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Let this awkward video serve as an example of why newscasters shouldn't make jokes.

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Oh, local news reporter. I'm so sorry to single you out. But we need to talk about this joke.

https://youtu.be/Nrw51Cn0L40  

A few things here, reporter guy:

1. Soooooo, this was awkward. I feel for you, man. 

2. You probably shouldn't use jokes on air that you got from your six-year-old nephew.

3. You don't have to be funny. I get it: being funny is fun! But you also have a job that actually is just about reporting facts, even if those facts are about a local sports team called the "Mothus Dawes Hotties."

4. Perhaps most importantly, if you are going to make a joke on the news, it shouldn't be about eating off of a butthole.

5. See point 4 above.

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Bad news for the weekend, guys: This angry baby's probably gonna end us all.

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I have never seen a living creature, real or fictional, more ready to exact revenge on all of mankind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27AdWOcbmZc

 Sorry if you had plans for the weekend, everyone. Instead, you're probably going to have to spend your time fending off attacks from this angry baby, which obviously has a terrible demise planned for us all. Who could have wronged him so much, hurt him so bad, that he feels the need to turn to a life of pure evil? Or could he just be angry because he has a dirty diaper and instead of changing it, adults are mushing his face around and trying to get him to smile?

Nah, it's probably the evil revenge thing. Watch your backs!

Weekend

Toy Story 4 will be a love story between Woody and a woman that's not Ms. Davis.

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It's also not Mrs. Potato Head, it's Bo Peep.

Woody with none of his lovers.
(via Getty)

The Toy Story franchise will carry on in the name of love, diving into the love story between Woody and Bo Peep. Never stop at a neatly resolved trilogy when you can churn out another movie and make zillions at the box office. Pixar has this down to a science, and good for them. Release an animated movie that kids love, throw in a few discrete dirty jokes that only adults will understand, and watch the cash roll in.

Interestingly, Bo Peep did not appear in Toy Story 3, and has a minimal role in the other two films. Pixar has said this will not be a prequel or a direct sequel, so they'll be crafting this romantic tale from scratch. Basically they'll be figuring out how to explain why Woody's girlfriend was absent for the last movie. Grad school? Peace Corps? It'll have to be a more wholesome option than when the rest of us explain why our significant others weren't around for a large chunk of time.

We look forward to the love story of Woody and Bo Peep, and those discrete dirty jokes that only adults understand in Pixar movies.

The "Full House" intro recreated by The San Francisco Giants is everywhere you look.

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The Giants don't know what happened to predictability.

The San Francisco Giants made a promotional video for their upcoming Full Clubhouse night at AT&T Park. They did a fantastic and fun job recreating the Full House opening sequence. And how do you turn an ordinary Giants game into a Full House theme night? You give away snow globes! These aren't just any snow globes, they're special because they say "Full Clubhouse." Plus "various in-game entertainment pieces will be themed around this iconic television series." Since snow globes are lame, let's hope it means the night will be filled with guest appearances by stars from the show.

The best way that plays out is that John Stamos sings the National Anthem, Bob Saget throws the opening pitch, and Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey) sings during the seventh-inning stretch. The real dream would be if the Olsen twins parachuted down onto the field, which would be relatively simple because you can jump out of a plane without a parachute when you're that thin.

Here's hoping The Chicago White Sox do a Family Matters theme night with Urkel snow globes.

This puppy yawning resembles how we all feel on weekends.

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The struggle is real.

This puppy looks an awful lot like I do on the weekends. He's tired even though he has no excuse to be tired. He yawns even though he's slept in, he yawns even though he's hanging out with a good friend. He even yawns when someone else is making the plans and doing all the heavy lifting. 

Not even a ride in an elevator or car is spared from yawning. I bet he's the type that enjoys a good cup of coffee but could have several without it really affecting him. And since he's a puppy, we know he doesn't have kids, which angers all his friends that are parents when he complains about being tired and not having enough time for stuff.

This fancy restaurant patron thinks his scary exotic pet is a service animal.

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His snake helps him with depression.

A snake's reaction upon being asked to leave a restaurant.
(via Getty)

A Missouri man brought his snake in a restaurant and claimed it was a service animal, which is impossible since service animals can only be dogs. Also, your service animal should not be able to swallow other service animals whole, expanding their belly to accommodate the outlined shape of the dog it just ate.

He was surprised when the manager informed him he was not allowed to have it in the restaurant. It would be great to have seen his reaction when someone actually read the ADA guidelines explicitly stating that only dogs qualify as service animals. The winning question would be to ask him how he got his snake to wear that bright little vest telling people it's a service animal. Trick question, sir! Snakes can't wear vests.

Allowing snake owners to claim them as service animals would really begin a slippery slope of what helps with depression. He could try to eat in a restaurant that requires coat and tie wearing just a leather vest, or claim that his rusty old Corvette is allowed to park in spaces reserved for those with physical disabilities. 

Trump will pause his campaign to ruin a different branch of government.

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He will report to jury duty on Monday.

Trump making a lewd gesture in a sweet hat.
(via Getty)

Donald Trump was selected for jury duty and will report to the New York State Supreme Court in Manhattan on Monday. All this despite a busy weekend campaign schedule, which included giving kids helicopter rides at the Iowa State Fair. Which is a completely normal ride at the fair. In this case you win a prize for throwing stuff at immigrants from above. 

Coincidentally, Trump has yet to report for jury duty in New York because he claims the requests were mailed to improper addresses. But what do you know, he made it a point to show up when he's running for president. As for the case, it would be great if the defendant was female or Hispanic, just to see if the attorneys could keep a straight face while they screen him for bias.


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57-year-old Sharon Stone looks amazing in her recent photoshoot. Oh, and she's naked.

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Sharon Stone is still super comfortable taking all her clothes off.


Actress Sharon Stone posed wearing only jewelry for the September issue of Harper's Bazaar. Although it's not out of the ordinary for her, she also had some empowering words to go along with her naked black & white photos. In the interview, Sharon told Harper's:

"I'm aware that my ass looks like a bag of flapjacks...But I'm not trying to be the best-looking broad in the world. At a certain point you start asking yourself, 'What really is sexy?' It's not just the elevation of your boobs. It's being present and having fun and liking yourself enough to like the person that's with you. If I believed that sexy was trying to be who I was when I did Basic Instinct, then we'd all be having a hard day today."​

The flapjack comment was in jest, since we can clearly see that her butt does not resemble anything flappy. Like, at all. Sharon also spoke about the life-threatening brain hemorrhage she recovered from that was caused by a stroke and required major arterial surgery. Her attitude about the trauma is snarky yet uplifting, she said, "It's like, I have brain damage; you'll just have to deal with it."

Sharon Stoke looks incredible and her decision to pose nude at 57 is a bold, inspiring move. Ladies over 40 have been crushing it lately. For more proof, please see Salma Hayek and Jennifer Lopez. Oof, I need to go to the gym.

This Owen Wilson supercut proves Owen Wilson is great at playing Owen Wilson.

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It's just so beautifully Owen Wilson-ey.

Anyone who has seen Owen Wilson act knows he is amazing at playing himself. Never has this been more evident than in this brand-new supercut of Owen Wilson movies, showing him brilliantly delivering the same lines over and over again throughout his career. I have a feeling he probably writes a lot of his own dialogue, and is just saying the stuff he does in real life. This video sort of makes me want to hang out with Owen Wilson. I'd try tirelessly to get him to say "woah woah woah" and would be overwhelmed with joy if he said "crazier than a road lizard." And I'm not really even sure what a road lizard is.

You'll love this bar that serves breathable alcohol if you enjoy nightmare factories.

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A bar in London pumps booze directly into the air. And it is super creepy.

Do you like feeling drunk, but hate the difficulty of lifting alcoholic beverages all the way to your mouth? Do you wish bars had more people walking around in hoods, surrounded by misty fog? Do you want to ensure you smell like booze at work tomorrow? Then this London bar is for you! It's called Alcoholic Architecture, and according to co-designer Sam Bompas, the alcohol is "ingested through the lungs and eyeballs." The alcoholic mist makes it hard to see, so bar goers wear hooded plastic ponchos so their clothing doesn't smell like somebody caught them cheating and then dumped a drink on them.

 

Step into the gin and tonic cloud this autumn at #alcoholicarchitecture @boroughmarket #breatheresponsibly

A photo posted by Alcoholic Architecture (@alcoholicarchitecture) on

If you look at the photos, this place looks like it's part horror movie, part sex dungeon, and just one tiny little part actual bar. Oh, and in case you want to drink through your mouth in addition to your lungs and eyeballs, you can order traditional drinks, too.

 

#breatheresponsibly at @alcoholicarchitecture regram from @soniashahx

A photo posted by Bompas & Parr (@bompasandparr) on

Are you thoroughly creeped out yet? No? Well, good news! There's a white python in the women's bathroom!

 

Hello there!!! #albinosnake #alcoholicarchitecture #ladies #toilet

A photo posted by Alcoholic Architecture (@alcoholicarchitecture) on

Ok, so this place actually sounds totally amazing and I really want to go there. If you live in London, definitely go check it out. I hope it doesn't give you nightmares!

This silly jokester got a tattoo so hilarious that his wife left him.

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The decision to get a tattoo of a penis on his leg was the wrong decision.

Stuart Valentino of Hampshire England got drunk with his friend and decided to get a tattoo of a six inch penis on his thigh. Just so you know who we're dealing with here, Stuart is a perpetual prankster who once made a video where he ate cat poop. It was fake, but his wife Samantha hated it. She also hated it when her husband, who is a father of four, came home with a penis tattooed on his leg.

It would cost  £1,000 to remove, and due to the image's obscene nature, he couldn't even take the kids to the pool without offending everyone, especially his wife. Sick of his childish ways, she decided the inked dong was the last straw, and Samantha kicked Stuart out of the house.

Stuart said, "I had no idea a joke could ruin my life," and also "I've been a dickhead." At least he's being honest with himself about what he is, which hopefully is the first step to getting his life back, and stop acting like a wanker.

The comedy pimple known as The Fat Jew may have finally popped this weekend.

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The Fat Jew has been stealing jokes, and getting paid to do it, for years. Everyone in comedy knew it. This weekend, people finally noticed.

For those of you who don't know, this guy, The Fat Jew is someone whose entire career is simply stealing jokes from...

Posted by Maura Quint on Saturday, August 15, 2015

If you're a casual consumer of jokes online, you may be aware of a character by the name of @FATJEW (on Twitter) or TheFatJewish (on Instagram). He steals jokes. This is not an accusation. It is a statement of fact, like saying water is wet or diamonds are hard. He does not make jokes. No one ever says, "The Fat Jew steals a lot of jokes, but he does write some good ones, too." He only steals jokes. Like this one, which he got called out on:

https://twitter.com/davonmagwood/status/626604537097388033


This is from an article about Fat Jew and another joke-stealer Fuck Jerry, but we're not talking about him today, because honestly, fuck that guy. (via A.V. Club)

At his absolute best, Fat Jew reposts other people's content with attribution. (Something he only started doing regularly after criticism of him—like with the above post—went public.) Understand that when he does this, only a miniscule, possibly non-existent fraction of the people who see his post will remember the name in the photo, let alone visit the actual content creator's profile. He started adding the attributions only after previous rounds of being called out by comedians, as well as outlets like the A.V. Club, Street CarnagePlayboy, and the Washington Post.


Did you find the attribution yet? Notice how artfully the original writer's profile picture and Twitter handle have been cropped out of the actual image. That's pro. 
(via thefatjewish, but really via @midgetspar)

This would be less infuriating if he was not being paid thousands of dollars (and getting signed to CAA, getting a modeling contract, and signing a book deal) for each of the few actual original posts he makes. That's right, he occasionally does something himself, like this piece of genius:

Even though he's been slapped on the wrist once or twice (like that time he was briefly booted off Instagram until he chained himself outside their offices and literally annoyed his way back in), it's also brought him a lot of fame and attention.

https://twitter.com/katiecouric/status/575361956720295936

When he's caught out, Fat Jew will respond with "sorry, it was on another site," or "sorry, my interns did it" because this guy is so busy not making his own jokes that he now has interns to do it for him (never does he say "I have informed my interns that this is a bad thing"). Most of all, he and his defenders refer to him (and his ilk) as an "aggregator" like the Huffington Post, which ignores the fact that even the Huffington Post has to credit its writers. Unrelated, but just as damning, he is also friends with Justin Bieber.

This weekend, however, comedian and Someecards contributor Maura Quint (@behindyourback) finally called him out in a way that gained traction.

https://twitter.com/behindyourback/status/632613842326056961https://twitter.com/behindyourback/status/632642482573037568https://twitter.com/behindyourback/status/632976847282679808

She also created a spreadsheet with hundreds of Twitter accounts of comedians whom you'd be better off following than thefatjewish. Some, but not all, of these are also accounts that have been pilfered to drive Fat Jew's success. This is perhaps the only time I've ever heard of a Google Doc going viral. 

https://twitter.com/skullmandible/status/632632467019591680/photo/1

Since then, Patton Oswalt has joined the fray, Fat Jew's Wikipedia page has been edited to reflect his plagiarism troubles, and publications like The Hollywood Reporter have amended articles to include recent problems like his stealing of Davon Magwood's lion joke.

https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt/status/632652037826547712https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt/status/632653624968024064

Even graphic novelist and sci-fi legend Neil Gaiman answered the call.


I just imagined The Fat Jew telling everyone on Battlestar Galactica he was a Cylon just to look cool. That's a nerd joke, and not worth aggregating. (via Starcasm)

Will this finally be the nail in Fat Jew's coffin, or will brands continue to flock to him so they can reach the hordes of undiscerning fans who don't care that they're eating rehashed jokes from struggling, unpaid writers? That part is up to YOU, dear reader! If you follow the Fat Jew, consider un-doing that and following all the great people on Maura's spreadsheet.

 


Brave cat is unafraid to say "I enjoy sitting like a human" in public.

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Sitting is about feeling comfortable, no matter what species you are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4N_s98o2GI

Red is a cat, who is orange. He is also, deep down, a person. At least when it comes to sitting. He's seen how other cats sit, and that's just not for him. Ever since he first saw a human dangle their legs off a platform, he thought, "that sit's for me." Now, he's finally free to sit as he pleases, even if judgy humans are gonna film him and say things like "you are not right." You are right, Red. Right, and very comfortable.

Daughter who doesn't even know she's a nerd yet gets speeder bike rocking horse from #1 nerd dad.

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She will forever associate Star Wars with a father's love, which is kind of ironic when you think about it.


"I am going to be very disappointed by real-world vehicles later in life."

Father and craftsman Tez Gelmir has created this amazing speeder bike rocking horse modeled on the Imperial vehicles seen in Return of the Jedi (instructions on how to build it here). The baby is appropriately dressed as Princess Leia Organa, who steals a bike along with Luke in the movie, although as this clip itself makes clear, Leia is wearing much more practical garb for a speeder bike ride in Jedi. This kid doesn't know the difference between a protocol droid and her blankie yet, but I have a feeling the Force (of nerdiness) will be very strong in this one. (Go to 0:52 to skip the DIY parts)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkL7DrGZtAg

 

Reporter covering wildfire gets planeload of flame retardant chemicals dumped in his face.

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On the other hand, he's much safer from the fire now.

https://twitter.com/EricJensenTV/status/632327964219195392

Reporter Eric Jensen was covering the wildfire consuming Chelan county in Washington state (one of four major wildfires currently affecting the Western U.S.) when the wind shifted just as a DC-10 was passing overhead to dump flame retardant on the fire, seen to the left of frame.

https://twitter.com/EricJensenTV/status/632375946935296000

Due to the wind shift, the planeload of chemicals (which fortunately mostly come in nontoxic varieties in 2015) dropped on Jensen, his camera crew, and a whole bunch of onlookers and houses. For more information on the fires, check out a real news site. As for everyone fighting, covering, or in the path of the fires, stay safe from the threats of nature and man alike.

An Ode to Thrift Shops: 7 outfits they gave me and how I drunkenly destroyed them.

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1. The (too) little flower print dress.

That's me on the left, rolling on the ground at my best friend's wedding.

Happy national Thrift Shop Day, holiest of high holidays! Thank you, thrift shops, for seeing me through my twenties, when I was both poor and alcohol-dependent. You served me well, with cheap, lightly stained and ill-fitting recycled clothes. In return, I danced your offerings to shreds. I may drink much less now, but your gift remains: embarrassing photos of myself on social media, looking like a total maniac.

2. The vintage "Mad Men" look.

The Coors is a stunning period detail, paired with a dress that would be missing all its buttons by midnight.

3. The dog's Halloween costume, repurposed for a giant human woman.

Actually stayed pretty sober in my "Sexy Concession Stand" costume,  so I could take care of my sh*tfaced vampire baby boyfriend. He destroyed it.

4. Not sure how to describe what this outfit is.

A bathing suit with a fringe on top? All I know is, none of those items were ever the same after that night.

5. The purple snowsuit, that was surprisingly single use.

Yes, I did Santacon once, if you didn't hate me already. 

6. The Barbie dream dress that couldn't fit the reality (my body).

You could follow my sequin trail all over the house, but at least I had that "modesty wig."

7. The shimmering gold sheath (not pictured).

Because I took it off! And lost it at the party. 

Thrift shops. Easy come, easy go, and so much fun in between.

Farewell

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