A revolutionary alternative to pants. 

Shorts aren't just a fashion choice, they're a lifestyle. They help ventilate your crotchal area when it's unbearably hot, they show off the sexy mankles you've worked all winter to cultivate, and they're just straight-up fun to wear. Sure, there are some haters out there who think men should never wear shorts, but they're too deep in their pants-loving snobbery to see the joy it can bring to our lives. That's not to say that men who wear shorts are just one homogenous entity—we're a diverse community of people who all have a different ideas of how we should expose our lower legs. In order to honor shorts wearers of all shapes and sizes, here's a breakdown of the different short lengths and what they say about you. 

1. At the knee.

You're an everyman. When the weather gets hot enough, you switch out your wardrobe, and that's that. You're just trying to stay cool—not make a fashion statement. You probably picked up six pairs from Old Navy when they were having a sale. It's all about function, not form. What is this normcore you speak of? You live the life people can only treat as a fad. 

2. Mid-calf.

You're a chill, laid back dude who's really good at pick-up athletics and water sports. You're always a bit sandy for some reason and mostly listen to bands that play free shows at outdoor pavilions. You're ambiguously European or South American, and are probably too old to be going to the parties you're going to. But no bother. Spark up another spliffy and let's play some ultimate.

3. Slightly above the knee.

You're a white, upper-middle class dad. You know how to file your own taxes.  You wake up early for your kids' swim meets at the local country club. You know how to work a grill. You keep your sunglasses on a strap around your neck, and you always tuck your collared shirt into your Dockers, which you own 9 identical pairs of. Let's all pack into the Honda Odyssey and hit the road—Nantucket here we come!

4. Super below the knee.

You're either a high schooler who is going through some shit, or an adult who is really going through some shit. Crank up that Dashboard Confessional CD and let it all hang loose. 

5. Showing off the thighs.

You're a worldly jet-setter. You pulled up to the Cannes Film Festival in your yacht, drinking a glass of whisky while smoking a cigar with an Italian debutante who's probably related to some Fascists but who cares? You eat your steak extra rare. You not afraid to get in fisticuffs if someone insults your honor. You bathe in musk and let your thighs breathe because Hemingway didn't die for nothing. Sure, you have nightmares from the war, but we don't talk about the war, dammit! 

Alternatively, you're a 70s basketball player.

6. Super long.

You're wearing pants. 

Elaine Fydrych, of Runnemede, New Jersey passed away last Thursday, and left Hillary Clinton a little present in her obituary. 

Her obituary contained all the standard obituary stuff, except for this gem:

Elaine requests, "In lieu of flowers, please do not vote for Hillary Clinton."

Boom! Elaine was a local actress and was known to make a lot of jokes. She was also thought Hillary Clinton deserved blame for Benghazi and grew to intensely dislike her in recent years. According to her husband Joe, Elaine was a registered Democrat and "not a political person," but told him her idea for her obituary a few weeks ago, leaving the final call up to him. He decided to honor her wishes. Elaine "wanted to go out with a punch," said Joe, "and I think she did that." You definitely succeeded, Elaine. Bravo. Yet another attack Hillary Clinton failed to see coming.

Catcalling is bad enough in New York when you're walking, but it gets exponentially worse when you're running.

 

 

Ashley Bez looking super strong at mile 6.5! #tcsnycmarathon
A photo posted by Brendan Eyre (@eyrebud) on Nov 2, 2014 at 8:14am PST

I like to run outdoors because gyms give me anxiety. Also, I live near Central Park, which is a glorious place to go running. However, the half mile run to and from the park are almost always interrupted by dudes on the street who feel the need to say exactly what they think about me. It is always gross, and even when their words aren't overtly sexual, the tone is still pretty disgusting.

Here are some things guys have yelled at me while running in New York:

1. "The running is working, the running is WORKing!"

This was one of the more memorable comments I received, and at the very least, it was original. I've never heard it before, and I haven't heard it since. And yet, I hated it because it meant he was judging my body and reporting on it. No thanks, creep-o.

2. "Can I run with you?"

I've gotten this one so many times that my go-to answer is "yes," because it catches them off guard and by the time they even attempt to start running, I'm a block away. 

3. "Looking good."

This is another frequent comment. It is a lot like when a catcaller says "looking good" to a woman who is walking by, but because I'm running he says it louder and more than once, just to make sure I hear it.

4. "You run good, you look good."

A longer version of #3 that acknowledges my physical movement within the guy's narrow worldview.

5. "Keep going" or "keep running."

This is so frustrating because the fact that I keep running after he says "keep running" means the catcaller told me what to do and I did it, when in reality I'm going for a run, so of course I'm going to "keep running." Or maybe he thought I planned the end of my run for the exact moment I crossed his path, but he thinks I should run some more. Either way, I don't like it.

6. "Yeah, work it out."

This might sounds like positive encouragement, but it doesn't take much imagination to turn this into something that makes me feel like I need a double shower after my run.

7. You sweaty. Can I get sweaty with you?

(Deep sigh). No dude, no. (Takes a triple shower).

8. [guy mimics being out of breath]

The guys who fake-heavy-breathe at me make me want to volunteer to embark on a solo mission to Mars.

9. [guy mimics running with his hands cupping air-breasts]

Even though I hate this creepy mime version of saying "I see you're running while in possession of boobs," the childlike idiocy of the act out is mildly amusing.

10. [silent stare]

By far the most traumatizing of the wordless catcalls. These are the terrifying men who I really hope I can outrun.

11. "Damn, you fast."

Observational, yet still uncalled for. This is definitely one where tone plays a role in making this feel like a catcall.

12. "He thinks you have big boobs."

Ok, so this was a weird situation. There was a teenage couple sitting on a stoop, and as I ran by, the guy said, "yeah, run!" and a few seconds later the girl screamed down the street, "he thinks you have big boobs." It felt extra-gross because they were teenagers, and that the girl was participating in the catcall. The whole thing made me so uncomfortable. However, I'm going home to run as soon as I finish this article, so I guess none of these have scarred me too much.

Images via Thinkstock.

The genre of disgusting things found in chain restaurants has another strong submission.

To be fair to Starbucks, this tasty lizard was found in Arizona. Doesn't everything in Arizona have a lizard in it? You should feel lucky to even get coffee with your cupful of lizards in Arizona! Somehow, Phoenix resident Kim Dillon didn't feel that way. In fact, she seems pretty pissed that a lizard was in her mouth for even a single second:

"It was just so gross knowing it was in my mouth," said Kim.

"It was a lizard," said [her husband] Brian. "A little lizard! That she drank. That went into her mouth."

"I was like, 'Oh my God,'" said Kim. "I was almost going to swallow it."

So, you say the lizard was in your mouth? Here it is, outside anyone's mouth but definitely dead and soaked in espresso:

The couple returned to the store to complain and the staff apologized. Starbucks headquarters say they're looking into "the situation" as well, but if they haven't yet realized the problem is that they live in the desert, when will they?

The Tooth Fairy is dropping her rates, leaving kids across the country with less money in their pockets.

Teeth used to be worth something in this country. But these days, kids may as well just keep their baby teeth in their mouth, because according to Visa’s annual Tooth Fairy earnings report, they are getting an average of $3.19 per tooth in 2015, down from $3.43 in 2014. Even worse, this is the second year in a row that the value of teeth has gone down.  

Kids living in the Northeast receive the cash most per tooth, with an average of $3.56, while children down south get a measly $3.09. Chillingly, 10% of households reported not paying their children any money for their teeth, leaving those youngsters with no motivation whatsoever to make their baby teeth fall out.

Sad to say, but the only way kids are going to be able to make up that lost revenue is by stealing other people’s teeth. Either that, or getting a paper route so they can stop relying on goddamn teeth to make money.

Pathetic.

Remember Friends? That sitcom from the nineties about a group of twenty-somethings getting mistakenly accused of planning to hijack planes?

(Go to 1:25 to get right to the bomb jokes) You wouldn't think a TV show like Friends would incorporate a lot of sensitive, controversial material, but then Chandler Bing goes and opens his big mouth.

These deleted Friends scenes were originally supposed to air in October 2001, but they were rightfully pulled because of September 11th. In the canned subplot, Chandler and Monica are interrogated by airport security after a series of farcical misinterpretations over who is going to blow up what and how serious they are about it.

The deleted content has been on YouTube for years, but it's going viral right now. Probably because despite how cringe-y the whole airport arc is, the lesson that you don't have to make everything into a joke—ahem, Chandler—is timeless.

He gave us an inside look at the food culture of dads living in Upper East Side. 

Anthony Bourdain threw a slumber party for his 8-year-old daughter Ariane, and like a true celebrity chef, went above and beyond for the post-sleepover breakfast:

What an awesome dude. Andrew Zimmern would never do that sh*t. 

This video will melt your heart unless you're an inhuman beast who hates kittens.

It really can't be said enough: that kid had a situation. But it's worth noting he had something else: several armfuls of kittens. In the end, he took that unfortunate situation and turned it into something wonderfully comedic. A situation comedy.

Kelly Clarkson managed to turn the awfulness of Tinder into something bearable.

From her unparalleled voice to her ability to maturely deal with Internet trolls, Kelly Clarkson is just great. One thing that's not so great is Tinder. Anyone who has spent any time being single in the last few years has been part of this sad dating funhouse. But leave it to Kelly to turn people's real Tinder profiles into a bevy of short, perfect melodies.

She switched up genres, tempo, and vocal stylings to bring the world an amazing, concise one-woman show about modern relationships. Seriously, somebody get Kelly on Broadway or turn this into a full-length show because this is the best thing I've seen in a long time.

This one basic human reaction is the engine that powers digital innovation.

Wow. Good thing that baby is contained within that weird little baby-sock thing, because her excitement is nigh on uncontrollable. Seriously, it's gonna be all downhill from here because that may be the most excited I've ever seen a human being get about anything. We all like to say "the day I got married" or "the day my kid was born" is the happiest day of our lives, but there's a good chance it was really the first time you met a puppy or kitten which you don't even remember because you were a baby.

Megan Fox has decided she would rather be incredibly good-looking by herself.

Brian Austin Green, from Beverly Hills 90120 and nothing else that comes to mind, has had his marriage to bombshell Megan Fox canceled after five years due to the lead actress’s unhappiness with the direction of the relationship. They have been together for more than a decade.

Though the marriage has been on hiatus for the last six months, and cancelation seemed imminent, it is now official. Fans of the marriage include their two children, Noah, 2, and Bodhi, 18 months, whom we can only assume are very disappointed to see the romantic storyline come to an end. 

Fox has been spotted canoodling with four turtles.

If Jennifer Aniston wanted us to know what her wedding dress looked like, she would tell us. And not have a top secret wedding with elaborate diversions to try to keep the event private from the public and the press.

Anyway, is this her dress? TMZ points to a potential clue hidden in an old episode of reality show Say Yes To The Dress. In the clip above, which aired in April, an associate at dress store Kleinfeld's tells a customer trying on a Mark Zunino gown:

"I know the dress really well. I actually picked this for Jen Aniston to wear on her wedding day. In my head, this is Jennifer Aniston's dress."

A lot of people are interpreting this to mean that the woman literally sold that exact dress to Jennifer Aniston to wear at her wedding. And it does sound like that's what she's saying. But this definitely raises some alarm bells.

First of all, Aniston was trying so hard to keep her wedding secret that she built a decoy shed to hide party supplies and told guests they were invited to Justin Theroux's fake surprise 44th birthday party. Don't you think she would have taken precautions to avoid having her dress blabbed about on a reality show? And when the woman said "in my head" it's Jennifer Aniston's dress, did she mean because she associates the dress with Aniston or because in her mind it would be the perfect choice for Aniston? Also, wouldn't a good way to get a woman to pay $8,000 for a dress she'll wear one time be to invoke Jennifer Aniston? 

And finally, would Jennifer Aniston buy a wedding dress at Kleinfeld's? If so, then what is the point of being a celebrity? Can't she have a custom gown designed by, like, the ghost of Coco Chanel? I mean, for goodness sake, she's a star!

There's still a whole month before the next debate. Until then, enjoy Bad Lip Reading's dubbed version. It's somehow more bizarre than the original.

My first thought when seeing Bad Lip Reading's dubbed video was "how could it possibly be funnier than the source material?" There may never be a piece of television as deliciously fresh and in-your-face as the first Fox News presidential debate of the 2016 cycle, but that doesn't mean learning about Donald Trump's pet pigeon, Lucas Don Velour, isn't amazing in it's own right. Also, they totally nailed how icky Ted Cruz is.

Related: How not to die if you’re playing a #GOPDebate drinking game tonight.

Sunny Burns is a 26-year-old model and actor who is currently working as an English teacher in Bangkok, Thailand.

If you haven't been keeping up with the news, there was a tragic terrorist attack Monday night in Bangkok. The police are still on the hunt for the bomber and released a video of the him leaving the backpack that allegedly contains the bomb. You can watch the video below.

Around the same time, Sunny posted two Instagrams in response the attacks:

A bunch of hate-filled accusations started pouring into Burns's inboxes, in what soon became a public witch hunt. His immigration papers were posted online, as was his address. He quickly turned himself in to the police to clear things up. According to Burns:

'When I arrived [at the police station], I only know a bit of Thai, and the big scary boss he came and started screaming at me and I thought, "Oh my God, this is a set up. I'm going to be like Schapelle Corby but the terrorist version.'

He explained the truth to them, and luckily, the Thai police listened. He was there for six hours, and helped them find footage of himself during the attacks, which definitively proved he wasn't the attacker.

I probably would've gone to my country's embassy first, but according to Burns, he had "no other choice." Thank god the Thai police was methodical and didn't jump to any conclusions. Now watch this video of Burns in a burger commercial to get your mind off things.

Great news, everyone: No matter how much you f*cked up today, you probably didn't f*ck up this much.

You probably did something smalldumb today, right? Maybe you spilled coffee on your keyboard, walked into a glass door, or stepped on your dog's tail. My smalldumb today was accidentally hitting a table with my arm while carrying my lunch and spilling said lunch all over the floor. Smalldumbs are fine; we have 'em every day, and they're easily fixable. 

But according to this YouTube video from Mohamed Qutteineh, a couple of days ago in Saudi Arabia, someone had a bigdumb. This dump truck driver was cruising down the highway with the ol' dumper raised, and took out a whole bunch of highway signs. That's a bigdumb.

Oh, and if you did f*ck up this much today, I'm sorry to remind you about it. But hey, you know what that popular song says (and I'm paraphrasing here): "Obla-di, obla-da, nobody's going to remember the dumb sh*t you did in like three months."

As great as the headline is, the real schadenfreude is in the details found in his profile.

On April 25, Josh Duggar helped lead the Family Research Council's "March for Marriage," in Washington before going home to see if his cheating profile had any messages. (via)

After ascending to fame on the back of his family's very conservative and productive breeding practices, Josh Duggar became executive director of the Family Research Council in 2013, a right-wing lobby dedicated to fighting gays and their desire to participate in marriage, which the FRC believes is the building block of civilization.

Related: In (dis)honor of Ashley Madison, here's the best of partners caught cheating on other networks.

It's a good thing he already had to quit in May for molesting four of his sisters and another girl when he was a teenager, because they probably wouldn't have looked too kindly on his having paid almost $1000 to maintain a profile on adultery dating website AshleyMadison.com for over two years.

His cheating bills apparently went to his grandmother Mary's house, where his wife gave birth to their first child, and where his sister and her husband now live.

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. (via Gawker)

This was revealed by Gawker, where writers are presumably pouring over the leaked data to try to find all the stories they can to replace the memory of that time they outed a random guy for cheating on his wife with a male prostitute this summer. I'm not complaining. Consider your stink washed in my book, Gawker, because these details are amazing. Here, for example, are some of the agonizingly boring sex acts Josh Duggar sought outside the marriage:

“Conventional Sex,” "Experimenting with Sex Toys,” "One-Night Stands,” “Open to Experimentation,” “Gentleness,” “Good With Your Hands,” Sensual Massage,” “Extended Foreplay/Teasing,” “Bubble Bath for 2.” 

And here are some of his turn-ons (which basically translate to "please be a human female"):

“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” ”Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,” ”Short Hair.”

Aside from one-night stands, I don't see how you couldn't get that at home after you've already convinced a woman to buy your "stay home and reproduce a lot" sales pitch. But enough about me reassuring my wife reading this that everything is great (hi, honey), let's talk about the best part: the fact that when he started a second account for his new life as a political activist in Washington D.C., he paid a $250 refundable "affair guarantee" that said he'd get his money back if he didn't successfully cheat within three months.

I thought you believed in traditional cheating, Josh. The hard way. At a bar. (via Gawker)

Given that 95% of the users were actually men, with almost all of the women on the site being fake accounts, it's likely safe to say Duggar just didn't want the hassle of asking for that money back. Plus, he canceled his accounts in May 2015, which probably-not-coincidentally was when his whole touching-kids past came out. He probably thought "this is not a good time to cheat on my wife. Not like before, when it was definitely a good idea. Man, I'm so smart."

For more details on how Gawker is sure this is Josh Duggar, as well as more of his turn-ons, desired sex acts, and private messages, check out their full story.

"Oh, I'm sooooo difficult to find, huh? Well, how about this, nature show host: I'M RIGHT F*CKING HERE." — This whale

This is what I imagine this whale was saying to itself while listening to BBC host and Zoologist Mark Carwardine talk: 

This guy thinks he knows me. But I'm undefinable, man! You think I'm a mammal, but we both know I'm just a big warm fish. And hey, while you're stating all these "facts" about me as a whale, you didn't even ask about me as an individual. Maybe I'm a great singer-songwriter. Maybe I'm better than Jewel, man. But you don't know, because you didn't ask.

Oh. What's that? And now you're saying I'm hard to find? No, f*ck that. I'll f*cking show you that I am not what you think I am. I'm surfacing, bro!

If that is indeed what this whale was thinking, he was probably not too happy when Carwardine started laughing at him.

"Modern Family" actress Ariel Winters is only 17, but she was already sick of how people only talked about her boobs.

They were admittedly very large and lovely! But so are lots of things. Mountains. The Empire State Building. The Infinite Jest by the late David Foster Wallace. We don't sexually harass any of those examples, however, unlike teenage girls who are in the media spotlight.

Ariel, best known for playing Alex on the hit ABC sitcom Modern Family, has had a rocky road, with a very well-publicized emancipation from her parents at only 16. Plus, she's a child star! Everyone watches child stars, licking their chops like rabid beasts for the moment they cross the finish line at 18. Or they check in with them 10 years later and are absolutely shocked by how a child actor could grow up into an adult with a hot beard.

Ariel told Glamourhow she decided she couldn't take one more leer:

Glamour: How often would you read what people were saying about you? It wasn't just message boards—well-known outlets were writing about your cleavage in their headlines.

Ariel: That’s pretty much all I was known for and that upset me. It made me feel really uncomfortable because as women in the industry, we are totally over sexualized and treated like objects. Every article that has to do with me on a red carpet always had to do with ‘Ariel Winter’s Crazy Cleavage!’ Or ‘Ariel Winter Shows Huge Boobs At An Event!’ That’s all people would recognize me by, not, “Oh, she does great work on Modern Family.”

Sad. But on a happy note, she's recovered well, going from a 32F to a D. I knew a girl in high school who went from a G to a C, and she was also pretty vocal about having zero regrets. Boobs are hard on your back, your front, your wardrobe and the way you view other people, because you view other people as jerks who won't let you have a moment's peace because of your body! At least Ariel is happy:

Glamour: And physically, how are you feeling now, post-surgery? 

Ariel: I feel great. It was such a quick recovery for me. I was up and running within five days. The feeling of not having so much there was such a relief! Once the surgery was completed, I can’t even explain the feeling. [A week later], I was buying clothes and crying as I put them on, I was so happy. You just feel so relieved and excited. You feel like a new person. You feel like this is how I was supposed to be.

Good.

Aran Khanna, a rising senior studying computer science at Harvard, decided to get an early start on his summer internship at Facebook.

He never thought he'd be punished for it, though. The "crime?" Publishing an academic journal article on a flaw in Facebook Messenger application. Khanna noticed that whenever someone sent a message through the app, their exact location was sent along with the message, regardless of whether or not they were friends with the person they were messaging. To highlight this flaw and see how the public (and Facebook) would react, Khanna made a Chrome extension called the "Marauder's Map," which allowed people to see the exact location of the people messaging them, give or take three feet. The extension was downloaded over 85,000 times, and after Khanna spoke about it in a blog post on Medium, it was written about by over 170 global news publications. Then Facebook got involved. According to Khanna:

The afternoon of the 27th, one day after the Medium blog post's publication, Facebook contacted me. My future manager phoned and asked me not to speak to any press; however, I was told that I could keep my blog post up. [...]

By midday of the 28th, the global communications lead for privacy and public policy at Facebook requested by email that I disable the extension. I complied within the hour [...]

On the morning of the 29th, three days after my initial posts, media reported that my Chrome extension was turned off and no longer viable. Additionally, Facebook had tweaked its code to remove location data from browsers. [...]

On the afternoon of the 29th, three days after my initial posts, Facebook phoned me to inform me that it was rescinding the offer of a summer internship, citing as a reason that the extension violated the Facebook user agreement by "scraping" the site. [...]

On June 4, nine days after my original posts, Facebook officially announced a Messenger update with a new feature requiring users to opt into sharing their location during chats. Sharing would no longer be the default. [...]

Khanna wanted to test Facebook's "reputation for encouraging outside-the-box 'hacking,'" and Facebook failed the test miserably. It appears they only want people thinking outside the box when it doesn't cause any trouble. Or at least, only thinking outside the box from within the safety of the box of Facebook's campus. So what if Khanna violated the terms of the user agreement? He did so to make their product better, and they've already benefited from his discovery of this flaw, but punishing him for doing it. Silicon Valley likes to pretend that it's forward thinking and unconventional, but this just highlights one of the many ways that as a whole, it's actually pretty conservative. Companies like Facebook like to mythologize their rag-tag, dorm room beginnings, but now that they're big corporations, they use this veneer to hide their more sinister, big corporation tendencies. That's why we all need to delete our Facebooks and communicate solely through Neopets. Take that, NSA!