugging Obama about being an illegal immigrant. I think he doesn't realize Hawaii is a state.

Trump kept the quoted tweet up for 24 hours before he deleted it. Of course, that was more than enough time for it to be screenshotted and preserved for all time. Will this glaring example of a racist double standard finally bring the tinsel-topped tycoon down?

No. He's already done a million things more embarrassing than this, and he's still in second place among Republican candidates. The only person beating him is Jeb Bush, probably because his legal immigrant wife is so charming.

This guy didn't want to pay for student housing, so he built himself a tiny house.

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Before going into his third year at the University of Texas in Austin, Joel Weber didn't feel like spending $800 a month on a gross, barely livable student apartment. So, he took a year off from school and built his own house: a luxurious, 145 square-foot house.


"Hi, I'm Joel, and this is MTV's Tiny Cribs." (Via Metro)

Weber designed the house himself, and with $20,000 culled from his own savings and donations from people in and around Austin, he built a house the size of a Manhattan apartment, but far more luxurious and more affordable (because it's rent-free).

It's necessarily very space-efficient. Weber's house features two loft beds, a shower, and a pretty nice kitchen. The house is wired for electricity and has full plumbing.


"This is where the magic happens. And also where I make tea." (Via Metro)

Sure, he did spend $20,000, which is a lot more than $800, but consider that, unlike you post-graduation, he has a place to live if he needs one. Or he can sell it.


Don't do a news report with a sheep unless you want it to do its sheep thing all over you.

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Conor Macauley of 'BBC Newsline' was reporting on a lamb named Button when Button popped.

This news blooper might not contain any f-bombs, c-bombs, or f-s-bombs, but it will still go down as one of the all-time classics. Here are just a few of its winning elements:

1. A pastoral scene complete with adorable livestock.
2. A reporter with a pleasant accent.
3. A lamb named Button.
4. The softly chuckling crew behind the camera.
5. The fact that the reporter and the lamb both smile through the awkwardness.
6. PEEEEE!

I consider my point proven. File this clip under "Great News Bloopers" in the Library of Congress.

Man will be remembered for his unfortunately hilarious last words.

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An unfortunate lesson in hubris.


Respect the waters. (via KFDM/CNN)

Not so long ago, our entire existence was devoted to surviving harsh environments and deadly predators. In 2015, we like to pretend like we're past all of that with our fancy skyscrapers and computer phones, but as human beings, we will always be animals at the mercy of mother nature. Every year, you hear about people disregarding instructions at wildlife reserves or national parks and meeting a tragic end as a result. On Saturday, a Texas man was the latest example of this unfortunate trend.

Tommie Woodward was a 28-year-old St. Louis resident who had recently moved to Texas to work at a shipyard. He was partying at a local marina Thursday night, and come Friday morning, he decided to go for a swim. There were warning signs that said "No Swimming Alligators" and a marina employee shouted warnings at him. Woodward didn't listen, though. He removed his shirt and billfold, said "Fuck the alligators," and jumped in with an unidentified female companion. Seconds later, he was screaming for help.


Tommie Woodward. (via Facebook)

Woodward's body was found hours after the attack later. It was the first recorded fatal alligator attack in the state. The marina employees had put up the warning signs after a 10-foot-long alligator was spotted a few days earlier. It's unclear whether it was the same 10-foot-alligator that attacked him. His female companion appears to have survived.

Hopefully this serves as a reminder to listen to nature experts when you're in unfamiliar territory.

Here's why you should not set off a fireworks mortar shell in your garage.

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Believe it or not, this is a bad idea.

Here's a pretty useful lifehack: do not set off fireworks mortar shells inside your house. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but please take my word for this.

Hey, I understand your predicament—you want to set off a terribly dangerous explosive device, but you're not currently in the relative safety of the outdoors. What are you gonna do in a situation like that? The answer to that question is: stop moving the lighter in the direction of the mortar shell fuse, and go outside.

Another, possibly more useful, lifehack: do not set off a fireworks mortar shell on your head.

Amazon vows "bigger than Black Friday" anniversary deals for customers, living hell for workers.

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Amazon will celebrate its 20th birthday with deep discounts on crap no one needs, thanks to countless underpaid workers.


Amazon.com: a beautiful place to work!(via Getty)

On July 15th, Amazon celebrates 20 years of online shopping. To celebrate, the biggest box retailer is celebrating "Prime Day," a sale set to rival Black Friday. That is, apparently, a good thing?

The so-called “global shopping event" will only be available to Prime customers in the United States, the United Kingdom, Spain, Japan, Italy, Germany, France, Canada, and Austria. There will be flurries of deals every 10 minutes! Hooray!

Except, before you celebrate and fill your house with more plastic, let's take a closer look at how a monstrously-sized business like Amazon is able to offer huge discounts on popular products that still make it to your house in a day or two.

To start, just working for Amazon day-to-day is like working inside some kind of psychological torture test. Shifts are 10 hours long, all on your feet. This is in a warehouse that can be as big as 12 city blocks.

Then, they must go through metal detectors when entering and leaving the warehouse floor. When lunch is called, it can take a long time for all the fulfillment workers to be scanned through. The unlucky ones might wait 10 or 20 minutes just to go eat, and Amazon does not have to pay them for waiting. “It was a war zone trying to get enough time to heat your food and then get out without being run over," says one former Amazon employee. “You would see people fight. The smartest thing to do was to pack something that doesn't need microwaving, because that was killer."

The job of a fulfillment workers, or "pickers," sounds impossible. Pickers have an electronic device that will automatically give the workers an order that needs to be filled, as well as a ticking clock. If the picker doesn't scan all the items on the order before time is up, then there is less time for the next order. Adding to the confusion is Amazon's chaotic storage system. Unsold times are automatically assigned to any open shelf in the warehouse, regardless of what's nearby. It's like trying to shop in a Target that's 10 times bigger than a regular Target with shelves set to shuffle mode.

In order to get purchases out the door, men and women of all ages are running around an entire neighborhood on foot at basically 2 miles per hour for 10 hours a day with an hour-long Thunderdome break in the cafeteria. Then on top of that, they have group exercise twice a day. Wow, that's a Nope with a double-scoop of Fuck You.


"Hey, after I finish my 150th order of the day, lets do 100 jumping jacks."(via Getty)

For this feat of employment endurance, these hard-working folks are only paid $11.00/hour. That's roughly $26,000/year to make sure you the world gets wine stoppers and Warren Moon Fatheads and Pokémon cards within 24 hours of ordering.

If you're one of those people who confront uncomfortable truths with deflections like, "Well, they should feel lucky to have a job," or "They should worker harder to get better jobs," or "If I had to work that one awful job setting up above-ground pools for one summer, they can put up with their crappy existences so I can get free shipping on this skeleton-shaped incense holder and Hitachi Magic Wand," then, please please please, get a life.

Other jobs being available (I guess?) doesn't automatically fix the fact that a billion dollar company like Amazon treats its current workforce with sub-human regard. It is also impossible to side with Amazon when Jeff Bezos loses 6 billion in 2014 and is still worth 30 billion dollars. That's like helping your friend move for pizza and beer, but your friend is comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

Convenience comes at a cost, and the reality is that all those USB drives and non-transforming Transformer toys and whatever else Amazon is going to flog on you this Prime Day, remember that some poor retiree in Chattanooga is going to get your order done right just as soon as she's done being stabbed over a microwave hamburger.

The new Oreo has been unveiled.

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Nabisco took on the Herculean task of making Oreos seem fancy.


Why does this feel like it's a phone commercial? (via Oreo)

We all know that Oreohasnoshame when it comes to inventing new products. This time, however, their cookie scientists decided to turn things down a notch and focus on fundamentals. As opposed to tweaking regular Oreos, they created an entirely new type of Oreo, which has been christened the "Oreo Thin."


It's like an Oreo...but thinner. (via Oreo)

Even though it seems like a health initiative, Oreo has stated that it's more about making Oreo a "grown-up treat" that you can eat with a cup of tea or serve at a fancy dinner party. Instead of giving the regular Oreo a monocle or teaching it to speak in a British accent, they've slimmed it down to look more elegant but have also ensured that it has the same "creme to cookie ratio." Is this a new era for Oreo? Or is this going to be a failed attempt at marketing a children's products for adults? I feel like the Mitch Hedberg quote, "Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults" applies here. Oreo also has way too much faith in that idea that adults are afraid to buy regular Oreos. Or maybe that's just me...

Just in time for Shark Week, here are some sharks chowin' down on a whale.

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These sharks got caught on film eating a dead sperm whale right before Shark Week begins. Coincidence? I think not!

Sharks are SMART, guys — they know how to swim, they know how to bite, and they know how to make great career moves. That's why I call them "the savviest suckers in the sea," and that is (I assume) why these sharks off of Australia let themselves get filmed right before Shark Week. There are plenty of fish in the sea to eat*, but these smart sharks chose to eat this putrid, rotting sperm whale now, during the peak of international shark awareness. Because if there's two things I know about sharks, it's that they keep very detailed calendars, and that they have a Hollywood-starlet-level awareness of when they should be seen by paparazzi.

* BTW, the purpose of that Plenty of Fish site is to help find single people things to eat, right?

This one image is giving Hillary Clinton's campaign a Vermont-sized headache.

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It's not this one. It's below that.


Silly Hilly, babies can't vote.
(via @HillaryClinton& @BernieSanders)

Hillary Clinton is still (as of press time) the presumptive frontrunner for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. Until recently, she was basically also the only candidate. Your liberal friends on Facebook probably went through an Elizabeth Warren phase earlier this year, but unfortunately for them, Warren (unlike literally every registered Republican) didn't feel like it. In her place stands Bernie Sanders, the technically-not-a-Democrat Senator from Vermont. There's also Martin O'Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and governor of Maryland, but let's be honest—"Mayor of Baltimore" is even less of a resumé booster in 2015 than it was when The Wire was on. (There's also Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb and maybe Joe Biden but I don't have all day.) Sanders, the old white dude from a tiny state, is now the Great Lefty Hope. To the surprise of the Clintons, he seems to be gaining ground. One piece of ammunition in the Sanders camp's arsenal is this image, which despite literally being a spreadsheet, has been going viral intermittently over the past 3 months, showing Sanders's and Clinton's top donors:


Scroll down to see each side on its own.(via Digg)

Some things need to be said of this picture. First, many dyed-in-the-wool liberals will rush to point out that Hillary's list is full of "evil" corporations. Hillary Clinton was the senator from New York, and many of these corporations are either based there or have large operations there, so it's not like they don't have a legitimate interest in their senator. Vermont, where Sanders is from, is a very, very small state. New York City by itself has 13.4 times as many people.

Secondly, this is (as it clearly states) a list of donations since 1989. Now, this doesn't quite make sense since Hillary in 1989 was First Lady of Arkansas and not a candidate for anything, but the point being that it's a career-long summary of donations. 1989 was the year Sanders finished his mayoralty of Burlington, VT and launched a campaign for the House of Representatives, becoming the nation's only non-party-affiliated congressman when he took office in 1991. He caucuses with Democrats, however, because he's gotta caucus with someone.


I have to say, Bernie—you're a cheap date.(via OpenSecrets)

Since Hillary entered politics on her own in the 2000 race, however, it's probably fair to say she has raked in way more cash than Sanders ever has since '89. That's not even touching the amount the Clinton Global Initiative has raised. But, to be fair, New York is way more expensive than Vermont, and also she ran for President. And, as I mentioned, many of these big bad companies are either based in New York or have large operations there.


Corporations are people, my friends. Generous, generous people.(via OpenSecrets)

In addition to clearly being the unions' guy (which is a plus among liberals, not so much with the population at large), Sanders apparently has many more small donors than Clinton. This is a bad repeat (for Hillary) of the 2008 press around Barack Obama, who made a lot of hay out of being "the small-donor candidate." This isn't to say Sanders is winning. He's objectively not (right now). But he's no longer just a thought exercise, and Clinton has begun to move to the left in response. Will it be enough?

You should probably check a different website for that answer. Also, they'll be lying to you because they have no idea.


Dangerous bite.

This cringe-worthy rap video proves that government should never, ever try to be cool.

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This rap video created by UK's Department of Work and Pensions has the same level of cool your D.A.R.E. officer had when he tried to pretend he was a drug dealer.

You might've seen this terribly awkward rap about pensions before — the UK Department for Work and Pensions originally released it in 2013. It's laughably uncomfortable. But what's notable now is that the DWP apparently thought it was so good, they re-released it today in conjunction with a new awareness campaign. That's right — not only did they make it in the first place, but two years later, they're like, "Yeah, this is still super awesome."

Why do companies and government organizations still think that creating raps is a good idea? It's as if they don't know any real young people, but think that the following statements are totally true:

1. Young people love rap music.

2. Young people love watching videos on the internet.

3. Making a rap video with the information we need to get across is the best way to connect with young people, who will definitely think we're way cool.

It's totally working guys. In fact, when Jay-Z heard this hot rhyme, he said that he had to dedicate his entire next album to pensions because this video was just that awesome.

Office shark.

A writer overheard a hilariously awful first date, so of course she live-tweeted it.

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Blogger Anne Thériault was at a cafe when she noticed two people on perhaps the worst first date ever and recorded it for posterity.


Photo is a dramatization.(via Thinkstock)

Most people have been on at least one terrible date in their lives. Unless you married the first person you ever dated and everything is perfect. Good for you. Or maybe you've never been on a date, ever? Get out there! You deserve a terrible first date experience of your own to cherish and then hopefully, a great date that leads to happily-ever-after.

But be warned... bad dates happen to good people. Here's one, live-tweeted for your snarky pleasure. The people on the date remain anonymous, but at least one of them has a passing resemblance to James Franco.

He's probably TOO SMART. The rest of us are just shadow puppets who can't see the world as it truly is because we're sheep. We're sheep puppets with eyes that don't see because we're shadows!

People tell me I look like if Geena Davis and Sofia Vergara had a baby and Beyoncé was its fairy godmother who blessed it with her goddess wand.

Fair question, the man is a writer and he needs a girl who "gets him."

First time I've identified with this dude, good coffee is important.

My friend who's a fireman says I'm even better at putting out fires than him. He just wishes I'd stop starting them!

Both men and women should bring up wanting or not wanting children on the first date every time.

I hope it's a happy story, where a nerdy, introspective guy who sees the world just a little differently gets the girl, who we know nothing about except she's pretty. Now, that's a movie I've never seen.

Today in Celebrity Butt News: Justin Bieber just Instagrammed his naked body.

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What a week for celebrity butts!



Look
A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

It's the one-week anniversary of thattime Marc Jacobs accidentally posted a picture of his bare ass on Instagram. You might have been wondering, "What is the proper way to celebrate this occasion that both honors the original post and moves the concept forward?" The answer: by looking at this photo Justin Bieber posted.

In a novel take on celebrity naked Instagram posts, this was not an accident and has not since been deleted. It is a purposeful post of a naked Justin Bieber, standing on a boat in the deep blue sea, pointing at a beautiful ocean mountain or something (I'm not a geologist, I'm an Instagram Butt Writer). The caption says "Look," which can be assumed to have a double meaning. If you think about it very deeply, I think you will eventually come to understand the two different things it's referring to. Note the deliberate lack of punctuation, which adds deeper complexity and ambiguity to the descriptive phrase. The viewer understands: there are many ways to "look."



Bieber VS Rihanna
A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


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