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Marco Rubio impresses Iowa voters with ability to nail kids in the face with footballs.

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Spiral 8/10. Boop 10/10.

https://twitter.com/bpolitics/status/633634805469458433

Marco Rubio, although not currently leading in any polls, is running a strong campaign according to most observers. He's avoided saying anything too weird, he's young, he's attractive, he briefly tried to pass meaningful immigration reform before backtracking and insisting we need to fix the border first, and he's really good at hitting a kid in the face with a football with just enough oomph to be funny but without enough force to stop being funny. If Trump were to try this, I imagine a terrible, wobbly pass chucked with anger at a small blonde girl who asked him a substantive question. But I can only dream.

Related: How not to die if you’re playing a #GOPDebate drinking game tonight.


The only safe way to experience Donald Trump's tweets is listening to Josh Groban sing them.

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It's funny because Trump really tweeted these things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-41fbDYZyLo

Donald Trump probably thinks Josh Groban is a loser for going for Jimmy Kimmel Live and singing his most hilarious tweets as piano ballads. From political insights like "@BarackObama's birth certificate is a fraud" to pop culture observations like "Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog," Trump's writing is poetic and full of surprises—and makes excellent lyrics! 

Jimmy Kimmel has correctly identified that there's nothing funnier than the actual things people tweet—when read/sung by someone else. I have to admit this video actually made me LOL IRL. 

What does it take to pull the ultimate bachelor party prank? Renting a billboard helps.

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Four bros outbroed themselves to give their buddy a Vegas bachelor party he'd never forget.

https://instagram.com/p/6WWNFgDR3H/

When Steve Dimatteo had his bachelor party this past weekend in Las Vegas, his closest friends knew they had to do something special. Sure, they had the basics down. Partying in Vegas, drinking, and serious sports gambling all made an appearance.

https://instagram.com/p/6YlrXsDRyK/?taken-by=bronsonarcuri

But to really make the memory stand out, they'd have to go above and beyond. They'd have to surprise Steve with a grand gesture as extravagant as it was humiliating.

https://instagram.com/p/6ZUoq9DR4l/?taken-by=bronsonarcuri

The guys rented a billboard on the Vegas Strip for a genital wart remover called Uncle Steve's Rub-It-Out. The sign featured an enormous image of Steve's face and a testimonial: "'My wife doesn't have any more excuses!' –Steve DiMatteo, Founder and Manic User." Now that's cold.

https://instagram.com/p/6ZUsCkDR4m/?taken-by=bronsonarcuri

After the initial shock wore off, Steve followed bro code and took the prank in good humor. He even posed cheerfully with the billboard.

https://instagram.com/p/6ZVPHaDR5I/?taken-by=bronsonarcuri

Of course, that was before he saw the website they'd made.

A graphic design budget? Now that's cold.
(via RubOutTheBumps.com)

And believe me, this was an elaborate website.

I'm starting to wish this product was real. For a friend.
(via RubOutTheBumps.com)

At least the whole prank didn't go viral on Reddit. Oh wait, of course it did. The post quickly hit the front page, and currently has an upvote score of more than 6,000.

The question is: will Steve ever be able to live this down? The answer is: it doesn't matter. He's getting married – his social life is over. Congrats dude!

Key & Peele's rapping mom sketch convinced us to never touch anything in a teen boy's room.

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Two words: crispy socks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxsD6ecxDUg

Sketch comedy show Key & Peele brilliantly tackles big issues like feminism, education, and commuication in the modern age. And now they've expanded their range of topics to include cleanliness and masturbation.

It takes place in a the dorm room of a college guy whose friends find a DVD his mom sent of herself rapping. At first, his friends make fun of his mom's comically bad rap skills, but the tide turns when the topic of his mom's rhymes are all about how many crispy socks she finds around the house, among other probably-jizzed-upon items.

I've never really understood teenage boys and this sketch makes me realize that my slight fear of them is not totally unfounded.

Tumblr CEO meets Taylor Swift, wears T-Swift Tumblr meme shirt, meme evolves. It's the circle of life.

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The prerequisite for understanding what happened here is extensive knowledge of the history of Taylor Swift memes. Are you qualified?

https://twitter.com/SimplySFans/status/515025664379203585

A brief recap: Once upon a time, there was a warning picture (above left) going around Tumblr of a girl supposedly named Becky who had died from snorting marijuana. People knew the picture was fake, because it's of Taylor Swift. Come on, fake drug PSA bloggers. Try a little harder.

Then, as a hilarious joke, Taylor Swift wore a shirt that said "no its becky." She never lets us down with her public photographs, that one.

Flash forward to present day. Tumblr CEO David Karp went to see a Taylor Swift concert, and he wore a "no its becky" shirt. He probably knew about the Tumblr meme from being the CEO of Tumblr, which requires him to read all blog posts. It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it.

He wore the shirt that she wore about the Tumblr post. Good? Good. (via David Karp)

Then, Karp met Taylor Swift, and she gave him an autograph. They must have had a lot to bond over. "Isn't it great to be powerful?" "So great! So much power!"

https://instagram.com/p/6fSEdROBPb/

If you thought that's where all of the Internet self-referencing ended, you'd be wrong. Because then Taylor Swift wrote a Tumblr post about Karp, which he then reposted along with a new picture. It showed that he was still wearing the shirt, and he added "NO ITS [Taylor Swift's signature]" underneath.

A new take on the work. (via David Karp)

Look, I know this is complicated and complex. But you're just going to have to study hard and do some critical thinking, because it's really important that you understand all of the layers of the Taylor Swift Tumblr memes. Class dismissed.

This guy who took his taxi driver to his first theme park wants you to know he's a nice person.

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Liam Murphy had to go to Abu Dhabi for business, so while he was there, he decided to check out Ferrari World Theme Park.

"Look how much fun we're having!" (via Facebook)

He was chatting with his cab driver, Shakiha, on the way over, and learned that Shakiha always waits in his taxi until the customers are done enjoying the park before he drives them back. Admission is expensive (around $70), and he has to send money home to his family in India. Murphy was surprised that in all his 14 years of living in Abu Dhabi, Shakiha had never once had the chance to actually go in. Murphy was traveling by himself, so he decided to pay for Shakiha's ticket, and the two of them had a bro date that ended in pizza. Murphy posted about it on his Facebook page:

Got a taxi from Dubai to Abu Dhabi today. Indian taxi driver living here 14 yrs yet was never in Ferrari World. He was going to wait in the car for 4 hrs. Today I made his dreams come true for the laugh...."I will pray God for you sir"....some craic with the hoore all day. His first ever roller coaster ride was on the fastest in the world. "I do not feel well sir". Shakiha will sleep well tonight

Four hour friends. (via Facebook)

It quickly went viral. It's kind of cute, but something about this whole thing feels kind of sus. Murphy comes off as a bit patronizing, especially the whole I "made his dreams" part and the "making other people feel happy" status. He also seems to be relishing in the attention, posting updates on his Facebook page about the story spreading. Don't get me wrong, it's a very nice gesture, but it's sort of like he's saying "LOOK AT HOW NICE OF A PERSON I AM!!!" We get it, Murph—you're practically a modern day Mother Theresa. 

These parkour illusions are so mind-boggling, you'll forget you got sick of parkour in 2006.

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Jason Paul and Pasha Petkuns are freerunning masters who also have a gift for camera tricks. It's a winning combination we never saw coming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_X_h8cCKcA

Sure, this video is a viral ad, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. I'm as jaded as any Internet professional, but I found myself swept away in the slick perspective tricks and athleticism. If an ad budget is what's needed to make more stuff like this, then I say have at it!

Sam and Nia made another video to shed light on the oppression of white American Christians with money.

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You mean to tell me that people who incessantly post annoying videos about their family are facing backlash? 

Poor Sam. (via YouTube/Sam and Nia)

Sam and Nia, or as I like to call them, soon-to-be Charles Manson and Shelley Duvall from The Shining, posted a video in response to Internet haters, and it's just as uncomfortable as all of their other videos. This quote from Sam basically sums up their attitude:

God told us we’re going to be hated, so what we’re seeing right now is god’s will being played out for our lives as Christians. We’re being persecuted somewhat.

Totally. That's totally what's happening to you. Watch the rest of the video below, if you can get through the horrifying title sequence, that is.


Can you tell which of these foreign titles for 'Trainwreck' are real and which we made up?

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Everyone is talking about Trainwreck, including Anne Hathaway, and it's made $111 million worldwide.

But the movie doesn't have the same name in every country, and some of the translations are hilarious approximations. Can you tell which of these international titles for Trainwreck are real, and which we made up? (Scroll all the way down for answers.)

Real ones (translated by Mashable): Crazy Amy, A Disaster Girl, This Girl Is A Mess, Total Damage, A Girl Without Complexes

Ones we made up: Loose LadyWhat Happened To Amy?Another One Has A Crisis, This Little Girl Has IssuesTerrible Problem

Here are the emoji each state uses the most. You should be ashamed of yourself, Nevada.

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Swiftkey designs one of the most popular keyboard apps for smartphones. They've used that insane power for good: to create a map of the which emoji each state uses more than any other:


Of all of these, I'm most concerned by the use of Koalas in Rhode Island. (via Swiftkey)

Ignoring the obvious implications that arise from the fact that keyboard app maker Swiftkey knows which emoji we're using, this is pretty awesome. It's even more in depth than it appears, as well. Not only can you see which emoji is most unique to each state:


Jesus, Ohio. Vanilla ice cream? Do you even want people to stop thinking you're boring? 
(via Swiftkey)

You can also click on them for more in-depth information (the top 5 most unique emoji, the most popular overall, the least popular, and the emoji used least frequently compared to other states). They also put out a full report with fun facts like:

  • Maine ranks #1 for volcanoes. (Apparently, Maine sits atop some super-volcanoes that I didn't even know I should be fearing.)
  • Vermont uses the most poop.
  • Nevada (sigh) uses the most eggplants (they mean penises, mom).
  • Louisiana uses the most guns.
  • Pennsylvania uses the most "raunchy" emojis, whereas neighboring West Virginia uses the least.

I went ahead and selected some of the most popular emoji in every state, and wrote down what I think a conversation using all of them could mean:


"What's this song blasting in the club?"
"I can't be seen with you anymore if you don't know that, bro."

 


"I'm 100% following my Taurus horoscope and joining the navy."
"Let me give you a goodbye kiss and high five."

 


"Why was I disinvited from your son's first birthday party?"
"Because you said Jews run slow."

 


"I'm an oil worker in a love desert seeking the affection of a good woman."
"I'm 150 roses an hour, sweetie."

 


"Rager at Lady Liberty tonight, you pumped?"
"I'll wear my haute couture."

 


This is just an itinerary for a really weird bachelorette party.

If you enjoyed these, download this map as an app, or head to their website.

Photos of parents who are ecstatic about Back to School season.

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A picture is worth a thousand words. That's good, because these parents don't have time to talk—they finally get to relax.

It's hard to blame her, honestly.(via Imgur)

Okay, I'm not a parent. In fact, I'm probably still closer in age to being a kid than sending my own kid to school. So I can only imagine the sweet relief of finally getting to the other side of Smelly Diaper Mountain, traversing Crayons All Over The Wall Valley and at last sending your child off to school. It must be great to just kick back your feet, and... well, go to work in an hour, probably. But if you look closely at the following images, I think anyone can see these parents' ecstasy--even though we all know it'll be over by, like, 3pm.

Eh, you gotta do what you gotta do...(via Imgur)
How many years has it been since their last mimosa? (via Imgur)
Don't worry, he'll tire out eventually. (via Nicole Bonnet)
It's the little victories in life.(via Imgur)
Clearly getting a little ahead of themselves at this point. (via Imgur)

 

Fact: her facial expression didn't change for 2 years. (via Reddit)
"Chill out, mom, I haven't even had my Toaster Strudel yet!" (via Imgur)
Okay, admittedly, these kids are really hamming it up here. (via Reddit)

 

Wanna get high? A new study says all you need is another person's eyeballs.

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If you've always been scared to try mind-altering substances (or "drugs," as they're called by the cool among us) but you've always wanted to kinda know what they're maybe sorta like, a little bit — you're in luck!

"I can see time." (via Thinkstock)

A study by Italian psychologist Giovanni Caputo has found that by merely making direct eye contact with somebody in a dimly lit room for 10 minutes, people began to experience freaky hallucinations, an altered mental state, and generally had a pretty trippy time: 

The participants in the eye-staring group said they'd had a compelling experience unlike anything they'd felt before. They also scored higher on all three questionnaires than the control group. On the dissociative states test, they gave the strongest ratings to items related to reduced colour intensity, sounds seeming quieter or louder than expected, becoming spaced out, and time seeming to drag on. On the strange-face questionnaire, 90 per cent of the eye-staring group agreed that they'd seen some deformed facial traits, 75 per cent said they'd seen a monster, 50 per cent said they saw aspects of their own face in their partner's face, and 15 per cent said they'd seen a relative's face.

Make sense? Maybe this is what Shia LaBeouf was getting at with his performance art. Forward-thinking Redditor xssi compared the effect to the following optical illusion:

"Yeah, stare between the celebrities. Trust me, dude, it's totally worth it." (via Imgur)

Which makes sense, because it's really just a combination of this optical trick:

Focus on the black dots for 60 seconds, stare at a bright light, and accept Christ as your Lord and Saviour. (via Brainden)

And this:

It's surprising how little Merriweather Post Pavilion is about drugs. (via Amazon)

I'll tell you what: I just feel bad for the control group.

Kristen Stewart's car interview with her best friend proves that she's not awkward, you are!

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I would like to submit the following video as evidence in my case against people who criticize Kristen Stewart for being awkward.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_AsxIuyoD8

"Kristen Stewart is awkward."

"Cara Delevingne is awkward."

"I'm sitting here on my couch and the women in my television screen are not acting in the way I want them to."

Get over yourself, imaginary couch person. Kristen Stewart is a skilled actor and a fun person. Here she is chatting it up with her real life best friend, Suzie Reimer, for Nylon. They make great points about about Lunchables, chip flavors, and the way dudes wear sunglasses. Then they play a game, and Jimmy Fallon isn't even there to tease her.

Subway mascot Jared Fogle becomes smaller than we could have ever imagined, pleads guilty to kid porn.

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First he lost weight, then he lost respect, and now he's lost his case, becoming a teeny-tiny shadow of his former self.


Doesn't his face look way creepier now that you know more about him? (via Getty)

Oh, how the mighty have totally grossed us out. OK, so Jared Fogle was never mighty, but the Subway spokesman charmed America with his heartwarming-if-improbable tale of losing weight by eating Subway sandwiches every day. His ads first aired on January 1, 2000, which was probably the most important New Year's Resolution day in history — New Millennium Resolutions. Well, it worked, and he became an accepted icon of the American advertising landscape like Joe Cool and the Budweiser frogs. Except unlike tobacco and alcohol, Jared Fogle was apparently secretly a mascot for an even worse vice — kid porn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R1IX91LtLA

This all started in the beginning of 2015, when then-director of the Jared Foundation, Robert Taylor, was arrested with 500 videos of child pornography which he was also accused of producing. Taylor has since been charged with child exploitation, possession of child pornography, and voyeurism.

https://twitter.com/FrankConniff/status/633771724497133568

Then, in early July, the FBI and local law enforcement suddenly raided Fogle's house in Zionsville, Indiana, removing electronics into an evidence truck while serving out a warrant in connection to Taylor's child porn case. Although some cautioned it was too early to say that having the FBI come pick you up (he went voluntarily) and cart off all your home computers meant that Jared was involved...uh, it looked pretty bad. That premonition of badness we had turned out to be sadly dead-on. Since then, we've learned that he allegedly bragged about paying for "amazing sex" with a 16-year-old and been heard calling middle-schoolers hot.

All of this is hearsay, of course, but this is not: the FBI and Indianapolis media are confirming that Jared will be pleading guilty to federal child pornography charges. That is the crime of a small, small person. Eensy. Weensy. Practically non-existent. It's hard to see how his career goes on from here, because he can't possibly shrink any further.

https://twitter.com/NicolePence/status/633746722573783040

Way to get out ahead of this, Subway.

The most joyful thing that happened last weekend was this dachshund pool party.

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We're all here to look at happy, swimming dachshunds. So let's get to it, right?

https://instagram.com/p/6dzmsYn_2Y/?tagged=doxiepoolpawty

I'll keep this brief, people, because we all have Important Dog Photos And Videos to look at. In Los Angeles, there's an annual event called the Doxie Pool Pawty, which consists of several dachshunds swimming in a pool together. Sometimes they wear hilarious hats, too. This year's event was last weekend, and the pictures are glorious. I know you probably have some deadlines or paperwork or children or whatever to get to, so I'll stop blathering and move onto the pups.

https://instagram.com/p/6giLReACwH/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6dkWGnIZQ8/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6dlg8BPbsl/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6dkWkBBuAL/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6glrgXAC1z/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6eJtT5wuqb/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6ddsenwuhs/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6gaHrAtWPP/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6dhrGcr7CV/?tagged=doxiepoolpawtyhttps://instagram.com/p/6dgtvQhzhA/?tagged=doxiepoolpawty

 


Eventually yours.

Rare fire rainbow struts over South Carolina, showing off and making everyone stare.

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"Oh, I'm a fire rainbow. I look really cool. I only show up during very specific conditions, so I'm better than all the other rainbows." — This fire rainbow, probably

https://instagram.com/p/6gDMvtrjDE/?tagged=firerainbow

Hey, fire rainbow that showed up in South Carolina over the weekend! Why don't you stop showing off for a second and tell us about yourself, huh? Oh, you're too busy being cool to answer my question? This is SO like you, fire rainbow, making everyone else do the work while you just sit there. 

Ugh, FINE. I'll just quote 14 News:

According to Meteorologist Justin Lock, a strict set of conditions are required for fire rainbows to appear. First, they only occur in high-level cirrus clouds made up of tiny ice crystals.

"To produce the rainbow colors the sun’s rays must enter the ice crystals at a precise angle to give the prism effect of the color spectrum," Lock said, adding the sun must be at an altitude of at least 58 degrees above the horizon. "Again, it has to do with getting the precise angle."

Oh, you're so SPECIAL, fire rainbow. You can just get people's adoration and not worry about a thing. Why don't you try getting a job, huh? Try working for a day in your life, fire rainbow!

...you're just going to pose for pictures and then leave?

Grrrr. Fine.

https://instagram.com/p/5qo4maLnbL/?taken-by=larautenkranzhttps://instagram.com/p/6gH6CHR3W1/?tagged=firerainbowhttps://instagram.com/p/6d0E0ftour/?tagged=firerainbow

 

Workplace

Meet Ralph, the squirrel of dogs. Now, meet his tater tot collection.

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Wait for it...Wait for it...

https://vine.co/v/eH7UKqbdthQ

Yes! Perfect tot hiding game! Ralph the dog has studied with the mighty squirrel, the humble hamster and the germane gerbil. All the tots remain perfectly formed. You could plate and serve those tots. But you won't: they're Ralph's. He's earned them.

Is it weird that I'm hungry now?

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