Please be our guest for some state-sanctioned girl-on-girl nuptials.

November 20, 2013, 8:56 am

≫ Next: I would travel by bus for you.

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I would travel by bus for you.

November 20, 2013, 9:39 am

≫ Next: I'd love to see you over Thanksgiving if it's not too depressing for you to see someone who still lives in our hometown.

≪ Previous: Please be our guest for some state-sanctioned girl-on-girl nuptials.

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I'd love to see you over Thanksgiving if it's not too depressing for you to see someone who still lives in our hometown.

November 20, 2013, 12:23 pm

≫ Next: Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who lives in a part of the country where no one knows what Hanukkah is.

≪ Previous: I would travel by bus for you.

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Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who lives in a part of the country where no one knows what Hanukkah is.

November 20, 2013, 1:55 pm

≫ Next: Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with anyone else.

≪ Previous: I'd love to see you over Thanksgiving if it's not too depressing for you to see someone who still lives in our hometown.

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Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with anyone else.

November 20, 2013, 2:37 pm

≫ Next: I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother is a drunk whore too.

≪ Previous: Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who lives in a part of the country where no one knows what Hanukkah is.

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I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother is a drunk whore too.

November 20, 2013, 5:01 pm

≫ Next: Sorry your girlfriend is too young to sit with us at the adult table this Thanksgiving.

≪ Previous: Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with anyone else.

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Sorry your girlfriend is too young to sit with us at the adult table this Thanksgiving.

November 21, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I wish the Hunger Games sequel was a death match between the people who disagree about Jennifer Lawrence's short haircut.

≪ Previous: I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother is a drunk whore too.

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I wish the Hunger Games sequel was a death match between the people who disagree about Jennifer Lawrence's short haircut.

November 21, 2013, 8:23 am

≫ Next: Allow me to apologize in advance for what I will do to your bathroom on Thanksgiving.

≪ Previous: Sorry your girlfriend is too young to sit with us at the adult table this Thanksgiving.

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Allow me to apologize in advance for what I will do to your bathroom on Thanksgiving.

November 21, 2013, 9:11 am

≫ Next: Let's kick off the holiday season by sitting in a dark theater watching teenagers murder each other.

≪ Previous: I wish the Hunger Games sequel was a death match between the people who disagree about Jennifer Lawrence's short haircut.

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Let's kick off the holiday season by sitting in a dark theater watching teenagers murder each other.

November 21, 2013, 10:07 am

≫ Next: Introducing the most threateningly amusing way to get someone's attention.

≪ Previous: Allow me to apologize in advance for what I will do to your bathroom on Thanksgiving.

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Introducing the most threateningly amusing way to get someone's attention.

November 21, 2013, 12:17 pm

≫ Next: Let's get high school drunk.

≪ Previous: Let's kick off the holiday season by sitting in a dark theater watching teenagers murder each other.

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Let's get high school drunk.

November 21, 2013, 1:35 pm

≫ Next: I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight.

≪ Previous: Introducing the most threateningly amusing way to get someone's attention.

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I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight.

November 21, 2013, 1:57 pm

≫ Next: Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

≪ Previous: Let's get high school drunk.

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Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

November 22, 2013, 5:25 am

≫ Next: Of the vast number of people I report to at work, you're my favorite.

≪ Previous: I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight.

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Of the vast number of people I report to at work, you're my favorite.

November 22, 2013, 8:18 am

≫ Next: Happy birthday to someone so old they've forgotten where they were when JFK was assassinated.

≪ Previous: Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

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Happy birthday to someone so old they've forgotten where they were when JFK was assassinated.

November 22, 2013, 10:09 am

≫ Next: I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

≪ Previous: Of the vast number of people I report to at work, you're my favorite.

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I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

November 22, 2013, 12:10 pm

≫ Next: Just thought I'd mimic retailers by wishing you a Merry Christmas before Thanksgiving.

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to someone so old they've forgotten where they were when JFK was assassinated.

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Just thought I'd mimic retailers by wishing you a Merry Christmas before Thanksgiving.

November 23, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

≪ Previous: I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

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Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

November 24, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I'm thankful that I only have to fake working for two days this week.

≪ Previous: Just thought I'd mimic retailers by wishing you a Merry Christmas before Thanksgiving.

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I'm thankful that I only have to fake working for two days this week.

November 25, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Let me know where you're headed for lunch so I don't accidentally join you.

≪ Previous: Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

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