The Pontifical Mission Societies launched a campaign called Joke with the Pope, which encourages people to donate their favorite joke to the pope. The winner of the contest, which will run until October 2, will be named honorary comedic advisor to the pope, and one charitable cause will receive a $10,000 donation. 

Contestants choose one of three causes to support: helping street children in Buenos Aires, Argentina; housing the homeless in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia; or feeding the hungry in Nairobi, Kenya. Here's the submission from Bill Murray, honorary advisor for pontifical comedy:

Conan O'Brien also donated a joke in honor of the pope's visit to the United States:

The winner will be announced on October 5. It's probably best not to tell any jokes about a 12-inch pianist. 

In the wake of the House passing the bill to defund Planned Parenthood, and the Senate now getting in on the action, women are speaking out about how this law will actually affect people. The viral hashtag #ShoutYourAbortion has people sharing their stories without shame. Because this is America, abortion, and also the Internet, this has been slightly polarizing. Here are the most powerful tweets from the trend: first the ones "For," and then the ones "against." Of the "against" ones, a scan of the tweeter's profile was necessary to prove they weren't from satirical accounts. 

Stigma Enders:

Stigma Defenders:

Well, did we solve everything? No? How about a dialogue? Yes, volume levels aside, you can't deny at least now people are talking about how this real legislation by our democratically elected government is actually going to change lives. That'll do, hashtag.

The Black Dot Campaign was started this year as a way for victims of domestic violence to signal that they need help when they are potentially unable to speak out and ask for it. Someone who who feels unsafe or is trapped in a violent situation can draw a black dot on their skin, and it will be recognized by anyone familiar with the campaign as a cry for help. 

The campaign has gotten mixed responses, but has also begun trending amongst women who have escaped domestic violence and who want to share their stories.

Some people have been critiquing the campaign, saying that if we all know what the black dot means, it follows that the abuser might as well and it could trigger them into further control and violence. The response has been that every case is different and what is helpful for one woman might not work for another, but ultimately the more tools for helping people the better. It also seems to be inspiring women to think outside the box about how to reach out.

Relationships that have become abusive are complicated to navigate, but it seems like the more ways there are for people in those situations to reach out, the better.

It's fall, so it's time to throw on a scarf and hit the hay rides and haunted houses and u-pick apple farms and other autumnal-type stuff. Delightful activities all of them, and activities which would be all the better if The Man let you drink while you did them. "I'm sorry, sir," they say with their smug little half-smiles, "there's no drinking at the pumpkin patch." But necessity is the mother of invention, and there are lots of devices out there that help you smuggle booze.

1. With this fake hairbrush.

2. Inside this fake cushion.

3. Inside a tie.

4. Hidden in your scarf.

5. Tucked inside your bra.

6. Inside your commuter mug.

7. Underneath your gross foot.

8. Literally everywhere.

9. Pretending it's sun block (and yes, that is a flask).

10. In your wallet.

11. Hidden in your ridiculously fake beard.

12. Inside of a fake camera.

13. In a phone case that isn't a phone case.

14. In your old-timey cell phone.

15. Pretending it's a tampon.

JB Hi-Fi, which is like the Best Buy of Australia, refused entry to a boy with Down Syndrome yesterday. He was mistaken for another person with Down Syndrome who was banned from the store for suspected shoplifting. Even after his sister explained that he was a different person, the guard still wouldn't let him in. The boy's mom then called the store's manager about the situation, and was told that "he would never, ever, ever get an apology." Here's his sister's Facebook post, which went viral:

I have never been so disgusted and mad in my life. Today at JB HiFi Mt Ommaney, when my dad and my brother (who has Down's syndrome) entered the store the security guard immediately stepped in front of my brother and said that he wasn't allowed in the store. 

My dad, confused, asked "Why not?" and the security guard said that he had my brother's photo and he wasn't allowed in. My dad asked to see the manager and while he is being called, the security guard goes through his phone to find a photo of the young man that they think is my brother. When my dad and the manager are shown a photo of a white male who also had Down's syndrome, my dad says it's clearly not James, who has olive skin, and the manager replied "well they look the same". 

Despite the evidence that my brother had been mistaken for another young man, the manager still refused to let him in. By this stage James, the sweetest boy who is still in love with The Wiggles and Ben 10, was visibly upset at what was happening and my dad took him home. 

Mum called up the manager of the store, demanding that he apologize to her son, to which he replied that "he would never, ever, ever get an apology" from him and that he had "the right to stop anyone he pleased from entering the store". 

Please, if you are also disgusted by the discrimination shown to James, share this and take a stand against bullying and ignorance

After she received an outpouring of support, JB Hi-Fi released an apology from their CEO:

JB Hi-Fi is committed to providing all customers with the best possible shopping experience.

We have investigated the incident involving James Milne and his family at our Mount Ommaney store.

We apologise to James and his family for any distress he has suffered as a result of this incident.

JB Hi-Fi and the manager of our Mount Ommaney store believe that we could have managed this in a better way in the interests of James and his family.

JB Hi-Fi is committed to learning from this and improving our customer experience across all of our stores.

To support this we are reviewing our customer policies to make sure that they reflect best practice.

Richard Murray CEO of JB Hi-Fi said “We would like to apologise unreservedly to James. We should have done better yesterday. We are going to make sure that we learn from this and do better in the future. I have sent a personal letter of apology to James and we are continuing to endeavour to contact the family to apologise directly.

While they're at it, they should also probably re-evaluate their company name. "JB Hi-Fi" sounds like a made-up electronics store from a 90s movie. No one's gonna take you seriously with that. Here are some hipper alternatives:

• ChillWaves
• Murray's Living Room
• TechTechTech
• Slick Soundz
• Speakers on Fleek
• Death to Amazon
• g a d g e t

In Oklahoma, an elementary school teacher has drummed up some old-school occultish controversy by demanding that left-handed students learn to write with their right hands – a practice that hasn't been accepted in the US for decades. What's more, the school doesn't seem to see it as a big deal.

It started when four-year-old Zayde came home from pre-K one day, and his mother Alisha Sands noticed him writing his homework with his right hand. That came as a surprise, because Zayde had always been a lefty, just like her. Suspecting he was hearing some left-hating nonsense at school, she asked him if his teacher had ever said anything about his hands. In response, Zayde lifted his left hand and said, "This one's bad."

When Alisha sent a note to the teacher, things took a hard right turn for the worse. Instead of apologizing, the teacher sent her a link to a shady online article calling left-handedness "unlucky," "sinister," and "evil." It also pointed out that the Devil is often portrayed as left-handed. Of course, superstitions like this are nothing new – any know-it-all word nerd will tell you that the word "sinister" used to mean "left" – but the days of such occult mumbo-jumbo being enforced in public schools are over. Or so Alisha Sands thought.

She complained to the superintendent about her son's teacher being a psycho, but the school declined to do anything about it. The teacher is still working, educating students every day on what parts of their body are evil. When she was confronted about the story, she said condescendingly that Alisha needed "literature" on it. By which she must have meant the Necronomicon.

Only when Alisha took her story to the news team at KFOR did the school district launch an investigation. Judging from their values, it probably involves a lot of séances and astral projection.

Since her story hit the news, Alisha has been connecting with other parents on this issue. She posted this comment on Facebook:

Until yesterday I had to assume Zayde was the only child being treated in this manner.... I was sent a video of a girl also in the class stating basically what my son had said. I feel horrible for these kids but am also a little relieved because now maybe they'll have to listen...

Just in case they still don't want to listen, Alisha has filed an official complaint with the Oklahoma Board of Education. If that doesn't work, she'll figure out some other way to get her revenge. Left-handers never give up when they want to make someone pay.

Wisconsin governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the very crowded race for the Republican presidential nomination yesterday after his poll numbers literally dropped to zero. Right after he announced his withdrawal, his former digital strategist Liz Mair went on a Twitter tirade that easily rivals her contemporaries in the constantly-feuding musiccommunity.

Prior to Walker's quitting, Liz had parted ways with the Walker camp over a tweet in the first place, so it's not surprising that the communications strategist used Twitter to go bonkers once her old boss announced his failure to achieve his White House dreams.

Here's how it started:

Then she got to specifics: 

And finally, she ended on a semi-nice note:

What is that "very bad story that could well have been coming?" Ah! There are a bunch more tweets in the same vein, which you can find on Liz Mair's Twitter profile.

Azealia Banks called a flight attendant a f##king fa##ot during a complete meltdown as she departed a plane early Tuesday morning. Apparently, she lost it when the flight attendant would not let her push past a couple in front of her in the aisle as they were retrieving their luggage. Granted, we've all wanted to push the slow people taking their sweet time getting off the plane, but you're not allowed to actually do it. 

Azealia has been less than apologetic about the incident on Twitter:

Apparently Azealia, her family, and every single one of her employees are members of the LGBT community. Not only does she have full license to use gay slurs, she doesn't even need correct spelling when using the word "sayonara." So she can call it a day and go get her nails done. Nothing else to say.

At this point, Mike Melgaard is basically a professional troller of complaining idiots. He first came to everyone's attention when he set up a fake Target customer service account and started responding to people on the official Target Facebook page who had a problem with the company's recent decision to end gender separation in the toy section. Plenty of people like to troll for good in addition to lulz, but Mike has truly made it into an art form. And he was ready to go when Doritos announced they were introducing a line of limited edition rainbow chips in support of the It Gets Better Project, a suicide prevention organization focusing on LGBT youth and teens. Boy, were Doritos lovers mad about helping gay teens! Here are 8 of the best examples of misdirected rage:

1. Patty's seen things.

2. Frito-Lay started the Crusades.

3. Rainbow chips make couples with one FB account insecure.

4. Gayritos + "Fagbook" = perfect night in.

5. Josh. Duggar.

6. No corporation has every gotten involved in politics.

7. What would Jesus eat?

8. No one thinks "Doritos" when they hear "eat fresh."

Mike Melgaard may be a fun prankster fooling anti-gay bigots, but it seems like the hateful rhetoric of these commenters might be getting to him. He posted this pretty serious response to all the angry people who don't seem to realize that no matter what color Doritos are, they still taste the same (like they're instantly burning all your taste buds off):

Yeah! Fund space exploration! Wait, what are we talking about? 

If you're one of those people who hates hugs, get ready for two minutes of uncomfortableness as BuzzFeed forces surprise group hugs on anti-hug folks, because we humans love watching other humans feel awkward. I'd say that I'm "hug neutral" (please do not hug me when we are meeting for the first time, especially if it's a business meeting), but this still made me cringe a little bit.

If you need a hug palate cleanser after this, allow me to recommend this cat hugging its owner, because unlike hugs from 22-year-old BuzzFeed employees, hugs from pets are always welcome.

Emmy Award winner Peter Dinklage did not expect to win the Emmy Award. 

When his name was announced, he was super shocked (and a Kate McKinnon behind him was super happy).

When he arrived at the podium, the first thing he says is,

"I wasn't prepared at all. I was even chewing gum."

A close analysis of the events leading up to this moment confirms the whereabouts of the gum. 

The stakes were high: When you play the game of gum, you win or you die. 

First, he kisses his wife purely out of joy and appreciation. 

View the whole sequence of events (with sound!) here:

h/t Distractify

Ruby Rose says that The Untitled Magazine used an image that shows her nipples without permission. What is up with peopleandnipples lately? Make better nipple decisions!

Rose shared the image in question on Instagram with some clever censoring. She explained in the caption that she is "pro 'free the nipple'" and has consensually posed for nipple-baring pics before, but she explicitly told the organizers of this shoot that they could only use covered pictures. She went on to say, "The difference with working with a friend and or choosing to use nudity for art / and someone taking the piss and exploiting you is two different things."

The Untitled Magazine not only won't apologize, but is using words like "equality" and "empowerment" in their justification of using the photos.

Ruby isn't having it:

The person in charge of The Untitled Magazine's Twitter is probably having a serious talk with their boss right now.

Just no.

And now we're all in this mood:

Tom Scott, an adorable YouTube personality who makes geeky videos, combined 14 keyboards to make one mega Emoji keyboard. It has over 1,000 keys that are all hooked up to one computer, and features every Unicode 8 Emoji (it's missing some of the newer Unicode 9 ones, but give the guy a break). Scott breaks down how to use it like the dweeby young British Bill Nye he is. After watching it, you'll wish he had his own Discovery Channel show and frequently got into public arguments with creationists.

He doesn't though. He just makes nerdy videos.

Ann Pinto McCarney is like a lot of empty nesters – when her son Liam went off to college, she missed him. She wanted to know how he was adjusting, but she didn't hear a peep from him. He totally ghosted her, and probably would have continued to do so as long as the money train didn't stop. Unlike many parents, however, Ann Pinto McCarney is no pushover. She's a sassy, intense, borderline-psychotic tiger mom, and when she's wronged she wants everyone to know.

That's why she made this savage 5-minute Facebook video, shaming her boy with blistering sarcasm for the way he treated her. In an ironic twist sure to please any embittered mom, the post has gone massively viral. Since she posted it on September 16, it has been shared over 31,000 times. Now strangers the world over know what a selfish boy Liam has been.

A mother's love is eternal, but her vengeance is swift and merciless.

Helena Egelston and her step-daughter tried to get into the Taylor Swift concert in Kansas City last night, but unfortunately their StubHub-bought tickets were fake. She got the tickets for $200 a piece from a man named Eric, and she even managed to take video footage of the asshat scam artist. Let's take a look at the blurry criminal making money off unsuspecting Swift fans:

This jerk apparently did the same thing to a bunch of people, because the box office told Helena that over 20 people tried to get in with the same tickets. A tearful Helena was then surprised by a kind stranger who offered to buy them tickets. Taylor herself could probably write a song about this roller coaster pre-concert experience. Their day went from Bad Blood to Shake It Off real quick. 

Helena told Fox4 that two other women heard her story and even gave her step-daughter $20 to buy something inside the show, saying "Everybody was just amazing, and it shows how much good there is out there in the world.”

Here's the news clip:

Modern life offers plenty of horrors, including the the horror of waiting in line for coffee, the horror of having to talk to another person in order to get that coffee, and the horror of that person mangling your name on the cup. But now, Starbucks is trying to fix all that by letting you order and pay ahead of time with their app. Then, when you come into the store, all you'll need to do is pick up your coffee.

According to Refinery 29:

The app lets you choose the Starbucks you want to pick up from and also tells you how long it will take before your beverage is ready. It will even warn you to wait if you are 20 minutes away from the location you want, but it will only take five minutes to make your latte. You can customize your order to your liking and even digitally tip. 

So obviously, Starbucks is pitching this as a time saver app, and not as a "somebody will probably pretend to be you and steal the drink you paid for before you get there" app. Which seems like it will totally start happening, right? There is also no information yet as to whether or not Starbucks will let you buy the inoffensive singer-songwriter CD that's always sitting by the register via the app, but we can dream.

Fifteen-year-old Siahna Im sang on The Voice season premiere last night, and all of the cool judges (sorry Adam Levine) were clamoring to get her on their team. Her performance should make us feel pretty good about what's going to happen when the currentteens start dominating our society and making us Periscope all our secrets.

Siahna, who has described herself as an "old soul," sang "Fever" like an old pro.

Now think back to your freshman year of high school. What were you doing? A paper?

The only downside to this performance is that we might all have to watch The View now.

There have been enough drawings, videos, and comics about "real" Disney princesses lately that I'm 90% sure you could make a living just by finding new ways to interpret the Disney gals. (Disney princesses as raptors? Oh wait, already done.) But perhaps none are quite as wonderful as these grandmothers being given Disney princess makeovers. These women are sweet, charming, and funny, discussing everything from their relationship with princesses to whether or not Snow White gave blow jobs.

These are the same women from BuzzFeed's video of Italian grandmothers trying Olive Garden for the first time, by the way, if you'd like to see them diss on breadsticks and soupy lasagna.

Mark McCracken was kayaking and fishing a half-mile off the coast of Santa Barbara when a hammerhead shark began circling him and trying to attack his kayak. The shark was relentless, even after he gave it several good whacks on the head. Now all his friends and strangers he meets in bars will be forced to believe this story, because McCracken had a helmet cam to record the entire terrifying encounter. 

I was trolling for bonito yesterday when out of nowhere this tweaked out hammerhead started ramming and biting my kayak. I had to hit him over 20 times before he finally gave me some space but still stalked me for a half mile all the way back to shore. Even after I was on shore, he paced back and forth in about 3 feet of water like he was just waiting for me to come back out. Pretty bizarre and crazy experience to say the least.

This shark is such a bully and a stalker that it followed him back to shore. It would not be surprising if the shark started leaving creepy remarks on Mark's Instagram posts. And as he noted in one of his 23 well-earned hashtags, he can now proudly proclaim that he's beaten up a shark.