It's time to swallow your pride and admit there's something good about not swallowing every edible thing in sight.

We've all been meaning to go on a diet, but maybe tomorrow... or sometime next year... or when work gets less stressful and we can stop covering our anxiety in Chipotle burritos. Mmmm. Chipotle... Agh! Forget I wrote that.

It's difficult to convince yourself that there's any reason to diet, especially when the results don't come fast enough, and food is constantly surrounding you, calling out to you like a text from an ex. You were meant for each other, you and that burrito. Why did you ever give up on that decadent, 1,000-calorie chicken and beans wrapped in— Damn it! OK. I'll stop.

The point is, there are many healthy reasons to go on a diet, but here are some fun changes in your life that dieting can provide.

1. Getting drunk much faster.

Every time I have a beer and a burger at a bar, I ask myself why I'm not feeling even slightly buzzed. Apparently, you can't ask for your money back from the bartender just because you ate your weight in nachos before taking a sip of beer. Trust me. I've asked. 

Most of the time I eat in bars, I'm on what I'd describe as a "best friend's wedding" diet, eating and drinking everything as if it were free and today was a very special day. Except it's Tuesday, and I am just blowing off steam from work. One way to remember how much fun dieting can be is to skip the food altogether, have two drinks, then eat something healthy when you get home. It's the easiest way to get the most out of happy hour. If you haven't eaten anything since lunch when you walk into the bar at 5, you'll be trashed by 6. You'll go home sooner, be asleep earlier, and have gotten your money's worth from the drinks you bought.

2. You can blame almost any mood swing on your diet.

Have you ever seen those Snickers commercials (mmmm, Snickers) that end with someone saying "You're not yourself when you're hungry?" Well, that's true. Skipping a meal is basically allowing any one of your many personalities to surface and take control. You can't be held responsible for your actions! Especially if you took advice from #1 on this list. Then you were super-drunk AND hungry.

For this reason, and this reason alone, I never understood the "Twinkie Defense." I definitely understand being under duress from seeing junk food that you're not permitted to eat. But eating too much junk food? I barely leave the house on days I do that. That man should have been put to death for shooting Harvey Milk. And the Twinkies he didn't eat after his execution should have been sent to me. I know he died years ago, but Twinkies have a long shelf life.

3. Save money by not ordering food for two all the time.

Eating smaller portions means you're ordering less! Quitting Seamless can be as lucrative as quitting smoking. For every time you don't order $60 worth of sushi just for yourself, tally it up in your diet journal, and at the end of the month, use the money to hit the club. (If you're me, a book club. Reading hardcover fiction is an expensive hobby!)

Imagine all the fries you could buy for your friends and silently watch them eat using all that money you didn't spend on yourself! It's right to give back to your community. Stop spending all your money filling your own face with food.

4. Always have something to talk about (your diet).

You know that awkward moment at a party when someone mentions an HBO series you haven't started, and suddenly there's a lull in the conversation? Oh no! What do you ask? 

Ha! Why ask anything when you're the most interesting person at the party? You don't need any information about anyone else to talk about how good or bad you feel since starting your diet. Maybe you have more energy at work. Maybe you can't poop. TMI? Not a chance! People love hearing about strange bodily malfunctions. That's the only reason (besides talking about The Wire) anyone even socializes.

5. Forging a diet-long friendship with someone who's even more psychotic about dieting than you are.

Whether it's someone you see at the gym all the time or someone who goes to the same juice place as you, don't be afraid to introduce yourself to the single craziest person who seems like he or she also diets. Not only will they encourage you to stick with it, they will encourage you to feel good about yourself, since, no matter how nuts you go with this health fad, you'll never have the extreme emotional issues this person has.

You've just found a friend for life (or until this diet ends).

6. Finding a way to deal with work stress other than constantly stress-eating at your desk.

Now that you have all this spare time at work and no food to cover up all your negative feelings, you'll be forced to come up with new ways to survive the work day. That might mean taking short breaks to walk around your office, finding an addicting iPhone game, or starting a new hobby like whittling. You might even try working more (LOL, JK). 

If you stick to your diet, and can't waste time walking to get lunch with your coworkers, you might even find yourself talking to your boss during the day. That could lead to a promotion if it doesn't first lead to a hunger-induced outburst about how much you hate everything. Give it a try!

7. Feeling superior to everyone including your former, non-dieting self.

Even if you don't lose any weight, the ability to control yourself around enticing foods will make you feel like you can do anything. In fact, if you skip enough meals, your lightheadedness will convince you that you have been gifted the power of flight.

Practicing self-control is a great reminder that you're in charge of your own destiny. Not only are you an authority on eating right, you're also an authority on everything! Don't forget to rub it in people's faces. First, you conquer food. Next stop, The White House! And by "White House" I mean going into the pristinely white aisles of Walgreens for more Slim Fast shakes. 

Hang in there, everyone! You'll feel good about dieting soon. And if you don't, you can always just embrace the way you look and have sex with normal people who also love eating.

Living with another person can be hard.

This is especially true if your cohabitation is motivated by finances, convenience, or misguided squad goals—as opposed to, you know, having a family or great friends. Sure, we all hope to eventually live alone in a studio, house, or abandoned mansion where we freely roam the halls back and forth all night long with no one bothering us except the occasional child ghost. But sometimes we have to shack up with a friend or stranger until we get where want to be. I've personally had a range of roommate situations, from too-good-to-be-true to maybe-living-in-New-York-isn't-worth-it. But the lowest roomie lows have helped me develop a series of highly specialized skills. 

1. Hearing

When you don't want to interact with a person who lives in the same space, you develop a fine-tuned sense of hearing. The smallest noise can indicate where the other person is within your home, and which areas should be avoided. 

2. Deduction

Any information revealed in conversation can be a potential clue about when an undesired roommate will or will not be in the apartment. Working late on Thursday? Going to a friend's birthday drinks on Tuesday? Driving to go outlet shopping for an entire Saturday? Those will be prime times to enjoy the living room.

3. Tiptoeing

4. Adaptability

5. Overcoming passive aggression to talk about things in person

It's Bruce Wayne as Batman as Taylor Swift as Catastrophe.

The YouTube channel How It Should Have Ended gave us a preview of what we hope Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice will be.

In an almost-shot-for shot animation of Taylor Swift's VMA-winning "Bad Blood" video, Batman rounds up his greatest allies from different universes, including  Harry Potter, Imperator Furiosa, and Han Solo to dramatically walk through the fiery haze and take on Superman and the Justice League.

We'll find out when Batman v. Superman finally hits theaters, but I wouldn't be surprised if Ben Affleck's Batman took some of its ass-kicking cues from Taylor Swift. 

Bretagne (pronounced "Brittany") is the last known living search and rescue dog who was deployed on 9/11.

Bretagne and her owner/handler Denise Corliss are part of Texas Task Force One, a federal team that works under FEMA's national search and rescue program. They mainly work in the state of Texas, but can be deployed elsewhere. Basically, they're those people you see rappelling from helicopters like total badasses and saving people from disasters. In order to honor their work and celebrate Bretagne's 16th birthday, BarkBox (a subscription-based delivery service for dog treats and toys) teamed up with various New York City organizations to treat Bretagne, Denise, and Denise's husband Randy to a day on the town. They check in at a fancy hotel, visit Times Square (where Bretagne is displayed on a big LCD monitor), and are given the "bone to the city" at Hudson River dog park. It's a pretty bittersweet video that will instantly make you a dog person.

This is what's known as "YouTube justice."

Nicole Arbour, the YouTuber who became Internet famous last week for yelling at fat people into her camera, is facing some consequences for her viral video. According to Zap2It, Arbour has lost a job as choreographer on the feature film Don't Talk To Irene. Director Pat Mills said that he'd wanted to work with Arbour because she "was fun and nice and had a lot of energy." But after Mills watched Arbour's "Dear Fat People," he decided not to work with her:

"I was supposed to get together with her this week for what she called a ‘choreo party’ to watch my favorite dance scenes and talk ideas. And then a crazy thing happened on Saturday — I saw something on the Internet that made me never want to see her again.”

Mills, who is gay and says he was bullied as a child, had a strong reaction to the video:

“[‘Dear Fat People’] is an unfunny and cruel fat-shaming video that guises itself about being about ‘health’. It’s fat phobic and awful. It went on for over for six minutes. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was so upset I was shaking like Shelley DuVall in ‘The Shining’.”

It's actually crazy that Arbour was ever going to work on Don't Talk To Irene, which the director calls "a body positive teen movie." It's about a bullied high school student learning to feel awesome about herself, which is kind of the opposite of everything Arbour stands for. 

Arbour, meanwhile, denies the whole thing:

It sounds from Mills' quotes as if Arbour might not have been officially "attached" yet, but was working with the director in early stages. For example, he says in his statement, "We will not be working together. You are not hired for 'Don't Talk to Irene'," rather than "You're fired! Get off my set!" So, Arbour could be parsing words to make it seem like she didn't get the boot.

Meanwhile, the Internet continues to amaze and terrify us all with its entrancing and bewildering cycle of instant rises and falls.

NPH stars in every movie possible in just 7 minutes.

Neil Patrick Harris: Award show host, singer, actor — but how good an actor? Seth Meyers had the ultimate test.

NPH was tasked by Late Night with navigating an obstacle course of Hollywood's most prominent tropes. Challenges includes the Mirror of Introspection, into which NPH had to stare and wonder "Who he has become"; he then had to tearfully bid farewell to his son at the Daddy Go Bye-Bye door; and finally, demonstrate his romantic comedy chops by bumping into his "dream girl of his dreams" (so it's not exactly NPH's romance, per se) at the Meat-Cute Crusher.

NPH has hosted the Emmys, Oscars, and Tonys — this clip shows he is on his way to winning an EGOT of his own.

If only we could make terrible coworkers stand outside like smokers.

A recent study found that workplace stress is just about as harmful to one's health as secondhand smoke. Since a majority of everyone we've ever talked to in this world complains at length about their jobs, this basically means we're all spending our workdays in a smoky dive bar, endlessly waiting to "circle back" on issues because we don't have enough "bandwidth." Apparently, workplace stress is getting worse because technology allows it to reach us at any hour of the day. And it's leading to increases in heart disease, insomnia, obesity, hypertension, and depression. Which are things that can absolutely kill you slowly (or quickly, one day).

The tips offered to combat the evils of workplace stress haven't changed; eat healthy snacks, move around, try modified exercise, etc. Which unequivocally works 100% of the time (spoilers: sarcasm). Whenever your boss is a nightmare, just have some grapes and stretch your back. Problem solved! If workplace stress is as bad as secondhand smoke, perhaps they'll develop some sort of vape version of work that smells like someone lit candy on fire.

Even your attention span can handle this.

A few months ago, someone posed an important question to reddit: "What's your favorite video that is 10 seconds or less?" The thousands of replies included some physical comedy, a lot of local news bloopers, a whole bunch of animal attacks, and some videos that were definitely NSFW.

Here are 10 of the top results that actually made us laugh:

1. He couldn't handle that much you-see-where-I'm-going-with-this.

2. Murder should not be announced this way.

3. "Did I win?"

4. Bear escape recreation. (A classic.)

5. What sound does it make when a penguin falls?

6. "Nice, Ron."

7. This smiling doofus is Matteo Renzi, real-life Prime Minister of Italy.

8. "Way to go, Paul." (He's even worse than Ron.)

9. Green Day practice. (NSFW unless you're wearing headphones.)

10. Must have been a cat.

Check out the rest here.

Today's the day to call out "haters and losers."

Two years ago today, in true Trump fashion, the Donald tweeted an insensitive, insult-ridden tweet to commemorate 9/11. It's not enough for him to just mention the tragic event, but he has to take the opportunity to call out all the "haters and losers" out there. Not in the global sense of jihadists being haters and losers (why would Trump give them his best wishes?), but Trump's personal haters and losers, who are legion.

Related: Donald Trump tweeted and then deleted something racist about Jeb Bush's wife.

The tweet is old, but it was freshly deleted this morning, perhaps to make room for another baffling 9/11 tweet. If the campaign keeps deleting questionable tweets, there will eventually be nothing else.

Related: If you can watch this surreal Donald Trump video without laughing, you should be President.

Yo, Trump, a simple "haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate," would suffice, and be more appropriate literally any other day in the year.  

Do you feel like you have too much free time and want to get emotionally invested in some teenagers' relationship? Watch this video.

This video will shake you out of your dumb adult emotional stability and bring you right back to the turmoil of being a teen. These high school sweethearts, Isobel and Adam, interviewed each other about their relationship and what they think will happen when Adam leaves for college while Isobel is still in high school. (The video is part of a project called {The And}, which was also responsible for that other couple Q&A where an ex-boyfriend unsuccessfully tried to justify doing unfaithful "hand stuff.") These teens seem really mature, yet also depressingly realistic about the future. When Isobel says that "everything is, like, perfect right now," you really want them to never have to grow up. Although at least they won't have to do homework anymore, which really is not overrated.

He gets older, the cars stay the same age.

There is no sage wisdom spoken by Matthew McConaughey in this new car commercial, because he does not speak at all. That's right, the secret sauce has been removed. The entire reason that Jim Carrey was able to lampoon it on Saturday Night Live. We are deprived of the soothing musings of McConaughey, that perfect mix of Texas drawl delivered with stoner tempo.

Perhaps they were afraid the commercials would be become too formulaic and predictable. And maybe they were right. In that case, there were other options available to shake things up, like keep him talking but maybe have him lose the shirt.

1. A jeweled mask that covers your mouth. 

We cannot "make this work."

It's no shock that runway fashion and beauty trends aren't practical, but damn! They look so enticing! Especially when Instagramed. New York City Fashion Week began yesterday, flooding the streets with people who don't have to worry about how functional their shoes are, since they're expensing cabs everywhere. The rest of us have to settle for scrolling through awesome pics of looks we couldn't pull off if we lived to be a thousand. These are all the styles you will definitely not be rocking for NYFW.

2. Wearing as many clothes as possible in the ocean.

3. Really tall underwear for people who never have emergency poops.

4. Strong hairline accents apparently invented in a world without premature balding.

5. Projected lasers that draw attention to your high cheekbones and professional lighting entourage.

6. Wearing all those extra high-end electronics directly into the ocean.

7. Child smuggling can be glamorous?

8. A single heel for that "pirate walk."

9. Heart shaped bangs, for hair feelings.

10. Flower beards, to match your local meadow.

11. Hangover makeup... wait, never mind. We got this one down.

Finally, fashion for everyone!

She goes right back to her livestream after shutting him down.

A catcaller decided to interrupt a NYC woman as she was broadcasting live on Periscope, and she handled him like a pro without missing a step or a beat. For those that don't know, Periscope is an app that lets you broadcast live from your phone to your Periscope and Twitter followers, and catcallers are unrelenting douchebags with big mouths. Regrettably these incidents are common in New York, and she notes that it happens to pretty much "any woman in the city with half a vagina."

Not surprisingly, he broke all rules that civilized people follow when meeting new women, such as don't catcall women, don't follow women, don't touch women, and never interrupt a New Yorker while she's using her phone. He finally retreated when she flashed her wedding ring, a classic finishing move (which she lamented was necessary). 

It also serves as a guide for how to deal with that weird relative who still thinks you're five.

The Royal Institution, a British organization dedicated to science education and research, made a video about how to stop being ticklish, and it looks like it works. I don't know if it actually works, since it would be weird to ask someone in the office to tickle me right now, but I'm just going to trust them. All you have to do is put your hands over the hands of the person tickling you.

Here's the explanation: When you tickle yourself, your brain makes predictions as to how it'll feel, so you often don't laugh or squirm. The feeling is less predictable, however, when someone else tickles you, so your body gets more alarmed. If you put your hands over this other person's, your brain can more accurately predict what their hands will do (or else it's tricking itself into thinking that you are the one doing the tickling).

To summarize: If someone tickles you, hold their hands. Fight creepiness with creepiness.

A well-meaning Facebook post by an elementary school has gone viral, but not everyone is into it. 

Any parent can tell you that kids don't get enough sleep these days. Kids can tell you too, but you'll have to prod them a few times to wake them up before they can answer the question. Between early start times for school, loads of extracurricular activities, and staring at their phone for hours, kids are lucky to manage eight hours a night. The problem is that they actually need much more than that. How much more? Wilson Elementary School in Kenosha, Wisconsin hoped to clear that up once and for all by sharing this handy chart on its Facebook page. The response, however, was far beyond what anyone anticipated.

As you can see, the post has gone massively viral. As of press time, it has almost 400,000 shares. But not every parent likes what it has to say. And they have a point – some of these bedtimes seem hopelessly ambitious. What kind of school-age kid manages to get 11 hours of sleep? Outside of Amish country, anyway? And have you ever tried getting a 12-year-old to go to bed at 8:15? They'll laugh right in your face.

Look at a few of these angry comments from frustrated parents (who probably aren't getting a lot of sleep either):

These parents certainly got defensive fast, but the facts may be on their side. Dr. George Zaldivar, Sleep Center Medical Director at CAMC General in Charleston, West Virginia, feels that schools are at fault for starting too early. He told WTRF:

"The child should be going to school by 8-830 instead of getting up at 6 in the morning."

On behalf on all kids everywhere, thank you Dr. Zaldivar! While we're at it, maybe we can stop pressuring kids to take a million extracurricular activities just so they can get into a good college and be in debt the rest of their lives. Sorry, that's a tangent.

The National Sleep Foundation recommends that kids 3-5 get 11-13 hours of sleep per night, and kids 6-13 get 9-11 hours. As for teenagers, they should get 8-10 hours, but let's be honest; that's never going to happen.

We need all the help we can get. 

Yeni Sleidi, a bruja in Brooklyn, gathered her friends to perform curses on the curse that has befallen America, Donald Trump. 

One of the hexes is the “name-in-the-freezer” hex, as Sleidi invoked the "Ice Queen" to freeze Trump's head, by writing his name, putting it in water and freezing the glass. They also place a hair-loss curse upon his iconic combover. They prayed, "let no evil words be spoken," and "banish this evil and the harm it has done," tying a knot to symbolize the curse of silence.

Here's hoping this helps rid him from the race, and the world. 

Have you ever bought secondhand clothes and found a dollar in the pocket? This is like that times 1000.

If you've avoided reading up on the ongoing refugee crisis, that's understandable. It's deeply depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless. But let this story be a heartwarming way for you to dip your toe into the chilly, chilly reality of what's going on.

Angela Kerrigan and Jo Kenmuir are two 30-year-old Scottish women who felt they had to do something after seeing horrific images of what refugees were going through on the news. They collected clothes and money from their neighbors in Kilmarnock and brought them to Calais to give to migrants arriving in the UK.

While sorting through the 42 bags of donated clothes, Kerrigan noticed a note fall out of the pocket of an old jacket. She was so moved by what it said, she shared it on Twitter:

The note read:

We are strangers.
I don’t know who you are, but please stay strong.
Politics have failed you, but people will save you.
We all sleep under the same sky.

Kerrigan's tweet has gone viral, as people all over the world are struck by the simple beauty of the anonymous author's sentiment. In four lines, he or she captured the essence of why it's so important to help in a moment like this. Kerrigan herself was brought to tears when she first read it. She told The Independent,

“It was a real show of human compassion and what was said was so true. I was very touched, and it makes everything worth it.”

If you'd like to donate, The Guardian has put together a very helpful page of resources. Every little bit helps, even if it doesn't come with an elegantly-written message. Which is good, because you're not going to top this one.