The only way I'm making eye contact with you is if you text me a picture of your eyes.
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This year, shop for me as if you still haven't gotten my pants off yet.
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Just wanted to make sure you didn't believe me when I said I didn't want anything expensive for Christmas.
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Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.
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Sorry I missed your call but I didn't feel like reaching down and getting my phone out of my pocket.
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I didn't mean to lead you on by having sex with you.
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We really appreciate all the hard work you do the final month before Christmas tip season starts.
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This year I'm going to shop for my wife as if she were my mistress.
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I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.
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I want to break the company's HR policy with you.
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Michelle Obama's reaction to her husband's selfie is the same one I have for every selfie ever taken.
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I know you'll love my gift because you mentioned it online while I was Internet stalking you.
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Let's absurdly over-celebrate your birthday as much as people do Jesus's.
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I'll wager you one unsatisfying evening that I come before you.
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I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
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Let me know if you want another Apple screen on which to view pornography this Christmas.
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My holiday bonus is almost enough to guilt me into working at all during December.
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I'd like to invite you over for the holidays and apologize in advance for my grandfather's dirty jokes.
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I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here.
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Expect an email in all caps this afternoon.
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