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Heroic cops rescued a baby from a locked car, except it was not a baby.

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British police thought they saw a baby in a locked car, and heroically smashed the windows to save it from suffocation. They thought they might be too late, because the baby was unresponsive. It was unresponsive because it was one of those creepy-ass dolls that looks like a real baby.

The car was in a hospital parking lot, and someone alerted police when they saw it alone in the seat. The doll belongs to 10-year-old Janaih Rattray, who left it in her older sister Delesia's car while visiting their mother in the hospital.

https://twitter.com/WMPolice/status/649258719902081024

They returned to their car to find the windows broken with a note from the police. The police will pay for the broken window, and the chief released a statement pointing out that it is of course better to break windows first and ask questions later when babies might be involved:

Two of my officers did the right thing when faced with what they genuinely believed was a baby, alone and critically ill in a locked car on the hospital's [parking lot].

As for Delesia, she is grateful that the damages will be compensated, and completely understands why it was necessary to take action. She does however note that one should be able to discern that the doll is not real:

The doll does look a bit real, like a baby a few months old, but if you look at the hands, which weren't inside the blanket, and feet you can tell it isn't.

The hands! Of course, you always have to look at the hands. Check hands first, then break windows, then ask questions later. Got it. 


Friendship

Miley Cyrus debates whether or not to wear clothes on 'SNL' with Taran Killam.

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To wear clothes or not to wear clothes? That is the question. Miley Cyrus doing double duty as host and musical guest for the SNL Season 41 premiere this Saturday. While a lot of the fun of SNL is seeing celebrity hosts play against type and wear silly outfits, that's already Miley's thing. When it comes to nudity, she can't stop, won't stop. Get ready for sketches about weed, her Instagram game, and maybe a celebrity impression or two. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K06EnAPOO9U

 

Emily Blunt responds to Howard Stern pestering her about Michael Bublé cheating rumors.

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Actress Emily Blunt went on The Howard Stern Show yesterday to feel really uncomfortable. Stern asked her "questions," which consisted of him blurting out things he had heard about her personal life and then waiting for her to react. "I didn't realize you were in a deep, heavy relationship with Michael Bublé," he asked. (Blunt dated the musician deeply and heavily from 2005-2008.) His journalistic investigation took the form of such bombshells as, "You were madly in love with Michael Bublé," "You were perfect together," and "But that was heartbreak. Because he was not faithful." Finally, we get to hear Emily Blunt answer the question we've all been wondering — did she enjoy being cheated on by an international superstar?

Regarding the cheating allegations, Blunt said, "I don't know, it's complicated. I'm going red!" You can listen to the whole awkward exchange in the track above (full episode here), and then relieve your discomfort by remembering that Blunt is now in a cute marriage with John Kransinski, who doesn't even have any annoying songs that could get stuck in your head.

https://instagram.com/p/zG8B1jprzS/

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Article 30

This woman trying to reason with an Alaskan bear eating her kayak is getting what she deserves.

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Obviously, if this woman had come to any lasting harm, this video would be a tragedy. But she didn't. So it's a hilarious video of a bear getting mad, then getting even. Does the bear know how important that kayak is to our videographer? It sure seems like it! Don't piss off a bear, they're smart as hell.

While this lady's increasing hysteria is understandable, since she could have potentially been stranded, begging a bear to stop eating your kayak may be the funniest thing ever captured on film. The visuals aren't fantastic, but the soundtrack is A++++. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU5cMZymSr0&feature=youtu.be

She writes of the incident:

During a solo kayak trip, intended to go from from Ketchikan, Alaska to Petersburg, Alask, a bear attacked my kayak. This incident occurred outside of a US Forest Service cabin in Berg Bay, Wrangell District, Alaska. I had just carried my tent, food, and all my gear into the cabin to dry while I went on a 4 mile hike that begins just behind the cabin. I heard something outside as I ate my lunch, and well, I never got to go on that hike. This video is taken 5 minutes after the attack began, he continued to gnaw on it for another 5 or 10 after the video ends. Shortly after the bear left and I drug the kayak back to the cabin door step. Then I swam to the S/V anchored in the bay. They did not have their radio on and I feared I would be stranded! The German flagged S/v Caledonia took me and my things to Wrangell where I am trying to repair my kayak now.

THANK GOD she is okay and was able to post this video to YouTube. We're glad you're safe, girl, even after pepper spraying a bear into this bizarre act of petty spite.

This Instagram account of texts from drug dealers will make you lose respect for drug dealers.

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A hot new Instagram account called @shotta_texts_ldn is compiling texts received by the citizens of London from their trusty neighborhood drug dealers. As many of you know (don't pretend you don't), drug dealers can be pretty pushy once they've got your number, and they're surprisingly indiscreet when it comes to creating a permanent digital transcript of your illegal business relationship. When you read through examples written in charming English slang, it creates a nearly endless supply of online entertainment. Just check out some of these gems:

https://instagram.com/p/z78xSwlXka/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/0SU9dWFXoo/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/3TiA1iFXu5/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/2-k6TaFXpO/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/5_-dQDFXit/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/1z9i-sFXmu/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/1TKZGWFXgD/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/4b9rwLlXmQ/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/8QB4KulXqA/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/z7ysilFXtE/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/4efC7TlXtU/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/5mUHumlXsc/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/4TzXFEFXnq/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/4EfHPxFXgT/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/8SrnVVFXlA/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldnhttps://instagram.com/p/4Od-CelXiP/?taken-by=shotta_texts_ldn

The future of British industry is in good hands. Carry on, chaps!

Human innovation has reached its pinnacle with this new piece of pizza technology.

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There's now a portable pizza pouch in case you gotta eat a slice of 'za the run. It was made by Stupidiotic, a novelty store whose products include underpants for your hands, a bag of candy dicks, and luggage with a scooter on it.

It uses a triangular pizza-shaped design.
With lanyard technology.
A true breakthrough in pizza technology.

Here's the product description:

No one should ever be without pizza. Sadly, (often tragically) pizza is not always available for immediate hand-to-mouth consumption. Prepare yourself. Keep and carry a backup slice with this specially designed Pizza Pouch. A durable zip-lock sealing neck-strap pie slice device. Always fresh and ready. BONUS: Just wearing this Pizza Pouch will instantly make you more popular and attractive. It’s a bold (and delicious) fashion statement. Portable pizza. The best invention since delivery. 

It looks like they're pretty popular, since they had to add this little addendum to the page:

Due to the sudden (understandable) popularity and limited stock on hand, these may not ship until October 18. Be patient. Be strong. They will come. 

 Get 'em while they're hot!


People are freaking about Chris Pratt's voluminous new beard.

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Chris Pratt is an actor known for his roles in Parks and Rec and Guardians of the Galaxy as well as his hotness transformations over time. A few years ago, while already famous, Pratt further beef-caked up (medical term) to join the Marvel universe, causing people to think, oh my god, an attractive person looks different now! And Pratt has done it again. This time, with facial hair. 

This is the Chris Pratt you remember:

Old face.

And this is the new bushy-bearded man you can't wait to get to know:

The beard is for his role in Passengers, the space romance starring him and Jennifer Lawrence that we so desperately need. And Entertainment Tonight alleges the beard is fake! Well, so are movies, but they're still exciting and cool.

Chris Christie promised not to deport Trevor Noah in awkward 'Daily Show' interview.

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Presidential hopeful (still!) Chris Christie appeared on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah last night. Noah went straight to Christie's immigration "tracking" plan. Christie, a participant in the GOP candidates' quest to out-crazy one another, described an immigration plan akin to Fed Ex tracking packages. ”I felt like you were talking to me personally,” Noah joked, before revealing his plan to get a "barcode of love" as a tramp stamp. At which point, Christie clarified his plan, which involves fingerprinting and following people and doesn't sound at all dystopian.

 

 

Article 24

A bunch of self-described bacon-lovers met some really cute baby bacons.

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Loving bacon is so important to our culture that people treat it like a character trait on par with their sexual orientation or religion. They make love to bacon. They worship bacon. They. Are. Bacon. Lovers!!!! Just look at all the freaky products for hog munchers out on the market. You can eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner, then lube up with it for some extra flavor in the sack. So what would it take to turn someone off bacon? Meeting an itty-bitty breakfast baby:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyrvMuNPJ-Y&feature=youtu.be

Hey, guys, did you know that scientists have discovered a vegetable that tastes exactly like fried piglet? That's only in case you can't forget how you felt in this moment:

"Oh no."

 

Woman who heard "scratching" noises in ear feared "evil spirits," but it was much worse.

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Well, it's October. Time for creepy news! First up is Li Meng, a 25-year-old Chinese woman from Fujian province who went hiking with her boyfriend. She came back with pains and a mysterious "scratching" sound in her ear that kept her up at night. Painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs failed to ease this noisy pain. After remembering that she had eaten some fruit growing over an ancient burial area (perhaps climbing a tree to do so, depending on the source) on the hike, the somewhat superstitious woman feared she might be host to an "evil spirit." As she told the Central European News agency, "I even went to a temple to pray but it didn’t help.”

https://twitter.com/fox32news/status/649379574661279744?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Finally, Li went to the Xiamen City Hospital, where ear, nose, and throat specialist  Dr. Chen Zhaoyou discovered that an angry spirit had indeed taken up residence in her ear: a spider. The spider was sitting patiently on her eardrum (hence the scratching noises). It had built a little web inside her ear canal, waiting for some other insect to walk inside Li Meng's ear. But wait, it gets worse!

Initial attempts to remove the arachnid failed, causing the little bugger to freak out and do a painful tap dance in Li Meng's ear. It was only after a sedative syrup was administered into Li's ear canal that the spider calmed down enough to get dragged out with tweezers.* So, the next time you're afraid there's a bug in your ear, just remember: get it drunk first, and it'll probably leave a lot more calmly.

Reminders

This leopard got his head stuck in a steel pot and is now a viral cat video star.

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A thirsty Indian leopard in the northern Indian state of Rajasthan was apparently just trying to get a drink of water when he got his head stuck in a pot. As we all know, cats love to jam their heads into impossibly small openings. Sometimes, curiosity kills the cat. Other times, curiosity leaves the cat wandering around helplessly with a pot on his head, just like in the cartoons. If anyone ever disputes the scarcity of fresh water and its impact on India, just have them watch this video. No need for fancy geopolitical statistics and graphs depicting changes in weather and climate! Just a good old video of a leopard with his head stuck in a pot, because drought.

After five hours of villagers getting the closest they'll ever (safely) be to a wild leopard, it was tranquilized by wildlife officials, who successfully sawed the pot from his head. They then released him back into the wild, where he woke up feeling groggy (and still probably thirsty) with no memory of the past several hours. Officials made no statement as to whether they drew a penis on its head.


'Better Book Titles' is the best thing on Tumblr, if you know how to read.

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If you're one of those dinosaurs from another era who stills enjoys reading books, Better Book Titles is the snarky blog for you. Started in 2010, the site re-imagines the covers of famous books with brutally honest titles that tell you everything you need to know about them, good or bad. It's the perfect resource for any superficial, pretentious person who loves judging books by their covers!





Better Book Titles is popular enough that it was adapted into a book in 2012 called How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life. Although it's now out of print, the Kindle version is still available. Check it out before they take that away too!


The site has also recently been updated with a search feature, allowing you to find all the entries for your favorite books and authors. It's so engrossing, you'll never read another book! Welcome to the 21st Century.

Article 18

Dog works the jump rope like a pro so his tiny humans can have fun.

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Someone filmed a dog helping some kids jump rope, and it's pretty adorable in a Little Rascals kind of way. According to the video description, it was filmed in the Kelson community of Rio de Janeiro. The dog appears to be playing tug-of-war while a kid spins the rope on the other end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=4&v=Xe-nLHfUdk4

Now all they need is another pup for some double dutch action. 

"100 Years of Bridal Gown Style" will make you want a wedding dress even if you hate marriage.

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I have never been that girl who has her wedding all planned out. I haven't even thought much about what planning my own wedding would entail other than "Oh my god, I can't imagine ever having enough money to pay for a wedding." But goddamn it if this new "100 years of..." video from Mode doesn't make me want a wedding dress. Specifically, a 1920s wedding dress. It's not weird if I just start wearing a 1920s wedding gown to work, right? What's that? You're saying that nobody would even notice if I wore a 1920s wedding gown to work because I work from home? OK. Cool. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKegRnTimFs

 

Article 15

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