Just wanted to email you something on Cyber Monday that isn't a sale offer.
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I hope the hype of Cyber Monday helps you forget it's Monday.
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I'm sorry your December birthday is overshadowed by a guy who wore sandals indoors.
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I look forward to blaming a drone for losing a birthday present I never got you.
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This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early.
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Sorry you get too drunk every weekend to ever get a cute new profile picture.
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Even if we found out we were cousins, I'd still want to bang you.
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The only thing I plan on giving you for the holidays is the creeps.
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Sorry your birthday cake requires so many more candles than a menorah.
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Small Dating Victories Every Woman Should Celebrate
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Happy early Christmas from someone who's already eaten their way through 3 1/2 weeks of an Advent calendar.
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Bitching about other people not working really makes the day fly by.
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The best holiday gift you can get me is never asking for help carrying or disposing of your Christmas tree.
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Just a reminder that I won't be working over the holidays or any days leading up to them.
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'Tis the season to mock a dead tree by making it wear embarrassing trinkets in public.
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I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work.
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I love how I look when you've been drinking.
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I'm doing my job one new trainee at a time.
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I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.
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I'd like to invite you over for the holidays and apologize in advance for my grandfather's dirty jokes.
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