I would rather be sitting on a toilet with no toilet paper than with no cell phone.
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My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.
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I don't know if going on an actual date would be as fun as continually checking my phone to see if anyone wants to date me.
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Let's make the tree in our living room watch one of its kind burn in our fireplace.
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Studying for finals is great training for a lifetime of working hard at something you don't care about.
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I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
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Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.
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I'm never happier than when I'm with you and we're talking about me.
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I hope you have the best birthday that a person who can barely function in society can have.
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My best trait is the ability to hide all my terrible traits.
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It takes twice as long for me to not get anything done on Monday as it does the rest of the week.
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Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.
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We hope our Christmas card alerted you to how much better our family is doing than yours.
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Small Victories Every Holiday Traveler Should Celebrate
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I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.
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Sorry I moved my desk in a way that makes it difficult for you to view porn at work.
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Commuting to work in a snowstorm is all the work I'm doing today.
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Curious if you'd like to grab a drink before my genitals go into winter hibernation.
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Congratulations on your new little mess maker.
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I hope you really like your present so I can lord over you how much better I am at gift-giving.
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