The Kansas State marching band performed a halftime show with a formation that looks an awful lot like a gigantic penis. The halftime show included Star Wars and Star Trek themes, and it was the Star Trek spaceship formation that boldly went where no marching band has gone before. Their intention was to make it appear as if the spaceship was battling the mascot of their rival, the University of Kansas Jayhawks.
But when the Jayhawk opens its mouth to combat the supposed starship, it actually looks like they made the mascot perform a lewd sexual act. Specifically, it looks as if they told their rivals to literally suck it. The marching band apologized on Twitter, claiming it was an unfortunate coincidence.
We apologize for anyone offended by our halftime performance depicting the starship enterprise and the Jayhawk mascot.
Everyone knows what Stonehenge is. Durrington Walls? Not so much.
It's another neolithic henge enclosure that's on the same site as Stonehenge. There are signs that people lived there over 4,000 years ago, and research suggests that it was a complementary monument to Stonehenge. Like Stonehenge, Durrington Walls has been known about for quite some time, but what was just discovered yesterday is that there's another monument buried underneath Durrington Walls.
Ah yes, Ground Penetrating Radar, my favorite type of radar.
It consists of 90 giant stone monoliths lined up in C-shaped formation. Here's what they would look like if they weren't buried (and if they were in N64 graphics):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIfOGFA4OTE
The stones are 15 feet tall (two feet taller than Stonehenge) and ~4,500 years old. They were discovered by researchers using "ground-penetrating radar," and were built at the same time as or possibly before Stonehenge. Scholars think that they were deliberately buried to make way for the Durrington Walls, and that the buildings of the time period were "modified or recycled" over time.
Emlyn Pearce saw a problem and took to Facebook to do what people usually do on Facebook: scream into the void. In this instance, however, his screaming was vindicated as the following long-winded post has gone viral:
Emigration is completely out of control in this country, and I'm sick of it. I'm not staying quiet any more. You can't walk down a street in Jamaica or Hong Kong or India without hearing someone speaking English, and in Canada and Australia we have even introduced our own legal system, decimated local communities and installed our own head of state! DISGUSTING! English has now been imposed as the official language of 57 sovereign countries! FIFTY SEVEN!!! What the hell? Who do we think we are?! And the government is doing nothing: any British person can just pack their bags and go and live anywhere in the world at ANY TIME and nobody in the British government will do anything to stop them. If I wanted to, I could just get on a plane to Germany tomorrow, get a job in their booming economy and live there for the rest of my life! My parents could up and retire to Spain or Portugal at a moment's notice! Why should we have that right? It's political correctness gone mad! (And it's also probably, somehow, part of the war on Christmas, and health and safety and women thinking it's ok to wear comfortable, unsexy clothing.)
The figures speak for themselves:
1,300,000 Britons live in Australia; 761,000 in Spain; 678,000 in the USA; 603,000 in Canada; 291,000 in Ireland (11,200 of whom are drawing unemployment benefit from the Irish state), and even 8,500 in Mexico and 7,100 in Kuwait! We're literally EVERYWHERE! I bet there's at least one branch of Greggs in the Falklands.
We need to close our borders immediately before the situation gets even worse for everyone else. We are sleepwalking into a nightmare where a third of the world will be overrun by the British! AGAIN!
Hear, hear! Though popular, this post is not without its detractors. Emlyn edited it to add:
EDIT: To all of you really hench army guys sending me hate mail for writing this: I am gay, and I will furiously pleasure myself to your profile picture. Just so you know.
Oh, my! What an erotic threat.
This also seems like a good post to clear up the difference between emigration and immigration. From Vocabulary.com:
Emigrate means you are exiting your current homeland. Immigrate means you are coming in to a country to live. Migrate means to move, like those crazy Monarch butterflies that migrate from Canada to Mexico and back.
So, all the many British people going to live somewhere besides the UK are emigrating. Upon their arrival they have immigrated to that country. Get it?!! Just a couple more baffling language cherries on top of this confusing human migration sundae!
Jon Hamm, famed Mad Men actor with a sorta goofy smile and actress/writer Jennifer Westfeldt have broken up. The couple told Us Weekly "With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history. We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward."
As of now, we don't know exactly why a sandwich that stayed fresh for 18 years finally turned bad, but a source informed Us Weekly that "they've been fighting for a while." Nobody wants to stay in a toxic Hamm situation, so it makes sense they broke up if they weren't getting along.
Who will they date next? There's already speculation that Hamm has a new girlfriend, and could be the reason behind another recent celebrity break up. Since nothing can be confirmed yet, I'll let the tweets speak for themselves:
At the start of every work week, a celebrity should have to share a video of a time they fell off a Segway to cheer us up.
https://instagram.com/p/7SCy_4P-Tp/
Katy Perry is at Burning Man. It was there that she first fell off this Segway and then uploaded a hilarious video of the experience to Instagram. She captioned it "obvious first time burner alert" with an array of vibrant fire and siren emojis. It's funny. It's relatable. It's action-packed. And it features an awesome ensemble featuring a shaggy coat and mini backpack. Your move, Taylor Swift.
The9-meter gnome lives in Frankston, Australia, along Melbourne's Peninsula Link freeway. It was only a matter of time before someone linked a penis along the Peninsula Link.
It's Gnome Man's Land.
The statue, titled "Reflective Lullaby," has been criticized for being distracting to drivers with its shiny surface in the Australian sun. The latest addition makes it even more distracting with its phallic fanciness.
The artistic enhancement appears to be a sex toy wrapped in tin foil, making for a very resourceful use of household objects.
Is it small or proportional?
No one has claimed responsibility yet for this handiwork. The penis has likely been removed by now, but this gnome's groin will always be its gnome away from gnome.
He allegedly canceled an appearance at a gay pride event after learning gay men would be there.
Chris striking a masculine pose.
Chris Brown reportedly canceled an appearance at a gay pride event because he learned there might be gay men there. Imagine that! Some gay people at a gay event. Brown failed to show up at The Georgia Freight Depot nightclub as thousands of fans waited to see him during Atlanta's Black Gay Pride Weekend. The event, sponsored by Traxx Girls, a lesbian-owned and operated entertainment company, was touted as the “biggest girl party in the country with over 4,000 women in attendance.”
Brown was prominently featured on flyers promoting the event. But his team began sending several text messages to the organizers just before his appearance making it clear he was uncomfortable showing his face there. Melissa Scott, the founder of Traxx Girls, says Brown was unhappy with his picture on the flyer, and the fact that gay men might be in attendance along with women at the party.
“I was being told to take his image down because he looks a little feminine in that image, an image that he took. As a promoter I should be focused on my crowd. I had to send text messages of pictures of my crowd to say, there’s nothing but girls in here man.”
Brown claims he was not aware of his scheduled appearance, and took to Twitter to defend bailing on the event.
I wasn't aware or informed of a show I supposedly cancelled. I have nothing but love and respect for the LGBT COMMUNITY.
Typically, party promoters who manage an event with thousands of attendees don't lie about celebrity appearances, because it makes for a disappointing evening when they don't show up. It's hard to believe Chris Brown's plea of ignorance about his obligation, but it's very easy to believe that he is simply ignorant.
Security experts discovered a malicious Android app with a particularly sinister M.O.
Busted!
Porn and smartphones: the two defining industries of the 21st century. But when combined, they have the potential for true disaster. That day has come, and no mobile masturbator is safe.
Security experts at Zscaler have discovered an Android app called "Adult Player" that contains malware with an unimaginably evil purpose. Horny Android users are meant to assume it's just a video player for naughty clips, but in reality, it's nothing but a self-contained blackmail program. And just for kicks, it locks your phone in the process.
Nothing suspicious about that hand-bra icon.
If you're foolish (or horny) enough to install this anonymous third-party app, the first thing it will do is ask for certain administrator rights for your phone. If you're the kind of person who clicks "yes" on this part without reading it, you deserve what happens next.
Clicking "Activate" gives it permission to ruin your life.
To be fair, this screen doesn't mention most of the permissions the app actually acquires: most notably, access to the front-facing camera. As soon as you click through, the app will discreetly take a photo of you, like a selfie paparazzo. Next thing you know, you'll be faced with this screen:
Oh no! Obama found out you touch yourself!
Once you're dumb enough to get this far, your phone is locked. You can't exit the app or use your device at all. It won't even let you turn off the screen. And if you force your phone to reboot, it will still be there when it comes back on. Page 2 of the ransom note gives you a very expensive option to get your phone back and delete the photos of your "O" face.
You have to use PayPal? Now this is getting sketchy.
Of course, paying up won't actually free your phone. Why would the scammers bother with that part? The only way to delete the app is to boot your phone into safe mode. Zscaler included detailed instructions on their website. But we really hope no one reading this will need them.
There is a way to avoid this scam and similar ones: only download approved apps from the Google Play store. Or you could buy an iPhone, and then nobody would scam you but Apple.
In the end, it's always best to play it safe and not download porn apps on your phone. If you need to use your phone to masturbate, do it the traditional way: Instagram.
Even though Last Week Tonight is on hiatus until September 13th, John Oliver wanted to send a message to privileged little HBO-subscribing brats before they start another year of schooling. He does a rundown of pretty much every subject you'd be taught before college and tells you what you actually need to know, which of course, only amounts to four minutes of material. It's like a SparkNotes for 12 years of education that will definitely make you want to know more about Warren G Harding's penis.
People seem to prefer 'Keeping Up with the Squad.'
Now they got bad blood.
Taylor Swift—singer, songwriter, Victoria's Secret model collector—has one-upped Kim Kardashian in the very (only?) area Kim is known to excel: Instagram. Kardashian was the reigning queen of social media, having "broken the Internet" and even convinced people to buy a hard copy of her Instagram feed in the form of her bestselling book, Selfish. She beat Beyonce to the most followers in August, but that success was short-lived. With a measly 45.4 million followers, she has to pass the crown to Swift, who has 45.5 million.
Just recently at the VMAs, Kanye and Tay Tay buried the hatchet from their famous "Imma Let You Finish" feud. If he was that defensive of Beyonce, Kanye would definitely intercept the mic at the imaginary Instagram Award Show for his wife.
There's still hope for Kim to regain her title — baby Kimye #2 will bring some much-needed new characters to her feed, which is almost exclusively selfies. Taylor's tour is dying down, which will mean no more "Welcome to the stage!" photos of her and various celebrities. Plus, Kim's Instagram game will only get stronger once she's voted in as First Lady in 2020.
On the anniversary of her father's death, Zelda Williams had a very inspiring Insta to share:
https://instagram.com/p/7Qp7PQtqfd/
It reads:
Moonrise on the lake I spent this night shivering and laughing under a clear, cold sky full of stars with people I love just to witness something beautiful. We mooned the moon and laughed ourselves hoarse, and I'm so incredibly grateful for every silly second. I came to a realization this year that I feel compelled to share here, for whomsoever may need it: Avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy. I live my sadness every day, but I don't resent it anymore. Instead, I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake. It's not easy. In fact, I'd say it takes much more effort to consciously do than it does to just stay sad, but with all my heart, I cannot tell you how worth it it is. And for those suffering from depression, I know how dark and endless that tunnel can feel, but if happiness seems impossible to find, please hold on to the possibility of hope, faint though it may be. Because I promise you, there're enough nights under the same yellow moon for all of us to share, no matter how or when you find your way there.
That old yellow moon.
Lots of people were remembering Robin Williams the last few weeks, and reminding themselves of the cool stuff about him, instead of the sad way he left the world. It's good to see that his family is able to be encouraging, graceful and willing to spread hope through blurry captioned images. With over 1,000 comments, most of them positive, it seems to be the kind of message people need.
The mysterious stranger didn't stay anonymous for too long, thanks to the Internet, where nothing is private, especially if you've written a lot of public tumblr posts about it. According to Buzzfeed, a fan named Jadda worked on the sweater for 8 months.
Jadda, whose tumblr header says "I am a Taylor Swift enthusiast first and foremost," is not half-assing her fandom. She explained in a post how she created her own pattern for the sweater, which depicts a polaroid of Swift.
She got the sweater to Swift through an elaborate strategy involving targeting T-Swift Sr. (Taylor's mom, whose name is actually Andrea) over multiple nights at the concert.
This is probably the best possible outcome that could happen from spending eight months knitting a personalized sweater for a celebrity you admire. Now let's all go build Justin Timberlake a house.
Is this cat okay? Do you need us to call someone, cat?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBeMnQl-vq0
Be real: if your friend was acting like this at a party, you'd be worried. It's either drugs, or they're dead and someone discreetly put a pair of sunglasses on them so it doesn't spoil the vibe.
Since this is a kitty-kat who is famous for sitting in a chair, hopefully this is just an attempt to "re-brand" as a cooler cat that sits in a chair. At least you can pretend this cat is listening to you when you talk to it. That's why most people wear sunglasses in the first place: so they can nod off while their friends talk about themselves.
There's been an emergency. I just realized I wasn't already following Reese Witherspoon on Instagram.
https://instagram.com/p/7TCLORihU_/
Reese Witherspoon made a Dubsmash of herself and her son lip-synching to a song about a banana phone, and if you don't find this delightful, then not much on the Internet can help you.
Witherspoon, of course, is no stranger to a funny Dubsmash.
https://instagram.com/p/1842mFChU9/
But the incorporation of a toddler and fruit phone into this new Instagram video really take it to the next level. Even if "ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone" is stuck in your head for the next few days, it will all be worth it.
Obama recently got back from his Climate Change-themed tour of Alaska (which, if the Ocean levels remain stable, would make for an epic cruise line). There, he filmed a special episode of Running Wild with Bear Grylls. While they sadly didn't drink their own piss, Bear and Barack did have an interesting feast.
Crouched by the rocks, they ate the remaining meat on a salmon carcass that had been previously ravished by a bear. While unfortunately the bear had already eaten the high-fat stuff like the salmon's eggs and brain, there was enough flesh left over for a presidential feast.
A photo posted by The White House (@whitehouse) on
"Bear's a mediocre cook, but the fact that we ate something recognizable was encouraging," Obama said, "Now, the fact that he told me this was a leftover fish from a bear, I don't know if that was necessary. He could have just left that out.
This is too rich an image to not be a metaphor something. The first thing that comes to mind when I see a bloody, ripped up fish carcass is Congress. Congress is the bear who ravaged the salmon that is society, and Obama does his best to salvage the good of what's left over. Or maybe the fish is the economy and the bear is Wall Street? The options are endless.
“I have this one term for the kind of woman that my mother raised me to not be. And I call it ‘Do Nothing B*tch.’ Or I call it a DNB a lot of the time. The kind of chick that just tries to be pretty and be taken care of by somebody else. That’s why I think it’s hilarious when people say my body looks masculine or something like that.
“I’m just like, ‘Listen, just because my body was developed for a purpose other than f*cking millionaires doesn’t mean it’s masculine.’ I think it’s femininely badass as f*ck. Because there’s not a single muscle on my body that isn’t for a purpose. Because I’m not a Do Nothing B*tch."
The phrase "Do Nothing Bitch" has touched a nerve in all people who enjoy calling women bitches, and it's become very popular. It has even spoken to the Queen, Beyoncé, who used a clip of Rousey's interview to kick off a song on Saturday with this cool Powerpoint presentation:
Beyoncé and Ronda Rousey together! What couldn't they do?! Maybe they should write a book on how one resists the allure of being a Do Nothing Bitch. Though, it doesn't seem like you become someone who looks pretty and f*cks millionaires by actually "doing nothing." How many millionaires are there to go around, really? And you have to stay fit and laugh at all their jokes and go to all the Millionaire Parties when your old millionaire ghosts on you...exhausting. There's no way around it: even if you want to do nothing, you still gotta do something, bitches.
