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This six second video of Cara Delevingne and Kylie Jenner dancing has somehow aroused the Internet.

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Does this make you... excited?



These didn't make it to Snapchat so here you are Instagram
A video posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Honestly, the most interesting thing about this video to me, is that Snapchat ranks higher than Instagram in the hierarchy of social media platforms to jiggle your boobs on. THIS didn't make it to Snapchat? What did?!

It's also funny how little two famous young women have to do to get people panting. There's barely anything to that dance! They just rock back and forth in their seats a little and almost lick their thumbs. Anyway, famous people are just like us: when they get tipsy they think they're Beyoncé in "Single Ladies."


Ease into it.

Rachel Dolezal speaks her truth in new "Vanity Fair" interview, and her truth is a lie.

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Rachel Dolezal is standing firm on blackface.

At least, she is now that she's had some time to reflect on it and perhaps realize the only way out is through. It's been a while since the story of a white woman posing as a black woman (and accepting money and jobs under that pretext) broke, after she was outed by her parents in a local newspaper. She's had time to recoup and think strategy.

Here's what she said this week in an exclusive interview with Vanity Fair:

“It's not a costume. I don't know spiritually and metaphysically how this goes, but I do know that from my earliest memories I have awareness and connection with the black experience, and that's never left me. It's not something that I can put on and take off anymore. Like I said, I've had my years of confusion and wondering who I really [was] and why and how do I live my life and make sense of it all, but I'm not confused about that any longer. I think the world might be — but I'm not."

The thing is though, she can take it off. Especially the incredible hair! Her hair has even been her meal-ticket, since she lost her job as chapter president of the Spokane NAACP and as a teacher of Africana Studies at the local university. It seems like her skill with weaves transcends all racial prejudice.

There was a time when she wasn't able to pull the trigger on this identity, on public record at least:

Considering the very real, pressing issues facing the African-American community, Dolezal's bizarre claims probably rank low on anyone's list of things to give a f*ck about. Especially when she still just sounds confused as hell.

“I don't know. I just feel like I didn't mislead anybody; I didn't deceive anybody.If people feel misled or deceived, then sorry that they feel that way, but I believe that's more due to their definition and construct of race in their own minds than it is to my integrity or honesty, because I wouldn't say I'm African American, but I would say I'm black, and there's a difference in those terms."

She also sounds like she's saying "sorry, not sorry" about the whole accepting money and positions based on her race, which she lied about. Sorry if you believed my lies, everybody, but that's on you!

If you're intrigued by Rachel Dolezal's ideas and would like subscribe to her newsletter, you'll be happy to hear she is currently working on a book .

This girl freaked out so hard over her new puppy that even her family was like, "Relax."

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This adorable little girl totally lost her cool when she saw a puppy in her house. Major party foul.

Listen, everyone is excited to get a new puppy. If I were in this girl's shoes, you think I wouldn't want to squeal and collapse to the ground in tears? I wouldn't, because I've got a rep to protect.

I know she'll take good care of that dog, and she'll have to. It might be her only friend once this video goes viral on the playground. Sorry kid, I've got to be real.

Sex toy company declares national holiday tomorrow to celebrate humanity's most awkward sex act.

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The flag will be flown at half-stiff.

Was it ever not trendy? (via Tengaman/YouTube)

You know how we have National Pancake Day in America? Well, Japan has something similar, but instead of pancakes, it's with hand jobs. The Japanese sex toy company Tenga has deemed tomorrow national "Hand Job Day." Similar to how free Slurpee day falls on July 11th (7/11, i.e. seven-eleven), they're using the numbers of the date as a marketing strategy:

The reason is that “masturbation" in Japanese is “onanii" (オナニー), which is a pun on 07.21 (“o" for “zero"; “na" for “seven" or “nana" in Japanese; “ni" means “two" in Japanese; and here, they're making a pun on the long vowel mark “ー" by saying it refers to “一" or “ichi," which means “one.") So, “Jerk Off Day" is probably more accurate

Okay, I get it, but "Hand Job Day" sounds funnier so I'm gonna keep calling it that. Tenga didn't just make a holiday out of it, however; Hand Job Day also has a mascot, "Tengaman:"


He's the hero masturbation deserves, but not the one it needs right now. (via Tenga)

He's pretty much a Power Ranger who fights bad guys who are, uh, against hand jobs? I actually have no idea. Tengaman has his own movie trailer, but it's really confusing:


Yes, that is a man jerking off a Dr. Pepper can. (via Tengaman/YouTube)


That guy is about to use a Fleshlight like it's the key to saving the world while epic music plays in the background. (via Tengaman/YouTube)


The masked bandits symbolize society's sexual mores. (via Tengaman/YouTube)


Mighty Morphin Mastur-Bators. (via Tengaman/YouTube)

Let's hope American companies don't try to compete; the idea of a PornHub Man is truly terrifying.

Article 6

Oh, you hate Minions? Well, this one saved a little girl's life, you monster.

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In an unexpected turn, we are glad "Minions" exist.


Look at their smug, heroic faces.(via Getty)

Ever since the Minions movie dominated the box office like it was making love to a yellow fire hydrant, many of us have been inundated with the disgusting little creatures clogging our newsfeeds and brains with their inane chatter. DEATH TO MINIONS! Wait, not so fast. One of these horrible banana chodes finally made a difference in the world (besides guaranteeing that screenwriters get axed completely from the movie-making process: "Um, yeah, here the Minion just garbles some bullsh*t, cut to an explosion, money flies in all our faces, and scene.").

A Minion has saved a 5-year-old girl's life, according to The Daily News:

"A stuffed 'Minion' teddy bear cushioned the fall of a 5-year-old girl when she accidentally fell out of a third-story window in Colorado Springs on Thursday night... The girl had been playing in her room when she fell backwards out the window.

'Fortunately, when the child fell out of the window she continued holding on to a stuffed Minion teddy bear that is believed to have cushioned her fall,' cops said."

If Minions can save even one child's life, I guess they're worth it. But she better grow up to cure cancer or something!

This new mom cat nursing her kittens is the most accurate breastfeeding photo we've ever seen.

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This is what it actually feels like to breastfeed a newborn.


Motherhood is a beautiful thing. (via Hamusoku)

Oh sure, there are moments of magic and deep emotional connection—of love so strong it can be terrifying—but also a lot of moments when you're just like, "What liquid is trickling down my stomach this time? Oh cool, it's not shit."


So this is life now.

And of course, it's when you've given up, and you're just lying on the floor allowing yourself to be used for your mammary secretions, that some stranger walks by and says: "You MUST TREASURE EVERY MOMENT."

This photo, originally tweeted by Twitter user @ninetail with the caption "Just Drink It" has gone viral. We'd better enjoy it before Facebook flags it for inappropriateness.


Even Queen Elizabeth has embarrassing childhood videos, except she's doing a Nazi salute in hers.

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Come on, every 6-year-old goes through a Hitler phase.


You mean a monarchy based on blood relations kinda fux with Hitler?! (via The Sun)

The U.K. tabloid The Sun, which is like the New York Post but somehow more terrible, uncovered a video of a young Queen Elizabeth II giving the Nazi salute. The 17-second clip was filmed in 1933 on grainy black-and-white celluloid film (the Vine of its time period). From left to right, the clip features Queen Elizabeth's mother (some British lady who thought she ruled India), a 6-year-old Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth's uncle Edward VIII (also thought he ruled India), and a three-year-old Princess Margaret.

Even though people are going crazy over the photo, Queen Elizabeth never actually supported Nazism. She was only in her teens during the war and actually went to great lengths to use her position of power to support British victims of the blitzkrieg. She also served as a mechanic in the Women's Auxiliary Territorial Service during the war (and famously still knows how to repair a truck). Her younger sister just continued her studies, since she was too young to get involved. Elizabeth's mother, on the other hand, was one of the leading figures in the United Kingdom's fight against Fascism. Hitler once even called her "The most dangerous woman in Europe" for the threat she posed to his regime. The real shadiness of this video lies with Edward VIII.

Edward VIII was a total Nazi-loving dickhead for a significant portion of his life. He openly expressed support for Hitler, and even visited him in 1937. Hitler was hoping to use him to his advantage, but Edward abdicated his power so he could marry his twice-divorced lover (royalty wasn't allowed to marry divorcees), so he wasn't much help. Here's a black-and-white film picture (the Instagram of its time) of Edward and his wife meeting the führer:


"OMG let's throw this on the 'gram." (via Wikipedia)

Obviously, Buckingham Palace is pissed. This video was somehow smuggled out of their private, personal collection and they think the public is misinterpreting it. Many historians have spring to the family's defense, with statements such as:

I don't think there was a child in Britain in the 1930s or 40s who has not performed a mock Nazi salute as a bit of a lark.

It just shows the Royal Family are as human as the next man.

They're basically saying, "Ay, come on, it was the 30s! People threw up a heil once in a while, it's NBD."

Meanwhile, other historians are thrilled, since the artifacts like this deepen our understanding of complicated historical relations between Germany and the U.K. Watch is below for yourself. Make sure to turn your volume up, since the sound is a little hard to hear.

Makeup artist turns into many Kardashians in minutes, but do we need more Kardashians?

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Kandee Johnson makes YouTube makeup tutorials. In her latest video, she transforms herself into four different Kardashians with just a little makeup. Okay, it's the Kardashians, so lots and lots of makeup.

Johnson obviously has a talent for makeup, and she used that talent, ironically to make herself resemble four people whose talent is questionable or possibly non-existent. It's pretty impressive what a little face-dye and hair-paint can do.


She could possibly fool Ray J if it was kind of dark out. (ViaYouTube)


And here she is as the most tolerable one. (ViaYouTube)


Johnson can even pull off looking like one of the younger, lesser Kardashians. (ViaYouTube)


Article 1

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Chris Brown, because his house was robbed and his friends probably did it.


Cheer up, Chris. We all get played sooner or later.(Getty)

Last week, Chris Brown's new house in the San Fernando Valley was burgled while the rapper/abuser/mopeyface was partying at a club. Brown's aunt was in the house at the time, and the intruders stuck a gun in her face, locked her in a closet, and ransacked the house, taking money and valuables. This only thing that could make this worse for Brown is if it turned out the robbers were his friends. And of course they were.

TMZ is reporting that Brown has become convinced members of his close-knit crew were responsible for the robbery. What's more, the police agree with him. And it doesn't stop there. A club promoter was previously implicated, and now the Bloods are believed to be involved. Because of that, a member of the LAPD Gang Unit is investigating the case.

I, for one, can't believe Chris Brown is hanging around with armed robbers, crooked club promoters, and gang bangers. They should all know better than to be seen with him.

4. Cheaters, because Ashley Madison was hacked.


Once your spouse finds out you're cheating, your life will really be short.
(Ashley Madison via Krebs on Security)

People who cheat on their spouse using a website probably think they're being smart about it. After all, it's not like they're fooling around with someone at work – that's just messy. Ashley Madison, a dating site for married cheaters, has always thrived off of that sense of safety, boasting about its discretion, encryption, and award-winning data security. Of course, talk like that just taunts the hackers. And hackers can get in anywhere.

This weekend, an organization calling itself The Impact Team successfully hacked Ashley Madison, acquiring the personal information of as many as 37 million users. This isn't the largest hack in recent history, but the information is probably the most personal. The Impact Team replaced Ashley Madison's homepage with an ominous threat. Here's a snippet:


"Worst fucking nightmare" is a nice touch.(via Krebs on Security)

Is it possible that the hackers have no financial motive, and are just offended by the idea of sad people having awkward affairs through a shady website? If so, I'll lose some respect for hackers in general. I always thought they were edgier than that.

3. Anyone going to the beach this summer, because the sand is covered in poop.


"Look mom! I made a poop castle!"(stock photo)

There's no shortage of gross stuff at the beach. Dead crabs, garbage, red tide, unsettling photobombers… even the water itself is full of pollution and baby pee. But until now, the one thing we assumed was safe was the pristine white sand itself. Well, get ready to have summer ruined forever, because a new study claims that beach sand is teeming with fecal bacteria.

According to a report published in the journal Environment Science & Technology, not only are there high numbers of poop-borne bacteria in beach sand, but they actually survive longer there than they do in the water. Another study found that more people are infected with germs that cause diarrhea and other summer fun symptoms from digging in the sand than from swimming in the ocean.

Is there a solution to this problem? Yes, live your whole life in a hermetically sealed box and never go near the coast. Or you could just stick yourself with every used syringe you find on the beach. One of them might contain some antibiotics (don't actually do this).

2. 'Clueless' fans, because they're old.


Can you believe it's been 20 years since every woman in America dressed like this?
(via Facebook)

Clueless was one of those movies that defined a generation of teenagers, like Pretty in Pink, Rebel Without a Cause, or A Clockwork Orange. When it was released on July 19, 1995, it brought Valley Girl culture into the mainstream. All of a sudden, everyone was using "Monet" as an insult, taking Polaroids of their outfits, and raving about teen sensation Dan Hedaya.

But now, twenty full years have passed, and every teenager who felt that Clueless understood them has become a 30-something left behind by pop culture. These days, every movie about teenagers has them fighting for their lives in some sort of dystopian bloodsport. Clueless star Donald Faison expressed a generation's sorrow perfectly in this tweet:

Poor Donald. Maybe he can take comfort in the fact that his co-star Paul Rudd looks exactly the same and is playing a superhero. I know I do.

1. This guy, who tried to steal a sword from a Renaissance Faire and was subdued by a comely wench.


Just because you have greasy Game of Thrones hair doesn't mean you can go around pillaging the countryside.
(via Douglas County Sheriff's Office)

Renaissance Faires are a great way to revisit a simpler time: a time of lords and ladies, knights and princesses, and drunken hoodlums getting tackled by all of them.

That must have been what Connor Ward was thinking when he had a few too many flagons at the Colorado Renaissance Festival. The 22-year-old gate-crashed a joust, grabbed one of the performers' swords from a haystack, and tried to run off with it. He probably assumed that because he was capable of pulling the sword from the haystack, he was the king, but he soon learned he was wrong. He was immediately caught and put into a headlock by a woman in a wench costume. The pictures, tweeted by 9 News, are amazing:


He's smiling because this is the closest he's ever come to a buxom bosom.
(9 News via Twitter)


This grizzled knight has seen too much bloodshed in his life to waste his time gutting such a pathetic whelp.
(9 News via Twitter)


He put up such a fight, they had to call in reinforcements from the future.
(9 News via Twitter)

When police arrived, Ward tried to fight them too, but was unsuccessful. He was arrested for assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, and theft. If convicted, he will be beheaded.

Brave man shot in butt (by his own gun) while protecting sea turtles from local turtle hater.

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Finally, someone took a stand against people taking a stand against sea turtles.


If you hate turtles, don't worry: they have plenty of natural enemies. (via Getty)

In a truly WTF story, a drunk man attacked a group of people protecting a sea turtle nest as it hatched those bitty babies into the ocean. Stanley Pannaman, a 72-year-old ex-Marine, was one of the last walls between this turtle-rage-fueled madman and endangered new lives. According to The Daily News, this is how it went down after he and his friend Doug Young were approached by the assailant, human distillery Michael McAuliffe:

"'He was sitting on a bench near the entrance and he said "I hate sea turtle people, you f---ing bother me, get out of here,"' Pannaman said... soon after, McAuliffe walked up to the habitat and began removing the sticks and tape... Pannaman said he began to inform McAuliffe he was breaking the law but the suspect then allegedly took a swing at Young."

"I HATE SEA TURTLE PEOPLE." That sounds like a person who can be reasoned with.

You know what would really diffuse this situation? A firearm. Luckily, Pannaman was packing that heat. He took out his .32 caliber Kel-Tec pistol, flashing it at McAuliffe. But when Pannaman turned to his cell phone to try and call the cops, McAuliffe grabbed the gun.

He said 'I'll shoot you with the flare gun' and I said 'it's a real gun.'"

"He pointed it at my chest and in that split second I turned away from him so he would not be pointing (the gun) at my chest. If he fired into my chest I'd be a dead man."

The bullet entered the left side of Pannaman's body near his belly button and it traveled into his buttock.

'He [McAuliffe] asked me "Are you all right?"' Pannaman said. 'I looked at him and I said "No, I'm not all right. You just shot me."

It's pretty horrible that Pannaman had to go through all this when he was doing something genuinely good. Unless you hate turtles. But who hates turtles? Not this kid:

Pananman is expected to make a full recovery, and McAullife is stewing in Broward County jail on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon, and battery on a person 65 or older. Weird how someone with such strong opinions might already be a convicted felon.

Article 25

Diner owner sparks online war by refusing to apologize for yelling at crying toddler to shut up.

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Why should babies be exempt from common human decency?


A window into the dark underbelly of the brunch business. (via WCSH6)

Who do babies think they are? No one else in society is allowed sleep, poop, and cry whenever and wherever they want. We've been living under this injustice too long. Luckily for us, a diner owner in Portland, Maine was brave enough to finally do something about it.

Darla Neugebauer is the owner of Marcy's Diner, a popular brunch spot in downtown Portland. On Saturday, a young couple decided to go for a bite at Marcy's. Their toddler started crying, but they did nothing about it. Darla repeatedly tried to get them to take their baby outside, but the couple refused. Darla was fed up. She slammed her hands on the table and yelled at the baby to be quiet. The baby shut up, but the couple was outraged. The baby's mother posted an angry Facebook review, and Darla responded from the Marcy's Diner account:


I love when adults do stuff like this.(via Facebook)

Text:

Tara Carson: I had the worst experience at this establishment. The owner is an absolute lunatic and screamed in the face of my almost 2 year old child bc she was crying. Who in their right mind would behave like this unless you are deranged. You have a problem with a child crying then you are not suitable to run a business. If it bothered you so much you should have spoken to me and not traumatized my child by screaming in her face. May karma bite you in the a@@.

Marcy's Diner: lit all started because YOUR PARTY NEEDED 3 full size pancakes for this 2 year old! 3 fucking pancakes at Marcy's! I believe right there should have told me you were ignorant! The waitress even told you there was an issue with 3 full size pancakes from marcy's! But no! You want them for yup a fucking child! Whatever !! I have a very small space both on my grill & in my diner! So it takes a moment! So when things get busy we wait! After your 4 th attempt to shut her up I asked you to pack up either your rotten child or take the so important pancakes to go........but NNNNOOOOOOO you just sit there & let your fucking screaming kid go! & piss off my staff & my patrons! Fuck you! And guess what.? She shut the fuck up after I yelled from 5 feet away! I was in your stupid husband's face I was in! the without any balls! I have a business to run & yes I am fucking crazy & you are lucky I didn't get really fucking nuts because being physical is not something I cower from.....male or female.
Your lesson today. Not everyone thinks you & your family are all that! At least noone at Marcy's Diner!

Apparently, the couple attributed the crying to the long wait time, but Darla told the media that they hadn't even fed their baby any of its food by the time she shut it up. The story went viral and now there's a review war happening on the Marcy's Diner Facebook page over whether or not it was okay for Darla to scream at the baby. The majority of these reviewers have never actually eaten at the restaurant, but that hasn't made any of their opinions less intense. The scales are just about balanced, with the pro-Marcy camp winning by a small margin:


In a review war, there's no room for nuanced, moderate opinions. (via Facebook)

The couple told a Portland news agency that they felt threatened, but when that same agency interviewed Darla, she wasn't the least bit apologetic.

I would love to be on the same flight as her.


Kelly Clarkson's rendition of Nick Jonas' "Jealous" really clarifies what a creepy song it is.

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You ever thought, "That song 'Jealous' is weird, but maybe only because a dude is singing it?" Well, it is, and it wasn't.

Kelly Clarkson sounds bomb singing this cover of a disturbing song at Radio City Music Hall last week, of course, because she has incredible pipes. The song's content remains... questionable. The Jonas brothers are sacred to tween, teen, and child-like women everywhere, so maybe the fantasy of Nick Jonas scrolling through their Instagram feed and grilling them over why they're wearing a small top is actually thrilling?

I wish you didn't have to post it all
I wish you'd save a little bit just for me
Protective or possessive, yeah
Call it passive or aggressive

I turn my cheek music up
And I'm puffing my chest
I'm getting ready to face you
Can call me obsessed
It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
It's my right to be hellish
I still get jealous

Right to be hellish? Oh, hell no. I don't know how this entire song isn't a red flag waving at a nation of fangirls, but you're getting a hard pass from me, Nick Jonas. And it doesn't sound any better coming from a woman! I mean, it does literally sound better, because Kelly Clarkson is a better singer than him. But the message is just as messed up.

If you just mentally replace the word "jealous" with "shellfish" it improves enormously. Lifehack.

Article 22

Dressing up like a Native American is getting banned at music festivals; what will you Instagram now?

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You can still wear cut-offs and flower wreaths!!!!!

Sorry, all you wannabe Tiger Lilies (who is a racist cartoon character, remember), The Guardian reports that Montreal's Osheaga Music and Arts Festival is the first of its kind to create a clear policy on the wearing of headdresses by non-indigenous people: Any attendee who shows up wearing a headdress will have it confiscated upon entry or be asked to leave and return without it. They've also very bravely outlawed selfie sticks.

You brought this on yourselves! What does going to a music festival even have to do with wearing traditional First Nation headdresses? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. There are plenty of other things that we can put on our heads to represent the experience. Here's a short list:

  1. A bird's nest made out of guitar strings.
  2. A basket full of Molly.
  3. A scrolling LED sign of all the texts you send your friends trying to figure out which porta-potty they're standing on line at.
  4. A sunscreen dispensary. But it's, like, a hat.
  5. A drop-down screen that plays a short Ken Burns' segment on The Trail of Tears every time you think about putting a headdress back on.

There ya go. And for a little more on the reasons why wearing a headdress is inappropriate and offensive, this is what Niigaanwewidam James Sinclair, head of the Department of Native Studies at the University of Manitoba, has to say about misusing the ceremonial garb:

“A headdress is bestowed to a person in a leadership position. Each feather in the headdress represents a relationship that has been forged by that leader or a relationship that leader carries within the community and outside the community. A feather has thousands of little strands and they all represent different relationships. That's what a leader carries: those relationships.

“People have been dressing up like Indians for 150 years. It's about celebrating the conquest of indigenous people. People don't understand how degrading it is to have a sacred object within a culture stolen and appropriated and misused in an inappropriate setting."

Another reason Osheaga decided this was the year to say buh-bye to pseudo-indigenous head pieces is the planned appearance of A Tribe Called Red, a First Nations electronic group from Ottawa. Caroline Audet, manager of public relations at Evenko, Osheaga's promoter, says it was that much more important to implement the policy out of respect to the band. The decision is having ripple effects across Canada, as more music festivals review their policies. And their accessories.

Miss Piggy covers "Bitch Better Have My Money" and knocks it out of the park.

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That little punk Babe would never have the guts do this.


"That won't do, pig. That won't do." (via Vulture/YouTube)

Remember when Rihanna released that crazy, kind-of-based-on-real-life, super-NSFW music video in which she kills her accountant who owes her money? Someone remixed it to clips of Miss Piggy from The Muppets, and it's perfect. As an empowered feminist pig, Miss Piggy is the perfect puppet analogue to Rihanna; and although it doesn't feature her soaked in blood at any point, it's a nice combination of her smacking Kermit around and menacingly staring at other Muppets.

The video was produced as a collaboration between Vulture and mash-up artist Mylo the Cat, and just like Mylo's other Muppets mash-ups (which include The Beastie Boys and Ol' Dirty Bastard), the clips line up perfectly with the music. I won't call you on your bluff, Miss Piggy. Now please don't hurt me.

Daniel Radcliffe sings Eminem at karaoke bar, but his girlfriend's dancing steals the show.

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Will the real Harry Potter please stand up?


"Sorry for subjecting you to that." (via Getty)

For the second act in what I can only hope is Daniel Radcliffe trying to become Bill Murray by getting caught doing random, everyday things, Radcliffe was filmed doing karaoke at Cameron's pub in Half Moon Bay, California on Saturday. He was with his girlfriend, Erin Darke, and the two of them rapped "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem on karaoke. Well, Radcliffe mainly did the rapping, while Darke did a hilarious, exaggerated dance while shouting along to the chorus. The rapping was fun to watch, but that comes as no surprise; we all know that Lil Danny can drop some rhymes. He keeps up with the pace, and there's something so magnificently awkward about him nervously rhyming about clitorises and putting his bum on people's lips in a half-British, half-American accent. Let's hope this leads to a mixtape, preferably one titled "36 Chambers of Secrets" or "Scary Potter and the Half-Blunt Prince."

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