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'Humans of New York' profiles the most badass dog walker you've ever seen.

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Humans of New York is the Internet's favorite inspirational photo blog. Covering whatever interesting characters photographer Brandon Stanton finds wandering the streets of NYC, the blog has attracted worldwide fame by taking the bold stance that randos are people. Although it's always popular, at times HONY has gone super-viral for not being racist, and for getting comments from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. But even its normal posts can be real gems, and this one is no exception. Yesterday, Stanton profiled a truly unique professional dog walker with a style all his own and an awesome story.

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1093949274012505/?type=3&permPage=1

Here's the full text of the post:

I was a maître d’ at a restaurant for thirteen years. But one week I got a really bad case of pneumonia that put me in the hospital. While I was lying in that hospital bed, I was thinking about how I really didn’t want to go back to work. Then that motivational speaker came on TV. You know-- the one that has all those teeth in his mouth. And he said: ‘Think back to what made you happy when you were young! That’s what you should be doing!’ Well I grew up in the country, and I always had a lot of dogs, so I thought that nothing would make me happier than to be a dog walker. But I knew I needed to distinguish myself. So I decided to make a uniform. I smoked a joint and came up with this outfit. I wanted people to look at me and think: ‘If this man is walking our dog, and there’s some sort of major disaster, he’s going to survive. He’s going to fish for those dogs. He’s going to build a bunker and shelter those dogs until it’s safe to bring them home.’ After I finished the design, I got four of my friends to wear the uniform, and we borrowed all the neighbors’ dogs, and we walked them down 5th avenue while handing out business cards. I got five customers that first day.

Let this be a lesson to anyone who assumes all dog walkers are 24-year-old struggling comedians who are stoned all the time. Some of them are middle-aged paramilitary badasses who've survived a brush with death and are stoned all the time. That's much cooler.


This 6-year-old Jamaican bodybuilder will get you hyped and through your Thursday.

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This young Jamaican bodybuilder wants you to shut your mouth and give him twenty. His name's Marlon Smith and he has a bunch of similar motivational videos which will get you through your workday. He's only six years old, but his future is looking bright. We can see self-improvement seminars, home workout videos, the whole nine yards. They should just give him a personal pedestal at Soul Cycle where he yells at people. Get off your desk, man! Rastafari!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xADR05UfhGQ

 

Article 29

Here are some cool coffee facts to make you feel good about downing your 9th cup today.

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Every time you walk into a Starbucks, you can't help but think about how this coffee drinking ritual began in the Sufi monasteries of Yemen in the 15th century. Or at least, you will now. There are many more interesting facts where that came from to enrich your coffee-drinking experience as much as whole milk. YouTuber Matthew Santoro of Canada did his research and will make you feel better about your addiction, like by informing you that coffee drinkers are 65% less likely to develop Alzheimer's, and it is the most prominent source of antioxidants in Western civilization. Watch this video while sipping coffee, or more realistically, while you're on the toilet partaking in one of coffee's less-fun side effects. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7nXUqGBdRQ

 

Lena Dunham straight up asks Hillary Clinton if she’s a feminist.

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Lena Dunham got real with Hillary Clinton about feminism, and will hopefully get her own writer's room in the White House if Clinton wins the election. Politico has the first clip from the interview, which will be released in full next Tuesday on Dunham's new website, Lenny Letter.

http://bcove.me/i7vbmsq6

When Dunham asked Clinton if she considers herself a feminist, Clinton set the record straight not only on her own views, but on what feminism actually means:

Yes. Absolutely. You know, I’m always a little bit puzzled when any woman of whatever age, but particularly a young woman, says something like, and you've heard it, "Well, I believe in equal rights but I’m not a feminist." Well, a feminist is by definition someone who believes in equal rights. I’m hoping that people will not be afraid to say, that doesn’t mean you hate men, it doesn’t you want to separate out the world, so you’re not, you know, part of ordinary life—that’s not what it means at all! It just means that we believe women have the same rights as men, politically, culturally, socially, economically, that's what it means.

Now that we have this and Beyoncé's "Flawless" video, is the matter settled? And can we get someone, perhaps Hot Debate Guy, to ask all the boy candidates the same question? Thanks.

The guy who wrote "All About That Bass" got an astonishingly skinny paycheck for 178 million streams.

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Kevin Kadish, a co-writer of the butt-focused megahit "All About That Bass," said he was only paid $5,679 from streaming revenues in a speech to members of Congress about music copyright laws. Kadish wrote the song along with singer Meghan Trainor, and its success ensured it was stuck in everyone's head during the summer of 2014. He got the chance to speak to Congress because the House Judiciary Committee is currently exploring the issue of copyright law and artist royalties in the new digital streaming age. The committee is holding hearings to gain input from music industry leaders, broadcasters, technology companies, and songwriters. Congress is actually doing stuff!

All about that base salary, no royalties.

If that is in fact the amount Kadish received, it's shocking to think a song with 178 million streams could pay an artist such a small sum. (Note: this does not income from include traditional record sales.) The single received so much digital play that it was propelled into the UK top 40 by streaming alone. Changes and legal wrangling over this issue will take time, though there is hope that it will be modified in favor of artists. In addition to the House Judiciary hearings, the U.S. Copyright Office released a report this year on music copyright reform. Hopefully, changes will be made soon so writers and singers can actually make some profit from their 15 minutes of fame.

Article 25

White man burns with indignation after restaurant receipt suggests white people can't eat spicy food.

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Stuart Lynn can handle a hot curry, okay? He can handle a curry so hot it'll burn your throat down to your feet and melt the bottom of your sneakers. He once licked the sun. He was just having a mild day, and wanted a curry to match. So Stuart went to local Indian place, Valentine Restaurant, and ordered a curry at the spice level he wanted in the moment. MILD. No further commentary necessary. Or so he thought! When he got home and unpacked his yummy meal (I'm getting hungrier as this article goes on, btw), he discovered his receipt, which had some very special instructions:

Maybe "PPL" stands for pimple? That would be gross.

Naturally, Stuart was angry about what he believes the receipt is insinuating: white people can't handle the hot stuff. He told the Mirror:

"I was not happy at all - it said 'white people' next to my curry. It implies we can't deal with strong curries. I do like a hot curry sometimes. I just fancied a mild one for a change. I thought it was very rude of them.

"It was the first time I've been in there and I won't be going back."

As a white person, I would probably laugh about this, but Stuart is certainly entitled to his offense and boycott. This did remind me of being at dinner with my Mexican cousins, who had made two bowls of guacamole they told me were "mild" and "spicy." I went for the mild, knowing my own limits, and discovered it was about two-thirds jalapeño. I immediately began weeping. The spicy guacamole probably would have killed me. Very glad they were looking out for fragile white people, whose mouths and feelings get hurt very easily.

The restaurant, when questioned, insist that "ppl" means "milk" in restaurant slang. Uh, duh, obviously!

Owner Ruby Kandasamy said: "I have investigated and can confirm it a misunderstanding.

"Under white ppl, we don't mean white people, but a white sauce made from milk, single cream, coconut milk and spices we add to our dishes when a curry is requested mild.

"'Ppl' means 'milk.'

"However, we have decided to change the way we inform the kitchen and will mention 'add white ppl' or 'with white sauce' to avoid any confusion with our customers.

"We want to apologize to the customer for any inconvenience and misunderstanding, we hope the curry was nice and he or she will visit us again."

This explanation is actually far worse than the original offense. They're insulting Stuart Lynn's intelligence here, which is much worse than insulting his taste buds. 


Ellen and Portia played the Newlywed Game with Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone.

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Yesterday on Ellen's show, she and her wife Portia de Rossi played the "Not-So-Newlywed Game" against female Ghostbuster Melissa McCarthy and her husband, Bridesmaids air marshal Ben Falcone. The pairs have been married for seven years and ten years respectively, allowing them to ably demonstrate that knowing someone really well doesn't necessarily mean you can synchronize trivia answers with them. A lot of the contestants met their downfall by choosing cute or funny answers, except for Ellen, who was going for the win. 

http://ellentube.com/videos/0_737408nj

Wow, what a demonstration of love and potential celebrity crush options.

Article 22

At least we got "Donald Trumpkins" out of this whole thing.

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Fall and politics are in the air, which means its time to decorate some gourds with topical humor! When it comes to this year's pumpkin race, there's really only one candidate: Donald Trump. The bloviating billionaire's orange hue, lumpy spheroid head, fluffy hair-ish thing, and name all practically scream "MAKE ME A TRUMPKIN!" And so they did:

https://twitter.com/lesliesokc/status/645348702731792384https://twitter.com/BarnabyEdwards/status/643665460383383552https://twitter.com/thatsoashlin/status/645802923205652480https://instagram.com/p/76lXy8Sxc9/https://instagram.com/p/7rX72nLy1C/https://instagram.com/p/7_TFGHr96r/https://twitter.com/getpopkey/status/647106382160916480

Many of these came from the Oklahoma State Fair, where Trumpkins were a popular theme this year. Some, of course, went in a different direction:

https://twitter.com/lalaedmonds/status/646777179422920708

It's still September, so there's still plenty of time to create 2015's greatest Trumpkin! Send yours to submissions@someecards.com.

Article 20

Righteous party hummingbirds love drinking out of a red Solo cup like tiny beautiful bros.

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Hummingbirds are definitely the most magical animals. If you're a sloth fan, sorry not sorry. They're pretty good, but they don't have half the talents of an ordinary hummer. Check it: these little dudes are the only birds that can hover, they can fly backwards, their feathers change color depending on how you look at them, they can use monocular and binocular vision, they're friends with adorable old Brazilian men… they're just amazing.

But among all their talents, the most underappreciated is their ability to party. These are some hardcore birds. After all, at your drunkest, you never drank your body weight in one day. And like all hard-drinking horny bros, hummers love to drink out of a red Solo cup. It reminds them of the bright tropical flowers they drank daiquiris out of on Spring Break. Don't believe it? Check out this proof positive gif:

http://imgur.com/gallery/Gg0IugQ

Apology accepted. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to a kegger with some fly ruby-throated honeys.

This guy posted a video of a terrifying shark bite wound, but he is still chill with sharks.

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Braxton Rocha is a Hawaiian spear fishermanwho was attacked by a tiger shark on Monday. He bravely fought it off with a whack to the face, but when that shark got home, he was definitely bragging, "You should see the other guy." Dude got messed up! Braxton posted an image of his injury to Instagram that was taken down for being too graphic. As you can see in the post below, some people are even saying it was fake. Warning: if you continue to scroll down through this post, things will get increasingly graphic. If you do not want to see a man's leg bitten through by a shark, stop here!

https://instagram.com/p/77QHCvzhDI/

Okay, all the weaklings are gone. Let's get to it. Do you want to see it? Are you suuuuuuuuuuure? Okay, here's the vid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3-JwdnR6xk

Holy sh*t! Even knowing what was coming and having already watched it, that was horrible. Here's a close-up:

https://instagram.com/p/7-ug9WThH-/?taken-by=_shark_boy_

Braxton was in surgery for 3 hours and had to get over 100 staples to close his wounds, but doctors expect he'll make a full recovery. Meanwhile, he has a GoFundMe page to help cover some of the costs of his medical emergency. A few bucks seems like a reasonable fee for all the nightmares he's given the world with this video, taken under very trying circumstances.

https://instagram.com/p/7-bPRKzhDR/?taken-by=_shark_boy_

 

Article 17


Viola Davis's Instagram got taken over by the most adorable hacker.

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Viola Davis's Instagram has been hacked! By her four-year-old daughter, Genesis! To congratulate her on winning an Emmy! And the video deserves more likes! Genesis used her access to her mom's Insta, which she referred to in the caption as a "hacking," to record a message saying, "I love you, Mommy. And I hope you win another Emmy and you're my favorite girl and I love you." She's extremely cute, and she has a manicure that's cool beyond her years (just saying):

https://instagram.com/p/78jKWiNZ3-/https://instagram.com/p/78jKWiNZ3-/

On Sunday night, Davis became the first black woman to win the lead drama actress Emmy, and her moving speech called out Hollywood's lack of opportunity for women of color. She won the award for her role in How To Get Away With Murder, which returns tonight for a new season of further getting away with a hot new murder. 

Lonely guy eating sushi alone on his birthday gets treated to weird-looking but sweet surprise.

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Redditor EFCFrost didn't have the makings of a great 29th birthday. He had just been transferred to a strange city: Halifax, Nova Scotia. In addition, he had abruptly been given full custody of his 7-year-old autistic son, and had gotten a flat tire and a parking ticket on his first day at his new job. Needless to say, he was stressed af. So to treat himself, he ordered delivery sushi, morosely adding"Happy birthday to me?" along with the fact that he had just moved there in the comments. But if he expected any acknowledgement to his cry for help, he never expected what he saw when his order arrived.

A doodle on the receipt was just the beginning.

When he brought the food inside, he found that the restaurant, called Fujiyama, had prepared a special birthday order containing extra helpings of the seaweed salad and miso soup he had ordered. But that wasn't all. There was also a special birthday gift just for him.

What could it be?

When he opened it up, he was even more shocked.

What could it be?

It was a sushi pizza! What's a sushi pizza? Good question. It's a round patty of fried rice covered with sushi toppings like avocado, raw fish, and roe. It's a staple of traditional Canadian-style Japanese cuisine, apparently. It may be weird, but that doesn't detract from the sweetness of Fujiyama's gesture. And to make it extra-special, they had included a candle on top. Or maybe sushi pizzas always have those – we wouldn't know. (They don't, the restaurant just happened to have a candle.)

The birthday boy was so touched by the gesture that he openly wept over his concoction. His son helped him light the candle, and the two shared a once-in-a-lifetime birthday after all. Meanwhile, EFCFrost posted the whole thing on Reddit, where it went viral. He also included a special message for the restaurant's staff:

Thanks Fujiyama! Your food and birthday surprise was awesome and you've got yourself a new regular customer now.

But perhaps the most meaningful comment was from Fujiyama owner Chris Lin, who told the CBC,

I didn't think that much about it.

Amused police stumped by undocumented immigrant demanding to be deported.

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An undocumented Iranian immigrant who has been living in Manchester, England for over a decade recently turned himself into law enforcement and demanded to be deported. He showed up to a police station "being aggressive and throwing his bike around," and was arrested for "immigration offenses" and a "suspected breach of the peace." The police station tweeted about the ordeal from their official account:

https://twitter.com/GMPCityCentre/status/646035964721262592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/GMPCityCentre/status/646036717489778689

To add insult to injury, his wish won't even be granted; even though he entered England illegally, he was granted "indefinite leave to remain by the government." The police promptly released him from his cell upon learning this. He came back the day after to retrieve his bike. He didn't apologize to anyone for his tantrum, but admitted that he was "feeling better." The police took to Twitter again to joke about it:

https://twitter.com/GMPCityCentre/status/646300126361821185?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

He was later revealed by The Telegraph to be a 25-year-old named Arash Aria. He's fed up with Manchester and the way people treat him there:

It's words, violence, many things. I try to ignore people but I'm fed up now. [...] I try to be friendly and polite. But they just laugh at me because I am foreign and look at me strangely.

He's also had unemployment troubles and is convinced he will thrive if he returns to his home city of Shiraz. People in Manchester (also known as "Mancunians") can't blame him—they also think the city is a drag:

https://twitter.com/FPL_simon432/status/646462135837417472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/tomleavesley/status/646040566078271488?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/shazmike05/status/646201361005158400?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

The Iranian embassy has offered him "consular assistance" if he reaches out to them, so it looks like Arash has a chance of coming home and the Islamic Republic has a chance of milking the hell out of an anti-Western PR movie.

Adam Brody and Leighton Meester's baby shares a name with a great American folk singer.

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Actors Adam Brody and Leighton Meester had a baby, but it's a secret. Their marriage is also a secret. But it seems like everyone knows. Like, I've never even seen them and I know. Even though the TV star couple won't confirm their baby's birth or comment on their widely reported 2014 wedding, TMZ straight up stole the little nugget's birth certificate to bring us the information we can't resist, because we are all part of the problem. The name of the baby, who was born in August, is...Sandy Cohen Gossip Girl Brody-Meester. Just kidding, it's Arlo. Cute, right?

Your secret is not safe with us.

I was referring, of course, to folk legend Arlo Guthrie. But you already knew that.

Daniel Radcliffe sadly parts ways with his luscious hair.

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Daniel Radcliffe has a horrible new haircut. But he had to do it. For a movie. Where he plays a neo-Nazi. Those dudes have no hair, you know?

Radcliffe shared a photo of his new look via, inexplicably, Google Plus. He wrote, "Here's the first look of me as FBI agent Nate Foster in IMPERIUM. We began filming the movie this week. I'm very excited about it and will tell you more about it soon!" Nate Foster was a real-life FBI agent who went undercover with white supremacists trying to build a dirty bomb. Long story short, this movie ain't exactly Harry Potter (or that cute rom-com where Radcliffe dates Zoe Kazan or that funny receptionist prank video or that time he rapped "Alphabet Aerobics" or that cameo in Trainwreck or any other too-brief moments we glimpsed his voluminous, tousled mane. Sigh...).

Someone could use a Growth Charm right about now, am I right?

Actually, the Death Eaters were kinda like neo-Nazis and they did attack public gatherings and oh boy, I'm about to go down a Potter rabbit hole, aren't I?

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