87-year-old Liang Xiuzhen needs surgery to remove a large horn-like growth from her skull.

I hope you got over your childhood unicorn obsession, because if you were still into them now, this picture would ruin them for you forever. Of course, what you're seeing isn't actually a horn – it's a "cornu cutaneum," a rare form of keratinous skin tumor.

According to the Mirror, Liang Xiuzhen first noticed a small black mole on her head seven or eight years ago. She complained about it itching to her son, who treated it with traditional Chinese medicine until the itching stopped. But the growth didn't go away. In fact, two years ago it grew into a small horn the size of a pinky finger.

Like anyone else in her situation, Xiuzhen couldn't resist picking at it. She eventually broke it this past February, and it turned out to be the worst thing that could have happened. It grew back faster than ever before, and quickly turned into the whopping 5-inch rhino horn you see above.

Now, Xiuzhen has had enough. The horn has gotten so big it prevents her from sleeping, and it bleeds from time to time. It's also led the people in her small village in Sichuan Province, China to start calling her the "unicorn woman." Very original, villagers.

Her family finally took her to the hospital, where doctors recommended removing it surgically. Her relatives are worried about her going under the knife at her age, however. They don't want to put her in danger, even if it means her living the rest of her life as a mythical beast. If that's not love, we don't know what is.

Now that we know who we're voting for in 2020, what are we supposed to do until then?

One option would be to remix Kanye's VMAs speech into as many variations as possible to celebrate its content in all possible forms. It's been two days since he announced his bid for the presidency, and we already have an absurd remix of it with a laugh track on YouTube, which was then morphed into a Seinfeld closer by @Seinfeld2000.

What will we see next? The possibilities are endless, and the future is bright.

Your first time getting wasted is never cute.

But hopefully just a few people on your freshman floor saw you puke in the lounge and they don't remember anything from that night.

The adults featured in this BuzzFeed video never had that experience, for one reason or another, and so they've decided to get drunk for the first time on camera so that millions of people can see them get fun and silly and excited and then sad and weepy and desperate. It's pretty miraculous that neither of these pairs of strangers starts making out, though there is some hair-smelling. 

That would all be sufficiently embarrassing, but then BuzzFeed makes them reflect on what they learned from the experience, as if this video was made as an educational resource for young kids debating whether alcohol will solve all their problems. 

It won't. But distracting yourself from them with viral videos of other people doing stupid shit might do the trick. 

Kim Davis is a county clerk who is illegally refusing to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples. She knows about the sanctity of marriage, since she's done it 4 times.

Writer and sex columnist Dan Savage appeared on MSNBC to address the Kim Davis case, in which a Kentucky county clerk has been refusing to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples. Because she's a Christian...who hasn't read the Bible, apparently, since she's been divorced 3 times and married 4. Hope this last one sticks!

Davis will be appearing in federal court on Thursday for a contempt hearing to defend her decision to ignore the requirements of a secular job that simply requires applying the law as it is written. Why does he think anyone in their right mind would do this? MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!:

“I think Kim Davis is waiting to cash in. I predicted from the beginning that she would defy all the court orders, defy the Supreme Court, she would ultimately be held in contempt of court, lose her job, perhaps go to prison for a short amount of time. And then she will have written for her, ghost written books. She will go on the right-wing lecture circuit and she’ll never have to do an honest day’s work ever again in her life. This is about someone hypocritically cashing in, and she is a hypocrite.”

And why would she think such a low-down dirty trick would work? Probably because other nobodies randomly denying gay people fair treatment under the guise of religion have totally cashed in, like the doughy bigots who raised a million dollars on GoFundMe after saying they'd never cater a gay wedding. With pizza. The favorite choice for gay summer weddings. 

This case is particularly hot, and it looks like it's boiling over into the GOP race. No word from The Donald yet, but even Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham was like, "Do your job, lady." Actually, what he said on the conservative Hugh Hewitt Show radio program was, "As a public official, comply with the law or resign… The rule of law is the rule of law. We are a rule of law nation. I appreciate her conviction, I support traditional marriage, but she’s accepted a job where she has to apply the law to everyone.”

Even your supporters think you're wrong, girl! But if Savage is right and the issue is money, it's unlikely that Kim Davis will suddenly see the logic of the situation, even though Dan Savage so clearly outlines it for her:

“She’s not being asked to perform a sacrament, she is tasked with ascertaining that the people in front of her, the couple in front of her, have a legal right to get married and to provide them with that license. She is not a minister. She actually thinks she works for God there in the county courthouse, when she actually works for Caesar — and someone needs to acquaint her with that fact.”

Learn it, live it, love it, and let all these affianced couples get on with planning their pizza party.

The other day, I looked over at my eleven-year-old daughter sitting on the couch and had the unsettling realization that one day she'll get married.

Even worse, it could be to a total douchebag. And while I can't prevent her from dating a string of undeserving boys in the coming years, I hope to give her a few tips to help her figure out which ones not to marry when she's ready.

1. Any Guy Who Doesn't Own At Least One Suit

The recommendation here is not to go out and marry some businessman or corporate killer with a closet full of Hugo Boss. Instead, just avoid any grown ass man who makes a point of not owning a single suit of any quality, because not owning a single suit takes effort. It's something you eventually can't avoid owning unless you're trying to. For some damn reason.

Life happens to you. You graduate. Friends get married. You interview for certain jobs. Loved ones die. I don't care how hip and laid back you are, life still has numerous occasions where you need to kick off your floppy hat and Birkenstocks and put on a damn suit. A good marriage takes maturity and flexibility, and I can assure you some dude holding fast to some stupid abstraction like avoiding suits because it means he's a free spirit will hold fast to all sorts of unnecessary personal battles.

2. Any Guy Who Absolutely Loves Forrest Gump

You can tell a lot about a man who worships this 1994 Tom Hanks film about a simple man who knows what love is. Forrest Gump is swell, but people who think it's the greatest are, in a phrase, painfully easy to please. For them, the best beer is Budweiser. The best sex is missionary. The best vacation includes at least one water park. They are people of simple tastes and if you asked them to explain why Forrest Gump is the best movie ever made, they'll give a list of GIFs. If the deepest metaphor you ever heard is, "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get," then your standards are also like a box of chocolates: square and likely sickeningly sweet. How would you know a guy like that even loves you for you? He probably thinks anything with two breasts and a vagina is fantastic.

3. Any Guy Who Is Hung Up About Performing Oral Sex

I hope I have the guts to have this conversation when the time is right. (Some time in my daughter's late 30s). It always shocks me how many men feel not performing oral sex is an option. Even as a sexually-retarded junior high school boy watching 80s porn, I saw every single guy go down on every single woman. That was just the deal. Trading oral sex before engaging in all manner of penetration. If even a bunch of cheesy, mullet-wearing, mustached dudes know you're supposed to orally please your partner, how are so many men out there missing that message?

"But what if I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared?" asks a man, probably driving a very large and expensive car. Well, then that's significant, too. Performing sexual acts you're uncertain of can be intimidating, but if your dude is letting his own fears shut down something you want rather than talking about that fear, that's going to affect the relationship in non-sexual ways too. Any man who can't or won't modify his sexual behavior to address your needs will likely refuse to modify his behavior in other ways—whether that's work schedules, parenting issues, or remembering to take out the recycling. (I mean that literally. "Taking out the recycling" is not a sexual euphemism.) The point is sexual flexibility is a sign of respect.

4. Any Guy Who Hasn't Read A Book Since High School

Not everyone's a reader, and I wouldn't advise my daughter to marry only English majors, but I would tell her to avoid any guy who's running from books because it reveals a deep lack of curiosity. I'm not saying it has to be high literature. I'm not even saying it has to be fiction. I'm talking about any book. Even my book!

Cutting yourself off from an entire form of learning, enjoyment, and experience is a form of arrogance. Anthony Hopkins once said he based his T.V. portrayal of Hitler on a quote that Hitler had a huge personal library he never read because his mind was made up. I'm not saying anyone who doesn't read books is Hitler, but you don't want to marry a man who is so uncurious or arrogant to believe he's got nothing to learn. Convictions like that don't end with books. Also, don't marry Hitler.

5. Any Guy Who Can't Laugh At Himself

If your partner can't be teased, you're going to have an awful lot of work to do. You can tell a lot about a man who laughs at himself and all the things you can tell are good. Marriages are filled with compromising positions and fuck ups and you need someone who can fess up with a chuckle when he gets busted masturbating to that episode of Thundercats where Cheetara does that thing with the thing. (Purely hypothetical example).

Laughing at yourself also takes trust. The people who love you most should be able to point out your foibles. And if they're doing it with humor, odds are they care about doing it in a gentle way. There is a huge difference between gentle teasing and vicious sarcasm. There is a difference between being critical with love and being critical to destroy. And that's the whole point. Someone who can never laugh at himself doesn't trust the person they're with can criticize them while still loving them and wanting the best. And that is a recipe for disaster.

A very long game of fetch.

Two children that had been missing for a night have been found safe after they followed their dog into the woods. The brave little troopers stuck with their dog after getting lost, but apparently the dog had no intention of leaving, because they all had an unplanned camping trip. The dog did end up leading the children out to safety the next morning. A resident who saw them alerted authorities, who found them unharmed.

The kids were reunited with their parents, and were most certainly lavished with attention and a meal of their choosing. As for the dog, it will likely be the recipient of a very short leash and a huge fence in the backyard.

Stevie Miller made a shocking discovery when she looked inside her new beauty blender.

Stevie Miller is a 20-year-old woman from Norfolk, UK. She has her own YouTube channel where she posts makeup tutorials. But this experience defied even her expertise. She had recently acquired a new beauty blender as a gift from her sister, who had purchased it online. She was very pleased with it until she noticed a small hole toward the tip, with something black inside.

Assuming it was something from her makeup bag that had gotten stuck inside, she pried it out. What she discovered was enough to horrify anyone who's ever used a beauty blender or any other product.

There was a large beetle inside the sponge. The sponge she had been rubbing on her face for days. Feel free to take a minute to stop hyperventilating before reading on.

Miller steeled herself and cut open the beauty blender to figure out the truth. Inside, she found a total of four bugs – a whole merry family. She also found one large disembodied insect wing. At that point, she totally freaked out.

Thankfully for us all, she captured her full freak-out in a Facebook video. That video has quickly gone viral, both for the gross-out factor and her hilarious reactions, which are only improved by the fact that her mother is Skyping in for the whole thing. As of now, the clip has been viewed almost two million times and shared more than 20,000 times. People really want their friends to be scared away from wearing cosmetics.

After watching this video, you may have trouble ever feeling clean again. That's normal. Stevie Miller said it best in her video herself:

"I need a shower, I need bleach, I need Jesus."

Take all three and call us in the morning.

Want to buy a 1995 Ford F150? This one seems like a bad bet.

Want to buy a piece of garbage that barely runs? You probably will after watching this commercial. This dude's cynical rundown of everything that's wrong with his ancient, gasping method of conveyance is so charming, it totally seems worth the low low price of nine ninety-nine ninety-nine. Say it again. Nine ninety-nine ninety-nine. NINE NINETY-NINE NINETY-NINE.

Rosebud...

No amount of "I was being ironic" can salvage these awful selfies.

Selfies are annoying just on their own, but they are extra terrible when someone's only reaction to a tragedy is "Oh my gosh let me photograph myself in front of it!" Here's a collection of the absolute worst violations of selfie etiquette, in case you're wondering how to be the worst type of person on social media. 

1. The fire selfie.

2. The 9/11 Memorial selfie.

3. The Chernobyl selfie.

4. Your grandma's funeral selfie.

5. The Pearl Harbor selfie.

6. The Anne Frank House selfie.

7. The car accident selfie.

8. The post-Trayvon Martin court case selfie.

9. The homeless man selfie.

10. The depressurized cabin selfie.

11. The Auschwitz selfie.

Basically, you can just do whatever you want once you're a senior citizen.

Howard Arthur Klein is an 87-year-old man who was arrested for allegedly trying to pay a woman to have sex with him in in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The woman ended up being a cop, so like, the total opposite of a prostitute. Howard denied the charges, saying that the reason he slowed down to talk to the female-officer-posing-as-a-sex-worker was because he thought it was a woman from his church. Oh, Howard! Really laying it on thick with that excuse there, buddy!

Even though his "church lady" alibi is a bit contrived, the charges ended up getting dropped anyway. Prosecutor William Forsyth said, "What would be the purpose in prosecuting him? He wouldn't and shouldn't go to jail, and 87 years without involvement in the criminal justice system has, in my opinion, earned him a pass."

Apparently simply just being old gets you out of doing hard time for roaming the streets trying to get your dick hard (sorry, so sorry).

Below is an interview with Howard, which he ended by saying, "God bless you all, I'll pray for you tomorrow in church." Stay holy, Howard!

After much talk of prayer and privacy, Jessa Seewald is finally insinuating that she thinks her brother is trash too.

It's hard to keep track, but Jessa Seewald was once Jessa Duggar and is still, unfortunately, Josh's sister. She's also allegedly one of the young girls he molested as a teenager, and has previously spoken up in his defense. Well, the time for turning the other cheek has finally passed. Today Jessa tweeted a link to an article on her in-laws blog, in which they talk some serious sh*t (in Bible speak) about all of Josh's recent misdeeds on Ashley Madison, OkCupid, and everywhere he can get it:

It distresses me to say that Josh Duggar’s greatest sin is a byproduct of the sum total of his secretly sinful lifestyle. That is, that by his hypocrisy, he blasphemed the name of God. He claimed to be a Christian, but by his deeds he has suggested otherwise. With the name of God on his lips he lived a covert and extensive lifestyle of evil. While proudly saying things like, “Our family is like the epitome of conservative values”, he was looking at porn and soliciting affairs.

Josh is supposed to be at a faith-based sex addiction clinic right now, but if he has access to Twitter, this is sure to be one more "oh f*ck" on the sh*t sandwich his life has become. It's hard to guess how many more Duggars will break ranks in the coming weeks, but the various families who were eager to connect themselves to America's most famous marital breeding program seem pretty ready to distance themselves from Josh now. Let's hope they pool their resources towards getting Anna Duggar a chopper ride the hell out of there. 

She had been dreaming of this day ever since 2008 when she saw Twilight.

You can meet your soulmate, spend thousands of dollars on your wedding, and surround yourself with your loved ones, but it's all meaningless unless you get a picture with a famous person. Love is not real unless you get at least 100 likes to back it up. And yes, feel free to use that in your vows.

Fortunately for a couple who got married last weekend at the Culloden Hotel in Northern Ireland, there were plenty of celebs on hand to take the type of viral wedding photos that make a marriage last.

Most importantly (because fame gives a life importance), Robert Pattinson was in the hotel. According to the wedding's photographer, who spoke to Mashable, some of the wedding guests spotted Pattinson at the hotel bar and "reported this back to the bride." Then a group of guests went into the bar to take some pics (and probably try to get turned into a vampire).

Meanwhile, Mr. Taylor Swift himself, Calvin Harris, was also staying at the hotel, as was a member of band The Script.

That means, as tradition says, that the newlyweds will have a long and happy marriage with lots of memories and followers.

A 27-year-old man in China had been suffering form severe constipation for 10 years.

He had gone to doctors before, but they had no idea what was happening to his colon until his most recent visit. Basically, a huge dookie was lodged in there that made it expand so much that it was smushing his heart:

A series of X-rays revealed that the patient’s heart had shifted to the right because his colon had swelled to twice the normal size, CEN reported. Doctors diagnosed him with congenital megacolon, which can cause paralysis of the movements of the bowel and can sometimes lead to fecal tumors.

Surgeons later removed an 11-pound stool that had lodged itself in the patient’s colon and caused his severe pain.

 Congratulations, you now know that "fecal tumors" are a real thing.

Now 18-year-olds have a legit excuse for being on the site.

Pornhub has a philanthropic division called "Pornhub Cares," and they are now offering a $25,000 college scholarship. By the looks of it, this is a very straightforward scholarship. 

Pornhub very much takes this to heart in that we work hard to help make millions of people feel happy every single day. In turn, we would like to help support the recipient of the first annual Pornhub Cares Scholarship to realize their goal of doing the same.

To mark the launch of Pornhub Cares, we are offering a $25,000 scholarship to one carefully selected recipient! Whether you are studying medicine, botany, paranormal psychology, or anything in between, application is open to all fields of study so long as you have a GPA of 3.2 or higher.

The good folks at Pornhub are having some fun with their choice of words, if you look closely at the "majors" they mentioned. You can't study "medicine" as an undergraduate, but biology or chemistry would be very fitting majors to receive endorsement from a porn site. There is some graduate-level paranormal psychology research, but it's extremely difficult to fund. Botany departments have mostly been folded into biology and agriculture departments. They might as well have listed "pizza delivery science" in there too.

There is a written essay section, and a video submission, which requests that applicants "submit a video 2-5 minutes in length that elaborates on the good work that you do and anything else that you might want to say." Let's hope none of the video submissions include multiple camera angles.

This group of Brits tried to take an iPhone picture but didn't know how.

So they ended up accidentally taking a video of the whole thing, and it is amazing. One person tries to take the picture, another person tells them they're doing it wrong, and then they just bicker over the phone for a minute in the most beautifully British way possible. Note to self: Spend my last years in the English countryside with a squad of Yorkshire folk. 

Don't worry, they just took a selfie. Bear didn't make him drink his own pee or anything.

If you haven't been reading the news, Obama is in the middle of a big trip to Alaska. He's already renamed a mountain! He also recently met up with Bear Grylls to talk about environment conservation or fitness or something, and the two of them took this selfie together, which Obama posted on his Instagram with the accompanying "pun" in the caption.

Glad this was the only Bear I met in the park. -bo

Did you make that pun, Obama? Or did you have an intern do it? You're better than that. Seriously, I might be laying my feelings bear here, but I can't just can't bear to look at it. Gahhhh, come on, Bearack.

This guy discovered the worst possible recipient of an accidental nude: his brand new employers.

Do you ever do that thing where you're so excited about your new job you just have to send someone a sexy pic of yourself, but you're thinking about your new job so you send it to the HR department instead?

A 23-year-old man in Chicago landed himself a brand new job and managed to un-land it just three days later. He made the age-old mistake of accidentally sending the HR manager who hired him a steamy, nude self-portrait. Oh, and then made the worse mistake of doing it again two days later.

According to The Chicago Tribune, the recipient of the now-unemployed-man's selfies called the cops. The man admitted to sending the pictures, saying they were meant for someone else. Probably someone who has the same first name as the lucky person he was trying to seduce.

I assume it's not brand-specific, but I'm not keen on gathering enough ants to test this with my Android phone.

So far, the best explanation I've seen is that the vibration basically freaks the ants out a little bit, and so they shy away from the phone (leaving pheromones telling other ants to do the same) a little bit. The cumulative effect of all the ants avoiding the phone but leaving each other "follow me" trails creates the circle. The other explanations I saw involved electromagnetic waves, which is the kind of thing people who don't understand electromagnetic waves tend to say. I'm not an ant physicist, an ant chemist, or even an ant sociologist, though, so I really have no idea either. What I do know is that this is weird. (Some are also saying the ants are CGI because they appear to pass through each other—but I think that's just because they're small and they're dark and also ants do bump into/walk over each other all the time.)

Related: Enjoy/be grossed out by this carnivorous plant devouring 6,000 termites an hour.