Article 8
Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.
In an innovative new study, women chose their perfect penis from 3D-printed models.
Since the dawn of time, men have been insecure about their penises. And they should be – those things are weird. Regardless, some women seem to enjoy spending time with them, and even have their own preferences for what makes one better than another. Now, men need no longer worry about how their unit measures up. Researchers from UCLA and the University of New Mexico have conducted an exhaustive (and exhausting) study to find the perfect penis, and published their findings in the journal PLOS One.
Of course, this isn't the first scientific study to tackle this subject. In fact, most studies are about it. But previous versions have usually relied on women comparing 2D images of flaccid penises, which is no way to judge. That's like deciding which is your favorite Transformer based on what they look like as cars!
The authors of the new study used cutting-edge technology to 3D print penis models of various lengths and girths in hard, hard plastic. Assembling 33 of the models in scientific baskets, they challenged 75 female volunteers to grope around in there until they were holding something they liked. This method produced a more accurate result, because it allowed the women to judge based on the way the penises felt, in addition to how they looked. According to the paper:
“Humans judge sizes most accurately when visual and haptic information are available together… Both sources of data are usually available in sexual interactions.”
Hell yeah they are. The researchers also printed all the penises out of blue plastic, “to minimize racial skin-color cues.” After all, there aren't any rumors about blue guys having big ones (yet).
The women chose their ideals penises for both a long-term relationship and a one-night stand. The results for both were surprisingly close, and definitely reassuring. Any nervous wreck of a man who thought all women wanted a giant porn-style salami should be very relieved.
For a long-term partner, the women on average specified a length of 6.3 inches and a circumference of 4.8 inches. That's not much bigger than the American average of 5.6 inches, and way off the pornstar penises that are most men's only means of comparison. For one-night stands, the women politely requested a length of 6.4 inches and a circumference of 5 inches – just slightly bigger so the night will be memorable.
Sexual psychophysiologist Dr. Nicole Prause, the brains behind the study, told The Daily Beast that "men should be thinking ‘fit’ rather than ‘fat’ with respect to their penis size,” and that "women may prefer different sizes for different reasons at different times, so chances are very good any guy is someone's ideal for the relationship type they are seeking.” And that isn't just reassuring pillow talk – there's science behind it! She added that men who envy a large penis don't always think about the consequences:
“There is a cost with a larger phallus. All intercourse causes tearing and pushes bacteria into the vagina. A larger phallus probably causes more tearing and may push more bacteria into the vagina: not a good long-term option.”
That's an excellent point. Your average penis may not help you get work as a pornstar or a human hatstand, but it makes you marriage material. And you don't want to end up like this guy, whose 19-inch penis is ruining his life.
Federal judge gives Tom Brady his balls back.
The Patriots always find a way to win.
A federal judge lifted the four-game suspension the NFL had imposed on Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for the Deflategate controversy. That's right, a federal judge was involved in the critical issue of whether Tom Brady used footballs that were deflated below acceptable league levels. Despite issues plaguing the NFL like concussions and domestic violence towards women, they focused all their energy on the amount of air in their footballs.
In response to the decision, teammate and official bro Rob Gronkowski tweeted this celebratory and totally non-sexual pic.
Let's go! This season to be one heck of another ride!! #PatsNationpic.twitter.com/vFZ1vmBxAq
— Rob Gronkowski (@RobGronkowski) September 3, 2015
Now Tom can focus on the important task of the season, and hopefully his marriage to Giselle.
Boyfriend of teen who faked pregnancy with triplets got suspicious when she hit 10 months.
This would make great college essay material.
A teen from Wyandotte, Michigan used a website called "Fake a Baby" to convince her friends, family, and her boyfriend that she was pregnant with triplets for a whole ten months. She took things incredibly far, receiving donations from a church, a non-profit, and a Facebook group called "Moms of Triplets." She also named the triplets Ivan, Alice, and Isabella and had a baby shower where people brought her a bunch of gifts. Here's a selfie she took of her "belly:"
And here's a cake someone baked her for the baby shower:
Upon hearing the news, her boyfriend started looking for jobs, and was ready to dedicate his life to their kids. When interviewed about the situation, he told reporters that she explained her 10-month-pregnancy as being the result of a doctor wanting to prevent her from having a "micro-preemie," which doesn't make any sense because preemies come out early, not late.
Things started to unravel when her boyfriend's family couldn't contact any of the doctors she claimed to have visited. Someone on the Facebook group then realized that the ultrasound pictures she was posting were from Fake a Baby.
"Silicone Fake Pregnancy Belly." "Personalized Fake Prescription." "Fake Sonogram." These are all items that you can buy from Fake a Baby. I took a look at their website, and their advertisements are super weird:
The person from the Facebook group contacted the boyfriend's family, who then called the authorities. When detectives visited the 16-year-old, she cracked.
She claims that she lost the babies at six weeks and was too scared to tell people, so she chose the path of carrying out a long, unsustainable con. There's a chance that she was never pregnant at all, but then again, if you're going to fake a pregnancy, why would you claim to have triplets?
If it were me, I would've skipped town and started another fake pregnancy somewhere else. I'd just keep doing that, living out the life of a transient, pregnancy-faking con woman. Then I'd accidentally fall in love with one of the boyfriends I was conning, and it would challenge my transient, crime-fueled lifestyle. My life story would then be turned into a rom-com called Out for Delivery, and it'd get lukewarm reviews.
Man on news for saving family from fire wants to make it clear he rescued his BBQ ribs first.
"This is your viral moment. The kids are safe. The news wants to interview you...and you have a rack of ribs."
Gone are the days when some innocent person would be interviewed on a local news segment and get sky-rocketed to fame simply by being their most candid self. Now, everyone knows a moment in front of the camera is an opportunity to get auto-tuned and memed into oblivion. Robert Wright knew what was up when the Fresno KMPH Fox26 team wanted to interview him about the fire next door. Yes, there was a fire. Yes, he evacuated his family to safety. But what he really wants to talk about is THESE RIBS. He's almost giggling throughout the whole thing. The news station knew they were striking Internet gold, too. That's why they've emblazoned "KMPH NEWS" right over that juicy slab of meat. "We're all going to be celebrities," they shouted (probably).
Well, you did it. You're famous, Robert. And it looks like you also had a delicious dinner. We tip our hats to you, sir. Sigh. At least we still have bugs trying to fly into people's mouths.
This horse held its owner hostage for a neck rub. To be fair, it has an enormous neck.
A human-length neck massage is not adequate for a horse-sized neck.
You know how they always say your pets are only nice to you for food? That's absolutely not true. They are nice to you because they know you can get all those hard to reach spots and scratch the hell out them with your dexterous people fingers. This horse is not letting his rub machine get away if he can help it. If that man dropped over dead right now, the horse wouldn't eat his face. He'd roll on the guy's hands until he ground them into the stable floor.
Side note: that horse has such a long neck! It's almost as long as a giraffe's (this is not in any way accurate, but it feels true when you watch the video).
"Spoon" discovered on Mars. Could this be evidence of ancient soup?
The presence of hot, nourishing soup on Mars would certainly bolster the argument that life once existed there.
One sharp-eyed Mars enthusiast writing on the Unmanned Spaceflight message board spotted this kitchen instrument sticking out of the bedrock in a recent panorama from the Mars Curiosity Rover. Sadly for everyone who wanted to sample some Martian Gumbo, the reason this spoon is sticking out of the bedrock is that it is part of the bedrock.
It's a ventifact, which is something created by wind (as opposed to an artifact, something created through an art or craft). Specifically, the erosion is caused by sand being blown by wind—like a very slow sandblaster. Water is the dominant erosive force on Earth, so ventifacts here are mostly found in dry, sandy areas. On Mars, which is one big desert, they're pretty common. Of course, we're never going to stop people from seeing faces, women, or kitchen instruments on Mars, so why bother trying?
What makes us do this stupid thing, you ask?
Jerkhole judge forces divorcing couple to stay married so he can grandstand about marriage equality.
One judge decided a passive-aggressive swipe at the Supreme Court was worth leaving a couple married against their will.
The Supreme Court's ruling legalizing same-sex marriage has had two major effects on the country: it's made a lot of gay couples very happy, and it's led a lot of bigots to pull increasingly crazy stunts in a show of impotent rage. You've probably heard about Kentucky clerk Kim Davis's refusal to do her job and grant same-sex marriage licenses (and her subsequent jailing), but this guy is hot on her heels for the title of Douche of the Week.
Hamilton County Chancellor Jeffrey Atherton refused to grant a divorce to a heterosexual couple as a protest against the Supreme Court's decision. His twisted reasoning is that allowing gays to marry means that only the Supreme Court now has the authority to decide what is a marriage, and by extension, what is a divorce. If this idea doesn't make sense to you, congratulations! You're more qualified to be a judge than Jeffrey Atherton. Here's what he wrote in his ruling:
“The conclusion reached by this Court is that Tennesseans have been deemed by the U.S. Supreme Court to be incompetent to define and address such keystone/central institutions such as marriage, and, thereby, at minimum, contested divorce.”
Translated from legalese, what he's saying is, "Screw you. I want to be in the papers, so you have to stay married. Blame the gays and Ruth Bader Ginsburg."
Because of Atherton's decision, 65-year-old Thomas Bumgardner and his 61-year-old wife Pamela are forced to stay married. Atherton says he hopes they can work it out, but he obviously doesn't give a shit. If they do want to file for divorce again (they do), they'll legally have to come up with a different reason. Atherton rejected their original grounds, where were "irreconcilable differences." Maybe next time they should go with "asshole judge."
Kentucky clerk who approved only straight marriages goes straight to jail.
That'll happen when you defy the Supreme Court.
A federal judge held county clerk Kim Davis in contempt of court and ordered her jailed for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses. Federal District Court Judge David L. Bunning issued a straightforward ruling on the matter, stating simply that Davis cannot break the law or selectively choose not to do her job as an elected public official.
“Every public official is subject to the rule of law. No one is above the law. That applies to the president of the United States and it applies to the clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, as well.”
The judge also declined to fine Davis, noting that outside sources could easily fund and pay those penalties for her. Following the judge's ruling, Davis was immediately handed over to custody of U.S. Marshals. For those keeping score at home, that makes four husbands, three divorces, and one arrest for this holy warrior of purely secular paperwork.
Your roommate may suck, but at least they don't list your bedroom on Airbnb without telling you.
Robert Corwin returned home to find hookah-smoking strangers in his bed. Ewww, hookah!
Robert Corwin is a digital artist who lives part-time in California and part-time in Chicago. He enjoys keeping a stylish home and cultivating his man bun. To help cover his expenses, he had a tenant living in the spare bedroom of his Chicago condo. That all ended when he ran up against the worst case of roommate drama you'll read about today.
Corwin returned home from a trip to find some curious changes in his home. All of his liquor was gone, and there was a hookah in his living room. Was he the victim of an intruder who wanted to turn him into a different kind of hipster? No, it was much worse. He walked into his bedroom and found a strange couple living there.
As he was kicking them out of his house, they explained that they had rented the room on the website Airbnb. Corwin had never listed his house on the site, but he did some detective work and made a disturbing discovery.
His tenant had listed his room on the site, hoping to make some extra money while Corwin was out of town. He'd even used pictures Corwin himself had taken. Needless to say, that creep was immediately out on his ass, but Corwin wasn't done with his quest for justice.
He reached out to Airbnb for a response, but so far, he's just been brushed off. The company has this statement for all such concerns:
“Airbnb does not own, operate, manage or control accommodations, nor do we verify private contract terms or arbitrate complaints from third parties.”
Only when CBS News became involved did Airbnb issue a statement, in which they claimed they are "reviewing this matter fully." In the past, the company has been involved in similar disputes. Last year, a man rented his apartment and came back to find it was being used to host a massive orgy that inflicted almost $90,000 in damages. A similar story involved a Canadian couple whose home was used for a very destructive house party.
So far, Airbnb has maintained their argument that they only serve as a middleman and can't be held responsible for what tenants do. If these complaints keep mounting, however, the bad press may force them to change their policy. If not, hookah-toting creeps could show up in your bed tomorrow. Just listen to how horrified Robert Corwin is:
"It's awful. Someone invaded my nest."
His nest, you guys. And not the one on the back of his head.
5 things you learn when you plan a wedding for the first (and hopefully only) time.
Recently, my almost-wife and I started planning our wedding and realized what chumps we are.
Movies and television have raised us to believe that weddings are ceremonies that express a couple's love and the joy they've found in each other. As it turns out, weddings are actually giant long cons that allow the wedding industry to steal all of your money and for your relatives to steal all of your emotional money (soul coins, I call 'em). In order to prevent others from experiencing the Hieronymus Bosch-esque emotional hell that we're going through, I present the following lessons.
1. Weddings are about the bride.
When it comes to weddings, our culture is like a thoughtless spouse who forgets an anniversary and in a half-assed attempt to make it up to his wife, buys some truckstop Billy Joel cassingles at Wawa on the way home that night. It's not much, but it's something. And when it comes to weddings, Culture behaves the same way towards women. We may have oppressed women for millennia, but hopefully making weddings all about the bride will make up for that.
Which means that despite the fact that we've experienced four-plus waves of feminism, the mainstreaming of transgender rights, and have finally come to accept that boys can play with dollies too, hetero weddings are still stuck in some weird 1950s Eisenhower-y daydream where the bride makes all the planning decisions, and the groom is maybe expected to be conscious, or at the very least upright. Though I am in a thoroughly-modern, egalitarian relationship and despite having aesthetic tastes and thoughts about my own wedding, I have been treated by banquet hall managers and caterers as, at best, a dumb smelly moron that they hope will go away and, at worst, a dumb smelly moron they hope will be crushed by a train.
2. Even trivial decisions have the weight of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
The closest we've ever come to nuclear devastation was the stand-off between Kennedy and Khrushchev over the Cuban Missile Crisis. And to get a feel for the decisions you'll have to make when planning a wedding, just imagine that as the stand-off reached its peak and both world leaders had their fingers millimeters from The Button, JFK's mom barged in to the Oval Office screaming, "We have to choose a color for the missile silos! How do you feel about robin egg blue?"
Every minor decision you could not care about ("What length should the mothers' dresses be?" I dunno? Dress length? Somewhere between two and two million inches?) is suddenly before you, and may god have mercy on all our souls if you choose wrong. Because if there's one thing worse than a post-nuclear dystopian hellscape, it's the passive-aggressive disapproval of a parent over some useless facet of a ceremony that's purportedly about love and not what weight the invitation cardstock will be.
Of course, if Kennedy and Khrushchev had unleashed annihilation, at the very least, they wouldn't have to answer the question, "What hashtag should people use if they want to Instagram the nuclear holocaust?"
3. You're poor.
With the exception of my cousin who married the son of someone on that Forbes—what's the name of that list of people we're going to go after when the revolution comes?—The World's Billionaires List, right. With the exception of my cousin who married the son of someone on that list, the thing you find out pretty quickly is that no matter what kind of wedding you want, you are poor and you cannot afford anything even remotely nice and that at best your desserts are going to be some Little Debbie Swiss Rolls you bought at Costco on discount because they were just about to expire.
Why are weddings so expensive? Well, let's look at the etymology of the phrase. It turns out that "wedding" is an old Sanskrit word that means "Hey these suckers are in an emotionally vulnerable state, so jack up the price 100% because those chumps have no choice."
The wedding industrial complex is a lot like a Vegas casino: you go in with a spring in your step and all the hope in the world and end up deeply in debt begging the croupier for an extra roulette spin in exchange for a rimjob.
4. Friendships cost you.
And because weddings are so expensive, every facet of the wedding—including the people you want to invite—is suddenly viewed through a financial lens. Your friends aren't your friends anymore, but like one of those Looney Tunes cartoons where a starving guy sees his pal as a big talking hamburger, all your buddies start to look like floating dollar signs or big ol' magnets that suck the change out of your pockets.
Now, sociopaths probably categorize their human acquaintances by what they can get out of them. They're like social butchers chopping up a cow corpse into sirloin and flank steak. But normal, empathetic people like you 'n' me? You just have friends. Some you get dinner with regularly, some you just see at social events, but they're just FRIENDS.
But weddings must have been invented by Ayn Rand because they turn kind, empathetic people into ruthless, unfeeling accountants that must analyze their friendships and categorize them down to a fraction of a cent. I mean, when a shitty slab of beef and a handful of potato puffs cost $100 a head, you better be sure these people are your fucking friends and not just some goobers you chat up when you run into them at Chipotle.
5. Your wedding isn't about you.
And the biggest lesson of all is learning that your conception of what a wedding should be is radically different from what everyone else thinks it should be. A wedding is a ceremony celebrating the love between you and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, right? Wrong, you dumb, smelly moron! It's actually about your parents and friends and all their dumb, irrational, contradictory wants and expectations.
This isn't a meaningful ceremony about romance and commitment. It's a parental dick-measuring contest. An opportunity to show off in the hopes that someone at synagogue will say, "That was a lovely ceremony." It's a way for your parents to horse trade. "Well, we went to the Jacobson's kid's bar mitzvah, so even though our son's never met them, they should definitely be invited to this intimate ceremony."
Weddings are like a Hollywood blockbuster that has too many executives sticking their uncreative, MBA-laden noses into the creative process until the film turns into a celluloid turd. They're a bunch of compromises and appeasements held together by an emotional twine made out of the love between you and your almost-spouse. And if you're lucky, the twine will hold until this dumb special day is finally fucking over.
Cop accidentally leaves voicemail for reporter containing a lengthy discussion of her boobs.
ChaseOlivarius-McAllister, a Colorado-based reporter for The Durango Herald, called Deputy Sergeant Zach Farnam for some routine crime statistics.
He missed the call, however, so he called her back. This time around, she missed it, so he left her a voicemail and told her to call back if she still needed information. He put the phone down on the hook, but the phone didn't completely hang up, so the voice message was still recording. Farnam talked to a dog for about 10 seconds, then started discussing what he thought of Olivarius-McAllister's body with another police employee for a painful chunk of time. Here's the actual voicemail, with a transcript of the discussion about Olivarius-McAllister:
Farnam: My wife worked at the Herald. She fucking hated that bitch.
Second, unidentified police officer: She hot?
Farnam: Not hot. I mean, she’s got an OK body. I mean...
Unidentified 1: Giant boobs.
Farnam: Fucking giant, dude. I mean, not like quadruple Ds or anything. But at least a solid set of Ds, probably double Ds.
Unidentified 1: You know what? It’s that UK fish and chips. UK women have big tits. It’s how they’re — how they’re grown over there. I don’t know why.
Second Unidentified Officer: She is, uh...
Undentified 1: Why do they have fucked up teeth? I dunno, but it happens.
Farnam: I didn’t look at her teeth. But she doesn’t have like a real pretty face at all.
Undentified 1: She’s from the UK. She’s got huge tits.
Farnam: Yeah, and her skirt was like seven and a half inches long. And just.. extremely pale white. But, you know...
Unidentified 1: She’s a limey. A UK thing again. She literally grew up on a fucking island that’s always cloudy.
Unidentified 2: I don’t know why you have to be so hard on her.
This is yet another reason why people need to 1) not be sexist 2) stop using voicemails.
Watch people who were born in the 90s be shocked by what the "Macarena" lyrics really meant.
Los Del Rio's "Macarena" was inescapable in the late 90s, but not if you were literally a baby. Distractify sat these 90s kids down and shocked them with the horrible truth of its words.
They had a bunch of solid guesses as to what the gist of song was, such as "unhappy relationship" and "dancing." One guy doesn't quite understand what Spanish is, because he thought the song's non-English chorus was "gibberish."
They are shocked, shocked, that a pop song contains lyrics of a sexual nature.
It's relatively easy to overlook the lyrics that allude to an adulterous threesome if you were a toddler when the song was popular, but it's a little perplexing if you didn't know that the name of the girl in the song is Macarena, because they sing the words, "Hey, Macarena!" like 100 times.
Of all the losers to get a DWI this year, this girl who drives a Barbie Jeep now is the best.
License to ill.
Barbie Jeep Girl is a legend. #TXST19#TXSTpic.twitter.com/Z2zZQjESxL
— c l a r y (@_c_l_a_r_y_) September 3, 2015
A Texas State University junior has become a campus celebrity for driving a Barbie Jeep following a DWI arrest. Tara Monroe, an industrial engineering major, said her license was automatically suspended for refusing a breathalyzer test after a Waka Flocka concert. That is a very fun and impressive sounding way to screw up at college.
She hates riding a bike, so she opted instead for the Barbie Jeep. Her dope new wheels top out at an impressive 5 mph, powered from a 12-volt battery. She purchased it off Craigslist and is now the star of many tweets and snaps around campus.
YOU GUYS THIS GIRL DROVE A PINK BARBIE JEEP TO SCHOOL pic.twitter.com/7vQPnd01ZP
— Whatever, fuck it (@DallasRelates) September 2, 2015
Perhaps she can use that engineering degree to pimp her ride.
This kid's floating card tricks are awesome. Not like "attracting a mate" awesome, but neat.
Technically, it's "cardistry," not a card trick, but...yeah, I'm not going to call it that.
Zach Mueller is a very serious man. Or kid. I don't know him, don't ask me. One thing's for sure: he's really intent on his neat card stuff. They look like they're floating! Then it zooms out and it gets even more intense! But not as intense as Zach looks. He does smile at the end, however. It's totally worth watching the whole thing for the routine, but also so you can see that he's OK and not suffering from severe internal pain or anything.
Kylie Jenner uses her fame to fight bullying and we're unsure how to snark about it.
Now that I think about it, it's universally OK to make fun of her, friends turned when Caitlyn came out, and everyone critiques her body and face (which only just turned 18). Maybe this does make sense.
Kylie Jenner is doing something new with her Instagram account besides hawking lip-plumping products:
I am so excited to launch my new @Instagram campaign #IAmMoreThan. For the next six days, I will be sharing stories of 6 incredible people who have become heroes in their own way by taking#bullying and turning it into something positive. I’ve gotten to talk and bond with all of these people whose stories you will see on my page. I think you will all fall in love with them just like I did. I want to encourage you, my fans, to share something positive about yourselves. I'll be reading as much as I can so that some of you can be apart of this as well! Let's do this ❤️ #IAmMoreThan #StopBullying
That was, like, serious. And good! Kylie Jenner has 34.6 million Instagram followers, so no matter what you think of her or her family, if they decide to bring attention to an issue, it works. I like making Kardashian jokes as much (more, in fact, way more) as the next person, but it's hard not to nod approvingly when Kylie takes an audience that big and gets them to rally behind stories like Renée DuShane's:
Here's Renée's description in full:
#Day1 - Renee DuShane (@ALittlePieceofInsane) a 21 year old college student who was born with#PfiefferSyndrome. Renee described it as “a genetic disorder where the bones in my face don’t really know how to fuse correctly so part of my jaw is really small. I had to have surgery when I was born so that my brain could grow.” Renee is so strong willed and a super intelligent girl who told me that while growing up she never had many issues with bullying. "I went to school with all the same kids all the way through high school. Right around senior year, I started getting very anxious about having to explain my condition to all of the new people I would meet in college. I started going on Tumblr and saw lots of profiles of positive, confident people” that inspired her to start sharing her photos even with her insecurities. “It’s so hard to keep myself from responding to the negative comments,” she told me. “Even harder is keeping my friends from getting angry.” It's so important to have a great group of friends. Renee also told me about the tattoo she recently got of her life motto: Stay Strong, Always Love. “Loving is always going to be a better place than hating,” she shared. Check out Renee’s Instagram@ALittlePieceofInsane - she’s showing the world #IAmMoreThan my forehead. I love you Renee! She is so awesome & inspiring. Renee taught ME that #IAmMoreThan the negative comments that I read.
Uh, #IAmMoreThan a little verklempt right now, you guys. Harrumph. While only six people will appear on Kylie's feed, far more are telling their own stories on the #IAmMoreThan hashtag.
So, who followed that impressive first act on Kylie's feed? Why, it's successful plus-size model and inspirational Instagram person Erica Schenk:
And #IAmMoreThan impressed right now. Let's wrap this up with Jacob and Anthony, who may have finally cracked the code to making who you bring to prom no big deal (of course, it was a big deal when they did it):
And with that #IAmMoreThan slightly reluctant to make any more Kylie Jenner jokes for a little while. I'll still make fun of Tyga, though.
Seasonal
The most awkwardly public breakups in Facebook history.
Invading people's privacy can be fun sometimes.
Witnessing these nasty breakups in person would be incredibly uncomfortable. But when you can watch from a safe, projectile-free distance on Facebook, it's like seeing a building implode. A building with two very annoying people inside. On the other hand, maybe all of these couples could've stayed together longer if they communicated by any means other than social media.
In our darkest hour, a smartass shines a light. (VIa)
Good behavior causes bad heartbreak.(Via)
.
According to the redditor that shared this, they'd been dating for five weeks.(Via)
Maybe you'd want to send something? Dead flowers, perhaps?(Via)
This woman really isn't a fan of the whole "punishment fits the crime" thing. (Via)
What's the emoji for "Feeling Repetitive"?(Via)
Can we pity the state of your school district? (Via)
You are his life, Emily.
Or maybe "is single." Yeah, try that.
I bet your GF also thinks love is a motherf*cker.
Your break-up life, on the other hand, is of interest to us.
Post a message to Facebook asking your very qualified friends!
"If you're interested in buying, though, the wedding's off."
Still, it's impressive that a cock was able to walk the planet at all.
Nah, pretty sure airing grievances on Facebook is the way to go.
It's either by text or on Facebook, Brandon. You decide.
Maybe in another 3 hours you'll find someone new.
The saddest part is he was in a relationship with his own right hand.
.
No argument here, sir. You are a true dick.
Yes it is, Carl.
Can't speak, but can type, you dick.
That's very insightful of you, Adam!
No gurlz, plz.
The social media site of my enemy is my friend.
Um...okay, but what am I going to do with this 7-layer dip?
Oof he didn't get in that message til 12:01 am.
Could it be you had a communication problem?
Let's just say Trevor's rolling back prices on his wife.
Wait wait, and there's great cotton candy, too. You should check it out!
His next text was: "Ay want to brak op." She got off easy.
He posted a similar photo the day the school cafeteria was out of chicken nuggets.
Lol but seriously who are you talking about?
Nothing stands between her and celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Why would anyone dump this charming chap?
Hopefully the doorbell's broken and it's unclear if you can just go inside or not. Oh snap!
We would say, "Use Facebook for something less stupid, Laurence..."
We will take those odds!
Yeah, nothing says a-hole like "loves his mother."
It was because they could not understand what you were saying.
He didn't even include an exclamation point??
Look, obviously she was talking about dinner plates.
No idea whose it is, but man, that is cute! Is it for sale? We'll call George and ask.
What if your whole complex package kinda sucks?
FARMVILLE IS NOT A JOKE.
So you peed on his lego case, but he's the weirdo for drinking it?
Meanwhile: "I have a boyfriend and his name is **** and I do not love him."
Yes, we would think it's funny. Sorry.
Is that Pearl Harbor Day? We always forget.
He's the one who's stubad for letting this gem of a gal get away.
"Oh, I'm pretty much the same, except my ex-wife is riding Harley and I got a Porsche."
To be fair, the punctuation here suggests incest may be common in their region.
That's fuked-up. He's luky he's not stuk in the muk with her anymore. A boy deer is a buk.
James W and James M? Maybe she's just vertically dyslexic and can't see faces or bodies.
We thought this was an argument between 14-yr-olds until the last sentence. USA! USA!
Should not HAVE GONE out with you. In fact, no one on this list should breed. We're sad now.
She should have known he was unstable when he spelled Johnny "Johnnie" like an idiot.
This can be applied to pretty much anything 17-year-olds say.
Jamie may be a real jerk, but it takes a lot to have your own strain of the clap.
If you can't tell yourself it was her fault, there's still KFC. Except they don't want you either.
Herpes burns you.
Like the shark in Jaws, it's scarier because you can't see what's happening.
Could also have been "hors" like "hors d'oeurves"... that you serve to whores.
Get a head start on doing nothing this Labor Day weekend by checking out this week's best cards.
Jason Sudeikis and Jimmy Fallon play disgusting drinking game where no one wins.
Sometimes even hot-shot celebrities have to chug bubble tea mixed with Capri Sun.
Last night on The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon and Jason Sudeikis played Drinko, a drinking game that won't get you drunk and is not for the faint of heart. They took turns throwing a disk to determine what concoction the other would have to down, and at any moment someone could have to pour pea soup into their wine spritzer. But don't feel too bad, because they're the ones who wanted to be famous, and potentially drinking pickle juice mixed with peppermint schnapps is just one consequence of a life in the spotlight.