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Let's not break up until after the holidays.


Let's spend Thanksgiving spilling food on our clothes, and Black Friday buying new ones.

The White House is basically staging a Hunger Games for turkeys.

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In a new, Hunger-Games-style twist to the annual presidental turkey pardon, this year the American people will decide between sparing one of two turkeys, Popcorn and Caramel. Yes, that's right, White House.gov is putting the decision about which turkey goes free and which gets chopped in two by Joe Biden with a katana he bought off eBay (probably), to a vote on Facebook and Twitter.

And that means you have an important decision to make!!!

LUCKILY, to ease you in evaluating your choices, the geniuses at someecards Labs have created Unpardonable Turkey, the app that let's anyone customize a turkey who deserves to become dinner.

So go make a yourself a few potential Caramels and Popcorns and see, at least in your mind, who jumps out as the most worthy of being put in an oven.

UPDATE:Allegedly Joe Biden won't be hunting the losing turkey with a katana he bought off eBay but instead the losing turkey will continue living his life, just not as having been officially pardoned by the President.

Good luck eating every single feeling you have this Thanksgiving.

Don't forget to have a dismal and degrading airport experience.

Your smug vegan indignity won't bring this delicious turkey back to life.

Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me.

The disturbing things a stock photo family is thankful for.


Let Thanksgiving be a reminder to start your holiday season bender.

Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.

Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.

I hope your Black Friday injuries aren't so severe that you can't click a mouse on Cyber Monday.

Sorry your birthday is overshadowed by the holiday season.

I'm thankful that we can soon get back to being ungrateful, disillusioned, and cynical.

Thanks for climaxing quietly when we visit family.


You're my favorite cardio workout.

My favorite winter activity is going back inside.

Buying me a Christmas gift on Cyber Monday is a great way to ensure I'll have sex with you until Christmas.

I hope shopping on Cyber Monday doesn't take too much time away from your regular schedule of wasting the day on the Internet.

Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old, fat, and semi-employed as Santa.

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