Vladislav "Sam" Samsonov was a tollbooth operator for 29 years before he was fired for a small act of kindness.

Sam Samsonov, human E-Z Pass.(NBC 2 via YouTube)

A little kindness goes a long way in this cold, cruel world. It can brighten someone's day, reaffirm their faith in mankind, or even save their life. It can also get your kind ass canned.

Vladislav Samsonov has worked as a toll collector on the Boca Grande Causeway for nearly 30 years. He has a personal relationship with many of the people and families who frequent the Causeway. They affectionately know him as "Sam," and they always seek out his lane, knowing that he'll have lollipops for the kids and treats for the dogs. He's just a nice guy.

In fact, Sam is so nice that he'll occasionally pay for part of a driver's toll out of his own pocket, if they don't have enough cash. That doesn't sit well with his supervisors, just because it subverts the basic idea of a tollbooth. Sam's been warned before about this kind of behavior, but never officially written up. That's why he was shocked when he was abruptly fired for paying $5.50 of a trucker's toll.

Sam's former tollbooth — now cold and empty.(NBC 2 via YouTube)

Sam wasn't officially fired — his supervisors first offered to let him switch from working five days a week to working two. He refused the offer, telling them, "If I can't be trusted for five days, how can I be trusted for two days?" It's sound logic, and it convinced them not to trust him at all. He was terminated.

Sam doesn't need the money. He's a military veteran and has a comfortable income, but he's always kept working for his love of the people. He told NBC 2, "I gave children suckers 20 years ago. Now I'm giving those children suckers for their children." He's planning to do volunteer work with his spare time, but he'll never be able to forget all those suckers, or the smiling faces behind them.

Those faces will miss him too, and not just for his endless supply of suckers. Sam's daughter posted his story to Facebook, where it was flooded with hundreds of comments of support. People shared their favorite memories of Sam and insisted that he should be reinstated at the tollbooth.

Somebody printed the comments for Sam, who was touched. He told NBC 2, "Makes me feel good, makes me want to cry. But bite your tongue and you'll be ok."

It doesn't look like Sam will be back in the booth any time soon, which is OK with his family. They had been trying to get him to retire for years. Let's hope he does take up volunteer work, because his thoughtfulness and old world charm could improve lives many places besides a tollbooth. He's improving mine, and I'm just reading about him. It's like a contact high of kindness.

Here's the full report from 'NBC 2':

Here's what's in store for you, cheaters! Hopefully at least your infidelities won't cause Gawker to implode.

ROXXXXXANNE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RIGHT SWIPE.
Ok, I just needed to get that one out of my system.(via r/Tinder)

As you may have heard, hackers broke into the dark, dank digital dungeon of cheating website Ashley Madison (and their partner sites, like the "how is this not prostitution, exactly?" match site for moneyed dues and willing ladies, EstablishedMen.com) and are threatening to expose the private details of clients unless the site shuts down for good. This includes clients who forked over $19 to the site for their much-touted "permanent delete" function, which turned out to be a scam—the scumbag company held on to every scumbag client's personal data, despite promising explicitly to wipe it from their scum servers. Well, if that threat comes to pass, cheaters, these screenshots from Facebook, Tinder, and Twitter should give you a little taste of what's in store for you when your duped loved ones find out.

If you have a moment, read the story about how these three women found each other and exposed this dude.

Cheating on your wife is only slightly worse than being a loud a-hole yelling at his bros on a train.(via)

Kevin: she just thinks it was "convo" so I'm still ahead. Winning. (via)

One is the loneliest number. Three is the worst, though. (via)

To lie about love is terrible. To lie about dogs is unforgivable. (via)

Srsly, those guys giving hickeys are so disrespectful of our soldiers abroad.(via)

Our lists are even better than BuzzFeed's, Meghan. We'll treat your revenge with the dignity it deserves.(via)

Johnny, you are a disgrace to Johnnys everywhere (namely, me).(via Failbook)

Beats getting an email from Ashley Madison hackers. (via)

Related: Tinder cheaters

Related: Facebook cheaters

Not only do we eat a lot of disgusting food, we also waste a lot of disgusting food. Like, a LOT. Yay America!

I do not mean to imply that Cap'n Crunch is disgusting; I know very little about the Cap'n's personal habits. (via YouTube)

Hello, America. You do not need me or John Oliver to tell you how f*cked our country's relationship with food often is, but maybe you do need someone to tell you exactly how much food we waste: 40%. An estimated 40% of all the food produced in our country ends up in the trash. This is in the same country where 41.9 million people are "food insecure," which is a delicate way of saying, "HOLY SHIT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS CAN'T GET ENOUGH TO EAT."

Obviously, John Oliver has some choice thoughts on the matter:

While Oliver dives deep as always, much of his piece does focus on how businesses can waste less food, rather than individuals (although seriously, you should follow his advice and ignore the "use by" dates on food; trust your nose to figure out whether something's good instead). I actually used to work for a frugal living site, and I can tell you from experience that there's a whole bunch of stuff you can do to reduce food waste that doesn't suck butt or require that you turn your apple peels into a tea and then take the apple-peel tea remnants and grind them up into an exfoliator or whatever. For example:

• Freeze half your leftovers instead of putting them all in the fridge. I don't care how good that chili is; you won't want to eat it for five days in a row. Instead, you'll probably start ignoring its presence in your fridge after day three, allowing it to develop a delightful mold coat. But if you put half that chili in the freezer, you can eat it in a month when it sounds awesome again.
• If you know you can't or don't want to take leftovers home from a restaurant, and you know you can't eat all of their standard portion, ask your waiter to bring you a smaller-than-normal amount of food. What are they going to say: "No! You have to eat ALL the fries?" They won't, because nobody would go to that dumb restaurant.
• If your fruit is getting a little too old to eat fresh, but it isn't moldy, cook it. Bananas can be made into banana bread, obviously, but other fruits have more life to them too. Berries or stone fruits can be made into awesome fruit syrups that are great on pancakes or ice cream (here's a basic recipe, although I like leaving the fruit solids in mine), or you can always bake them into pies or cakes.
• Don't buy all your foods in bulk. Costco saves you jack shit if you buy a giant block of cheddar and half of it goes moldy before you've used it.

That's it! Those are all the things you can do to stop wasting food.

J/K, you guys! That's just a start. The New York Times has a pretty good list of suggestions, so I suggest you head there next.

Dude. DUDE. DUDE!!!

HE WAS STILL DANCING WHEN HE KNOCKED HER OVER AGAIN.

Judging by the (garbled) introduction of "Miss Kelly (something? Gonzalez?) and Kevin Liu" (total guesses) and her blue dress, I don't think this was the bride and groom, but a bridesmaid and groomsman. Still...I don't think anyone at that reception wants that bouquet. That thing has to be cursed after enduring that.

Never has watching two people do The Stanky Leg conjured such different feelings.

Face. Off.

This should be obvious. Riley Curry, the 3-year-old daughter of NBA MVP Stephen Curry, has long had her image circulating around the Interwebs, because she frequently wows us with her insane adorableness. So you might think, duh, Riley whipped it and nae-naed (not sure that can be used as a verb, but I'm going for it) the competition into oblivion. Let's see:

This is 3!!! Happy birthday baby girl! Never a dull moment. You light up our lives and keep us on our toes. Mommy and daddy love you so much. Let's celebrate!
A video posted by Ayesha Curry (@ayeshacurry) on Jul 19, 2015 at 11:19am PDT

Wow. Unbelievable and, hands down, The Winner. Unless... Do you like getting creeped out?

Holy sh*t. When it comes to flawlessly executed dance moves by Uncanny Valley demons, this Incredibles' character completely nails it. While I enjoyed Riley's dance enormously, I didn't watch her with my faced twisted in horror, unable to look away for fear I'd conjure this nightmare into my waking life if I took my eyes off it for a moment.

Well, it was a trick question. We, the viewers, are the real winners in this competition. Because there was something for everyone! Now excuse me while I scream into a pillow.

When I first joined OKCupid, I learned something about romance that many others already knew: straight men constantly talk about Sriracha in their online dating profiles. (If you've been in a relationship for a long time, Sriracha is a type of Asian hot sauce.)

(via Flickr)

This was back in the simpler time of 2012, when swiping had not yet been invented and I was more engaged in the process of typing messages to strangers wearing chambrays in their profile pictures. But a recent perusal of OkCupid shows that the Sriracha obsession lives on. (I reactivated my account to investigate, so if I fall in love it's your dumb fault for reading this.)

So why does everyone talk about Sriracha? What is it code for? In the examples above, it seems like a culturally agreed upon reference that is a little more interesting than "family" but still far enough within millennial societal norms not to be risky or weird. Basically, it's a boring thing that's spicy.

After wading through a lot of Sriracha dissertations, I went on my first OKCupid date with a guy named something that every guy in their twenties is named. It's not even worth making up a fake name for this article. You can probably just guess what it is. He was an indie music publicist, which was such a movie character job, which I told him, which was a test, which he passed (by laughing). He messaged me and asked if I wanted to see a comedy show. Part of me didn't, because my motivation for trying online dating was to stop entering toxic dynamics with people I met through comedy. But part of me did, because when I repeat the same mistakes they feel familiar.

On our great and kind of awkward first date, we got drinks and walked around the East Village and kissed outside a subway stop. We ended up continuing to see each other for a couple months, but decrease some of how long you think that is because it was during the holidays and a rare city hurricane. He had been to my apartment a few times, but I had never been to his. There were a lot of reasons why. He had roommates he wasn't friendly with. He lived in a different part of Brooklyn and always offered to take the long subway ride to my neighborhood. Eventually, he admitted he was embarrassed that he had a twin bed. And if you carefully examine the subtext of our text messages, there was another reason too:

What do you think he was getting at here?

Finally, one weekend, we did go to his apartment. Yes, he had a twin bed, which he had warned me about. What he hadn't told me was that it was a glorified mattress on the floor. And something else was on the floor too: furniture. No, just kidding, there was no other furniture.

There was a bottle of Sriracha.

A bottle of Sriracha stood alone in its own spot on the floor. Why was it there? Was it carefully placed to signify that he's interesting but not weird? Did he need to keep it close to where he sleeps because it really was one of the six things he couldn't do without? Did he have to last-minute eat some emergency pho right before he left? Did he really not even put away open food containers even though he knew I was coming over? Is it just one of those mysteries of love? I guess we'll never know the answer, since that was the last time I saw him.

Related: On-Screen Romance: I hit rock bottom, logged onto Match.com, and met my husband.

Miley made an announcement last night the only way Miley knows how: via crazy Instagram post.

Fuck yeah VMAs!!!!! #VMAs on @MTV Aug 30 at 9pm
A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Jul 20, 2015 at 3:52pm PDT

Miley told the world that she'll be hosting the VMAs by posting the above splitscreen photo featuring herself in an alien costume. In the left portion of the image, a masked alien person holds a sign that says, "MTV won't let me perform." Then, on the right side, we find out that the now unmasked alien person is Miley herself, and her sign says "so I'm hosting this year's VMAS."

At first, I thought the alien before/after makeover was a reference to something really cool—possibly from, like, a Hozier song—that I was just too lame to know about. I was really hating myself. But as far as I can tell, this isn't really a reference to anything. She's just being Miley.

If you'll recall, Miley was a major contributor to the VMAs two years ago when this whole situation happened:

(via MTV)

According to my sources (the caption of the Instagram photo), the VMAs will be August 30 at 9 p.m. on MTV.

Taylor Swift says she got with Calvin Harris because of this tweet from Lady Gaga.

@taylorswift13 wow you're a sweetheart! Life is friends, family, and love! We all see that in you, your prince charming will come!
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) March 2, 2015

Huh. Seems like general well-wishes, but not according to Tay-Tay:

@alexandergold Go read Gaga's tweet that she sent me a few months ago. It's good love luck. Because it's not a tweet. It's a magical spell.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 18, 2015

I guess well-wishes could be a "spell," kind of. Like saying "gesundheit" might cause a sneezing person to have good health forever after. And if there's a pop singer who I think might actually have some connection to the dark arts, it's Lady Gaga. You definitely need black magic to get through the night wearing a meat dress.

Also, Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris look very in love. Must be magic:

Friendly relations between Scotland and America. @calvinharris
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 3, 2015 at 4:33pm PDT

And then Lady Gaga confirmed her sorcery:

.@taylorswift13 I only cast happy spells! Unless there's bad blood. I have a separate cauldron for that. Happy for u pic.twitter.com/SZNHZ1g1sK
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) July 18, 2015

Ariel! Wait, so is Lady Gaga the sea-witch, Ursula? LOOK OUT TAYLOR!!!!

This is a dramatization.(via Disney)

We are always being watched.

The blurred-out face of a lying man.(via Google Street View/Telegraph)

After he had a heart attack, Donald Ryding of Merseyside, England was told to adjust his diet and quit smoking. But his wife Julie Ryding knew he was not following the rules when she found cookie wrappers in his car. Next came the big reveal, when Julie looked at her house on Google Street View and saw her sneaky husband smoking in their driveway.

Julie told The Telegraph:

"I couldn't believe it - there was no denying it now we'd seen him smoking. When Street View first launched, they didn't blur out faces, but there was no need to with him - he was covered by a cloud of smoke anyway."

Donald was totally shocked by when he found out that Google and its all-seeing vehicular minions had blown up his spot, saying:

"I couldn't believe it when she got it up on the computer! I'm much healthier now as I'm out walking three miles every day. I'm still a bit overweight, but healthy."

Considering he didn't take his doctor's post-heart-attack advice very seriously, I don't believe this guy knows what "healthy" is, but I hope he is on his way to getting there.

While I was working at CBS, Ashley Madison's parent company publicly called me homophobic for not approving their crappy stunt of a Super Bowl ad.

Shhh...don't tell anyone we're the worst. (via AshleyMadison.com)

This week, Ashley Madison's parent company Avid Life Media confirmed that a team of hackers had breached security walls to obtain the personal information of 37 million members. The hackers are threatening to release private user information unless Avid Life takes down Ashley Madison—where married people can meet to have an affair—and another site, Established Men—where rich men can meet young, beautiful women.

I don't condone the release of people's personal information. What people are into privately is no one else's business. But man, am I experiencing some joy in seeing Avid Life Media and their CEO Noel Biderman scramble this week. You see, Noel Biderman doesn't know who I am. But Noel Biderman and I have beef.

For nearly 10 years, I supported myself by working in Television Standards & Practices. For the uninitiated, S&P is the department in charge of making sure that all content adheres to the guidelines of what the network deems acceptable for viewers. S&P people press the button when someone at an award show says “shit." They assign those ratings that pop up at the beginning of TV shows that you probably don't pay attention to. Every once in a while, Dan Harmon shows us some love by Instagramming a note where we ask him to lose a bunch of F-words.

A photo posted by Dan Harmon (@danharmon) on Jun 18, 2015 at 6:13pm PDT

On TV, we are both the angry suits in Studio 60 and the sweet, hapless Kenneth on 30 Rock. The truth is that S&P people fall somewhere in between. Most of us don't wear suits and only some of us are mountain people. Standards & Practices is a job. I fell into it because I wanted to be a TV writer. It was 2005, I'd just graduated college, and Turner Broadcasting wanted to hire me. I wasn't one of those lucky people whose parents could fund a few underemployed years in New York or LA.

People assume that the folks who work in Standards & Practices are unfunny stiffs who are offended by everything. That's not true. An S&P worker's entire job is to watch TV and take detailed notes when they see an actress's underboob. I once had a conference call with a team of passionate producers who made me listen to 10 fart sounds, so I could choose the one that was the least wet.

Most of us have a sense of humor. If we were the kind of people who were personally offended by the shit you see on TV, we couldn't work in S&P.

Which brings me to the worst week of my life—and my beef with Avid Life Media. It was January 2010. I was working at CBS in New York, and part of my job was to review advertising. CBS was gearing up for Super Bowl XLIV. The networks airing the Super Bowl take their review of advertising very seriously. There are a lot of people watching that game. Including the kind of people who are likely to be offended by the shit they see on TV. Do you remember how upset people were about Janet Jackson's nipple? CBS does, too. And they will never forget it.

That bitterly cold week in January, Avid Life Media submitted this ad for their gay hook-up site ManCrunch.

I didn't immediately respond to them. As days passed, the site's spokesperson Elissa Buchter told CNBC: “We've been unable to get a response. I think they're just going to stall as long as they can, so it doesn't appear as if they are rejecting the ad." The implication, of course, was that CBS was homophobic. What other possible reason could there be to not approve an ad celebrating a loving, gay relationship?

This is the reason: My dad died. Yes, that week. Out of the blue. He was 61.

When my dad died, there were a lot of difficult things I had to do. I had to find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I had to call my boss and tell him that I would not be coming to work, because my father was dead. I had to drive with my husband the 12 hours to North Carolina to be with my mother and brother. I had to stay there, in the house I grew up in, realizing that life would never be the same.

There is one thing that I did not have to do. And that is: Check my work email.

No, I did not check my work email the week my father died. And I didn't see, until a week later, that Noel Biderman and Avid Life Media were throwing a shit fit, because I hadn't looked at their shoddy Super Bowl ad.

By then, they were really thrilled with CBS's—and my—non-response. It's exactly what they wanted. Avid Life Media has been accused of a particularly obnoxious advertising tactic. Allegedly, Avid Life produces TV ads that are designed to be rejected, submits them to the networks—usually to air during major event like the Academy Awards or yes, the Super Bowl—and then, when the network invariably rejects it, they go to the press. They express mock outrage. How dare they reject our beautiful ad? Avid Life Media walks away with all of the press without having to pay for any of the airtime.

A quick search brings about more examples: Ashley Madison in the Super Bowl and Ashley Madison in the Oscars.

When I returned to work, I sent a report to reject the ManCrunch ad. Within the hour, my confidential report had been forwarded to dozens of press outlets, along with a press release that had clearly been ready to go for days. My name and phone number were attached.

I was 26. I was crying in bed, grieving for my father. My husband was in the next room, collecting all of the articles that used my full name and branded me a homophobe. According to Avid Life, CBS had proven once and for all, we would not air an ad with a gay kiss.

Yes, we rejected the ad. But here's the shocker. It wasn't because it showed two men kissing. As I said, S&P people aren't offended by much. Here is what I am offended by: The exploitation of discriminated people to further your own financial gain.

Take a look at that ad. The entire premise is how funny and weird it is that two guys would make out. How gross, right? Behind them, spot the “No Entry" and Stop signs.

Gay sex is reduced to a ploy for cheap laughs. And just in case you didn't get it, they included a guy at the end to serve as the audience proxy to find the coupling weird and uncomfortable.

But what if CBS didn't have a problem with that? Avid Life hedged their bets by dressing the actors in Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings jerseys. In order to show NFL jerseys, clients have to spend a lot of money to obtain licensing. Now, I'm not saying that Avid Life didn't spend a fortune to use those jerseys. But I will say that they definitely didn't send me any releases.

Furthermore, I've seen better-looking video produced with an iPhone. Avid Life claimed they spent $100,000 to make this ad. Noel Biderman? If you're reading this, please shoot me an email. I have a VHS camcorder. I'd gladly produce your next ad, and I'd only charge you $50k!

In the end, Avid Life Media got what they wanted. They got a lot of free publicity at CBS's and my expense. Having my name out there in a way that I couldn't control—and also in a way that didn't accurately reflect my own beliefs—sucked. At a time when life, for me, already really sucked. I also wasn't allowed to talk to the press at the time, no matter who called, and that really, really sucked.

I believe in karma, guys. I don't think it always works the way we'd want it to. And I also don't think we're punished for every mistake we make. But I do think that if you build your life on exploiting and hurting people, you will see the result of your actions.

Avid Life Media is a gross company that encourages people's grossest behavior and follows gross business practices. Ashley Madison? CougarLife? These sites aren't there to help people. Ashley Madison's motto is: Life is too short. Have an Affair.

Hey, Noel Biderman. Life is short. My dad taught me that the hard way. Here's a better motto: Life is too short. Don't be a dick.

Sousaphonist Matt Buck trolled a South Carolina KKK rally using his very specific set of skills.

On Saturday, July 18, a group of Ku Klux Klansmen and neo-Nazis (AKA Nazi poseurs) rallied at the South Carolina State House in support of the Confederate flag. Their message was that the flag is a symbol of heritage, not hate – although their position was undermined somewhat by the fact that they're a hate group.

Matt Buck decided that the KKK needed some tunes for their march, and he had just the thing: a sousaphone. He gave them the full oom-pah treatment, which should have come as a treat, considering how much they love German culture. His version of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" is particularly inspired. The whole thing was caught on video and has gone viral for obvious reasons. Who doesn't love to see skinheads waddling in time to a tuba?

The brand will be marketed toward nightmares who want to dress like daydreams.

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 1, 2014 at 2:37pm PST

Taylor Swift is launching a clothing line, just like we've been scrolling through her Instagram and dreaming about. According to CNN Money, the clothing will only be available on JD.com, a Chinese website. But what about the USA? You know, that country from the flags on Taylor Swift's July 4th party towels?

Swift will be putting her name on dresses, sweatshirts, and tops. And probably a lot of outfits with this silhouette:

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 7, 2014 at 3:43pm PST

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 13, 2015 at 11:04pm PDT

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 8, 2015 at 4:52pm PDT

Is America still a superpower?

Imagine a world where epic water balloon fights are only a minute away. It's up to you to decide if that's a dream or a nightmare.

Bunch O Balloons is a truly ingenious invention. The brainchild of Josh Malone, it's really pretty simple: a plug connects to a water tap, which fills a number of water balloons all at once. When the balloons are full enough, they dislodge easily from the contraption, automatically tied and ready to be hurled at your dad while he's trying to grill.

Now that Bunch O Balloons exists, there's no question it will permanently change the way the world wages balloon warfare. But will that change be for good or evil? I'm reminded of this quote from J. Robert Oppenheimer, one of the inventors of the atomic bomb, describing the moment after the first successful test:

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that one way or another.

I wonder if Josh Malone thought anything like that. His invention, while freeing kids from the time-consuming need to tediously fill and tie water balloons one by one, has simultaneously doomed the world to devastating water wars on a scale never before seen. Can he live knowing he's responsible for all those wet little faces and soaked t-shirts? I'm not sure I could.

They're too young. They have no idea what horrors await them.
(via Bunch O Balloons)

There's also the issue of proliferation. Every barbecue and rogue state on the planet is going to want to arm itself with Bunch O Balloons, leading to a strong possibility of mutually assured dampness. The demand is already high – Malone's Kickstarter funded the project in only 12 hours, and the first prototypes are already being shipped to donors.

Would you buy Bunch O Balloons for your kids? Would that make you a monster? Leave that one to the history books. Until then, cry "havoc!" and let slip the soggy bags of war.

A new study suggests that men who are bad at gaming are far more likely to lash out against women in games. Huh.

In other news, the sun is very hot on the surface.(via PLOS One)

The furor of #Gamergate, a cesspool of Internet gaming trolls who have been harassing women online in the name of "integrity in gaming journalism" has died down somewhat in the media. That doesn't mean Internet harassment has died down, by any means. As long as people can hide behind muscular avatars, there will be men hunting and harassing women, especially in a pastime with a huge gender disparity like gaming.

One funny thing about this ugliness has been discovered in a study conducted by Michael Kasumovic and Jeffrey Kuznekoff, researchers at the University of New South Wales and Miami University. It's entitled, "Insights into Sexism: Male Status and Performance Moderates Female-Directed Hostile and Amicable Behavior." Blah, blah, tell it to me in English, doc!

"We hypothesized that female-initiated disruption of a male hierarchy incites hostile behavior from poor performing males who stand to lose the most status. To test this hypothesis, we used an online first-person shooter video game [Editor: Halo 3!!!] ... We show that lower-skilled players were more hostile towards a female-voiced teammate, especially when performing poorly. In contrast, lower-skilled players behaved submissively towards a male-voiced player in the identical scenario.

"This difference in gender-directed behavior became more extreme with poorer focal-player performance. We suggest that low-status males increase female-directed hostility to minimize the loss of status as a consequence of hierarchical reconfiguration resulting from the entrance of a woman into the competitive arena. Higher-skilled players, in contrast, were more positive towards a female relative to a male teammate. As higher-skilled players have less to fear from hierarchical reorganization, we argue that these males behave more positively in an attempt to support and garner a female player's attention."

TL;DR When women join a competitive game, the "normal" hierarchy is being disrupted, with guys who have always been sh*tty at video games looking even shittier as skilled ladies surpass them. Guys who are already at the top don't care, because they keep being great and their status stays pretty much the same. In fact, they see it as beneficial to themselves to be supportive (you may have heard this described at "White Knighting," but the better terminology would be "not being an asshole"). The lousy male players act like the bad-tempered primates they are, and start slinging poop (death threats). But only at the women. Of course.

Well, ladies, what you already knew is scientifically confirmed: when a guy calls you a whore online, it's because he's a total loser.

Pet-crastination is a serious issue.

Wouldn't your dog die if they actually ate your homework? (via Imgur)

Pets are masters of comic timing. They're so good, in fact, that I can't help but think they're self-aware. You'll start working on something, and the second you're in the zone, they always find a way to interrupt you in the cutest way possible. You want to get angry, but they're so damn adorable that you can't. Here's a tribute to all the great pet interruptions we could find on the Internet.

1) This cat gives zero fucks about interrupting his owner's self-produced Lego advertisement.

Sidenote: I Internet-stalked the guy from the video, and now he's my new hero:

[Sam] teaches courses in Public Speaking, Interpersonal Communication, Business Communication, and Rock & Roll History, and he earned an Outstanding Professor of the Year Award from NKU in April, 2011. Sam lives in Burlington, KY with his wife, 2 kids, and cats, and he enjoys playing volleyball, cheering for the Reds, and building with Legos.

2) Pulling an all-nighter is tough.

"Someone slip an Adderall into my pellets." (via Imgur)

3) You want to exercise when it's snowing? Think again.

"I'm taking a stand. Get on that couch and use the weather as an excuse to act like a slob, you know, like a normal person." (via Imgur)

4) Check out this brand new pencil holder.

This pup is holding your homework hostage. The ransom? 100 belly rubs. (via Imgur)

5) Music doesn't come from the page. It comes from your heart, and out of your beak.

"I'm a B-flat parakeet. You know I can't sing F-sharp minor! " (via Imgur)

6) This dog really wants your attention.

"Don't make me shit on your laptop." (via Imgur)

7) Who says a hedgehog can't be versed in classical antiquity?

"The treatment of hedgehogs in 7th-century Greece is just disgusting." (via Imgur)

8) You are actually the one distracting this dog.

"Not now, honey, I have work to do." (via Imgur)

9) This cat found the comfiest bed in the whole house.

Those eyes scream, "I dare you to try and lean forward."(via Imgur)

10) A squirrel driver is better than a GPS.

"Turn left, and then right, and then drive up that tree." (via Imgur)

11) This lil' pup literally ate your homework.

This dog is a walking stereotype. (via Imgur)

12) A Ti-83 makes the perfect duck bed.

You can use it to calculate the bill. (via Imgur)

13) This cat has laid claim to the sports section.

This Sunday's paper features an interactive exposé on cats. (via Imgur)

14) This dog wants to protect his master from the dangers of screen-induced eye strain.

"It's important to take breaks from work. Here, let me help you out with my crotch."
(via reddit)

15) Someone watched Air Bud one too many times.

While I was working at CBS, Ashley Madison's parent company publicly called me homophobic for not approving their crappy stunt of a Super Bowl ad.

Shhh...don't tell anyone we're the worst. (via AshleyMadison.com)

This week, Ashley Madison's parent company Avid Life Media confirmed that a team of hackers had breached security walls to obtain the personal information of 37 million members. The hackers are threatening to release private user information unless Avid Life takes down Ashley Madison—where married people can meet to have an affair—and another site, Established Men—where rich men can meet young, beautiful women.

I don't condone the release of people's personal information. What people are into privately is no one else's business. But man, am I experiencing some joy in seeing Avid Life Media and their CEO Noel Biderman scramble this week. You see, Noel Biderman doesn't know who I am. But Noel Biderman and I have beef.

For nearly 10 years, I supported myself by working in Television Standards & Practices. For the uninitiated, S&P is the department in charge of making sure that all content adheres to the guidelines of what the network deems acceptable for viewers. S&P people press the button when someone at an award show says “shit." They assign those ratings that pop up at the beginning of TV shows that you probably don't pay attention to. Every once in a while, Dan Harmon shows us some love by Instagramming a note where we ask him to lose a bunch of F-words.

A photo posted by Dan Harmon (@danharmon) on Jun 18, 2015 at 6:13pm PDT

On TV, we are both the angry suits in Studio 60 and the sweet, hapless Kenneth on 30 Rock. The truth is that S&P people fall somewhere in between. Most of us don't wear suits and only some of us are mountain people. Standards & Practices is a job. I fell into it because I wanted to be a TV writer. It was 2005, I'd just graduated college, and Turner Broadcasting wanted to hire me. I wasn't one of those lucky people whose parents could fund a few underemployed years in New York or LA.

People assume that the folks who work in Standards & Practices are unfunny stiffs who are offended by everything. That's not true. An S&P worker's entire job is to watch TV and take detailed notes when they see an actress's underboob. I once had a conference call with a team of passionate producers who made me listen to 10 fart sounds, so I could choose the one that was the least wet.

Most of us have a sense of humor. If we were the kind of people who were personally offended by the shit you see on TV, we couldn't work in S&P.

Which brings me to the worst week of my life—and my beef with Avid Life Media. It was January 2010. I was working at CBS in New York, and part of my job was to review advertising. CBS was gearing up for Super Bowl XLIV. The networks airing the Super Bowl take their review of advertising very seriously. There are a lot of people watching that game. Including the kind of people who are likely to be offended by the shit they see on TV. Do you remember how upset people were about Janet Jackson's nipple? CBS does, too. And they will never forget it.

That bitterly cold week in January, Avid Life Media submitted this ad for their gay hook-up site ManCrunch.

I didn't immediately respond to them. As days passed, the site's spokesperson Elissa Buchter told CNBC: “We've been unable to get a response. I think they're just going to stall as long as they can, so it doesn't appear as if they are rejecting the ad." The implication, of course, was that CBS was homophobic. What other possible reason could there be to not approve an ad celebrating a loving, gay relationship?

This is the reason: My dad died. Yes, that week. Out of the blue. He was 61.

When my dad died, there were a lot of difficult things I had to do. I had to find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I had to call my boss and tell him that I would not be coming to work, because my father was dead. I had to drive with my husband the 12 hours to North Carolina to be with my mother and brother. I had to stay there, in the house I grew up in, realizing that life would never be the same.

There is one thing that I did not have to do. And that is: Check my work email.

No, I did not check my work email the week my father died. And I didn't see, until a week later, that Noel Biderman and Avid Life Media were throwing a shit fit, because I hadn't looked at their shoddy Super Bowl ad.

By then, they were really thrilled with CBS's—and my—non-response. It's exactly what they wanted. Avid Life Media has been accused of a particularly obnoxious advertising tactic. Allegedly, Avid Life produces TV ads that are designed to be rejected, submits them to the networks—usually to air during major event like the Academy Awards or yes, the Super Bowl—and then, when the network invariably rejects it, they go to the press. They express mock outrage. How dare they reject our beautiful ad? Avid Life Media walks away with all of the press without having to pay for any of the airtime.

A quick search brings about more examples: Ashley Madison in the Super Bowl and Ashley Madison in the Oscars.

When I returned to work, I sent a report to reject the ManCrunch ad. Within the hour, my confidential report had been forwarded to dozens of press outlets, along with a press release that had clearly been ready to go for days. My name and phone number were attached.

I was 26. I was crying in bed, grieving for my father. My husband was in the next room, collecting all of the articles that used my full name and branded me a homophobe. According to Avid Life, CBS had proven once and for all, we would not air an ad with a gay kiss.

Yes, we rejected the ad. But here's the shocker. It wasn't because it showed two men kissing. As I said, S&P people aren't offended by much. Here is what I am offended by: The exploitation of discriminated people to further your own financial gain.

Take a look at that ad. The entire premise is how funny and weird it is that two guys would make out. How gross, right? Behind them, spot the “No Entry" and Stop signs.

Gay sex is reduced to a ploy for cheap laughs. And just in case you didn't get it, they included a guy at the end to serve as the audience proxy to find the coupling weird and uncomfortable.

But what if CBS didn't have a problem with that? Avid Life hedged their bets by dressing the actors in Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings jerseys. In order to show NFL jerseys, clients have to spend a lot of money to obtain licensing. Now, I'm not saying that Avid Life didn't spend a fortune to use those jerseys. But I will say that they definitely didn't send me any releases.

Furthermore, I've seen better-looking video produced with an iPhone. Avid Life claimed they spent $100,000 to make this ad. Noel Biderman? If you're reading this, please shoot me an email. I have a VHS camcorder. I'd gladly produce your next ad, and I'd only charge you $50k!

In the end, Avid Life Media got what they wanted. They got a lot of free publicity at CBS's and my expense. Having my name out there in a way that I couldn't control—and also in a way that didn't accurately reflect my own beliefs—sucked. At a time when life, for me, already really sucked. I also wasn't allowed to talk to the press at the time, no matter who called, and that really, really sucked.

I believe in karma, guys. I don't think it always works the way we'd want it to. And I also don't think we're punished for every mistake we make. But I do think that if you build your life on exploiting and hurting people, you will see the result of your actions.

Avid Life Media is a gross company that encourages people's grossest behavior and follows gross business practices. Ashley Madison? CougarLife? These sites aren't there to help people. Ashley Madison's motto is: Life is too short. Have an Affair.

Hey, Noel Biderman. Life is short. My dad taught me that the hard way. Here's a better motto: Life is too short. Don't be a dick.