5. Chris Brown, because his house was robbed and his friends probably did it.
Cheer up, Chris. We all get played sooner or later.(Getty)
Last week, Chris Brown's new house in the San Fernando Valley was burgled while the rapper/abuser/mopeyface was partying at a club. Brown's aunt was in the house at the time, and the intruders stuck a gun in her face, locked her in a closet, and ransacked the house, taking money and valuables. This only thing that could make this worse for Brown is if it turned out the robbers were his friends. And of course they were.
TMZ is reporting that Brown has become convinced members of his close-knit crew were responsible for the robbery. What's more, the police agree with him. And it doesn't stop there. A club promoter was previously implicated, and now the Bloods are believed to be involved. Because of that, a member of the LAPD Gang Unit is investigating the case.
I, for one, can't believe Chris Brown is hanging around with armed robbers, crooked club promoters, and gang bangers. They should all know better than to be seen with him.
4. Cheaters, because Ashley Madison was hacked.
Once your spouse finds out you're cheating, your life will really be short.
(Ashley Madison via Krebs on Security)
People who cheat on their spouse using a website probably think they're being smart about it. After all, it's not like they're fooling around with someone at work – that's just messy. Ashley Madison, a dating site for married cheaters, has always thrived off of that sense of safety, boasting about its discretion, encryption, and award-winning data security. Of course, talk like that just taunts the hackers. And hackers can get in anywhere.
This weekend, an organization calling itself The Impact Team successfully hacked Ashley Madison, acquiring the personal information of as many as 37 million users. This isn't the largest hack in recent history, but the information is probably the most personal. The Impact Team replaced Ashley Madison's homepage with an ominous threat. Here's a snippet:
"Worst fucking nightmare" is a nice touch.(via Krebs on Security)
Is it possible that the hackers have no financial motive, and are just offended by the idea of sad people having awkward affairs through a shady website? If so, I'll lose some respect for hackers in general. I always thought they were edgier than that.
3. Anyone going to the beach this summer, because the sand is covered in poop.
"Look mom! I made a poop castle!"(stock photo)
There's no shortage of gross stuff at the beach. Dead crabs, garbage, red tide, unsettling photobombers… even the water itself is full of pollution and baby pee. But until now, the one thing we assumed was safe was the pristine white sand itself. Well, get ready to have summer ruined forever, because a new study claims that beach sand is teeming with fecal bacteria.
According to a report published in the journal Environment Science & Technology, not only are there high numbers of poop-borne bacteria in beach sand, but they actually survive longer there than they do in the water. Another study found that more people are infected with germs that cause diarrhea and other summer fun symptoms from digging in the sand than from swimming in the ocean.
Is there a solution to this problem? Yes, live your whole life in a hermetically sealed box and never go near the coast. Or you could just stick yourself with every used syringe you find on the beach. One of them might contain some antibiotics (don't actually do this).
2. 'Clueless' fans, because they're old.
Can you believe it's been 20 years since every woman in America dressed like this?
(via Facebook)
Clueless was one of those movies that defined a generation of teenagers, like Pretty in Pink, Rebel Without a Cause, or A Clockwork Orange. When it was released on July 19, 1995, it brought Valley Girl culture into the mainstream. All of a sudden, everyone was using "Monet" as an insult, taking Polaroids of their outfits, and raving about teen sensation Dan Hedaya.
But now, twenty full years have passed, and every teenager who felt that Clueless understood them has become a 30-something left behind by pop culture. These days, every movie about teenagers has them fighting for their lives in some sort of dystopian bloodsport. Clueless star Donald Faison expressed a generation's sorrow perfectly in this tweet:
Poor Donald. Maybe he can take comfort in the fact that his co-star Paul Rudd looks exactly the same and is playing a superhero. I know I do.
1. This guy, who tried to steal a sword from a Renaissance Faire and was subdued by a comely wench.
Just because you have greasy Game of Thrones hair doesn't mean you can go around pillaging the countryside.
(via Douglas County Sheriff's Office)
Renaissance Faires are a great way to revisit a simpler time: a time of lords and ladies, knights and princesses, and drunken hoodlums getting tackled by all of them.
That must have been what Connor Ward was thinking when he had a few too many flagons at the Colorado Renaissance Festival. The 22-year-old gate-crashed a joust, grabbed one of the performers' swords from a haystack, and tried to run off with it. He probably assumed that because he was capable of pulling the sword from the haystack, he was the king, but he soon learned he was wrong. He was immediately caught and put into a headlock by a woman in a wench costume. The pictures, tweeted by 9 News, are amazing:
He's smiling because this is the closest he's ever come to a buxom bosom.
(9 News via Twitter)
This grizzled knight has seen too much bloodshed in his life to waste his time gutting such a pathetic whelp.
(9 News via Twitter)
He put up such a fight, they had to call in reinforcements from the future.
(9 News via Twitter)
When police arrived, Ward tried to fight them too, but was unsuccessful. He was arrested for assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, and theft. If convicted, he will be beheaded.