Finally, an R&B video that answers the question: what if The Lonely Island guys weren't funny?

"Sexy Motha" // Hit RECord On TV"Because a woman with a child always drives me wild...."We collaborated with The Gregory Brothers on this Hit Record On TV music video for our episode 'RE: Your Mom.' It airs this Fri. at 10pm on Pivot.Thanks again <3J
Posted by Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Wednesday, July 15, 2015

It's a message we can all get behind: Moms are hot. I think we're all in agreement that most moms are sexy since it's a near biological necessity: you get pregnant from sex. There must be at least a few men out there who like having sex with women ready to bear children, otherwise how are so many people pregnant? This video's message is so needlessly redundant that I'm starting to wonder if the creators of this music video have ever had sex before. They seem to be trying too hard to convince us they actually have.

Even though we're all on the same page about this video's message, it's awful. They managed to take something we all love, and squeeze the fun out of it. The only good thing about the video is that I get to describe it using a word I rarely get to use: "tartingles" (It's the feeling of embarrassment you experience for another person). Watching this video is like watching a middle schooler do stand-up for the first time at a talent show and bombing in front of his extremely fuckable parents.

But wait. There's more. I think the terrible feeling I get from watching this video is because they're not just singing about how they want to be dads. They're singing about getting into a sort of Jerry Maguire situation where they can be friendly to single moms who already have kids. Again, totally fine, but the more I watch the video, the more I think they're being sarcastic. They all sat in a room and said "wouldn't it be funny if we thought moms were hot?" And they all laughed and laughed and then went home and banged some girl ten years younger who had no interest in children. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Even the extras dancing at the end of the video look like they don't want to be in it. That's how bad it is.

I hope you've enjoyed this rant. Please forget you ever saw the video, and go tell a mom she looks great...but not in a creepy way. Actually, just leave everyone alone. Bye.

Shame on you, Internet.

The guy in the bottom right is turning pinker than their dresses.(via Vimeo/Chair7 Films)

A bunch of bougie white people got together to celebrate a wedding, and the Internet went crazy. At the wedding reception of John Weaver and Caitlin Hallerman, Caitlin's two sisters and co-maids of honor gave their bridesmaids speech in the form of a 5-minute pop song mash-up. It's a cute, fun tune for their circle of friends, but for some reason it's going viral and literallyeverysinglewebsite is describing it as "epic."

The medley alters the lyrics of the Backstreet Boys, Michael Jackson, and Tracy Chapman to include Caitlin and John-specific trivia, which is really not funny unless you know them, and doesn't even properly fit in the meter of the verses—check your syllables counts, dudes. The song talks about their childhood, Caitlin meeting John at USC (of course they went to USC) through Greek life (of course they were in Greek life), and their falling in love. John laughs through the whole thing while Caitlin cry-laughs:

"I'm gonna go for a Macklemore look on my day of matrimony" (via Vimeo/Chair7 Films)

Here's a choice excerpt, to the tune of "Backstreet's Back":

Caitlin Hallerman
Got a boyfriend
He's Republican
Keeping to the right
To Caitlin's delight

At which point, everyone cheers:

Are those the villains from Wedding Crashers?! (via Vimeo/Chair7 Films)

You can also hear people murmuring in the background, "This is the best thing I've ever seen" and "This is going viral!" If I were there, I would've made fun of them for saying that before being proven horribly wrong the next day.

Can we also talk about how well-produced this video is? It was done by a real production company. Are they going to get David Fincher to direct their baby videos next? It's weird. It's like I'm watching a documentary that's been filmed like a movie. Whatever happened to your drunk uncle playing director with his dusty VHS camcorder?

I've flirted with the idea of moving down to SoCal before to escape the hustle and bustle of New York, but this video really justifies my friends' suggestions that I would hate it there. I mean seriously, not one person rolls their eyes or makes fun of them! Like a funeral, a wedding is no excuse for a lack of irony. Yeah, I should probably stay in New York.

Grande yelled at some fans in Tampa that the USA is the "greatest country in the world," but does that make up for #Donutgate?

There was a time when all anyone could talk or think about was when Ariana Grande licked a donut and said she hated America. That time was one week ago.

But since then, things have settled down. Not only have we started to move on and put the pieces of our lives back together, but we've also finally been able to imagine a life for ourselves that wasn't centered around wondering why Ariana Grande licked a donut and said she hated America, why she blamed it on fat kids, and why the police cared. This would be a different kind of life, one where we had dreams and hobbies and interests, and donuts had a happier connotation, like they did for our ancestors.

Ariana Grande is moving on, too. She released a genuine apology in which she said that mischievously licking a donut helped her grow. And now, she's emphasizing how much she really, truly, doesn't hate America by yelling out at her concerts, "I'm so, so grateful to be performing in the USA, the greatest country in the world!"

For him, it is always Monday, March 14, 2005.

The photo above is a reenactment of waking up everyday thinking you have to make it to a dentist's appointment.(via Thinkstock)

Amnesia is such a terrifying condition, yet we've made it look so glamorous in movies, or into convenient plot point for soap operas. In real life, memory loss has many forms and frequently involves learning to use forks again, stuff like that. In the case of patient "WO" who is being studied by Dr. Gerald Burgess at the University of Leicester, memory loss involves starting every day in the same place, a la Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. Or Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, except Bill Murray remembers that he's starting the day in the same place, so it's more like everyone around him has amnesia. Wait, what?

Burgess' description of what happens to WO sounds pretty harrowing and not family-friendly:

"He wakes up believing he should still be in the military, stationed abroad. Every day he thinks it is the day of the dental appointment. Each morning he is prompted by his wife to check his computer, on which the family has listed, and keep updated, key facts he should be aware of. Some events that have occurred since the onset of his condition in March 2005 continue to elicit genuine surprise or astonishment."

The scariest thing about this story: THEY DON'T KNOW WHY HE HAS AMNESIA. The last moment of his memory loss is traced to being injected with an anesthetic before a root canal treatment over a decade ago. He hasn't suffered any brain damage and, after 10 years, the doctors are pretty sure he isn't just pretending!

So, what could it be? Burgess says that the form this patient's condition is taking defies classification, but he is positing that it's caused by a breakdown of protein synthesis in the brain affecting the bilateral hippocampal or diencephalon regions, where our long term memories are stored. Because his amnesia is so unusual, there's no knowing where it will lead. Probably not to a Hollywood ending, though it is noted that WO has a family and a system for taking part in his life as much as he can now, before starting all over in 2005 tomorrow.

Italy is the subject of the latest "100 Years of Beauty" video series from Cut. As one of the most influential places on Earth in terms of 20th century style, there's a lot to cover…in about a minute.

As you can see, it's pretty much an overview of all Western beauty trends, which speaks to the influence of Italian designers and style-people. It's also pretty crazy to see how different the same person can look. People don't change, but style does. CONSTANTLY.

For example, here's an austere, simple look from the 1940s, when shortages and war made life not terribly fabulous:

She's smiling because Mussolini is the coolest. (Via YouTube)

And here's a common 1960s style:

In the '60s, literally everyone in Italy looked like Sophia Loren. (Via YouTube)

She could find two men to have sex with at a rodeo, but doesn't know anyone with Final Cut.

In a viral video being celebrated for its pro-sex, anti-shaming message, Alexis Frulling delivered a message to her haters that said...something. I'm in full support of telling any mean person on the Internet to go to Hell for shaming women, but I can't tell if this video is about that, or if Alexis just got drunk and bit into a huge cucumber for fun.

I honestly don't know. I'm proud of her for "owning" what she did. People should be allowed to have sex with whomever they like at whatever frequency they find suitable. What I don't support however, is whatever friend said "yes, put out this video. You sound like you totally have your shit figured out."

If I ever got filmed against my will having consensual sex, the first thing I'd do is probably apologize to anyone who had to see that. So, when I see someone really being proud of a story like this, I do feel hopeful. You should never be shamed for what you're into with consenting adults. If that's what her point is.

From what you can see in the video, she's not ashamed of what happened, and she doesn't care about trolls who might have mocked her choice to have sex in public. That's good, if that's what she's doing. I can't really tell because there is nothing really coherent about what's happening in this video. I think she's OK? Someone should ask instead of just posting this video everywhere as if it's a triumph of the human spirit.

Alexis is at least buzzed off the wine she's drinking throughout. She cut seemingly random parts of her response from multiple different videos, and keeps talking about how great Wiz Khalifa is. These are all things a healthy human being might do, and I sincerely hope that's the point of this rambling video. That's she's fine, and loves herself. Screw all you haters who don't like threeways!

But if you're reading this and you're her friend, please tell her we said "you go, girl! Are you OK?"

In this live performance from 1994, young Stephen Colbert sings about a date where he really isn't feeling it.

This song about a bad date is like the 1990s version of a Tinder screenshot. This was Colbert's final show at Second City, and I'm trying really hard not to type about how voluminous his hair is, but I can't help it! He and costar Jenna Jolovitz play two characters on a date who are seriously struggling to keep their conversation going:

"It's a beautiful night."

"Thank you."

But they do harmonize pretty well. And this is just another YouTube video that goes to show that people who are now a certain age were once a younger age.

There is a time and place to get weirdly maternal, and this is not it.

"It's okay, honey. You have a whole year before we force you out." (via Newsweek)

When it comes to asylum, Germany faces a similar challenge America faces with immigration: A lot of people want to come over, but the country's infrastructure is failing to keep up with the high volume of citizenship-seekers. Just last week, the Associated Press reported that Germany received 179,037 asylum applications, more than double what they received at the same time last year. It's a shitty situation all around and the system definitely needs fixing. Like any daunting political issue, it should be dealt with using optimism and positive thinking, which is unfortunately not how German Chancellor Angela Merkel deals with a young Palestinian refugee's question about her asylum prospects during a public outreach Q&A for high schoolers.

The young girl, whose family has been in Germany for four years and faces the threat of deportation, told Merkel the following:

I want to study. It is really a wish, and a goal I want to obtain. It is really very unpleasant to look on at how others can really enjoy life while oneself cannot enjoy it.

Merkel responded with:

"Yeah." (via BBC/YouTube)

"No." (via BBC/YouTube)

Okay, she didn't say exactly that, but it was close. She told the young girl:

Politics is sometimes hard. You are right in front of me and are really a very nice person, but you also know that in the Palestinian refugee camps in Lebanon there are thousands and thousands, and if we now say, 'you can now all come here and you from Africa can all come here, you can all come,' we cannot manage that either. And so we're in this discrepancy, and the only answer can give is; make sure the decision does not take too long. But some will have to go back. We have so many families where the children going to school, and we have to change that.

She then told the moderator that they are trying to create a system that sends most people back within a year, and like most people whose dreams have been shat on, the young girl started crying. Merkel then went over to comfort her, which just feels weird, since she just pretty much told her that there's a chance she's going to be deported back to a Lebanese refugee camp, one that looks like this:

A Palestinian refugee camp in Lebanon. (via Getty)

What feels even weirder is the way Merkel described her actions to the moderator:

The stroking techniques has been proven to alleviate deportation-induced stress.
(via BBC/YouTube)

Maybe it's the result of cultural differences or a translation issue, but I don't know if "stroking" is the appropriate follow-up to admitting to someone that your government is failing them. Twitter had a field day about the whole thing, and #merkelstreichelt became a popular, parody-inducing hashtag (streichelt is German for stroke):

You know nothing Jon Snow!#merkelstreicheltpic.twitter.com/K5XLZK6l5h
— Florian Luedtke (@iLuedtke) July 16, 2015

Griechenlandkrise gelöst! #merkelstreicheltpic.twitter.com/dDykcKUP67
— DiesDasAnanas (@Dies_Das_Ananas) July 16, 2015

Part of me wants to believe that Merkel's actions are actually more noble than those of other politicians, who would make an empty promise just for the sake of good press. The girl, a 14-year-old named Reem, even defended Merkel later, saying that she thought her response was "fair enough." Still, I can't help but think there's something so gross about Merkel shutting down this young girl's hopes and then trying to comfort her, as if dealing with Palestinian refugees is a problem completely outside of her control, despite the fact that she's the Chancellor of Germany. That's like a gynecologist telling someone who just got stabbed that they can't help them at all. It's like, "Come on, I know it's not your field, but surely you learned some shit about this in med school?"

Running through tall grass has consequences, but sometimes you just gotta live!

May this weekend bring you the same level of joy this dog is experiencing as it runs like a maniac through the tall grasses of a meadow on a summer day. May you periscope out of your work week and see the face of someone you love. May we ALL get tick-checked by somebody we want to touching us all over, even behind our ears. Life is sweet; dogs are great. Let's run into the wild yonder!

Thanks for ruining another fun thing, facts!

An expert is pretty sure he's solved the mystery, and the answer is lame.(via Getty)

Can you do a spoiler alert for reality? If so: SPOILER ALERT. If this is true, then one of humanity's last surviving mysteries is dead. Now, all that's left is "Is there life on other planets?" and "Why is Go-Gurt still a thing?"

It's been called the "world's greatest mystery" by the guy in the following video who thinks he's solved said mystery. That mystery is: What is the Loch Ness Monster?

The answer? It's a big catfish.

That's it. According to Loch Ness specialist Steve Feltham, the closest animal that lives in the large body of water in Scotland is a Wels catfish.

The dream has died, everyone. Aliens didn't build The Pyramids, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and there's definitely no God. Not any more, thanks to experts picking apart all the fun and claiming the monsters we thought we saw are actually just big, dumb catfish.

Wait, what's that? Steve Feltham, who studied Nessie for over 24 years, says in the following video that maybe he hasn't solved the mystery necessarily... but that, yeah... probably just a catfish. The reporter takes the time to remind Steve how he's lost his girlfriend and his home, all to study something that is likely just a catfish. Steve regrets nothing.

Everything is over.

Who wants a drink?

Oh, your jacket just keeps you warm? That's adorable.

I hope this isn't condescending, but compared to the BauBax, your little sleeved thingy kind of reminds me of a square of cloth. Just because it can't, like, do anything?

The BauBax is similar to a normal jacket, but it has 15 extra features. Are we still getting away with Stefan references? Because this coat has everything! As gizmag explains:

Essentially a multitool in the form of clothing, the BauBax Jacket's features include a neck pillow and eye mask built into the hood, gloves built into the sleeves, a built-in microfiber cloth for cleaning glasses and/or touchscreens, and a zipper that doubles up as both a pen and stylus.

It also has a bunch of other stuff, including a special type of pocket that prevents earphones from getting tangled, which could be its own invention. Plus there's a drink koozy, special compartments for your various devices, and the possibility of falling in love with the attractive person sitting next to you on the plane. (That was my reading of the commercial's subtext.)

The creators of the BauBax created a Kickstarter to try to raise $20,000, but the dumb-dumbs accidentally already raised more than $700,000. You can buy the BauBax in a few different styles: hoodie sweatshirt, windbreaker, bomber, and blazer. It unfortunately doesn't come in any type of romper or jumpsuit, which I feel is a missed opportunity.

I was very surprised to learn that this wasn't a Tim and Eric sketch.

Thank god it doesn't turn into an orgy. (via Volga Video/YouTube)

Pop culture from other countries is weird, especially when it's retro. The barrier of other cultures is hard to penetrate when we don't have context, and a gap in generational understanding only makes it worse. I don't mean to suggest that America is by any means "normal"—I'm sure any foreigner who has taken a look at our cultural relics probably thinks we're a bunch of crazies—but regardless, it's always fun to find a music video or TV show from a different place and time to WTF at. Our latest piece of mind-baffling entertainment comes from Tollywood, a subset of Indian cinema centered in the Indian states of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana, and spoken in the Telugu language. It's from a 1985 film called Adavi Donga. Basically, the male and female lead dance with a bunch of people in animal costumes, and shit gets freaky.

Donnie Darko has nothing on this. (via Volga Video/YouTube)

I'm sober, and I'm already too high for this. (via Volga Video/YouTube)

Don't worry, the disembodied animals bop along to the beat. (via Volga Video/YouTube)

I looked up the Wikipedia summary for some context, but was equally as baffled by the first paragraph:

When her husband is attacked by the goons, Sharada hides baby Chiranjeevi in a bush and runs away to escape the goons. He was found by an elephant who raises him as his own child in the forest along with other animals. Sharada is shocked when she found out her baby is missing and her husband is wrongly convicted and send to jail much to her dismay.

Watch for yourself:

Sidenote: You can slow down the speed on the YouTube player. If you put it on the 0.5x setting, it goes from being a weird pop jam to an outright nightmare dance.

Do you ever eat seaweed and wish it could be like bacon? There might be a solution.

Land bacon. (stock photo)

Thanks to researchers at Oregon State University Hatfields Marine Science Center, we could have a food that is somehow the best of both worlds. The new strain of red marine algae is called dulse. It has the appearance of red lettuce, and it is filled with minerals as well as protein. So virtuous, in fact, it's said to have more nutrition than regular kale. According to chief researcher, Chris Langdon, dulse does not have the flavor of seaweed, but actually a "pretty strong bacon flavor."

It just sounds bonkers, right? It's like Homer Simpson became a marine life researcher. For real, "kale that tastes like bacon" is pretty much the American Dream.

Dulse normally grows wild along Pacific and Atlantic coastlines, and is harvested and used mostly in dried form as a cooking ingredient or nutritional supplement. Chief researcher Chris Langdon has reportedly been developing this new strain for years, originally with the intent to feed abalone. The consideration of it's rare qualities of nutrition and flavor lead to the decision to patent it for human consumption.

There is currently no commercial farm that grows dulse for mass consumption; however, the team is confident dulse could become very popular.

Here's hoping our dreams really do come true. Healthy wishes and bacon-y dreams.

And even better, 'The Boston Globe' left the Tweet standing because they're not a bunch of fearful dummies.

Reportedly, there's been a break wind in the case. (via The Boston Globe on Twitter)

Earlier today, The Boston Globe made the above tweet with the typo "investifarted." They quickly corrected the typo in a subsequent Tweet, and, as of my publishing this piece, they haven't edited or deleted the initial typo. This is a testament to the fact that The Boston Globe knows that a) it looks worse to change or delete a typo than it does to just comment on it with a correction, and b) humans are all juveniles and love to see a respected newspaper accidentally use the word fart.

Also, I want "investifarting" to be a real thing, and I want to know how it would work. Do you fart so many times in an interrogation room that the suspect breaks? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Are you not an asshole who enjoys seeing other people tricked on camera? Then you'll probably enjoy this video!

As I've mentioned on this site before, I don't like prank videos, but I know of a lot of people who do. I'm not sure what's wrong with me — maybe I'm just not a withered-heart monster who thinks that it's funny to do shitty things to other people in order to film their upset reactions? Gosh, I don't know. I just feel so different from everyone else!

But the people at the Latvian show Spediens get me, and that's why they made this parody of all those dumb prank videos.

Regrets: He has them all.

Hey, kid, maybe don't put that in your mouth? (via YouTube)

Good news, guys: You're never too old or too young to stunt-eat a Carolina Reaper pepper and have all of your dumb life decisions flash before your eyes. Here we have a young man known as Pikachu the Pokemon on YouTube. At the beginning of the video he is filled with such hope — hope for what? Looking like a badass? Getting YouTube hits? Impressing a special girl at school who said, "Yeah, I'll go on a date with you the day you eat the world's hottest pepper"? We might never know. But quickly, that hope fades into fiery, fiery despair.

This young man is only nine, so that's nine years of regrets. Does he regret buying the pepper? Joining YouTube? Learning how to read, and then reading about hot peppers? Does he regret forming a mouth in the womb instead of opting to be born mouthless? My guess is that the answer to all of these questions is YES.

Whatever you do this weekend, do it with the joy of this bubble-popping lizard, your arms raised high and face starting towards the sun (and/or terrarium heat lamp).

"I put my hands up/they're playing my song/bubbles fly away/Yeah, yeah, yeah/I'm a lizard in the USA." (via voemas on Twitter)

Whether you live in an apartment or a glass-walled tank with no privacy, raise your arms up! Whether you are warm-blooded or cold-blooded, reach 'em towards the sky! Because it doesn't matter whether you're a human or a lizard — you never know what life is going to throw at you. So do what makes you happy as much as you can, and let Laura the lizard be your guide:

LAURA LIKES TO POP BUBBLES OH MY GOD pic.twitter.com/3FwtQXdiAk
— nick ✰ (@voemas) July 16, 2015