Pelagios Kakunja, a marine research group based in Isla Guadalupe, posted a video of what is allegedly the world's biggest Great White Shark.
If you punch it in the nose, it will probably still kill you. (via Facebook)
The video, which claims that this is the biggest shark ever filmed, was posted on Facebook on Monday, and it already has over 2.1 million views. It was taken in 2013, when Pelagios Kakunja, a marine research group, was capturing footage for a 2014 Discovery Channel documentary on Great Whites. The shark has been named "Deep Blue," and is estimated to be 50 years old and 20 feet long. Researchers have also suggested that she's pregnant with giant baby sharks. Check out the video below, and prostrate yourself in fear for the coming sharkpocalypse.
Prosecutors say Justin Bellanco violated a restraining order by "liking" photos and videos on his ex-girlfriend's page.
Everybody looks creepy when they use a computer while wearing glasses. (stock photo)
This is a good example of a story that seems crazy at first, and then becomes a less fun kind of crazy the more you read. According to Northeastern Pennsylvania's Times Leader, 26-year-old Justin Bellanco was arraigned on Tuesday for violating a no-contact restraining order filed by his ex-girlfriend, April Holland. The form of contact was Facebook, still the best social network for creeping on your ex.
Bellanco had clicked "like" on 22 photos and videos on Holland's Facebook page since the restraining order was filed on August 4th. This guy didn't even wait a week! He should have also been charged with looking thirsty. Also, I'm not sure why Holland didn't just block him, especially considering why she got the restraining order in the first place.
Social media used to seem so wholesome. (Getty)
A judge granted the order, which forbids Bellanco from contacting Holland for a year, after she reported that he had been stalking and harassing her and her friends. He even threatened the shoot her in the kneecap to watch her suffer, which is one of the classic relationship red flags. Holland also reported that she saw Bellanco lurking around City Hall after her hearing. So really, Facebook is the least creepy part of this story.
In an ironic twist, court records show that in April 2014, Bellanco obtained a PFA (protection from abuse order) against Holland, claiming that she choked him during a domestic dispute. That PFA expired in April 2015, at which point he wasted no time in abusing her again. I really think both of them need to move on. I recommend Internet dating.
No, it's Tom Brady! Courtrooms are only fun these days because they're one of the only places where people still can't really take selfies. Otherwise we'd see Tom Brady with the judge in the background on his Instagram. It's much more fun to rely on the skills and vivid imaginations of sketch artists, and this image is perfect for that. It sparked the Internet's imagination immediately. Daniel Victor of The New York Times even reached out to the artist to ask, "What the hell?":
"I wasn't having a very good game...but this guy's beautiful singing kept me going."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4DG1flAYac
We've all heard the stereotypes of how gamers playing first-person shooters talk to (or rather, yell at) each other. Slurs flying everywhere, accusations of n00bness, and a general atmosphere of middle-school locker room verbal abuse. Forget all of that. Apparently, while everyone else is trying to kill the opposing team, sometimes players forget their headsets are on and un-self-consciously sing Coldplay tunes while their teammates appreciate the impromptu concert. Then, they compliment the singer on their beautiful voice. Gaming is a wonderful, supportive community.
Donald Trump traveled to Michigan to give a talk on Tuesday. At some point in his speech, he was making a point that required him to do the following:
What's the context for this clip? I have no idea, and I don't care. I'm too transfixed by his binging and his bonging. And if watching it over and over doesn't put you in a psuedo-psychotic trance, watch this remix by Jonathan Mann, which is not getting enough attention:
Like electricity, old ladies move from point A to point B in the straightest line possible without regard to who may be recording a music video in between.
There is no context for this video. Young women are trying to make an amateur dance video. An old lady doesn't give a shit. Time is a serpent, eating its own tail. Things are as they ever were. The cycle goes on and on, forever.
Obligatory "there's a bug" joke, which isn't really a joke, since that's actually how they got the name. The first computers used big glass vacuum tubes as transistors. Sometimes bugs would find their way into the tubes and die, preventing electrical signals from crossing the vacuum gap. Engineers would have to go inside the computer and literally find the bugs.
Anyway, the upside of this horrorshow is that it made me remember the 1996 MTV short film Joe's Apartment.
When Target announced that it would get rid of gender separation in some departments, people took to their Facebook page to complain about the "PUSSIFICATION." And fake Target customer service rep Ask ForHelp was there to answer them.
That's a fair offer.
Just as we know that the sun rises and sets each day, we also know that when a company makes a cool, inclusive shift in company policy, it's inevitable that dumb-dumbs will complain about it on the Internet. So when Target announced that it would be removing the gender specifications from some areas of the store targeted at kids (like toys and home goods), people started posting on the company's Facebook page about how it was a sissy move and an affront to God, because apparently God hates sissies and loves toy aisles that differentiate between "building sets" and "building sets for girls". (I guess I left Sunday School before I got to the part of the Bible that talks about rules for store aisles. Does anybody know how God feels about having the produce on the right side of the grocery store versus the left side?)
Anyway, one person who saw the posts on Target's Facebook wall was "pot-stirrer" Mike Melgaard. Melgaard decided to put his pot-stirring efforts to work with a fake Target customer service account, Ask ForHelp. For a glorious 16 hours before the account was squashed, Melgaard responded to all sorts of offensive comments with unhelpful "help." Selections from Ask ForHelp are below, because yes, there are stupid questions.
While your stupidity is deeply hidden, sir.
I like seeing my options on the shelf too.
Actually, there's just going to be one section in the middle of the store called "Clothes Pile."
Using the same toilet as a woman is SCARY. What if she left some estrogen in it and you grow boobies?!
This logic trap will appear on a future version of the SAT.
What I'm hearing is: less cars in the parking lot. Thanks, Kevin!
Get this motherf*cking pussification off my motherf*cking plane!
How are they loosening 80% of customers? Ooh! Is Target giving free massages?
You know what PT Barnum said: "There's a neutral born every minute!"
Good. If he had said he liked the boring toys, I wouldn't trust him.
Yeah, stop sissifying our nation! Let's all rev our car engines and drink until we can't complain!
The Foo Fighters often cover Rush's "Tom Sawyer" during concerts. There are some tricky high notes in it, which was no problem for Brian of Edmonton.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDWfMv3BloE
Usually, to be in the audience at a concert is synonymous with being anonymous. Not so for Brian of Edmonton, who shall live on forever as a giant among Foo Fighter fans (and Rush fans). When he was called onstage by Dave Grohl at a concert in Edmonton, Alberta, I'm sure Grohl and the entire audience expected to chuckle good-naturedly as an amateur tried his mediocre best to reproduce the powerful vocals of Geddy Lee, lead singer of Rush. Indeed, Grohl himself said when handing him the mic, "Welcome to my nightmare." That turned out to be prophetic, as Grohl's nightmare might well be giving the microphone to an audience member and getting outshined. Here are two more versions of the video, which were collected by redditor Venius157.
Tortoise, I do not support your life of crime, but I do have some advice: you're never going to get away with a burglary moving that slowly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u94tTCo5hKk
Technically, this tortoise, named Joy, lives at the house in this video. But we all know that Joy is just practicing at home in order to break into other houses, right? All she needs is a little mask and maybe a tortoise-sized gun.
That old phrase that cops say really is true: "You never suspect the tortoise."
A 20-year-old Swiss man set his $200,000 sports car on fire in a truly half-assed insurance scheme.
Nothing burns like an Italian car. (via Augsburg Police)
If your hobbies include feeling self-righteous anger against the 1%, today is your lucky day. The hate in this story is uncut and pure.
In March of 2014, a Swiss man went to a dealership to get his Ferrari 458 Italia valued. The car had been a gift from his father, a wealthy Zurich businessman, to go with his 14 other cars, including a Lamborghini. He was taking it to the dealership because, like all rich boys with their playthings, he had grown tired of it and wanted a new one. Unfortunately, the Ferrari was valued at a measly $193,500, not enough to cover the cost of a brand new replacement 458 Speciale.
One of the dealers, with all of the class and integrity you'd expect of a sports car pusher, suggested he burn the car for the insurance money. The young dauphin agreed, and hired three accomplices to help him, including one from the dealership. They took the car to Augsberg in Germany to allay suspicion, and two of the accomplices set it ablaze while the owner and the other culprit were getting massages. Unfortunately, the whole thing was caught on a security camera.
Now it's only worth $100,000. (via Augsburg Police)
The information on this case has just come to light, because the German trial was concluded last week in Augsburg. The 20-year-old was sentenced to 22 months probation and given a $33,000 fine, which is probably a smaller amount of money than he's ever seen before. The accomplices were given probations of 14-16 months each. Kind of a slap on the wrist, but then again, these people are above the law.
In court, the young man admitted that all this happened because he didn't have the courage to tell his father he didn't like the Ferrari anymore. But it's OK. I'm pretty sure he got the message.
Eating this burrito will have the same effect as taking a horse sedative.(via Apartment List)
And he's not just trying to figure out how to get a huge burrito: he's trying to figure out how to do it at NO EXTRA COST. You might call it a "hack." He explains his methodology thusly:
Every day for about two weeks, I, the intern, set off to the same Chipotle around 3 P.M. to order five of the same burritos from the same shift of workers. The control burrito I compared everything to was a white rice, black beans, chicken, mild salsa, and cheese burrito. I excluded guacamole and sour cream from all burritos so that separating ingredients wouldn’t be such a hellish nightmare that would make me cry into the burrito and mess up the data. The weights I use are an average across these five burritos. Yes, that does mean I ordered 35 burritos.
So, how do we get this magnificent burrito beast? he's helpfully outlined the steps:
Yes, what's not mentioned is how hard it is to wrap your own burrito (we outsource that to the burrito technician for a reason) and also how eating this enormous thing might kill you dead on the spot, it's so huge. At the very least you'll be in a food coma so deep, Snow White will be like, "Is she okay?"
And the calories! Having them up on the menu was a real wake-up call for all of us. Take care of yourselves...and each other. Friends don't let friends order an 86% larger burrito at Chipotle.
A McDonald's commercial from 2002 showed the Republican candidate at his most presidential.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4QNXnNftWk
Trump/Grimace '16? At this point, it seems like an inevitability. Trump's ominous "We could own this town" line says it all. He's just set his sights higher these days, like on the whole country. And when you think about it, Grimace is perfect to run alongside him as his vice presidential candidate.
Grimace adds everything Trump lacks to the ticket: likability, gravitas, public speaking skills… plus he's never said anything offensive about women or Mexicans (that we know of), even though he was originally introduced to the McDonaldland universe as a villain!
He even had four arms he used to steal milkshakes. True story. (via Wikia)
Then again, Grimace's change from bad to good could be seen as a flip-flop. That's one thing you've got to hand Trump. He's always been a villain.
The Internet is a minefield of terrible grammar. Each week, Someecards' resident English teacher Matt Cheplic is here to clear the mines—or die trying.
Battle lines were drawn this week in the always-spirited comments section of FoxNews.com, thanks to Donald Trump's remarks about Megyn Kelly's line of questioning during the Republican debate. While one could predict the content of many postings (insults for Obama, predictions for 2016, time-honored "Trump" puns), some of the misogyny and menstruation-themed attacks were downright inspired in their sociopathy.
But the most original combination of words probably came from one noble soul, who stood up for Kelly and called for sanity...but bloodied the nose of the English language in the process.
In the spirit of the robust field of GOP presidential hopefuls, I hereby declare that three of those four sentences are in the running for Most Grammatically Horrifying!
First off, there's this recurring bit of strangeness:
Perhaps this person in better pay closer attention to properly constructed sentences to make her future posts in better.
I can't help but think "thst t" is actually some kind of secret code. Maybe the sentence means "How did terrifying hate speech turn titillating..."
It's hard to criticize any entreaty to read and comprehend. Unfortunately, it's even harder to read and comprehend this.
Look at that cat! I'd describe him as 26 years YOUNG. He recently acquired the title of Oldest Living Cat from Guinness World Records after the previous champion, Tiffany Two, passed on to the great scratch post in the sky at 27 years, 2 months and 20 days. He's taking the news well:
Will Corduroy usurp Tiffany Two's position completely and live another year, 2 months and 21 days? Even if he does, it won't matter, because the actual longest-living cat ever recorded was Crème Puff, who was born in 1967 and lived until 2005, when she was finally allowed to pass on to the next life at 38 years and 3 days. I looked Crème Puff up on Wikipedia, and she was a Parisian animal whose litter-mate, Granpa, lived to be 34. Apparently, their owner Jack Perry fed them a diet of bacon, eggs, asparagus, and broccoli. French people and their wacky diets!
If you're reading this and thinking, "I'm older than this cat, what's the big deal?" then keep in mind the average lifespan for a housecat is only 15. Live until you're 200, then call me. Meanwhile, Corduroy is celebrating the only way a cat knows how. By eating other, smaller animals.
Rihanna, winner of every season of life, is joining 'The Voice' next season.
So wise. So bright like a diamond. (via Instagram)
According to Entertainment Weekly, Rihanna will be a "key advisor" assisting the show's coaches (Gwen Stefani, Parrell Williams, Blake Shelton, and Adam Levine). Oh, to have Rihanna giving you advice on what to do. Hopefully she'll tell everyone to wear fashion pajamas and subvert music video stereotypes. That would actually get me to watch The Voice.
So now that Rihanna is on reality TV, does this mean reality TV is cool? I think that mathematically, given Rihanna's coolness factor, she would overpower the preexisting coolness levels of a given entity. So yeah, reality TV is officially cool. I guess I have like 50 seasons of The Bachelor to catch up on.
The Beatles. We love them. We idolize them. We've heard of them.
Beatles AF. (via Getty)
Is it embarrassing not to know that much about The Beatles? I generally think if you make people feel bad for lacking knowledge about an area of pop culture, you're insecure about something in your own life. On the other hand, they're the most famous.
The following is a timeline of what I do know. Should I be ashamed? Or should you google "The Beatles" if you're so concerned and then go to therapy to reflect on what your anger is really about?
195?-Present - The Beatles have a pun name, yet are regarded as extremely hip and cool. This positions them in a paradoxical place in music history.
Early 1960s - The Beatles practice music for 10,000 hours, which is what they are known for. This is how they became alleged geniuses, and why Malcolm Gladwell is obsessed with them.
Around 1962 - The Beatles replace their drummer with a different drummer, and fragile men everywhere wonder for the rest of their lives if they are the Pete Best in any given personal or professional situation.
August 15, 1965 - Fifty years ago this Saturday was the Beatles' concert at Shea Stadium. I read that on a calendar, and I found out on Wikipedia that the concert was "the first major stadium concert." Good job, Beatles! You got this!
All 1960s - In the sixties, there was a Beatle Mania, in which ladies were freaking. They were screaming. They were fainting. They don't call it a mania for nothing.
Trivia: Do you know why the Beatles drank tea? Because they're from England. (via Getty)
1960s continued - During the mania, many women were crushing hard on the Beatles, and most had a particular preference out of the four. My impression is that Paul McCartney and John Lennon were the most popular, with Paul being the mainstream hot choice and John being the artsy hot choice. I think George Harrison was considered more alt, and I think Ringo Starr was underrated.
1962-Present - Ringo is awesome. He's the weird one who some people don't get, but is actually unique and cool. He's the Miranda on Sex and the City or the Shoshanna on Girls. And the fact that people debate whether or not he's even good at drumming just makes him more of a complex, non-boring character.
Would someone who's not good at drumming be this good at throwing up peace signs? Maybe. (via Getty)
1965 - The hits started coming and they didn't stop. People walked down the street singing, "Paperback writer...paperback writer..." Everyone immediately started playing "Twist and Shout" at weddings and said, "We're going to play this song at weddings forever." When teens were in an angsty mood, they threw "In My Life" onto a record player and thought about their emotions.
1969 - The Beatles have an album where they're crossing the street road on the cover. People are loving it. (It's called Abbey Road, right? It is. Right? Forget what I said above, I feel humiliated. And I googled what year it came out.)
The album art actually means something. (via Getty)
1950-1970 - Liverpool. Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool... What is there to say about Liverpool? Something was happening there with music, in addition to it being in England.
1969 - The hits continued! Remember "Help!"? Remember "Strawberry Fields"? Remember the happy George Harrison one, "Here Comes The Sun"? Remember "Hey Jude"? When it comes down to it, what the Beatles really did well was have so many hits.
1970s - The Beatles somehow stopped being a band. A little murky on what exactly went down.
1980s - Sadness warning. Seriously. Please discontinue reading if you don't want to think about something depressing. Okay, I warned you. John Lennon died. In a horrible murder.
Present Day - All these years later (like 50? maybe more?), Paul still sings. He appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman when I interned there, and said while walking by me and a group of staffers, "Hey guys. And gals." Most recently he released a song with Rihanna and Kanye that you've probably heard. It goes something like "four five seconds to Monday, and it's six more hours to Tuesday, and I went back home on Monday, Monday and Tuesday, Monday and Tuesday."
Now and forever - People need to stop blaming all their problems on Yoko Ono.
