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The only way I'm making eye contact with you is if you text me a picture of your eyes.


This year, shop for me as if you still haven't gotten my pants off yet.

Just wanted to make sure you didn't believe me when I said I didn't want anything expensive for Christmas.

Sorry that sitting on Santa's lap is the closest your vagina will get to a penis this holiday season.

Sorry I missed your call but I didn't feel like reaching down and getting my phone out of my pocket.

I didn't mean to lead you on by having sex with you.

We really appreciate all the hard work you do the final month before Christmas tip season starts.

This year I'm going to shop for my wife as if she were my mistress.


I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

I want to break the company's HR policy with you.

Michelle Obama's reaction to her husband's selfie is the same one I have for every selfie ever taken.

I know you'll love my gift because you mentioned it online while I was Internet stalking you.

Let's absurdly over-celebrate your birthday as much as people do Jesus's.

I'll wager you one unsatisfying evening that I come before you.

I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.


Let me know if you want another Apple screen on which to view pornography this Christmas.

My holiday bonus is almost enough to guilt me into working at all during December.

I'd like to invite you over for the holidays and apologize in advance for my grandfather's dirty jokes.

I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here.

Expect an email in all caps this afternoon.

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