Vultures are just as terrifying as you thought.

National Geographic got a head start on promoting their January 2016 vulture-themed issue by releasing a video demonstrating what it would be like if vultures were to eat your rotting carcass. They put a camera inside a wildebeest carcass and let 'em rip. The result is pretty disgusting/terrifying. The video also ends with a message about how the vulture population has declined by 95% in some parts of the world due to poisoning by humans and habitat loss. That is of course very sad, but also not a great tactic for making us care about vultures. They should've filmed one wearing a silly hat or something, or made it look like it was lip-syncing Rihanna. Write that down, Nat Geo. 

The beautiful thing about humanity is that, when we collaborate and work hard, we always find newer and better ways to scare the pee out of ourselves.

Cedar Point is an amusement park in the unfortunately named town of Sandusky, OH. Recently, they announced that they're building a new, record-breaking coaster called "Valravn." Valravn means "raven of the slain" in Danish, and I learned that from a message board about Folk Metal, so you know it's correct. Also, I know you want your scary coaster name to be scary, but maybe you shouldn't reference literal death in the name? 

Anyway, the coaster will feature a 223-ft high, 90 degree drop. That's basically 223 feet of free fall. Thus, I am going to now assume that the Tom Petty song "Free Fallin'" is about this roller coaster. Here's another simulated view of the coaster ride:

And here's one to watch if you have the ability to do that sweet panorama thing on your phone or tablet: 

"Super like" is the new "like like."

Instead of just being able to swipe left or right, you can now swipe up on Tinder to show someone that you "super like" them. They will be able to see that you super-liked them when they're deciding whether or not to swipe right on you, and you only get one non-bankable super like a day, so it will be the boldest move you can make while judging strangers from behind your phone screen. It's out in Australia currently, and will be rolled out globally later this year. Overall, it seems like it will help you filter out creeps... or just allow them to pursue you more aggressively. Yeah, knowing how things usually go on Tinder, it'll probably be the latter.

She announced her surprise to the news on Twitter.

Taylor Swift just learned that she is an Emmy winner, which, along with her several Grammys, puts her in the running for an EGOT. The Original Interactive Program Emmy is for AMEX Unstaged: Taylor Swift Experience, which means it was part of some silly branded content promotion. But who cares, because EGOT! Between bringing countless musicians and celebrities on stage during her 1989 World Tour and beating out Kim Kardashian with the most Instagram followers, Swift is having quite a victorious summer. Hopefully she finds some time to shake it off.

Real friends play guitar together. The same guitar. At the same time.

In order to record their cover of Eminem's 2000 breakout single "The Real Slim Shady," Laurier Lachance and Mathieu Paquin wore matching outfits, shared a guitar, and kept very stoic facial expressions. They also recorded it in one take. I wonder how many times that had to sit all smashed up against each other before they got it perfect? Did they have the karaoke lyrics next to the camera, or is the song burned into their souls? Are they regular Canadian or French Canadian? Why is this video so hypnotizing?

Enjoy these two "shadys" (their name, not mine) playing a song from 15 years ago and making Eminem tangentially relevant again.

'Goodnight Mommy' is an Austrian horror film about twins whose mother receives facial reconstructive surgery.

The kids start to suspect that the woman underneath the bandages isn't really their mother, and shit starts to get crazy. The trailer, which everybody has been freaking out over, features a bunch of great shit-your-pants horror movie tropes, including slowed down nursery rhymes, giant bugs, and children running through cornfields. Watch it...if you dare! And then try to resist reading the Wikipedia plot summary before you see it.

At last, soup from a coffee machine.

No need to wait until we colonize Mars to get cool future soup, because you can make Campbell's soup with a Keurig coffee machine right now. Basically, you brew the broth with a disposable cup and then add a packet of noodles and flavor. You know, just in case you don't know how to add water to a cup and use a microwave. The chief business development and partners officer at Keurig heralded this innovation that we so desperately need:

“We are thrilled to offer consumers the ability to brew soup in their Keurig brewer, and the opportunity to use their brewer on more occasions throughout the day.”

He's right. Most days when I'm bored at work, I just stand there, staring at the Keurig machine, wondering what else it might possibly be able to brew one day. Maybe a little cup of tar and a packet of feathers to exact revenge on your boss on the day you finally decide to quit. Or chili, because a coffee machine that brewed chili would be dope. And then it hits me: SOUP. It should make soup! Here I am, leaving the office to go out for soup breaks like a sucker. I'm always paying several dollars to buy soup on my own dime from some rude barista. Not anymore! The future is now.

Ok, well she does smile a little at the end, but she's smiling at you, not with you, buddy.

Gentlemen, if you haven't been paying attention for the last few years, we have been asked to stop asking women why they're not smiling. Especially women with important shit to do who just finished playing a grueling athletic match, only to be told they have to go talk to a room full of sports journalists, one of whom asks "Serena, you just won a match and you look like... Normally, you smile when you win, you come here and you laugh. What happened tonight? Is this because you beat Venus, or because you are thinking about what is next. What's wrong?" Buddy, Serena Williams could be giving you the Marshawn Lynch treatment, but instead she's here at midnight politely asking you questions. The real question is, why aren't you smiling huge and thanking her for her time (and for not tearing you for shreds for asking this)?

Related: Serena Williams posted a heartwarming Instagram tribute to Venus after destroying her at the Open.

She can outdrink all of us.

After Seth Meyers went day-drinking with his brother and dad, his mom wanted to get in on the action. So on an off day, Meyers and his mom went to a bar in New York and, well, drank a bunch. Seth got pretty turnt, but his mom didn't feel anything — she's an absolute tank. She does have a terrible flinch reaction, though, so Seth messed with her by testing her reaction to popping champagne bottles. It was a cute time, and it went way better than drinking with a parent has the potential to go, at the very least. 

An unprompted gesture of kindness made a calorie-rich dinner extra satisfying for four Louisiana cops.

This is the kind of story that just makes you feel good — the same way you feel after a large meal at Outback Steakhouse. Specifically, it makes you feel warm, satisfied, and sleepy, giving you a moment to ignore all the horrible problems and violence in the world while you drift off into a nap right there in a booth, pausing only to unbutton your pants.

It all started when four police officers from Slidell, Louisiana sat down to eat at their local Outback location. They enjoyed a large meal, including crispy shrimp, sirloin steaks, tacos, cheesecake, and Chocolate Thunder from Down Under. Their bill came out to a respectable $67.43, except that it didn't. When they got their receipt, the tab was paid, and a personal message was handwritten on it:

"Be safe! Thank y'all for y'all's service. Enjoy your meal on us!"
- Arline and Zoë

Touched by the kindness of Arline (the manager) and Zoë (the waitress), the cops shared an image of the receipt on the SPD Facebook page, where it's received a groundswell of support.

The cops pointed out in their post that they weren't able to accept the generosity. Ethics laws demanded that they leave a tip which covered the cost of the food and more. But it's good that they did the right thing, and at least Zoë got a nice chunk of change in return for her generosity.

There's no part of this story that isn't heartwarming. Consider our hearts stuffed. Now excuse us while we pass out on the couch.

Emily Musson likes to post selfies with her boyfriend.

To Emily Musson's parents, like most parents, Emily's selfies are probably a sign of technologically oversaturated narcissistic millennial self-absorption or something. So naturally, they decided to poke fun at her by recreating her selfies and posting them online. Here's her tweet about it, which went viral:

And here are all the images, side-by-side:

See? Parents can be cool, too!

Good news: It's pretty much all benefits.

Masturbation. The beast with one back. The most popular hobby on Earth. The five-minute staycation. Almost everyone does it, yet many people still haven't gotten the message that it has lots of health benefits. The only downside is that your personal routine can become... routine. Your body gets used to it, so vary your method of manual stimulation to keep your genitals flexible, fun, and ready to do new things with your significant other (if you have one... and if not, variety is still fun) when they're not also masturbating.

The name of Purin the Beagle shall forever echo in the Cute Sports Hall of Fame.

Behold the raw athleticism, eager determination, and weapons-grade adorableness of Purin the Beagle's successful Guinness Book of World Records attempt to become the best canine goalie on the face of god's green earth. This is the culmination of years practice, featuring a grueling 15 minute daily regimen with his owner/trainer Makoto. You have now been a witness to history.

Lovers of pink dolphins: good news! Your spirit animal exists. The bad news: you have to go to Louisiana to see it.

Sometimes, dreams do come true. At least, that's the case if your dream consists of a pink bottlenose dolphin living in a river channel in Lake Charles, Louisiana (the most magic of all river channels). Erik Rue, the owner of a charter boat company in Lake Charles, first spotted the unoriginally named Pinky back in 2007. Over the years, he's seen Pinky — who's albino — several times while out on his boat, including a new sighting just this week.

While Rue loves Pinky (and has even snapped pictures of her mating — saucy!), he's also kind of a pink dolphin elitist. He's quoted in Newsweek saying, in regard to other pink dolphins,

"I know they have the Amazon river dolphins but those are kinda ugly and splotchy. This one is just smooth pink, from tip to tail. Its very pretty."

It's great that you love Pinky, man, but maybe don't splotch-shame those other pink dolphins?

Here's a video that Rue took of Pinky back in 2011, complete with peppy soundtrack:

If I Beliebed in miracles, I'd Beliebe that Justin Bieber could not act like a jerk for juuuuuust long enough to promote his new album. But that, apparently, is not possible.

Justin Bieber: singer, rich guy, tattoo magnet, and fussy manchild. He has a new album, a fact which still makes young girls scream for some reason. But Bieber can't hold his cranky diaper-butt together long enough to not whine about performing on live TV while on live TV. The above hissy fit appeared on the East Coast feed of Today this morning, but was edited out for the West Coast, because they never let us have any fun.

If you can't make it out, he says:

...the camera's here the whole time; might as well not even dance. What do I do this for if they're just gonna...

And then it fades.

My favorite part of this video is looking at the dancer standing right next to him and knowing that she must be asking herself what ridiculous series of events in her life brought her to this moment.

Pro tip: You probably shouldn't stick your tongue in the mouth of anything that eats living creatures, unless it's a human.

I have zero bad feelings for this guy, because he obviously knew what he was doing: making a video to get those sweet sweet Internet clicks. Or maybe I'm just a cynical a-hole, and this guy legitimately loves his Venus flytrap and wanted to show it some affection. Sorry, buddy, but sometimes the things we love the most are the things that hurt us the worst. Or, at the very least, they're the things that draw blood from our tongues.

Stories of failed romance are better than any meet-cute.

Someecards reached out to staff and contributors to ask them what they would consider their worst first date. Some of the stories are funny, some are bizarre, some are sad. Some sound like maybe it was actually the other person's worst first date. Enjoy deciding who had the most horrible experience! Hint: not anyone who still managed to get laid, somehow.

Right before freshman year started, I took a girl to see American Pie in theaters. I wanted to kiss her but could not fathom the physical geometry needed to smoothly initiate it (“just put your face on hers” never occurred to me). Planning to at some point turn around and I guess come at her from the front, I spent the whole movie hunched forward with my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands, causing her to think I was disinterested (“or,” she said, "really, really into the movie”). Movie ended, I did not kiss her. It was ok, though, because we made out in a park later before her mom had to pick her up. Sorry that's my worst story. My first dates are on point. I save my flameouts for date two. -Johnny McNulty

After I got out of a long relationship, the first date I went on was with a guy from OK Cupid who was just OK. Since I was still getting my sea legs back, I agreed to a second date. We went out to dinner, and he started saying a bunch of things that were basically planning our upcoming relationship. Worried that he was getting too serious, I mentioned 20 minutes in that I wasn't ready to be exclusive with anyone yet -- something that's pretty common in today's dating world, right? Well, not to him. I should have left then, but I was really hungry, so I sat through dinner while he proceeded to lecture me about how careless, cruel, and irresponsible I was, and how I should think about what I really want before I go on more dates and lead more guys on like that. Not only that, but he then called me every two weeks for the next two months, asking each time if I was ready to be exclusive yet. -Meg Favreau

I met a swiss girl while living in Argentina, I told her to meet me at a theater for our first date.  The play was completely in the dark with all the actors and actresses being blind people. She got there late, so we had to shuffle to our seats in the dark. The play was a nice experience with lots of sound and smells. Right as we left the theater, she said she had to leave. Never saw her again. -Luke Ollett

I met a guy a bar who told me he "owned his own business" which turned out to mean he drove a bike taxi. We met to see The Breakfast Club in Central Park, and he said I should ride in his bike taxi to "save time." I told him, "the only way I'm riding in your bike taxi is if you're carrying my dead body to the morgue" so I walked next to him as he rode slowly. After watching The Breakfast Club, he showed me a romantic, secluded section of woods in the park. We made out there for a short time, but it was dark and I started getting creeped out. When I told him I wanted to leave, he said, "hold on, I need to take care of something." Then he left me alone, in the dark, sitting on a rock in the woods while he disappeared to go jerk off.  He didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong. I gave him one word answers as we walked back to the main drag of Central Park. He got zero more dates. -Ashley Bez

When I was 17, I took a girl to Buca di Beppo for a first date because I heard it was nice. When my date showed up at my house, my dad asked where we were going. When I told him he said, “Buca di Beppo? That’s where Phil Hartman’s wife drank for hours before going home to shoot him, then herself. Anyway, you two have fun!” All I could talk about during the meal was how I could see how anyone would be driven insane by that restaurant. It’s a fucking awful place, and my dad was right to warn me. RIP Phil Hartman. -Dan Wilbur

I took a girl on a first date to see a terrible horrible movie called The Haunting. Lots of stars in it, not a lot of plot. Anywho, I thought it was so bad it was laughable. On the way back to the car in the parking lot, as I was laughing about it, she got mad and said she needed "emotional support" because the movie scared her so badly. We went back to her house, and sat on her screened porch with all the lights on because she was still scared. Like Johnny, most of my first dates are baller. -Chip Dwyer

I had an amazing first date that lasted for half a day and took us all over New York City—to an Arcade Fire concert in Brooklyn, then back over the bridge to Union Square and finally ended with giant slices of pizza at Koronet in Morningside Heights. We went back to my dorm room and talked and talked. But for some reason, he didn’t kiss me. I wondered if he was just shy. Two days later, he brought a date to my comedy show. -Shira Danan

For our 5th grade graduation, we got to go on a cruise. For some reason, we were all trying to be grown up so everyone was asking people to go with them as their "date." I asked a girl who I worked with on our closed-circuit morning news show. She said yes but then on the day of the cruise she told me she was actually going with someone else and just said yes to me because she didn't think the other guy was going to ask her. It sucked but there was a really good buffet. -Bijan Samareh

My mom was picking up a bunch of us kids from the movies, and we all tried to pile in the car. I was sitting on the lap of my friend in the front seat. As I dreamily waived goodbye to my date, the hunky 8th grade football player named Sloan, who was standing with a huge group of kids from school, I promptly slammed my head on the car door. I remain this coordination-challenged to this day. -Lauren Ashley Bishop

My very first date, ever, was in the sixth grade on a Sunday afternoon at a roller rink. We went out there during the oh-so-romantic couples skate, although we didn't hold hands, and her little sister had tagged along and was skating right behind us. However, the song that was playing necessarily became "our song" for the two weeks or whatever we dated, and that song was the old hair metal ballad "More Than Words Can Say" by Alias, a song about morning wood. -Brian Boone

I decided to stop going to dinner for first dates with women I met online when I told her I did standup comedy and she said she didn't enjoy dirty humor. We spent the rest of the meal arguing about whether or not Sarah Palin was qualified to be Vice President. -Corey Reppond

So I once went on a first date that to me as a college student seemed safe and simple: dinner and a movie. I had decided that if we saw the movie first we'd at least have something to talk about. We saw The Wolfman starring Andy Garcia and Anthony Hopkins, which left us with absolutely nothing to talk about other than hating the movie. Dinner was long and uncomfortable. The only thing more uncomfortable was when I brought her back to my place and while hooking up she demanded I take my watch off because she was "worried she'd get hit" by it. This was maybe a red flag. In the morning when I tried to politely kick her out, she cried. So, I walked her to Starbucks and bought her a cup of coffee to prove I wasn't just trying to get rid of her. Then I got rid of her. Turns out seeing The Wolfman was not a good way to get to know someone I met at a club. -Colby Day

Colbiden 2016.

"I want to talk about the elephant in the room, which in this case is a donkey," Colbert said to Vice President Joe Biden last night, "Do you have anything to announce now about your plans?"

"I think you should run for president again, and I'll be your Vice President," Biden answered. 
The potential running mates already have a great rapport (a "Colbert Rapport," if you will). "I want to give your office the respect it deserves," Colbert says," "So, how much is that?" Biden quickly indicated a tiny amount with his fingers. 

At the beginning of the interview, the young audience chanted "Joe! Joe! Joe!" like they did with "Stephen!" back in the Comedy Central era. Biden quickly joked, "Be careful what you wish for."

Colbert got serious at the end, saying, "I think we'd all be very happy if you did run. If you don't, I know that your service to the country is something that we all salute."

Now that would be one irresistible ticket.