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Let "Famous Comedians Dealing With Hecklers, Pt. 2" prepare you for the rest of this week's BS.

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You can try, Wednesday, but you'll never make me as worn out as I made your mom. (NSFW language)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYRpD-61LWQ

If the week was an audience, Wednesday would be the guy who got too drunk with his college buddies and forgot that he's not funny outside of his hometown bar. Wednesday is the obnoxious bachelorette party (bear with me on this metaphor, here) that makes everyone else want to leave by screaming and waving foam penises in the air. Wednesday sucks, is what I'm trying to say.

Related: "Famous Comedians Dealing With Hecklers" will help you cope with the idiots in your life.


This pilot had a special message for the couple who got it on in the airplane bathroom.

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The seatbelt sign is off so it's time to get it on.

On a recent flight from Paris to Stockholm, a young couple wanted to hang on to the spirit of the City of Love. The cabin crew caught them hooking up in the bathroom of the plane, and the captain took the opportunity to congratulate them. 

According to a passenger, the pilot of the Norwegian Airlines flight went over the intercom and announced in Swedish, "We'd like to send our best wishes of happy reproduction to the couple that ventured into the bathroom earlier on." 

She adds, "People around the plane started cheering and laughing and there was a lot of gossiping about who it could have been."

Congratulations to the happy couple. I recommend commemorating the conception by naming the child Norwegian Airlines.

Idiot in an SUV uses selfie stick while driving and learns an important lesson.

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Don't do it.

There are lots of things you shouldn't do while driving, and now selfie sticks top the list along with drinking, texting, and letting your dog take the wheel. This video was shot on a stick by Alex Lopatnyuk, and has all the classic elements of a SUV commercial: Jeeps, trucks, the open road, endless sky, and the promise of adventure. The adventure ends up being a rear-end collision that crushes the canoe like a beer can, but it's an adventure all the same.

According to the post, Alex was on his way to hunt alligators, so it's probably best that he got his selfie stick fail out of the way early. Posing with a gator he thought was completely dead could have been much worse. 

#QueenFacts started as way to honor Elizabeth, but quickly became a hilarious joke on Twitter.

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Queen Elizabeth II just became Britain's longest reigning monarch. The Internet honored her the only way it knows how: stupidly.

https://twitter.com/rickburin/status/641566089315504128

Happy birthday, Queen Elizabeth! Sorry the world is ridiculous and probably completely different than what you imagined it would be when you first took the throne 63 years ago (real fact). Unfortunately, in this dystopian present, when someone creates a friendly hashtag to share interesting tidbits about Britain's supreme leader, the monsters of Twitter swarm. #QueenFacts quickly became a way for folks to gently mock Queen Elizabeth, and also make up any ole lie they felt like telling.

https://twitter.com/iwasleeg/status/641586966094553088https://twitter.com/BCDreyer/status/641569400156499968https://twitter.com/biscuitahoy/status/641551469557219328https://twitter.com/carlmaxim/status/641543935593172992https://twitter.com/banalyst/status/641538031795720192https://twitter.com/TrancewithMe/status/641532655687741440https://twitter.com/paullicino/status/641531946498027521https://twitter.com/mrdaveturner/status/641636009302736896https://twitter.com/Scriblit/status/641536823211204608

Making up facts about our political leaders probably seems normal to Americans currently caught up in news coverage of the 2016 primaries, but she's the QUEEN for goodness sake! Shows what kind of respect these people have for inherited political power.

George Takei, one true king of Facebook, gives Kim Davis the smackdown.

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Actor George Takei spit some truth at his 9,000,000 Facebook followers.

Well this is a bit of a circus. So let us be clear: This woman is no hero to be celebrated. She broke her oath to uphold...

Posted by George Takei on Tuesday, September 8, 2015

His post reads:

Well this is a bit of a circus. So let us be clear: This woman is no hero to be celebrated. She broke her oath to uphold the Constitution and defied a court order so she could deny government services to couples who are legally entitled to be married. She is entitled to hold her religious beliefs, but not to impose those beliefs on others. If she had denied marriage certificates to an interracial couple, would people cheer her? Would presidential candidates flock to her side? In our society, we obey civil laws, not religious ones. To suggest otherwise is, simply put, entirely un-American.

The separation of church and state in America means that you can't support Kim Davis and be patriotic. Uh-oh, presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee! Of course, because this is the Internet, not everybody agrees with George Takei. But he's prepared to sizzle haters with the white hot heat of a thousand well-informed suns:

Does anyone who supports Kim Davis understand the First Amendment?

If you smartphone heads out there are having trouble reading that, some rando comes on Takei's page and tries to tell him to learn his constitution, specifically the First Amendment, to which he replies:

The First Amendment has two clauses that are relevant here. One is the Establishment Clause, and the other is the Prohibition Clause. Congress may not prohibit free worship, and that is what so many claim, wrongly, is being violated. But it is also not empowered to establish any religion, nor to enact any laws favoring one religion over the other. Permitting a state employee to foist her religion upon others, denying them a fundamental right as articulated by the U.S. Supreme Court in Obergefell, would be to give government, through this agent, the power to impose religious doctrine and viewpoint. That it cannot do. Ms. Davis is in effect establishing religion by using her governmental powers to impose her religious views. I know the First Amendment, Shawn. Do you?

Take no prisoners! Salt the earth! No ignorance shall grow here again!

If there's one good thing to come out of this mess, it's everyone getting a refresher course on what being a government official actually means: obeying and supporting the laws of the land, and if you can't, getting the hell out of the way. If you don't agree with policies you can protest and work to change them, but not from your appointed position. Anyway, George Takei 2016, right?

Gadget salvation.

On the last day of the season, this pool does something very special for the city's hot dogs.

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The best part of this video about a pool full of dogs is that you don't have to smell it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miBzmD-SSZA

This is one of those ideas that's so brilliant, we can't believe someone didn't think of it before. On its last day before shutting down for the winter, this public pool in Calgary, Alberta abandons adult swim for something very special: dog swim. They call it the Doggy Paddle, and it's perfect for pooches who love taking a dip.

It's probably less perfect for maintenance workers who have to clean hair out of the pool filters, but who cares? They won't have to deal with it for eight months. Let's be honest – probably more like ten months. It's Canada.

Article 15


Celebrity butt update: Heidi Klum Instagrammed her ass.

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The ebb and flow of celebrity butt pictures is erratic, yet eternal.

https://instagram.com/p/7TpLj0D1TK/

There was a time not too long ago (maybe you're too young to remember) called "July." Celebrity butts were plentiful and provocative back then. There was Bieber's butt. There was John Legend's butt. Everywhere you looked, it was celebrity butts for days. But then came a lull.

Now, without any fanfare, celebrity butts have made their triumphant return. Heidi Klum posted an Instagram photo featuring a butt, presumably her own, getting spanked by an instrument labeled "the naughty spoon." The caption, appropriately, screams "Ouch." What to make of this? Or should we try not to make too big a deal of it, in case the celebrity butts go away again? Should we try to pickle this ass to last us through the lean times? No. Let us feast.

Girl is faster at assembling pizza boxes than you are at eating pizza.

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Here is a shining example of a young person accomplishing great things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPf309OP-Zk

Do you love watching fast-moving cardboard? Do you find it calming to do the same task over and over again? Do you like seeing towering stacks of stuff? If so, you're in for a treat. Breanna Gray's brother videotaped her assembling pizza boxes as fast as a superhero who survived a toxic accident and received the mediocre superpower of building pizza boxes at super-speed.

I wanted to classify this video as "assembly porn," but apparently there's no such thing as "assembly porn" because I Googled it and didn't find anything. This video also features Breanna's brother, who pulls a classic little brother move by interrupting his sister's impressive skills to tell everyone what they already know is happening. Way to jump around in the background of your own newscast, dude!

Queen Elizabeth II is now the longest reigning UK monarch. Here's a short history of that job.

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Wait, the monarchy wasn't always just a way to keep tabloid photographers employed?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNgP6d9HraI

As Americans, it is our birthright to be uninformed about the British crown. All you have to know is we kicked them out, some other stuff happened for 240 years, and now they're our aging lapdog. If you insist on actually learning about America's jolly old mom-country, however, you could do far worse than the videos of YouTube explainer CGP Grey. Today's video, in honor of Lizzie the Second unlocking the achievement of longest-reigning British monarch (and longest-reigning queen in world history), rewinds the clock on the story of the UK's kings and queens over the past 951 years, which will make you seem pretty smart if you remember any of it.

Related: #QueenFacts started as way to honor Elizabeth, but quickly became a hilarious joke on Twitter.

How to read a book.

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So, you've decided to read a book.

Good for you! Whether you're trying to impress your boss, an attractive colleague, or aloof weirdos on public transportation, actually reading a book is one way you can convince others that you're the kind of person who reads books.

STEP 1

Before you can curl up with a great book and let it sweep you away from the distractions of work, the Internet, and electronic devices, you have to purchase a book. For that, you'll want to grab the nearest electronic device and get on the Internet. 

There are hundreds of websites selling thousands of books, and many of those sites include user reviews to help guide you. You should read as many of these reviews as possible to make sure you don't get stuck with a book that is too long or confusing or unfashionable. Make sure your book was palatable to a wide array of people. Did a book receive only one out of five stars from a teenager in Ohio because the cover got damaged in the mail? This is something you need to know.
Found a book you want to buy? Great, but don't submit that transaction just yet! You may be close to securing free shipping with just one or two more purchases. Walk around your home for a while and consider what else you might need:  Socks? A coffee bean grinder? Season Two of "Teen Wolf"? If you're like most people I know, there's a nagging emptiness in your life, and getting some more stuff will help for a few hours. 

STEP 2

So now you've purchased your book, and you're eagerly awaiting its arrival. Just because you won't have it for a few days doesn't mean you can't start telling people what you're reading. I mean, who's to say when the "reading" truly begins, right? Of course, you might have to subtly steer a few conversations in the right direction. If people are standing around and saying non-book-reading things like "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "It really was a lovely service," just ask if anyone's read a good book lately and then wait for your moment to shine. 

STEP 3

Your book has arrived! Now, making yourself absolutely comfortable is necessary for properly enjoying it. I like to keep a snack and a drink nearby while I'm reading. You want something you can eat with one hand while you're lounging on the couch and turning pages. But potato chips create crumbs and could make the pages greasy, so try to select something more nutritious. Vegetable stalks, like celery, carrots and red peppers, along with some hummus, would be perfect. And maybe some cheese. And some olives. And a light-bodied red wine, such as a pinot noir or a Beaujolais. 

Missing one or more of these items? Then it's off to the supermarket and liquor store!

STEP 4

OK: You're back from the store, and you have plenty of snacks to sustain you during the uninterrupted hours of reading ahead. Put all those groceries away, and make sure you've tied up all the loose ends so you can dig into that story with your complete attention. Check your work e-mail, your personal e-mail, your voicemail, call your mother back, post on your various social media accounts that you're excited to be starting a great book, see if anyone on your fantasy football team is injured, check your social media to see if people like your book and applaud your decision to read it, make sure your DVR is programmed to record all the shows you'll miss tonight while you're reading your book, and maybe watch a few of the older shows because you might need to delete them to make room for the new ones.

STEP 5

By now, it's probably pretty late. But that's all right. Few things are more fulfilling than sliding into bed with a great book. This is the optimal time to luxuriate in the quiet solitude and soar away into a far-away land of the author's imagination!

Has all that soaring made you sleepy? Yeah, you should probably go ahead and turn that lamp off. You're going to want all your strength for tomorrow when you dive into page two. 

Young couple lives completely Victorian lifestyle, except for talking about it online.

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Tuberculosis not included.

Many people like to reminisce about the Good Old Days, but for most, it doesn't go all the way back to a time before women could vote. If it does, the fascination doesn't usually extend beyond the pages of a book. For Sarah A. Chrisman, her academic interest is her lifestyle.

In a First Person essay for Vox, Chrisman explains how she and her husband have come to live as if they are in the Victorian era, and how that lifestyle has evolved since she got her first corset.

Every morning I wind the mechanical clock in our parlor.  Each day I write in my diary with an antique fountain pen that I fill with liquid ink using an eyedropper.  My inkwell and the blotter I use to dry the ink on each page before I turn it are antiques from the 1890s; I buy my ink from a company founded in 1670. My sealing wax for personal letters comes from the same company, and my letter opener was made sometime in the late Victorian era from a taxidermied deer foot.

The couple feel like they are frequently victimized by others for their lifestyle choices. "We live in a world that can be terribly hostile to difference of any sort. Societies are rife with bullies who attack nonconformists of any stripe," she writes, "Gabriel's workout clothes were copied from the racing outfit of a Victorian cyclist, and when he goes swimming, his hand-knit wool swim trunks raise more than a few eyebrows — but this is just the least of the abuse we've taken. "

You know who also was victimized by "bullies"? Literally everyone in the actual Victorian era. 

Ronda Rousey will reprise a badass Patrick Swayze role.

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It's not Dirty Dancing.

She's already trained for the part.

Ronda Rousey is an unstoppable Ultimate Fighting machine and actress who is set to star in the reboot of Road House. The original 1989 movie was a defining role for Patrick Swayze, who played an intellectual bouncer that can beat the hell out of any adversary. Rousey is a perfect fit for the part since she recently knocked out her last opponent in 34 seconds. This will be her first lead role, following some appearances in Furious 7, Entourage, and The Expendables 3.

Rousey acknowledged how important the part is to Swayze's legacy on Twitter, and humbly promised to do her best honoring his memory.

A fighter, an actress, and a patriot that makes dreams come true for young marines. She truly lives by the three rules of Dalton (the character she'll be reprising): "One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice."

George Lopez is Donaldo Trumpez, flipping the rapist rhetoric on its cabeza.

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Trumpez 2016.

In a pitch-perfect parody of human parody Donald Trump, George Lopez takes on racist Trumpisms, flips 'em and reverses 'em. 

Trumpez is an entrepreneur, "star of the reality show 'The Maquilladora,'" fixed with a fox-colored wig and a red baseball cap. Entirely in Spanish, the sketch covers Trumpez's plan to build a wall on the border of the United States, because as he points out, "when the United States sends their people, they aren't sending their best." America sends their "frat boy rapists to Cabo, Cancun. They come for Spring Break to get drunk, and to rape each other." 

Lopez as Trumpez makes the important point that Americans don't understand Mexican culture, getting only a Señor Frog's version. Plus, it is America's fault that "the cartels are out of control because the Americans have an insatiable appetite of cocaine." 

It's only a matter of time before the real Trump tweets calling George Lopez and Funny or Die "stupid dummies." We'll see if his retort is even a quarter as clever.


Article 7

How to progressively respond to your co-workers' sneezes.

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Ever wondered what to do if a co-worker sneezes a lot? Here's a handy guide!

"F*cking Dave is always sneezing."

1st Sneeze.

Just a simple "Bless you!" or "Gesundheit!" will suffice.

2nd Sneeze.

Another "Bless you!" or "Gesundheit!"

3rd Sneeze.

You are now allowed to chuckle to acknowledge that they are sneezing a lot, but follow it up with a Bless you!" or "Gesundheit!"

4th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

5th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

6th Sneeze.

Now you can make a more explicit comment about how much they're sneezing. Like "Whoa, you've been sneezing a lot" or "Looks like we've got a Cheesey McSneezey over here."

7th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

8th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

10th Sneeze.

Start to get slightly annoyed. Maybe sigh or something.

11th Sneeze. 

Don't say anything.

12th Sneeze. 

Don't say anything.

13th Sneeze. 

G-chat one of your coworkers about how they should probably take it outside.

14th Sneeze. 

Don't say anything.

15th Sneeze. 

Don't say anything.

16th Sneeze. 

Don't say anything.

17th Sneeze.

Start to realize that something might actually be wrong with them.

18th Sneeze.

Gauge your coworkers' concern.

19th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

20th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

21st Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

22nd Sneeze.

Start to feel guilty that you were annoyed by this biological function they have no control over.

23rd Sneeze.

Contemplate how irritable you've become lately. 

24th Sneeze.

Is it just stress? Or have you gradually become the cynical office worker you swore you would never become?

25th Sneeze.

Snap out of it and realize you have to do something.

26th Sneeze.

Ask them if they're okay. Maybe offer them a tissue or something.

27th Sneeze.

Google "What to do if someone is sneezing a lot?" 

28th Sneeze.

Give up because the article is too long too read.

29th Sneeze.

Shake them or something.

30th Sneeze.

Cradle them and tearfully yell, "Someone call an ambulance!" 

31st Sneeze.

Give up.

32nd Sneeze.

Either they'll stop sneezing or an ambulance will come and help them.

33rd Sneeze.

Can you die from sneezing? That's not a thing, right?

34th Sneeze.

Well there really isn't anything you can do. 

35th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

36th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

37th Sneeze.

Don't say anything.

38th Sneeze.

Start to get annoyed again.

Andrew Garfield wants Spiderman to be pansexual. And now that you mention it, so do we.

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Don't worry, studio executives. There could still be upside-down kissing.

He and Emma Stone must talk about the deepest shit, you know?

Former Spiderman and current unoppressive hunk Andrew Garfield told Mic he thinks it's time for a pansexual Spiderman. While it was revealed in the Sony hack that the character is currently contractually obligated to be a straight white man, Garfield hopes it won't always be this way:

"I'm excited to get to the point where we don't have to have this conversation, where we can have a pansexual Spider-Man. The richness of the world we're in, the diversity of the world we're in; you look at the animal kingdom and you see it reflected. You look all over. What are we so scared of? Why are we so, 'No, it has to be this way, a man and a woman.' Why is that even a conversation?"

Wow. Does anyone else have a crush on Andrew Garfield now? And not because of his gender identity?

Weatherman pronounces Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch like it's his job, which it is.

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Did you hear about the weather in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch today?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHxO0UdpoxM

Okay, first things first: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is a place. A real place that exists, in fact. It's in northwest Wales, and it's really hot. This weatherman, who is probably pretty pleased with himself right about now, casually pronounced it perfectly. Maybe he even relished the challenge because that's what keeps work interesting.

Now for a conspiracy theory: I'm not trying to blow up this dude's spot or purport to know anything about the weather (I didn't even bring an umbrella to work today, and it's currently pouring rain), but did he even need to say "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"? It seems like he's actually talking about a nearby town and just threw in the tongue-twister to shake things up. Not that life wouldn't be more interesting if all weather presenters had to try to say "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" before listing any temperatures.

There's a lot we don't know. But now, that at least doesn't include how to say Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Here's all the big news from Apple's event. Find out what you need to own now!

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We know you're excited, Tim.

Apple just concluded its epic 2-hour event, and a lot of new products were announced. By law, you'll have to buy them all, so we took notes on the entire thing. If you just want the highlights, we've bolded the most important updates. But that's just for casual Apple fans (losers).

1:03– Tim Cook takes the stage in a button-down shirt. When will he be confident enough to don Jobs's turtleneck?

1:05– He's talking about the Apple Watch. Customer satisfaction is at 97%, unless the customers just found it awkward to click "no" on the Apple Watch.

1:08– Facebook Messenger is coming to the Apple Watch. God help us all.

1:09– Some guys are talking about Airstrip. It's been several minutes and they haven't explained what it does.

1:10– OK, it's a messaging app for doctors that works on the Apple Watch. Why don't they just use Facebook Messenger? That has stickers.

1:13– Now the Apple Watch comes with fancy bands. I'm guessing from all this wheel-spinning that they don't have the iPhone ready.

1:19– Now Cook is talking about iPads. He says it's the biggest news since the launch of the iPad. It had better be.

Look how big that iPad is! Remember the iPad Mini? Not anymore you don't.

1:21– Phil Schiller is here to schill the iPad Pro.

1:24– The iPad Pro has a 12.9" screen and more pixels than the 15" MacBook Pro with Retina display. If you just bought one of those, sucks to be you.

1:27– It also has 10 hours of battery life, a major improvement over the previous iPad's 35 seconds.

1:29– The keyboard accessory attaches with a new connector technology, because Apple hasn't gone through enough of those recently. Time to throw out those Lightning cables.

1:32– Oh yeah, Jony Ive's silky tones are here to tell us about the stylus (sorry, Pencil).

This Pencil looks a lot like a stylus.

1:35– There's a drawing app called ProCreate. Yuk yuk yuk yuk…

1:36– Whaaat?! It's a guy from Microsoft! Get that heathen off the stage!

1:42– A guy from Adobe is explaining how Photoshop can add smiles to pictures. Big Brother is real.

1:45– More stuff about medical apps. Boring! We don't want to think about our mortality, we want gizmos!

For the record, the recipe for continued success is powerful+fun+engaging.

1:50– The iPad Pro starts at $800 for the base model and goes up to a billion dollars. The Smart Keyboard is another $169, and the Pencil costs $99. I bet you never thought you'd spend that much on a pencil, right? Or buy a pencil again.

1:54– Tim Cook is talking about TV (AKA 20th century iPads).

1:56– Cook warns us he's going to be "provocative," then says that the future of TV is apps. Consider us provoked.

1:57– You can control the new Apple TV by talking to Siri. But what if she disagrees with you on what to watch?

2:00– The new remote has a touch panel on it. Finally, the last part of your life that didn't involve swiping now involves swiping.

2:02– You can search across different apps for the same shows and movies. All snark aside, that's the most useful thing ever. We need this.

2:03– There are video screensavers now. This is the least useful thing ever.

2:07– This woman just asked Siri who stars in Paddington. Ummmm… a bear?!

2:10– You can play games on Apple TV now. That's good, because there aren't any other machines you can use to play video games on your TV.

2:12– Two Australian guys are demo-ing some ripoff Frogger game and keep dying. This event is finally getting fun.

2:15– One of the guys behind Rock Band is explaining how you can play games by swinging the remote like on the Wii. Welcome back to 2007!

2:18– You can shop from your TV too. Forget 2007, we're back in the 80s now.

2:22– The Apple TV has live streaming sports with notifications and live stats. This device will end many marriages.

Between sports and that shirt, this is clearly a device for dads.

2:24– It starts at $149 for the 32 GB model, or $199 for the 64 GB. You can also still buy the current Apple TV for $69 if you're a pauper.

2:25– Finally, the iPhone! I haven't exhaled in 90 minutes.

2:29– The iPhone 6s and 6s Plus are here. Their tagline: "The only thing that's changed is everything." Cute.

These iPhones contain more fish than any previous models.

2:29– Phil is back. These are the most advanced iPhones yet. We should hope so.

2:30– These iPhones are made of a new aluminum alloy, the same used by the aerospace industry. Good news if you want to launch your phone into orbit.

2:30– There's a new color: Rose Gold. Incidentally, that was my bubbe's name.

2:31– 3D Touch is the new big feature. The phone knows how hard you're touching the screen, so you can control it more precisely by alternating soft caresses and forceful pushes – like a lover.

2:39– There's a hotkey to open the front-facing cameras for "emergency selfies." If you need this, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You won't look any less dumb taking a selfie.

2:44– The A9 is the most advanced chip ever in a smartphone, and it's optimized for gaming. It's like a tiny iPad Pro (Remember that thing?)

2:46 – The iPhone 6s has a 12 megapixel iSight camera, 50% more pixels than before. It will take clearer photos of your thumb than ever before.

2:48– The camera sensor is all about accurate color. Your photos will look exactly like they did in real life until you put an Instagram filter on them.

2:51– The iPhone camera takes 4K video too. In fact, the last Hobbit movie was entirely filmed on one.

2:52– The selfie camera has 5 megapixels. Time to get that facial scrub.

2:54– Live Photos are another new feature. Your photos are actually short moving videos. Like in Harry Potter, but creepier.

2:56– You can look at live photos on any Apple device or on Facebook. If you want to see them anywhere else, you don't deserve them.

2:58– They're releasing a new Android app to help you migrate all your information to an iPhone if you want to switch. Major dis.

2:59– All the devices announced today are environmentally friendly and recyclable. Nobody cares.

3:00 – The iPhone 6s and 6s Plus will cost $199 and $299 on contract. The 6 and 6 Plus will come down to $99 and $199. If you don't want to get a carrier contract, they come on an installment plan. Nobody is too broke to get these luxury devices!

3:02– The new iPhones are available for preorder starting this Saturday, September 12.

3:03– Tim Cook is back to show the new iPhone ad. The world begs him to end this event.

3:07– Cook has One Republic playing him out. I guess we know whose album you won't be able to delete on the next iPhone.

None of these people know why they're on this stage right now.

3:20– That's a wrap folks! Thus ends the most magical two and a half hours of all our lives. Now go take out another mortgage so you can afford all this new gear.

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