Feel cheated by your university? Try selling your entire educational experience on Ebay.

Stephanie Ritter came away from her time at Florida State University older, wiser and $40,000 dollars in debt. She also had a degree in theater. How has this set her up on her path through life? This is what she told BuzzFeed News:

“I thought, 'this piece of paper has so much worth to so many people, but for a theater major, it couldn’t mean less.' I’m doing the exact same things and probably getting paid the exact same amount as people that dropped out halfway through freshman year, except I’m still $40,000 in debt and they’re, well, not.”

If someone purchases her receipt of sale on an education for $50,000, it will cover her debt and leave her with $10,000 to spare. Think how many headshots that will cover! And the buyer won't just be getting a useless piece of paper. The purchase also includes this very detailed list of perks:

FULL FLORIDA STATE EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

• A TOUR of Florida State University including everywhere you would have gone/eaten/partied in your four years at FSU. (Possibly includes, but not limited to: Suwanee Hall and a possible Ms. Killings sighting, Jimmy Johns, Mr. Roboto, dinner at Cool Beanz, burgers & beers at Monks, drinks at Poor Pauls.)
• Access to all of my college memories/Facebook albums for 6 months! (access to any memories by phone or text between 10-7 Sunday-Thursday, so you can give someone the most authentic specific memories straight from my brain to their ears)
• A show (on me) at the FSU School of Theatre (on opening night, if time permits!)
• I will rent a car and show you the best view of the capitol building (where it looks most like a penis)
• A walking tour of the theatre where I performed How I Learned to Drive.
• A driving tour of the spots I got speeding tickets in between classes!
• A very quick drive by my former drug dealer/yoga teachers house so as not to arouse suspicion.
• **A TOUR OF ALL OF MY FAVORITE PUBLIXES INCLUDING SWEET TEA AT EACH LOCATION!!**
• A walking tour of all the trash cans my ex silently projectile vomited in on our way to big events.<3
• IF timing permits, AN AUTHENTIC FSU HOME FOOTBALL OR BASEBALL GAME!

Getting quick access to the best spot for viewing the capitol building as a penis is worth a thousand, at least. Stephanie does clarify though:

PS. Please note I can only provide transportation to and from Tallahassee for myself. Again, I work as a personal assistant and am selling my college diploma on eBay. Thanks for understanding.

Now, what exactly would you, the person bidding on this item, do with someone else's college experience at your disposal? She has some suggestions for that too:

Ways you could use this diploma:

• Write on your resume that you have it!
• Pose proudly next to it for a Facebook picture!
• Hang it on the wall in your office!
• As a very large coaster!
• As set dressing for a movie about someone that went to a State School!
• If your name is also Stephanie Ritter and you have $50,000 laying around for a really solid joke!

Wow, Stephanie thinks of everything. It's hard to understand why this girl doesn't have a better job. Unfortunately, there still no bids on this item. Maybe too many people already have college degrees they're not using?

Hi Everyone. I see a lot of unfamiliar faces out there, because I was the only childhood friend even invited to this wedding.

Let's hear it for the bride and groom, Nicole and... Specter? Scooter? Spencer? Spencer. I just met him for the first time in the receiving line. 

I know that Nicole is many different things to people here today. She's a daughter, a sister, a wife — and she's a former best friend whose only communication with me over the last 14 years has been liking my Facebook statuses, but only the ones where I post pictures of my cat, and none of the ones about how my life is actually going. And she's a woman who would invite me to her wedding and ask me to speak even though we know nothing about each other as adults. Nicole, I want you to know that when I get married, there is no way in hell I am asking you to speak at my wedding. That's my gift to you.

So what can I say about Nicole? Pretty much only things from before 2001, or things that I inferred from scrolling through several years' worth of her social media postings. According to Instagram, Nicole is a happy woman who eats a lot of brunch. I think she might always be eating brunch. She especially likes Bloody Marys and crispy potatoes, which she likes captioning as "Bloods and Crisps! LOL." If Scooter also likes eating brunch and jokes about gang names, this marriage is going to be great. Or terrible. I don't know.

I remember two years ago, when Scooter first showed up on Nicole's Facebook page. She posted way too many pictures with him. Many of them were selfies that they tried to take in front of sunsets, but their heads usually blocked most of the sunset and it was very difficult to see their faces in the low light. And I remember the day that Nicole got engaged, because that was the day that I unfollowed her on Facebook because seriously, you do not need to post an entire album that has 22 different pictures of your engagement ring.

Let me tell a personal story about Nicole, because that's something that should happen during a wedding speech, and I am really grasping for content here. When we were kids, we used to play a game we called "Who are you going to marry?" Nicole said that she would marry a tall man with blond hair, which is basically the opposite of Scooter here. But we were kids, and kids do dumb things. For example, when I was three years old, I ran around my house naked, yelling "I want to be a body girl!" which I apparently thought was some sort of exciting nudist. So really, anything that someone says as a child doesn't have much bearing on who they are as an adult. Or maybe Nicole gave up finding her tall blond man and settled for someone she doesn't find attractive because she's afraid of never popping out a baby if she doesn't lock a guy down now. Again, I don't know where her priorities are these days. Maybe we should have at least gotten a coffee together before this wedding. You know, like that time when we should have gotten a coffee after we both said that we were going to UNH but then Nicole got accepted into Yale and decided to go to Yale without even asking me. Because I certainly knew what her priorities were then.

So, please join me in toasting the end of this sham speech so I can now get properly drunk and make out with one of the groomsmen. But not the one with the lip ring. It's 2015, man.

Even the world's fastest man can't avoid the terror of a renegade Segway. 

Usain Bolt has been making a bit of a comeback after two years of dealing with hamstring troubles. He won the 100-meter sprint at the world track and field competition in Beijing on Sunday. Today, he won the 200-meter sprint at the same competition. When the event was over, he took a victory lap with the other medalists, basking in his glory with the Jamaican flag draped over his neck. A videographer was following him on Segway when, all of a sudden, he lost control over his vehicle and rolled into him from behind. Luckily, Bolt quickly recovered and didn't sustain any injuries. The cameraman is in the hospital, however, with a case of near-fatal humiliation. 

I hope they checked the caliber of his diaper before doing that.(via)

Dildos. Tampons. Grandparents. Butts. What do these things have in common? They are often in the backgrounds of photos taken by people who leave their dildos, tampons, old people and naked butts out so often they didn't even notice that they were there. As more and more of our lives are captured in photos and videos, the risk of our embarrassing personal items/body parts continues to rise, until finally we'll be forced to hide all of our embarrassing things before we turn on our devices every morning because the world is one giant webcam. On the other hand, it won't be all bad because we'll get to look at everyone else's embarrassing stuff. Like these folks:

To be fair, this guy is kind of a dick for making this photo all about him.(via)

Man, there's just boobs coming out of the woodworks these days. (via)
 

5 minutes later he walked by again. And then 5 minutes after that. And so on.(via)

Not technically uploaded online, but someone should have cut away here. (via)
 

Selfies really do reveal a lot more about you than you intend.(via)
 

Plot twist: That's her hairdresser, he just has a very unusual working style.(via)

 

I guess they got two copies so their kids can watch a dvd that's never been seen by
someone smoking a crack pipe. (via)
 

A great part of traveling is seeing how other people behave on the beach.(via)
 

Son, you'll always remember when I took your picture tonight in my tighty-whiteys. (via)

I'm more interested in meeting the people behind you and to the left. (via)

Someone has really thought of everything for tonight, not even including the Miller High Lifes,
clothes hangers and remotes. (via)

That's a cute top. That, on the other hand, is a horrifying bottom. (via)
 

Just a long, curved toothbrush holder in case she needs to freshen up at the dance.(via)

She should've checked her background in real life, as well.(via)

Ah. The romance of what is hopefully Europe.(via)

Either way, these two are exhibiting great teamwork.(via)

Sweater made me think bowling alley, but now I'm more worried 'cuz it looks like Denny's.
(via)

I'm more concerned about that old dude barging in like that. (via)
 

Uhhhh. Actually. EVERYTHING is wrong with this picture. (via)
 

Apparently, the person who posted this had it on their fridge for years before noticing. (via)
 

Small and available beats huge and nonexistant. (via)
 

Sometimes even white linen suits could stand to be a little breezier. (via)
 

This is a brief way of summing up college. (via)
 

In case you ever wondered what happened to the guy who built a 6-foot bong in college. (via)
 

Road Rassh. (via)
 

Someone's nephew wanted to share his video game stats. He also shared his love of
beautiful, sensual women who love the same thing. Also, he is not TechnoViking. (via)
 

If you turn the picture upside down, you can see the same shape between the glasses.(via)

Goodbye University, Hello Unemployableness! (via)

I can't believe this creep is wearing sunglasses indoors. (via)

It turns out Christians find cows holy after all. (via)

We must all be on the lookout for small men riding our family members. (via)

Yeah, you're probably not going to have 147 updates anymore once this gets out.(via)
 

The ass is coming from inside the house.

Can we talk about the angle of that woman's arm? Definitely more disturbing than the coke.

I now realize all my friends' annoying gym statuses could be a lot worse.

And why shouldn't Grandma be proud? Those muscles are made of her cooking.

Only in New York! Or, wherever this is. Only in wherever, am I right?

The really weird thing? It's not a mirror, it's a window! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.
 

I don't care if she is a little tall, young lady, you do not call a giraffe your grandma.

I assume we're all laughing at his Wall of Hats.

Oh my god, are those Uggs back there? That is revolting.

I'm pretty sure that man just successfully shoplifted some produce in his pants.

Can we talk about how wearing sunglasses is already like blurring your eyes?

More like the cat should have checked the foreground of his picture, am I right?
 

Oh, hello Robin Thicke. Is sliding fingers up not-your-wife's butt a blurred line?

Why does he think people on the subway want to see that shade of blue?

There are times I'm glad the zoom technolgies on CSI are impossible.

The pre-show was them making violent threats from the casting couch.

Who just leaves bottled water out in the open like that?
 

It's like a Calvin and Hobbes sticker come to life.

These bees have weird stingers.

Could it be more disturbing? Try to rule out the possibility that it's a dead deer. See?

That is not a ladies' room, and suddenly the whole world is in question.

No wonder that man in the back doesn't need to care what he looks like.

I'm pretty sure the Wizard is in there too, but I can't find him!
 

Good question, person who inserted that arrow. Who needs that much generic Immodium?

I guess the guy in the background is grabbing the gun in his underwear.

The dress says a night out. The item on the dresser suggests otherwise.

Granted, modesty doesn't seem to be the theme of whatever show they're prepping.

Ah, 2007. An more innocent time when people just let their dildos hang out wherever.

Folow-up question: his ball, where is it?
 

They're like cleavage twins, except one of the twins is way less attractive.

Those kangaroos took the only shot they had at making a sex tape involving Paris Hilton.

That woman is riding a mechanical bull, FYI, not receiving oral sex from Satan.

The fourth leg of any good triathalon involves a marathon ball-scratching session.

We understand, rocker lady. Bassists never get the groupies.

It's unclear whether or not he's peeing, but he's clearly not in the bathroom.
 

What makes this exponentially worse is he was being interviewed about the Boston bombing.

Why are his shades pixelated but not his ass in the mirror?

"And in the back, you can see James doing his pre-workout cleanse." (pause at 00:21)

Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a baby and dru-ugs.

Is that the same pink dildo the Boston guy had?

Guess there's more than one stuffed animal in this house. HEY-O. Sorry.

Maybe instead of Facebook you should upload this to, we don't know, the police?
 

Any kid who can steal the focus away from four pretty ladies is going places in life.

.

"Grandma's retirement home is like college, except no one has class or cares about STDs."
 

I'm surprised the phone isn't an Android.

.

It took me a long time to realize that Georgia was a dog.
I just thought that was a really rude way of describing this part of Georgia.

.

You should also do it for the love of dog, because they don't like being merkins.

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Stacks 'n stacks 'n stacks of high-quality printer paper.

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Her skin issues require being surrounded by tons of healthy skin.
Also, don't think it's a dude.

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I don't know who any of these people are, but I'm mostly interested in Bigfoot.

But when I say it's just the pants making it look that way, no one believes me.

.

Consider it a preview of everything before potty training is done.

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I can't tell if he's being dangled or retrieved.

.

Say what you will, this kid will grow up to be great on social media.
 

All the ladies are wearing them at the Kentucky Derby these days.
 

Technically that's in the foreground, but it started in the background, and they
really should have checked.
 

We're glad everything cleared up in time for you.

It is not a nice day for a white wedding.

No, Mitch. We all lost, thanks to you.

That is an impressive backside...of that hill covered in graffiti.(via)
 

Kent.... such a total Kent.(via)
 

New at-home weight-loss trick bends space itself. Physicists HATE her! (via)
 

Not for sale: the biological weapons at the bottom of the picture.(via)

Mt. Rushmore is visited by millions of fans of Homer & Bart Simpson every year.(via)
 

'Pis the season.(via)
 

Looks light there might be some pants, bunched up around the ankle area.(via)

 

Does a lazorcat chase the dots it creates on the wall?(via)
 

Awwww. Don't ever grow up, or turn around within the next few minutes.(via)
 

Seems like there's enough balls on the tree, but only one Yule log.(via)
 

Summertime, and the living is...creepily in the background of girls' pictures. (via)
 

Most baby pictures are used to embarrass the kid later, but this little baby's foot photobomb will haunt its dad for life.(via)
 

Taken moments before the Keene, NH Pumpkinfest riot, which presumably started because OF THAT SCANDALOUS KISS! (via)
 

Fortunately, the genetics of intelligence are pretty complex, so don't give up on her yet.(via)

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If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that our shadows are always bangin'.(via)

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The album title of "Randomness" makes me wonder about what happens later. (via)

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Well, to be fair, it's more like someone should have done a background check on that kid's parents. (via)

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Uh, why would you want one?(via)
 

Apparently, their tour guide insisted this was the best photo op in the cave.
What a dick.(via)

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Don't worry. She doesn't remember it.(via)

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Alright, fine. This background is pretty awesome. They actuallytried to take another oneand the same thing happened again. (via)

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Actually, if you look closely, literally everyone is taking a bad picture here.(via)
 

Peemur. Yep. I went there. Peemur.(via)
 

An oldie (and on TV), but a classic. Situational awareness, CNN. Try it sometime.(via)
 

Hint: Aunt Sally is crouching behind grandpa.
 

I'll go first: I offer myself as sacrifice to this dress!

Let's look at a still photograph from what is hopefully a piece of avant-garde performance art.

There's a new trend: college housing adorned with poorly spray-painted bed sheets with lettering that would make a font creator cry. The signs above were hung on a house where a bunch of Ohio State University male seniors live, just one day after the Internet freaked out when similar signs were hung at Old Dominion University.

Oh! Wait! Maybe it's a satellite exhibit from Dismaland! That would be a far superior explanation than the alternative, which is that some college almost-men still act like stereotypes of themselves. At the very least, we can all agree on two things:
1. These sheets have never been washed.
2. The messages on them are sexist.

Another issue is that the messages don't really make sense. Daycare? What kind of child prodigy goes from daycare straight to college? I think the sign creators mean "babysitting," because the sex-tivities these dudes have planned take place in the possibly-roofied, definitely-beer-filled nighttime hours. Here's another sign that was submitted to Jezebel by OSU student Abigail Slone.

Gross! These morons don't know anything about emergency contraception OR proper lettering for large-scale signage. WCMH interviewed two OSU students who live in the house, this is what they had to say:

Justin Miller: “Our motive is just to have fun, it is college.”

Alex Sheets: “People have been saying we are misogynists, we are sexist, we are degrading towards women. My dad, he is a good Christian man, I am a good Christian man, but we just do this for fun. We are not trying to cause any havoc or stir up any trouble, we are just trying to have some fun.”

It appears their motive is fun and, unfortunately, not performance art as I had hoped. Maybe it'll be on their syllabus next semester to learn about the harm in perpetuating rape culture (yes, we realize these banners Have Always Existed, but this is the year we Point Things Out, so that Maybe Things Can Gradually Change, dammit!).

A PTA in Rockland, Texas decided to cut to the chase: f*ck bake sales. F*ck them right in the ear.

The options on this form are all things most of us are too polite to say outside the privacy of our catalogue-filled kitchen. That's what makes this note so very, very refreshing. There's even a payment option allowing you to buy a complete erasure of your name from all future PTA fundraising efforts. That's worth so much more than a box of stale donut holes could ever supply.

The woman who posted it, Dee Wise Heinz, wrote in the comments:

I'm all about helping out at the schools and supporting my children, but when you have 3 kids in school who are also doing extra-curricular activities as well, sometimes even one "simple" fundraiser is just more than I can tackle. It's never that simple, and in our house, it's never just one. I loved their sense of humor, obviously coming from parents who've been-there-done that, and they understand. 

Exactly. Being a parent is a huge job even before you start running a small business on the side to pay for soccer jerseys. Break out the checkbooks and move on with your lives!

Or do things still happen organically in this world?

A Charlotte couple made it on the news after the future groom "accidentally" dropped the engagement ring in the ocean during the proposal. He didn't even get any words out before he dropped it! That's correct. This photogenic, shirtless gentleman, Matthew Picca, and his gorgeous fiancée, Kayla Harrity, just happened to botch their engagement at a venue where onlookers can watch from above and assist with ring retrieval in shallow water. Which is precisely what happened—people immediately came down and dove into the water to help. Three of these volunteers were young gentlemen who'd had a few beers, which always helps you act like a hero at the bar. A few generous patrons even ran to grab goggles and flashlights to assist the mission. And those volunteers kept feeling around underwater until someone finally found the ring.

After successfully getting the ring back from the water below the boardwalk, the onlooking crowd chanted for him to propose again. This time, they completed their engagement without any more wacky mishaps. Thankfully for him, she said yes, though it would've proved this was real and been a spectacular story if she said "no" after everyone hopped in the ocean to help search for the ring. But since it was completely real, they then posed for pictures with the onlookers who had helped by asking them to get on all fours, presumably for a human pyramid, or because they're preparing to hunt them for sport.

If this really was an accident, they're not in the clear yet. Because once you give something valuable to the sea, you cannot take it back. The sea remembers, because she is a bitter mistress that will take back what is rightfully hers.

Rapper Chief Keef, also known as "Sosa," named his newborn child "Sno Filmon Dot Com Cozart." 

Let's break this down:

Sno– According to Keef's record boss Alki David, the child's first name is Sno "in order to promote" Sosa's upcoming album.

Filmon Dot Com– Alki David is a Greek billionaire heir to a Coca-Cola bottling fortune. Here's a picture of him with Sosa:

David runs a sketchy TV streaming website called www.filmon.com. He started a record label under the same name called FilmOn Music. Chief Keef is his biggest client, so the child's middle name is also being used as a promotional tool.

Cozart– Chief Keef's legal name is Keith Cozart. 

So yeah, he's basically using the painfully awkward baby name as an advertisement. This is the 20-year-old rapper's fourth child (possibly his fifth, but that's a different story). Our hopes and prayers go out to Sno Filmon Dot Com Cozart for his first day of school, and every day after that until he can get a legal name change.

David Lynch called to say he's retiring because he can never top this.

The best part of this cat's existential crisis, in my opinion, is the fact that the dog seems fundamentally unaware that it is wearing a mask. The dog is just pumped that the cat is paying attention to it for once, I'd imagine. The cat, on the other hand, is probably wondering whether it should lay off the catnip. Here's the source video:

How many hits until everyone hits the dance floor?

 

New first for us...a "Weed Bar!" Can't get the late night treats out fast enough! #keepportlandweird #bridalblissnw #weedbar #marijuanabar

A photo posted by Bridal Bliss (@bridalblissnw) on Aug 8, 2015 at 9:20pm PDT

An Oregon couple recently featured a very popular free weed tent at their wedding for guests to enjoy. It is perfectly legal in the state of Oregon, and we're sure to see more of this in states that allow recreational marijuana. Kudos to this couple for keeping it classy and free, because someone will ultimately do a cash bar for weed at some point. Monsters. 

The tent featured a "budtender" serving up 13 different strains. That is far more options than you ever encounter with top-shelf liquors at a good open bar. It was a complete success with guests, including an 81-year-old woman who got high for the first time in many years. You go, girl.

You should probably avoid smoking at a reception if you get paranoid or very quiet while high. The last thing you need is to amplify your fear of never meeting someone while simultaneously not being able to make small talk. Let's hope weed at weddings also manages to replace flower arrangements and gift favors that are left on the table. Just imagine all the ways that edibles will make each course of the meal more interesting. They'll definitely make the speeches more interesting, at least.

Stephanie Stephens is a teacher in Oklahoma City who takes the Sorting Hat very seriously.

Stephanie must also take teaching very seriously if she's gone to this much trouble to recreate a Hogwarts on top of her much more drab, non-magical school. Her husband took the pics of her hard work and threw them up on Imgur, where they quickly went viral. Stephanie told Good Morning America that she plans to sort her students into the different Harry Potter houses and let them win points through good behavior. Hopefully, it doesn't turn into a Stanford Prison Experiment situation, with Slytherin kids going murderously evil through the power of suggestion.

Incredible job, Mrs. Stephens! Accio Education!

In order to seem hip and up-to-date, the Oxford English Dictionary added a bunch of new words for the Internet-savvy generation. 

Every year, the Oxford English Dictionary adds a handful of new words to their lexicon, because language is a constantly evolving form of communication (take that, you prescriptivist punks!). Now, we could just tell you what the coolest new words are, or, we could give them to all of you in the form of a short-story. What's that? You want the latter option? Are you sure? Well, if you insist...

I was at a fast-casual cat café reading about Brexit and Grexit, munching on some cupcakes from a local cupcakery while I petted a fur baby. I actually had to pay a cakeage to bring in my own cupcake, but I digress. The clock struck wine o' clock (or was it beer o' clock? I can't remember.), so I got the rando barista to serve me some Pinot Noir. We started talking, and I learned that she was a social justice warrior but also a redditor and ran an awesomesauce subreddit about her videogame pwnage and the deradicalization of fat-shaming. She had to leave, because a fatberg messed up the toilets so she had MacGyver them. It was cool. I was like "mkay, bruh" definitely not butt-hurt or anything — she had a job to get done. I was waiting for my friend Mx. Dennison, anyways, but they hadn't shown up yet. All of a sudden, I had a butt-dial (Or was it a pocket-dial? I can't remember.) to this Manic Pixie Dream Girl I used to know. I got a text afterwards, and we exchanged some bants. All of a sudden I got really hangry, so I ordered a barbacoa sandwich and watched a glanceable video compilation of some kayfabes. My order was ready, but I had a brainfart and didn't hear the guy at the counter. I was just man-spreading, playing with some meeple from one of the café's board games. All of a sudden, the server yelled my name and did a mic-drop, so I got the sandwich, which turned out to be weak sauce. Eating it was like a microaggression. All of a sudden, some cops came in because of a swatting call. Then I died. 

Here are the words, in non-short-story format, in case you don't have time to read my masterpiece.

awesomesauce (adjective): extremely good; excellent

bants (noun): playfully teasing or mocking remarks exchanged with another person or group; banter

barbacoa (noun): (in Mexican cooking) beef, lamb, or other meat that has slowly been cooked with seasonings, typically shredded as a filling in tacos, burritos, etc.

beer o’clock (noun): an appropriate time of day for starting to drink beer

brain fart (noun): a temporary mental lapse or failure to reason correctly

Brexit (noun): a term for the potential or hypothetical departure of the United Kingdom from the European Union

bruh (noun): a male friend (often used as a form of address)

butt dial (verb): inadvertently call (someone) on a mobile phone in one’s rear trouser pocket

butthurt (adjective): overly or unjustifiably offended or resentful

cakeage (noun): a charge made by a restaurant for serving a cake they have not supplied themselves

cat cafe (noun): a café or similar establishment where people pay to interact with cats housed on the premises

cupcakery (noun): a bakery that specializes in cupcakes

deradicalization (noun): the action or process of causing a person with extreme views to adopt more moderate positions on political or social issues

fast-casual (adjective): denoting or relating to a type of high-quality self-service restaurant offering dishes that are prepared to order and more expensive than those available in a typical fast-food restaurant

fatberg (noun): a very large mass of solid waste in a sewerage system, consisting especially of congealed fat and personal hygiene products that have been flushed down toilets

fat-shame (verb): cause (someone judged to be fat or overweight) to feel humiliated by making mocking or critical comments about their size

fur baby (noun): a person’s dog, cat, or other furry pet animal

glanceable (adjective): denoting or relating to information, especially as displayed on an electronic screen, that can be read or understood very quickly and easily

Grexit (noun): a term for the potential withdrawal of Greece from the eurozone (the economic region formed by those countries in the European Union that use the euro as their national currency)

hangry (adjective): bad-tempered or irritable as a result of hunger

kayfabe (noun): (in professional wrestling) the fact or convention of presenting staged performances as genuine or authentic

MacGyver (verb): make or repair (an object) in an improvised or inventive way, making use of whatever items are at hand

manic pixie dream girl (noun): (especially in film) a type of female character depicted as vivacious and appealingly quirky, whose main purpose within the narrative is to inspire a greater appreciation for life in a male protagonist

manspreading (noun): the practice whereby a man, especially one travelling on public transport, adopts a sitting position with his legs wide apart, in such a way as to encroach on an adjacent seat or seats

meeple (noun): a small figure used as a playing piece in certain board games, having a stylized human form

mic drop (noun): an instance of deliberately dropping or tossing aside one’s microphone at the end of a performance or speech one considers to have been particularly impressive

microaggression (noun): a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority

mkay (exclamation): non-standard spelling of OK, representing an informal pronunciation (typically used at the end of a statement to invite agreement, approval, or confirmation)

Mx (noun): a title used before a person’s surname or full name by those who wish to avoid specifying their gender or by those who prefer not to identify themselves as male or female

pocket dial (verb): inadvertently call (someone) on a mobile phone in one’s pocket, as a result of pressure being accidentally applied to a button or buttons on the phone

pwnage (noun): (especially in video gaming) the action or fact of utterly defeating an opponent or rival

rando (noun): a person one does now know, especially one regarded as odd, suspicious, or engaging in socially inappropriate behaviour

Redditor (noun): a registered user of the website Reddit

social justice warrior (noun): (derogatory) a person who expresses or promotes socially progressive views

subreddit (noun): a forum dedicated to a specific topic on the website Reddit

swatting (noun): the action or practice of making a hoax call to the emergency services in an attempt to bring about the dispatch of a large number of armed police officers to a particular address

weak sauce (noun): something that is of a poor or disappointing standard or quality

wine o’clock (noun): an appropriate time of day for starting to drink wine

GOP frontrunner Donald Trump is taking a strong cookie stance.

Oreos has recently started downsizing on jobs in the U.S., with one of their larger factories in Chicago going from 1,200 to 600 positions. To continue providing Americans with the dunkable treats they crave, they're opening up plants in Mexico. The company actually started this slow siphoning of paid positions in late 2014, when they opened their Mondelez outpost in Salinas. There are supposed to be four more production lines as soon as 2016. 

Mexico, Donald Trump's nemesis! Donald Trump has now said on the record:

"I'm never eating Oreos again."

He did add that if he could find some made in the U.S. he might partake of a tasty treat. Sooooo, The Donald probably doesn't actually care that Oreo factories are moving to Mexico so they can pay people less and relax their standards and quality control in a country with different health and safety regulations. He's happy to support their company generally, unless a Mexican is touching the cream in the middle. Then it's all, "No thank you, I'll drink this glass of milk by itself."

"I think you should not wear something itchy" might be the most practical first date advice I've ever heard.

Getting ready for a first date can be stressful, but Cosmopolitan came up with the perfect fix: get small children to do your makeup and give you a pep talk. This is great for two reasons. First of all, kids have very straightforward advice, like telling you to order the goddamn steak and potatoes if that's what you want instead of ordering a cheap salad. Second, having a small child do your makeup is perfect, because you don't have to worry at all what you look like. You just say, "A child did my makeup," and as long as your date understands that children do not have fully developed fine motor skills, you're in the clear. 

"Somebody's got a very nice wife." — Donald Trump, wife expert.

I can't tell you why Donald Trump got Univision reporter Jorge Ramos kicked out of a press conference earlier this week just to bring him back for an extended verbal sparring match. That's just a thing Trump does, like cover things in gold. But here's one thing that's shaking my sense of what's intrinsically Trump and blowing my mind: at least one random person in America can say she pulled on his hair, and it's real. Or she was just sparing his feelings because she's nice or because the Donald is really good at palming wads of cash to people. Either way, I've kind of always wanted to see this.

I'm just making an assumption, but I don't think these women got extensive plastic surgery because they're agoraphobics who love hiding their faces.

Georgina Clark, 38, and Kayla Morris, 20, are a mother-and-daughter plastic-surgery-getting duo from the UK. To date, they've spent $86,000 on changing their appearances, and have each gotten a boob job, Botox, lip work, cheek fillers, and "semi-permanent makeup" to try to look like model Katie Price, their idol. All of this work has been funded by Kayla's stripping and sugar daddy, and yes, that does sound like the plot of a screenplay written by a girlfriendless college freshmen dude who decided he wanted to make something "about women."

Do I personally like the way these women look? Not particularly, although part of that has to do with some real questionable lip liner decisions. Do I think that elective plastic surgery is a great thing? Nope; it makes me sad that there are so many men and women who are so unhappy with their appearances that they feel the need to pay thousands of dollars to surgically change them. But if spending $86,000 to try to look like some other woman makes these ladies legitimately happy, then I am stoked for them, because it can be so goddamn hard to find what makes you happy in life.

Is the car chase dance the new smiling mugshot? Or just the new "really, really stupid move"?

On Wednesday night, police in LA chased down the suspected car thief you see above. After she popped a tire and was finally cornered, she got out of the car and, instead of glumly turning herself over, busted out some moves to Future's "Where Ya At." ABC7 noted that "The woman is believed to have been under the influence," which is the most obvious statement of the rapidly waning summer. 

Last night Conan did a "scrapisode" featuring outtakes from rehearsals, and unearthed this informative gem.

While wearing what are presumably his "weekend clothes," Conan reads aloud a text message exchange he had with Adam Sandler, who apparently is his bro. Helpfully, he reads all of Sandler's texts while doing a pretty spot-on impression of his voice. 

The exchange followed a parent-teacher meeting at the school both of their kids attend. Conan wasn't paying attention, so Sandler volunteered him to come into school every Thursday. Then they continued the bit via a series of texts, because they just can't turn it off.

The antics probably spiced up that parent-teacher meeting for the other participants, who were probably, like, Madonna and Billy Crystal.