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I would rather be sitting on a toilet with no toilet paper than with no cell phone.


My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty things you did this year.

I don't know if going on an actual date would be as fun as continually checking my phone to see if anyone wants to date me.

Let's make the tree in our living room watch one of its kind burn in our fireplace.

Studying for finals is great training for a lifetime of working hard at something you don't care about.

I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.

Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.

I'm never happier than when I'm with you and we're talking about me.


I hope you have the best birthday that a person who can barely function in society can have.

My best trait is the ability to hide all my terrible traits.

It takes twice as long for me to not get anything done on Monday as it does the rest of the week.

Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

We hope our Christmas card alerted you to how much better our family is doing than yours.

Small Victories Every Holiday Traveler Should Celebrate

I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.


Sorry I moved my desk in a way that makes it difficult for you to view porn at work.

Commuting to work in a snowstorm is all the work I'm doing today.

Curious if you'd like to grab a drink before my genitals go into winter hibernation.

Congratulations on your new little mess maker.

I hope you really like your present so I can lord over you how much better I am at gift-giving.

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