He was tired of waiting for his pizza after 40 minutes. 

According to the Colorado Springs Gazette, a bear snuck into a pizza place thorugh an open door, made its way to the prep room, ate the icing that is reserved for cinnamon buns and curled up for a nap on a storage rack. 

The pizza people called in wildlife officers, who will feed and rehabilitate the malnourished bear, and then release it back to the wild.

Looking forward to seeing you on 420, Bear. 

Whatever happened to predictability?

In the best parody of traditional sitcom openings since "Too Many Cooks," Jimmy Kimmel and John Stamos took on the traditional tropes last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live! 

From the suave slide-in opening the door to the back-to-back arm fold pose, Stamos and Kimmel take you back to the glory days of opening sequences. Better yet, the lyrics to the theme songs is what sitcoms have been missing these days. It's a comfort to be reminded at the top of every episode that the show is about "two best friends living in the city. One's the boss, the other's pretty. Can the cope? Can they relate? I guess they'll find out as roommates."

You gotta give props to John Stamos. Like Jenny from the Block, no matter where he goes, he knows where he came from. 

It's really more of a light beefing than a feud.

In July, Cara Delevingne was deemed "awkward" for not being peppy enough toward her condescending interviewers on Good Day Sacramento. The whole thing was entirely cringe-y, and you can catch yourself up on the interview and ensuing Twitter analysis here.

The one thing that was never settled, though, was what Robb Stark from Game of Thrones thought about the whole situation. People were like, "Sure, the news anchors clearly didn't understand Cara Delevingne's dry sense of humor, and it was definitely inappropriate to imply she might not have read the book her movie was based on. But when will Robb Stark from Game of Thrones give his input?" Finally, we can put our minds at ease. Robb Stark, who apparently is an actor named Richard Madden, told Style:

"It was unprofessional. It made her seem ungrateful. She showed her age. For Cinderella, I did six weeks of those interviews, where you get asked the same eight questions. If you're not capable of doing that gracefully, then don't do it."

Thanks so much for your input, Richard Madden. After your famously smooth press tour for Cinderella, you're basically the preeminent expert on the professionalism levels of all celebrities. Plus, due to how impressively old you are, you definitely know more than all younger people, who are always lamely showing their age. Especially when they stand up for themselves!

Cara Delevingne started out her Twitter response by hilariously mentioning that she has no idea who Madden is.

Then she said that he seemed desperate and should mind his own business, before retweeting a photo of her giving her best side-eye with the caption "Richard, what's good?". Madden immediately backed off his comments, which he says were "blown out of proportion."

Do celebrities think they can just say everything they get in trouble for was misquoted? Don't interviewers record their conversations on an iPhone? Check the tapes!

That's a lie that could cost him some work.

Comedian Steve Rannazzisi of The League on FX admitted that he completely made up his claim that he escaped the World Trade Center attacks on 9/11. For years, Rannazzisi claimed he was at work at Merrill Lynch’s offices on the 54th floor of the south tower when the first plane struck the north tower. This week, he was confronted about the validity of his story and admitted it was untrue.

He detailed the experience on the comedy podcast "WTF with Marc Maron" back in 2009, and has recounted the story on several other podcast interviews. It's not surprising his story was revisited since it makes for great podcast interview banter. Rannazzisi issued an apology statement acknowledging the stupidity of his actions:

“It was profoundly disrespectful to those who perished and those who lost loved ones. The stupidity and guilt I have felt for many years has not abated. It was an early taste of having a public persona, and I made a terrible mistake. All I can ask is for forgiveness.”

In addition to his role on The League he appears in national commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings, which are broadcast with high frequency during football season. His future acting endeavors are uncertain, but what is certain is that Americans don't take kindly to those that lie about surviving 9/11.

As part of a previously agreed-upon punishment,a man had his willy singed.

In a bizarre case out of Adelaide, Australia, every man's worst nightmare came true for one poor soul. But in a deeply baffling twist, the victim had given permission for it to happen. And it wasn't even a kinky sex thing.

22-year-old Bronwyn Joy Parker pleaded guilty to recklessly causing serious harm in a domestic incident involving her boyfriend. The two had met on Facebook (never a good sign), and started a relationship that only got worse over time. As District Court Judge Paul Muscat said in his sentencing,

You regularly abused him, including physically, if you suspected, or, if he admitted to being unfaithful to you. You were particularly jealous of his association with his ex-girlfriend.

It got so bad that Parker's boyfriend eventually agreed that if he cheated on her, she could burn his testicles with her hair straightener. Then he cheated on her. Judge Muscat described the incident with fascinating and unnecessary detail:

He was unfaithful to you and had spent two nights with his ex-girlfriend and had sex with her. When you found out about that, you reminded him of his promise to you… He asked you ‘What about it?’ referring to the promise he had previously made… You told him to remove his penis from his shorts, which he did… He said that you could ‘tap it’ with the straighteners after he removed his penis, after you said that you were not going to burn his testicles… You took his penis in your hand and then, with the other, you placed the straighteners on either side of the shaft of his penis before squeezing them momentarily… I need not here say anything of the pain and shock which he then experienced.

Pain? Yes. Shock? That's harder to believe. Did they really not think applying a 400° piece of metal to his penis would hurt? That's certainly what Parker wants everyone to believe. She told the police that she thought it would just be like a bad sunburn. The reality was much worse:

To start off with, it looked brown around the outside and it didn’t look too bad, it just looked as if you had cooked a piece of meat.

Within minutes, the victim's penis was “swollen, blistering and black in colour,” according to his own description. He didn't get it treated right away, because he was embarrassed (no shit). When he did, he was diagnosed with third degree burns on both sides of his unit. Doctors say his healing process may take two years, but his little friend will never be the same. As Judge Muscat said,

In short, his penis will be scarred for life and he will suffer from a number of issues, including the proper function of his penis, not to mention the cosmetic and psychological problems associated with the scarring to such a sensitive site.

For this senseless mistreatment of a poor little penis whose only crime was curiosity, the Judge sentenced Parker to nine months in prison. He later suspended that sentence upon her entering an 18-month good behavior bond. That means for the next year and a half, no dickbecues.

Replace crack cocaine with pie, and you've got George Dalton's cover of 'Trap Queen."

Child actor George Dalton made a jazzy cover of "Trap Queen," a song by rapper Fetty Wap about his ideal girlfriend (who also helps him make drugs). Because pie is like crack for kids, all of the explicit drug references have been replaced with pie references, and a few of the other risqué references have also been modified. Here are a few:

• "Strip club" is now "strip mall"
• "See your pretty ass" has been changed to "you look pretty awesome"
• For the "man I swear I love how she work the damn pole" line, "damn pole" has been switched to "damn stove"
• "Get high" has been changed to "feel high" (?)
• "Hit the bando" has been switched to "hit the condo"

It was actually released in July, but its seen a bit of a resurgence after Desus Nice (a.k.a. Young Chipotle) tweeted the following:

It's not officially a Kidz Bop remix, but it pretty much is. There's definitely some weird stuff going on with the whole "young-women-being-domestic-and-baking-pies" thing, not to mention how annoying it is when white people do cutesy covers of rap songs, but George Dalton is 10, so he's probably just doing what his parent agents are telling him. Ride that wave, George. 

Texan high school student Ahmed Mohamed, 14, likes to build stuff.

He loved his robotics club in middle school and wanted to find a similar outlet for his passion upon entering his new high school, Macarthur High School in Irving, Texas. He decided to build a clock in an attempt to impress his new engineering teacher.

When he brought it in, though, the engineering teacher's reaction was cold; he was told that the clock was "nice," but not to show it to any other teachers. Unfortunately, the clock's alarm went off in his English class. The idiot English teacher thought it looked like a bomb, even though Ahmed told her that it was a clock. That didn't stop her from notifying the principal, who notified the police, who detained and interrogated him for daring to be good at making stuff.

Arresting a 14-year-old kid with a Muslim-sounding name for bringing an electronic projects to school isn’t even the worst part of this story. First off, when Ahmed was taken into the interrogation room, a police officer said "Yup. That’s who I thought it was"—an obvious reference to the color of his skin and his name. A police spokesman, apparently incapable of hearing the irony in his own words, later explained, "We have no information that he claimed it was a bomb. He kept maintaining it was a clock, but there was no broader explanation."

The police literally could not accept the fact that a brown kid put wires together to make something other than a bomb. Ahmed was suspended from school for three days, and the police "may yet charge him with making a hoax bomb." 

The school district also sent out this letter to parents, blaming Ahmed for his actions and not apologizing at all:

Dear Parents/Guardians,

In Irving ISD and at MacArthur High School, your child’s safety and well-being is always our top priority and we want to maintain open, honest and timely communication with you. If there was ever an imminent threat to your child, we would take immediate and necessary precautions, and we would inform you immediately.

While we do not have any threats to our school community, we want you to be aware that the Irving Police Department responded to a suspicious-looking item on campus yesterday. We are pleased to report that after the police department’s assessment, the item discovered at school did not pose a threat to your child’s safety.

Our school is cooperating fully with the ongoing police investigation, and we are handling the situation in accordance with the Irving ISD Student Code of Conduct and applicable laws. Please rest assured that we will always take necessary steps to keep our school as safe as possible.

I recommend using this opportunity to talk with your child about the Student Code of Conduct and specifically not bringing items to school that are prohibited [emphasis ours]. Also, this is a good time to remind your child how important it is to immediately report any suspicious items and/or suspicious behavior they observe to any school employee so we can address it right away. We will always take necessary precautions to protect our students.

Thank you for your understanding and support of MacArthur High School as we do everything we can for your child's safety.

Sincerely,

Dan Cumming

Thankfully, Ahmed's story got out through The Dallas Morning News, who also published a video interview with Ahmed. He seems like a pretty chill dude:

The Internet also rushed to Ahmed's defense. The hashtag #IStandWithAhmed has been tweeted over 150,000 times, and Hillary Clinton also tweeted at Ahmed:

Anil Dash, a very prominent figurehead in the maker community (a DIY community that likes to build stuff) started a campaign to help Ahmed and his family:

On top of that, Bobak Ferdowsi, the Iranian NASA engineer famous for his mohawk, offered him a job:

I'm sure Ahmed will be excited by that—he was arrested in a NASA t-shirt:

It will take a profound commitment to ignorance for the school not to apologize and revoke Ahmed's suspension. Whatever happens, though, it definitely looks like Ahmed has a bright future. 

Updated 12:01pm:

Ahmed now has his own social media presence @IStandWithAhmed, where you can follow his adventures in justice-seeking. He already has 12,000 followers, which makes being subjected to humiliating ethnic profiling totally worth it, right?

Do not mess with nurses. They're tired and they're angry from caring so goddamn much, and they don't have time for you to be stupid.

Update: The hosts of The Viewresponded today, which can best be summed up by Joy Behar's quote, "I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about."

Michelle Collins and Joy Behar are two of the current co-hosts of The View. I don't know what kind of training or education is required for that job, but it clearly didn't include a test on how medicine works in the real world. While having a very serious discussion of the Miss America pageant, Michelle Collins—whose rise to prominence began as managing editor of Best Week Ever's website—took a moment to mock Miss Colorado Kelly Johnson's performance in the talent section.

Not because Miss Colorado fell down or said something insanely stupid, but because she came out wearing her nurse's uniform and talked about being a nurse. Or, as Ms. Collins described it, she "basically read her emails out loud and, shockingly, did not win." The more than four million YouTube views on the clip uploaded by NJ.com seem to indicate other people enjoyed her segment, but OK. Michelle Collins is allowed to be bored by someone talking about how they dedicated their lives to others. Then Joy Behar stepped in with one of her classic comedy zingers:

"Why does she have a doctor's stethoscope on?"

Classic. That idiot nurse beauty doesn't even know the difference between a nurse stethoscope and a doctor one! I mean, there's no such difference, but let's not ruin Behar's joke with facts. What was Michelle's answer? "She helps patients with Alzheimer's, which I know is not funny, but I swear you had to see it." Yeah. In context, the Alzheimer's bit was hilarious. How did nurses on the Internet feel about this, you might very reasonably ask?

They were, in short, very unhappy at getting another dose of "just a nurse" disrespect. Michelle Collins didn't make it better:

Many used the hashtag #nursesunite to express their feelings.

Let's just hope Joy Behar stays very, very healthy in the near future, or else... or else nurses will still take care of her, because that's what they do.

As Adam Levine says, "Neil Patrick Harris, man." 

Neil Patrick Harris' variety show Best Time Ever premiered last night with a variety of pranks. In addition to following an Alabama couple around for months, he played a lil' trick on his friends at another NBC show, The Voice. 

NPH did his best Christoph Waltz impression to create the character of Jurgen Vollmer, the giddy new host of the Austrian version of The Voice. He asked Adam Levine, Blake Shelton, Carson Daly, Gwen Stefani and Pharrell Williams their advice for making The Voice the best show that Austria has ever seen, before singing a spirited rendition of "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going" for a blind audition.

"And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going" to watch too much of this show. 

A redditor found this note under her boyfriend's door. Contained within was serious preteen drama.

Remember when you hit puberty and every social interaction suddenly became the most intense thing you'd ever experienced? The stakes of your romantic life will never be that high again. But every now and then, it's nice to be reminded of that pain and laugh sadistically at kids living through it now.

That's why this note is so delightful. It was found by a redditor Wait_No_Stop; here's her explanation of the incident:

This 12yo girl in my neighborhood has a crush on my boyfriend and knocks on our door almost every day to ask him to play. We found this under our doormat after she walked by us tossing a football outside.

Poor Trinity. Being heartbroken is one thing, but being "draw a crying emoticon" heartbroken is much worse. Let's hope she soon finds love with someone more age-appropriate who appreciates her sensitivity and excellent penmanship. And let's also hope John's girlfriend learns not to roll her eyes all over the neighborhood. Hussy.

Kylie krowned king of getting people to pay $2.99 for an app.

Last week, all four Kardashian/Jenners released not-free apps that promise to give users the kind of deep insight into the K's lives that cannot be achieved on the normal Internet.  According to TMZ, Kylie's is doing the best, by like, a lot. Just look at these questionably obtained stats:

A total of 891,340 people liked either Kim, Khloé, Kendall or Kylie enough to pay for their online service. Here's the breakdown:

74%    Kylie
11%    Khloé
9%      Kim
6%      Kendall

If this is giving you flashbacks to the first time your younger sibling beat you in the backstroke when you were kids on the swim team, you're not alone. I looked at each of the apps and made wild conjecture as to why each one ranked the way it did.

Kendall's App (6%):

Kendall's app came in last place because it's just too washed out and simple looking. Also, she doesn't have fake lips, a clear must-have for people who are famous for being famous.

Kim's App (9%):

Kim is pregnant and we all know your life ends when you have kids. KIDDING DON'T KILL ME THAT WAS A JOKE.

Khloé's App (11%):

Khloé's downfall was due to the fact that three of her main categories don't make any sense. Is "glam" just pictures of 70s glam rockers? Does "fit" tell you if your leftovers will fit into your Gladware? Is "xo" just an online hug? I need one of those.

Kylie's App (74%):

Kylie's app crushed the sisterly competition by being neon turquoise and blinding everyone into submission. Yep, that's the only reason.

Beyoncé wanted to come, she was just busy.

Breaking: There's a new Instagram video of Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, the two under-appreciated former members of Destiny's Child, singing to Rowland's 10-month-old son, Titan. They appear to be situated in some kind of penthouse situation, and they seem good, don't you think? Rowland wrote in the caption that anyone can join in the song:

Ok your turn, add a third, post the video and make sure you hashtag #TITANSsong #GO!

But honestly, they have really beautiful voices, so maybe this is one of those times when we should just listen?

A judge ruled in favor of writing obscenities on your g*ddamn piece of sh!t speeding tickets.

Back in 2012, Willian Barboza received a speeding ticket while driving through Liberty, Connecticut. He was super pissed off, but he did the lawful thing and mailed in his payment. He also replaced the town's name with "TYRANNY" and added "FUCK YOUR SHITTY TOWN BITCHES" in a blank space on the ticket. He expressed the true sentiment of anyone who's ever received an out-of-town speeding ticket. Here's a close-up of the message:

Willian was surprised when Justice Brian P. Rourke informed him that his payment was rejected and he had to haul @ss back up to sh*tty Liberty, CT to appear in court. While in court, Willian was cuffed and thrown in county jail, because apparently his note was considered "aggravated harassment" by the assistant district attorney. He literally got arrested for six offensive, yet harmless, poorly handwritten words on a speeding ticket.

In 2013, another judge dismissed the charges, but Willian and the New York Civil Liberties Union saw a bigger problem, namely that his First Amendment rights had been violated. They filed a lawsuit against the ironically named town of Liberty. Yesterday, a judge ruled in favor of Willian Barboza. Here's his response to the court's decision:

Instead of protecting freedom of speech, government officers in Liberty handcuffed me, arrested me for a crime and almost sent me to jail because I harmlessly expressed my frustration with a speeding ticket. The people I trusted to uphold the law violated my most basic rights. I hope that by standing up for myself, other Americans will not be treated like criminals for complaining about their government with a few harmless words.

Go forth and write how you really feel on traffic tickets! As long as you aren't threatening violence at anyone or anything, obviously. I'll be writing a letter to the city of Philadelphia for the $300 parking ticket I received in 2001, when the sign was BEHIND A F*CKING TREE, TWO SPOTS AWAY. 

Way out of the radius.

Thomas Gallagher, also known as redditor u/lagger, performed the incredible feat of following through on a promise he made to a Tinder match. Even more exceptional is that the promise was to take her to China.

Gallagher told his story on Reddit, starting his thread, "6 months ago I opened a tinder convo by telling a girl I would take her to China. Yesterday we landed in Beijing."

He explains, 

I was killing time swiping while traveling for work in a city (Chicago) 700 miles from where I live. Just out of curiosity/boredom I messaged a girl about one of her travel photos. Subsequently I told her I would take her to China if she took me to New Zealand. She agreed. We have been flying to see each other each weekend for the past 6 months and landed in Beijing yesterday. We're booked for New Zealand in February.

She hasn't tried to murder me yet and still has not revealed any signs of being a bot. I honesty have not been happier.

Because it's Reddit, Gallagher made sure to provide proof of his story, in the form of vertical iPhone footage of their flight to Beijing.

Gallagher admits that meeting on Tinder is not the romantic fairy tale he dreamed of, but he certainly made it as romantic as possible. "I guess everyone wants some Princess Bride story about their relationship," he wrote, "But some people meet on Tinder. As terrible as that sounds."

It's a comfort to know that there isn't only creeps on Tinder, and that you could actually score some cool vacations by swiping right. 

Take a breather, Internet. Barry won this one.

By now, you've probably read the story of Ahmed Mohamed. The 14-year-old Texas student built a clock by himself and brought it into school to impress his teachers, only to be arrested because one of them thought it might be a bomb. People all over the Internet have rushed to Ahmed's defense, lambasting the school for being bigoted and paranoid.

Beyond the discrimination issues, this story is a pretty dismal reflection on the state of education in the US. That's the point Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama wanted to make in his first response, which appeared (where else?) on Twitter:

Inspiring kids to like science is what makes America great, when it happens. The bright side is that this story might actually do that. Science never looks more badass than when it gets you unjustly arrested in front of your whole school. That's so punk rock.

Do you feel a little creepy about this? You should, they're both teenagers.

Jaden Smith and his model girlfriend Sarah Snyder are like, super into each other. They were looking like a real couple at a show at New York Fashion Week, you know, just like a normal, every day rich teenage couple.

Jaden, 17, is known for his strange views about the universe... and acting, I think? Yeah, he's definitely done some acting. Sarah, 19, is known for her rap sheet. She stole a $16,000 handbag in June. I'm way more upset that there are handbags that cost $16,000 than the fact that she tried to steal one. Anyway, you're about to see a picture of them kissing with tongue. Here it goes:

Hope you're sufficiently weirded out, you creep-os.

This one is of your mom screaming in the shower. And this one is of your grandma screaming in the shower. And one day, you'll scream in the shower.

Remember in Psycho when the lady screamed in the shower right before she (spoiler) became what's known as "super stabbed"? Well, that screaming lady, actress Janet Leigh, is somebody's mom. And that somebody is Jamie Lee Curtis.

Curtis is currently working on Scream Queens, the new horror-comedy TV show from Glee/American Horror Story creator Ryan Murphy, and yesterday she tweeted a photo from the set. (Jamie also got her start as a screamer in Halloween.) In it, she's recreating her mama's iconic pre-stab moment while holding up a photo of the original scene.

She included the date and time of the show's premiere in the tweet, because it's definitely a planned advertisement. And guess what? It's working.