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Just a reminder this holiday season that not all old bearded men living in remote areas care what you do with a man's anus.


May your birthday and Christmas presents not be combined.

Wishing you a happy whatever doesn't offend you.

You always inspire me to try my best once I've stopped crying hysterically.

This is my favorite time of year to be childless.

Sending paperless Christmas cards is a great way to feel better about the murdered tree in your living room.

If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

I don't particularly care if you've been naughty or nice.


Just wanted to help spread hope, peace, joy, and other marketing buzzwords.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas at an Asian restaurant.

I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.

The holiday present you got me was absolutely perfect for someone who isn't me.

Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

Remember it's the thought that counts as you finish reading this free ecard.

'Tis the season to drink too much with the coworkers, family, and friends who are the reason you drink too much.


I don't exist.

I am indebted to you and several credit card companies.

I like to drink enough on Christmas morning that I get to enjoy the revelation of my presents again once I regain consciousness.

Not having to work on Christmas is the new Christmas bonus.

I'd have gotten you a more impressive gift if you weren't already sleeping with me.

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