Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Article 33


Web's newest hoax site scores second big hit, convinces NBC and others a woman's ass exploded.

0
0

NBC 4 San Antonio, Cosmopolitan, UPROXX and BroBible. What do they have in common? They bought this story about a woman's exploding butt implants.


See the logo on the left? It's just as fake as the butt on the right. (via Newswatch33)

The story reads like a judgmental elderly person's poetry journal, an elegant wish-fulfillment epic of how justice was served to someone who literally embodied every way society has become vain and superficial:


A woman is in a coma after her butt implants exploded while doing squats at a gym.
Serena Beuford, 27, was working out for an Instagram video when she heard a loud pop.
Soon after, she fell to the floor screaming in agony... saying that her butt was gone.
According to Beuford's sister Jackie, Serena had visited an unlicensed clinic to get a 64-inch bottom.
She said her sister wanted to become famous on Instagram.
That clinic is now under investigation.
Doctors said Beuford will require extensive medical procedures to repair the damage caused by the implants. The eruption of her implants caused severe damage to her rectum, colon, and lower intestines.
The doctor treating Beuford said implants are not healthy for the body and are not meant to last long. (From News4SanAntonio)

*Snap snap snap* Dig it, daddy-o. Versions that included the direct quote from "an eyewitness" named "Jewel" were even more evocative and titillating:


...a patron at the gym, Jewel, said this is what happened: "I heard a loud popping noise followed by the woman falling to the floor. She was screaming my ass is gone! I had no idea what she was talking about until I saw her cushion like butt missing when EMS took her out the gym. She used to always show off her butt in the gym and tried to get guys attention with her work outs." (from Cosmopolitan)

Sadly for everyone who was ready to declare that Serena Beuford got what she deserved (massive internal damage, apparently), she doesn't exist. The image in the photo comes from the now-defunct Twitter account of "Mega Huge Fake Booty" personality @elnaz1985.

As for the story, it came from the Web's hottest new source of bullshit, Newswatch33. The online tabloid scored its first major "scoop" (what do you call breaking a lie?) a few weeks ago when they spread the rumor that Jay-Z and Beyoncé would buy the rights to the Confederate Flag to prevent anyone else from using it. You probably saw that one float by on your Feed, either by some gullible outraged conservative or some gullible delighted liberal, or maybe a few days later by some self-satisfied "savvy" person who retweeted the fact that it was a hoax.


I've got to hand it to them, that's some next-level bullshit. (via NewsWatch33)

I can't get mad at Newswatch33 any more than I can get mad at the Weekly World News (R.I.P.) for creating BatBoy. It's like getting mad at a dog for eating food that drops on the floor. It's just their nature. When a legitimate news source gets duped, however, that I can mock.


(via UPROXX)

I will say that when I started writing this piece, only Cosmopolitan and NBC had the journalistic integrity to update their sites to reflect the fact that this story was fake. When it comes to butt stories, Cosmo has standards, and I respect that.


It will be a sad day in broland when BroBible runs out of assinine puns. (via BroBible)

There are two takeaways from this story. 1) Always look at the source of a story you see online. 2) Always be skeptical about a hilarious tale of exploding butts. I understand that exploding butt stories are hard to resist, but that's exactly why they're a favorite of hoaxers. Implants do sometimes fail, but it's a much, much rarer occurrence than it was a few decades ago. People who can afford implants can also afford lawyers, and the makers of shitty implants were sued out of existence. One of the side effects of that, however, is that now there's a massive black market for illegal implants. Usually, however, these con artists inject silicone directly into the tissue rather than use a scalpel (which requires actual training) to open up boobs or butts to insert a bag. Without a bag, an explosion can't happen. Gangrene or other infections, on the other hand... that can definitely make an ass fall off. Just not in any kind of funny way.

Article 31

Article 30

This video of a little kid jumping up to dance will be the best 15 seconds of your day unless you find $100 or something.

0
0

This is really going to perk you up, unless you're already riding high from stumbling upon a Benjamin.

When you thought you were done turning up but your song comes on

Posted by Torrey Smith on Sunday, July 12, 2015

Oh man, today's your lucky day. Either you found a hundred bucks in the street and there was no one around so you had every right to claim it or you're about to watch a really cute video from Torrey Smith of the San Francisco 49ers.

Seriously, when was the last time you heard music and were moved to dance with such joy and vigor? Can you remember when you were last so happy you jumped to your feet, fell down, got up again like nothing happened, and were still able to express your excitement via movement?

Unless you found $100 this morning, we're guessing you can't.

Article 28

This dad got caught wiling out at a teen boy-band concert, let him teach you how to party.

0
0

This is a great example of making the best of a bad situation.

The Vamps are a teen boy band, and you can see in this video that their audience is almost entirely pre-teen girls, stoic parents, and brow-beaten security guards. Then there's this one dad dancing his damn ass off. What's up with him?

One theory: he is actually the poster of this YouTube video, Andy Morris. The caption reads:

Check out this video I shot of someone's dad smashing the dance floor at The Vamps gig at Island Beats, Thorpe Park on the weekend.

But this is the only video "Andy Morris" has ever posted! There's also no definitive proof that this man is a dad. He is a man at a concert. He is, indeed, smashing the dance floor. However, there is no kid claiming him as Pop-Pop. That might be explained by the wild arm swinging and committed attempts to do The Robot. If this were my dad and I was still a pre-teen, I'd hide.

OR MAYBE THERE IS NO KID. The Truth is out there and so are middle-aged The Vamps fanboys.

New Yorkers will ignore anything, even a famous artist singing on the subway.

0
0

R&B singer Brandy disguised herself and began singing on a crowded train. The reaction she got might not surprise you.

Brandy (AKA Brandy Norwood, AKA Bran' Nu) has been in New York recently, making her Broadway debut as Roxie Hart in Chicago. There are still some things she hasn't gotten accustomed to, however – like the fact that everyone in New York lives in their own tiny bubble and is terrified of interacting with strangers.

So when she rode the subway with her friend Frank, who brought a camera, she didn't see anything unusual with belting out a few soulful bars. How did the strangers on the train react? They didn't.

In her blog post about the incident, Brandy seemed disappointed that she didn't make a bigger splash. She even wrote: "Can a Sistah get ONE fan?!"

What Brandy doesn't understand is that New Yorkers are used to ignoring much more intense performances than this on their daily commute. Breakdancers, Mariachi bands, manspreading contortionists… these are everyday occurences. A woman singing isn't going to distract them, no matter how talented she is. Her fame would have made her something of a novelty, but she was in disguise.


We found even more brides wearing hilariously horrible dresses.

0
0


She probably just chose this so she would be able to wear it to other events. (via)

Weddings are a special time to gather your friends and family together so they can make fun of the ugly dress you picked. Everyone holds their breath as the bride enters and parades down the aisle in her—what the f*ck fabric is that? Plastic garbage bag?—dress. You'll never forget this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to criticize someone you love and her excessive cleavage while she's too distracted to notice it. If you just can't wait for your next wedding invitation, check out these fantastically awful dresses to tide yourself over.

This dress is sold at your local bodega, because it's made out of toilet paper. (via)


The baby might have preferred to be a flower girl or something. (via)


The artist who designed this dress is known for his work on the Cheetos bag. (via)


She didn't feel comfortable showing her calves. (via)


They both look upset. (via)

Previous entries from 5/27/15:


I never want to see what the bridesmaids were wearing. (via)


Yeah we get it. Hearts. Love. You love him. (via)


All that extra fabric can get very expensive. (via)


In case you forgot why we're all gathered here today... (via)


He was a baker. She was a cream puff. The rest is history. (via)


You know when you go to a wedding and the bride is just trying to break a record? (via)


The arrow points to her shoes. What is she trying to tell us? (via)


This is clearly the expert tailoring of a party clown. (via)


Who needs a tent? (via)


Part wedding dress, part guide to a successful wedding night. (via)


The first dance was a bit awkward. (via)


We can still see you, Mama June. (via)


That divorce probably still cost less than the original dress.(via)


This is actually how they always dress. (via)


Introducing the wedding snuggie. (via)


She had to eat a lot of cake to fit into this dress. (via)


Or don't even wear a dress, because we'll just make fun of you anyway. (via)

Oklahoma GOP under fire for FB post about welfare that sounds like it was written by a FB commenter.

0
0

Leave the animal metaphors to George Orwell.

They quickly issued a half-assed apology, of course. (via Oklahoma Republican Party Facebook)

Regardless of what side of the political spectrum you fall on, most sane people agree that the poor shouldn't go hungry. What makes welfare a contentious issue amongst politicians, however, is the question of how exactly the government should spend its money to ensure this. Democrats perceive Republicans as stingy, while Republicans perceive Democrats as wasteful. It's a volatile debate, but a debate that needs to be had nonetheless. The social media manager for the Oklahoma Republican Party recently went a bit too far with his stance in a recent post, however, and compared welfare recipients to animals. The post, which was deleted but not before being screen-shotted, contained the following message:

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson in irony #‎OKGOP

Eeeeekkk. Yeah. It's pretty terrible. There's a way to make a point about dependency without talking about poor people like they're subhuman. It's not the first time such an argument has been made, however; the WashingtonPost pointed out that two differentsenators have made the same analogy in the past. A few hours later, the author of the post and Oklahoma Republican party chairman Randy Brogdon, offered an apology:

Last night, there was a post on our OKGOP Facebook page, and it was misinterpreted by many. I offer my apologies for those who were offended – that was not my intention.

This post was supposed to be an analogy that compared two situations illustrating the cycle of government dependency in America, not humans as animals.

However I do think that it's important to have conversations about government welfare programs since our dependency on government is at its highest level ever.

Quoting President Reagan, “We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added.”

As read in our Oklahoma Republican Statement of Principles, we believe that “free market principles are the best to stimulate our economic development rather than government subsidies or programs” and I was doing my best to echo that view.

Again, I apologize for any misconceptions that were created.

-Randy

Okay, it's good that he made the gesture of an apology, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit insincere. His use of passive-voice in phrases such as "[I]t was misinterpreted by many" and "I apologize for any misconceptions that were created" takes the blame off of him and places it on the audience. He's sorry that you were offended, not sorry that he made the statement. But then again, maybe I'm just another mindless talking head that's part of the socialism-loving lamestream media.

5 crazy stories behind some of the most popular words on Urban Dictionary.

0
0

"Could you please use the word in a sentence?... Sorry, I should specify I mean a coherent, logical sentence."


"Who defines the definitions?" (via Thinkstock)

Urban Dictionary contributors are weirdos. The website houses definitions for some of the most deranged sexual acts, most of which I'm sure don't actually exist (or if they do, I don't want to live in a world in which they exist). On top of that, even the most innocuous, everyday terms are often given a demented twist by the website's users. What I've always found the most entertaining about the site, however, is the examples people use when defining words. They are always so weird and random. Take an entry for smoking, for example. Pay attention to the back-and-forth between Ariel and Kayla:

Why do they jump off a bridge at the end? Can't they just say they're gonna go smoke and that's it? This is a prime example of why the examples are always so weird: They start off normal, and then some weird element is added to the scenario at the end. It's confusing. You gotta justify the bridge thing! Is it a small bridge that people jump off of recreationally? Did Kayla and Ariel have a suicide pact? I need to know up top.

I've taken it upon myself to fill in the blanks for some of the posts, just to clear things up a bit. I chose these randomly by going through a bunch of entries (which was traumatizing enough on its own), so they're a bit all over the place, but I generally tried to stick to ones that added weird, unnecessary details to what should be a straightforward scenario.

1. The KGB is a cockblocker.

The Soviet Union. 1967. We were in dark times. As I made my way through the streets of Moscow, I felt like I was being followed. Was it because I was involved in anti-Brezhnev activity? That's none of your business. I ducked into a little tavern to shake off my stalkers. Cigarette smoked filled the air as soft polka played on the jukebox. I ordered a vodka on ice and sat at the bar. It was closing time. The young people were deciding whether or not to go home alone. The dude and some fine-ass woman were gettin' their game on when KGB showed up fucked up and put his arms around them. He didn't even know he was being a cockblocker. I ducked out quickly, but it wasn't enough time. The bastards grabbed me and put me in their truck. As we drove away, I saw the city fading in the distance. Thus began my life as a political prisoner.


2. Guy 2 is way too into hot-boxing.

Guy 1 picks Guy 2 up.
Guy 1: Hey man.
Guy 2: OMG! Hey! What's up. I'm so happy to hang out with you tonight!
Guy 1: Yep...Me too...
Guy 1 puts on the radio.
Guy 2: I love this song! This song rules! We have the same taste in music; we're like twins!
Guy 1: I just put it on a random station...
Guy 2: Hooray!
They pull up to the movie theater.
Guy 1: Let's park behind the movie theater and hotbox this mofo.
Guy 2: Fuck yes. This is the funnest night ever!
Guy 1: What is wrong with you?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: Can you just chill? We're just smoking a little and going to watch a movie, it's not that big of a deal.
Guy 2: Oh, sorry.
Guy 1: It's fine, it's just kind of weird.
Guy 2: No, I know. I just don't have a lot of friends, so when you said you wanted to hang out, it was a really pleasant surprise. I was excited, that's all.
Guy 1: Oh, wow. I'm sorry, man. That's really deep. Thanks for sharing. I didn't mean to be an asshole.
Guy 2: Just kidding. I LOVE YOU!!! YIPEEE!


3. Species dysphoria is a very serious condition.

A jail cell.
Investigator: So what did they do again, officer?
Police Officer: They broke into the zoo and tried to live with the animals.
Investigator: Jesus. What did you say in your deposition?
Alyssa: I told the shrink that I feel like a wild animal trapped in a human body, and she said it sounds like classic species dysphoria.
Jacques: I know I was meant to be a dolphin. Why did I end up a sexy human instead? Species dysphoria sucks.
Jerry: If only I'd been born a bird, I wouldn't have to spend so much money on flying, parachuting, hang-gliding, sky-diving and base-jumping. Damned species dysphoria.
Investigator: Any chance you guys have heard of furries?
Jacques: Yes. (A pause.) Fuckin' weirdos.


4. Andrew always wanted to be a singer.


Me and Andrew work on a construction site.
Andrew: Did you listen to the new Coheed and Cambria album?
Me: Hell yeah!
Andrew: Man, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth is like the most Uber song.
Me: Yeah dude, Man your own jackhammer
Andrew: Man your battle stations
Me: You can't sing like Claudio Sanchez can.
Andrew: I know...

Me: What's wrong?
Andrew: Nothing.
Me: No, come on, tell me.
Andrew: Well, it's just that, you know, I really thought I'd be a singer one day, but then I got a job, and got married, and there's the kids, and the mortgage, and taking care of my parents. Life just kind of happened right before my eyes.
Me: Hey bud. It's never too late to follow your dreams.
Andrew: You think so?
Me: I know so.
I put my hands on Andrew's shoulder.
Andrew: Thanks.


5. Peter meows at people.

Therapist's office.
Vincent: Thanks for coming in again, Peter.
Peter: No problem.
Vincent: I think we've made a lot of progress in treating your species dysphoria.
Peter: Me too.
Vincent: You seem to be adjusting to being normal teenager on again.
Peter: Totally.
Vincent: So how was prom?
Peter: It was great!
Vincent: You dance with alotta girls?
Peter: No. Just went 'meow meow meow' the whole time.
Vincent: SMH

This gorilla is doing what we're all thinking.

0
0

Sometimes you love your friend, but they can get the f*ck outta your face.

Bob Pitchford was at the Bristol Zoo last week when he caught the pic above. Now, gorillas are known for their astounding intelligence and ability to communicate with through learned sign language. So, scientifically speaking, this is a gorilla who has been taught to flip the bird.

There will be people who say, "No, no, no. It's a coincidence!" And to them I say, "Why can't you let us enjoy this?"

For more context, here is a video that definitely features an altercation between two irritated gorillas in which one of them appears to give their pal the finger, and the other responds by throwing a rock at their head, eliciting giggles from the crowd. Whether that hand action meant anything to either of them or not, it is at least very funny to us humans.

Women take clown makeup contouring selfies, as if all contouring doesn't look like clown makeup.

0
0

History lesson: viral makeup videos have gotten very politically minded since #ThePowerOfMakeup.

Sometimes these videos are entertaining ways to illustrate the extreme pressure that women face about their appearance. And other times you end up watching a person throw a bunch of makeup on their face and then announce a societal statement.

In the case of the clown contouring craze (free mystery book title), I once again find myself greatly enjoying the various makeup looks, but not fully buying the empowerment angle.

The current fad seems to have started with Instagram user BellaDeLune, who posted this video:

In it, she uses contouring and highlighting creams to create a clown pattern on her face that also serves as contouring for a full makeup look. That's cool. I like watching a video of that. It's interesting. Because of the colors and the glamor. Ooohh, wow, shiny, pretty. But in terms of the politics, if anything, this makes me feel like I want to go spend all my rent money at Sephora to make my face look more cool and perfect.

The video's creator says that it's in response to those infamous makeup shamers. She writes, "Idk how many times Ive been called a clown. Well, I'll show you what a real payasa looks like." Obviously, people shouldn't tell women who wear makeup that they look like clowns or women who don't wear makeup that they're ugly. This is what we have learned from no-makeup selfies! But I'm not sure that conflict has quite been captured by the clown contouring community.

BelleDeLune also comments on the "poopy emoji" that she drew on the right side of her forehead, explaining, "It's just kind of to say that, you know what? Negativity could be around us all the time. But guess what? I could just literally blend it away." That might be a stretch, but I do appreciate that it's fun.

Here are more examples of clown contouring from BellaDeLune and others who have shared their looks. Please peruse them while I go bankrupt on foundation brushes.







A video posted by BellaDeLune (@belladelune) on






A photo posted by @qmin_magazine on







A photo posted by meriam talal (@meriam_khram) on







A video posted by Tabitha Glaze (@makeupbytg) on

A video posted by La Musu (@lamusu) on


Stay drunk forever with this animated map of when bars open and close in every state.

0
0

Redditor manychairs created this map to help everyone on Reddit drink their sorrows away.

View post on imgur.com

There's an old saying: if you know when the bars close, you might be an alcoholic. If you know when the bars open, you're definitely an alcoholic. That's not actually an old saying; I just made it up. But it feels right, doesn't it?

A redditor called manychairs created the gif based on information from StateLiquorLaws.com. It's not perfect – it doesn't account for certain urban areas where some of the bars close later, like Chicago. There's also at least one mistake – manychairs acknowledged in the comments thread that Texas is wrong. Last call there is actually 2 A.M.

Apologies to Texas. You guys are drunker than we gave you credit for.

How to give a f*ck even after you've totally run out.

0
0


Pictured: The author trying to remember where he left his remaining fuck.

1. Check to see if you still have shits to give.

Although not as valuable as a fuck, a shit is usually way more than most jobs, people, or tasks ever deserve to be given.

2. Find someone you're interested in fucking.

Tell them about your job, or whatever it is that requires the fucks you no longer possess. No matter how boring your job, or whatever other fucking activity is making a mockery of all the potential you were given at birth, being bad at it will make you seem like a less desirable mate. People like to fuck people who give a fuck about things. If you really want to fuck that person, evolution will lend you a few emergency fucks so that you can impress them. Caution: if you succeed in fucking them on the regular, you may stop giving a fuck about impressing them, and then all your fucks will run out.

3. Reward yourself with drugs and/or risky sex.

4. Remind yourself that it's still better than the addiction to drugs and risky sex you just overcame.

5. Try living as a homeless person for a night.

But don't be one of those smug fucks who writes a thinkpiece about it. This is just to check if you give enough of a fuck about food and shelter to keep doing your job. If you don't, proceed to step #10.

6. Get worked up about something you do give a fuck about, like politics.

Try to quickly transfer those fucks to your job. It's not like giving a fuck about politics will change anything, anyway.

7. Join Instagram.

People seem to give way too many fucks on there. Post butt selfies and try to harvest extra fucks. If that doesn't do the trick, try Tumblr at your own risk: there are unfathomable, even dangerous levels of fucks being given over anything.

8. Do your job sarcastically, openly showing that you don't give a fuck.

Try not to notice that no one can tell the difference. It's very depressing.

9. Eat some fruit. Maybe your blood sugar is low.

10. Take up a secret life of crime-fighting under a fake name at night. Note: Batman is taken as a name. Actually, don't give yourself a name. That's fucking stupid. Let the criminals give you a name out of fear. Soon, pursuing your growing list of underworld enemies (and staying two steps ahead of local law enforcement) will consume your every thought. The power and fear your new identity inspires among your city's underbelly is like heroin. You've never felt so good, and to your surprise you feel no remorse for the violence you dish out. Doing your job well now comes easily, because you need to maintain your cover. You give a fuck about maintaining the appearance of being a normal citizen, and that means doing your job well. The job itself? Who can even remember? It's just the license that gives you permission to go out and do what you do at night—beat thugs into a quivering pulp resembling a person, burbling out pleas for forgiveness that never comes. One night, you find your boss trying to cheat a prostitute out of her money. You let him walk with the promise that he give everyone in the company a raise. You doubt he'll ever discover your identity, but now you worry you may have to tie up this loose end and cross over into the criminal territory you've been battling...

11. Eh. Fuck it.


Susan Sarandon would like to smoke pot with A$AP Rocky... A$AP.

0
0

Susan Sarandon, famous for being our nation's foremost donut pundit, is killing it on Twitter lately.

Yesterday, Sarandon tweeted at rappers A$AP Rocky and Action Bronson about a verse on the song "1 Train." You can hear the lyrics in question at 4:30 in this video:

During Bronson's verse on the A$AP song, he raps, "You see us scrambling, selling Susan Sarandon/ The cloud of smoke like the phantom." In her tweet to both of them, Sarandon wrote, "Hey @asvpxrocky& @ActionBronson thx for the shout out on “1Train." Not sure what it means, but let's blaze one & talk about it some time."

Seems like she knows what it means.

24 things you should never, ever do on Tinder.

0
0

Even if you suck at dating in real life, you can still succeed at pretending to be someone desirable online.


Was this picture taken in 20 years ago? (via Team Jimmy Joe)

Are you not getting nearly as many matches on Tinder as the amount of right swipes you're throwing out there? Maybe it's not what you're doing, but how you're doing it. Maybe you chose the wrong photos. Maybe you're just hideous and nobody will ever love you. No matter what the reasons are, there are steps you can take to up your chances, and the first thing you should do is make sure you never, under any circumstances, do any of these things.


1. Food sells, and sex sells, but not together.


I love cheese, just not in this context. (via Imgur)


2. Tinder is a great place to meet people with weird fetishes, but make sure they are actually people.


"So uh, you into crumbs?" (via Team Jimmy Joe)


3. Humor is a great way to start a conversation, unless it backfires terribly.



She hasn't seen the movie... (via Imgur)

4. If you have a murder trial coming up, perhaps you should lay off the online dating scene for a bit.


Hey, looks like a nice enough guy. (via Imgur)


Ooop, no, nevermind. (via Imgur)


5. You should generally avoid all things Hitler-related.


How about just saying, "Hey, what's up?" instead? (via Imgur)


6. Make sure you're not confusing Tinder for Craigslist (even though they have similar creep populations).


Would you even want to live with someone who would respond to this? (via Imgur)

7. Don't use group photos, because they won't know which one you are. Oh, also don't use a picture you took of your children at the beach and you're not even in the thing.


(via)

8. Everything within you is going to want to incorporate corn dogs into your photo. Try to avoid corn dog-related photography at all costs.


(via)

9. If you're going to get right to the point, make sure your point isn't to come across like a camera guy from 'Girls Gone Wild.'


(via)

10. Believe it or not, women can be unimpressed with you even if they're not lesbians. If that upsets you, don't respond by talking like one of the Super Mario Bros.


(via)

11. Asking about religious beliefs will almost always limit your number of potential partners.


(via)

12. Never try to start a spontaneous roast battle. You'll win the battle, but your bed will lose the war.


(via)

13. Photoshopping your pictures can be very deceiving. Now she's going to be expecting a guy with a bracelet-covered arm coming out of his crotch, so you've already disappointed her.


(via)

14. At least give your match 15-20 minutes to respond to your terrible, awful garbage pickup line that is so terrible, it should go on your permanent record.


(via)

15. If your senses of humor don't line up, maybe just move on to the next one instead of turning into a human version of a Linkin Park song?


(via)

16. It may be tempting, but never swipe right without reading over their profile. It's shocking how many users have unintentionally matched with The Dark Lord and then got stuck in hours of monotonous messages about the Apocalypse and the ocean turning to blood.


(via)

17. When you're copying and pasting your robotic opening lines, make sure to update the name to whomever you're dazzling with your Mad Lib-style charm.


(via)

18. If you ramble on so long that you lost interest in your profile, odds are, so did your potential matches. Also why are you taking bullets for strangers?


(via)

19. Never bring attention to areas where you come up a little short.


(via)

20. Try to avoid using profile pictures that will haunt the nightmares of anyone who sees it for the rest of their lives. Most users list that as a major turn off.


(via)

21. No matter how horny you get, always try to remember the proper use of your and you're. Save a little of that blood flow for your brain.


(via)

22. Don't even open the app if you're hungry. You'll end up meeting someone that you think you want, but in the end they'll leave you sick, empty, and greasy.


(via)

23. Posting a pic with a celebrity almost always comes off tacky.


(via)

24. Everyone loves Monster Energy Drink and everyone loves naked guys slouched in a bathtub. Here's the thing that most people don't realize: combining those two elements can come off a bit unattractive.


(via)

Those fancy restaurant dipping sauces are stupid easy to make; here's how.

0
0

If the only reason you're going to that one gastropub is because of "OMG THE DIPPING SAUCES," you need to STOP.


"Weeeee love fry sauuuuuuuuce." No, you love mayo. Shut up. (via Thinkstock)

You guys, there are many delicious dipping sauces in the world. Sometimes restaurants will get five-star reviews just because of their panoply of dipping sauces. I'm not going to say these restaurant sauces aren't delicious, but I am going to say that if the only reason you're going to that overpriced, otherwise-mediocre burger place is because of their fry sauces, that's dumb. Most restaurant dipping sauces are super easy to make: you just put a bunch of things that taste good in a blender. And while you'll have your occasional Thai peanut sauce or whatever, the majority of the sauces you'll see have one of two bases: mayo or ketchup. Learn how to make them, and you can wow your friends like you're a goddamn food magician.

Mayo-base


Black bean burgers with sweet potato fries and spicy aioli and shut up, yes you can make it yourself. (via PrissaJeanBeauty on YouTube)

Aioli: It sounds exotic, and it tastes delicious. But aioli is basically just mayo in a sexy outfit. Seriously, like 70% of the dipping sauces you'll find at these restaurants are just mayo in a sequined bra.

There are two ways to approach a basic aioli — you can make it from scratch, or you can just use mayo as a shortcut. But it's really not much of a shortcut; either way, you're still just throwing stuff in a blender. Check out these two recipes:

From scratch: Basic Aioli

From the mayo container: Garlic aioli

After that, all you need to do to make those fancy flavored aiolis is stir things in. (If you cannot handle doing that, I do not know how you ever manage to feed yourself.) You can mix in things like pesto, cilantro, parsley, a little bit of truffle oil, coarse mustard, or gold flakes (if you're an asshat). Or, as you see in this video, hot sauce:

Ketchup-base

This infographic. Just look at it. That is all.


A thing of ketchup is a joy forever. (via Reddit)

Brangelina got food at Subway, because it turns out that stars eat sandwiches too.

0
0

Conspiracy theory: Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just waiting for Jared Fogle to leave Subway so they could eat there again?

Do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have dirt on Jared Fogle? Like, is there some sort of secret site for Hollywood Insiders that shares secrets about other Hollywood Insiders? (Don't try to tell me Jared Fogle isn't a Hollywood Insider; I saw him at the premiere party for Muppets Most Wanted. No, really.)

HOLD UP: I'm not trying to say that Brad and Angelina knew about a Fogle-child porn connection — remember, he's still just a suspect, not a definitely guilty guy. But maybe Brangelina had some other reason to dislike him that made them say "Man, I really like Subway sandwiches, but I will never eat one while that Jared fella is associated with the company!" Perhaps Jared told Brad at a Hollywood Insider Movie Premiere, "Hey, you were better with Jennifer Anniston," and Angelina was never able to let it go.

But now, you guys? Now Brad and Angie are free. Free to go to a Subway in Glendale, California with all of their kids and order two meatball subs, a teriyaki sub, and four kids meals.

Go forth and eat fresh, Brangelina. Eat fresh.

Confession

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images