Raven-Symoné and the ladies of The View are at it again. ("It" is making off-the-cuff comments that offend a crazy amount of people and require extensive backtracking. It's kind of a sub-genre at this point.) On last Thursday's The View, Symoné said that she wouldn't hire someone who had a "ghetto" name, similar to the ones in a featured viral video.

To Symoné's apparent surprise, people didn't think this type of discrimination was a funny or chill idea. One of those people was her dad, who wrote an open letter on Facebook, as any good parent would do. It said, in part:

Children grow up and become influenced by many things, situations and people. I certainly don't agree with what she said....but she is damn near thirty years old. She's a grown ass woman making grown ass mistakes. We all have been guilty of this.

He concluded by noting:

Raven is a really Beautiful, Sweethearted, Human Being.I should know. Her Mother and I Love her Very much and will always support her and have her back. Even if sometimes..........she says some dumb S#%T!

Wow. Truly touching.

Now Symoné has apologized (kinda, sorta, if you squint really hard while reading her words). She wrote on Facebook:

See? It's all a misunderstanding. She would never do the thing she emphatically said she would do, and by the way her account was hacked. And nurses are the best!

Vin Diesel is speaking out against body-shaming and in support of himself having a sexy bod. He is bravely sending the message that it's wrong to criticize people's bodies but also his body is amazing so why would anyone say anything bad about it?

In response to journalists asking about his rumored "dad bod," Diesel shared the following Instagram photos:

He wrote in the captions:

It is amazing the response from the journalists who I have been talking to for the last two days in New York. Today one wanted to see the dad bod. Haha. 
I am wondering if I should show the picture... Body-shaming is always wrong!
What do you think? 
#LastWitchHunter

The pic from yesterday... For those who wanted the show... For all the angels that love dad bod regardless... I will post an exclusive video on my Facebook when I am done with press today. 
#LastWitchHunter 
#HappyCreative

Wow. Next time you find yourself making negative judgments about a person's body, you should really remember that Vin Diesel is hot.

Hey, are you tired today? A little rough getting up this morning? Drink too much this weekend?  Well, pull yourself together, damn it! The Rolling Stones are partying way harder than you every second of every day (and they have been for the last 53 years.)

Hide your daughters, moms, grandmas and great grandmas, these bad boys (Can we still call them boys?) just wrapped up another world tour, and according to their rider, they rock it just as hard offstage as they do on. 

Forget green drinks, the fountain of youth may be at the bottom of a bottle. The band's hotel rider demands that wherever the band stays, illegal or not -- the booze needs to flow like Eminem in 2002.

Some other badass requests for Mick, Keith, and the other ones: 

-Blacked out windows (so no one can see how freakin' hard they are partying)

-Extra butlers, for MASSIVE room service orders (Prune juice martinis for everyone!)

-After hours dry cleaning, for when things get dirty (How do I get prune juice martinis out of these leather pants?)

-Tons of Marlboro cigs (We're pretty sure there is no way to kill these guys.)

However, there's one thing on the rider that blows up their spot -- they need written instructions on how to use ALL electronics. Just goes to show, you can party hard and live forever, but at some point you'll be screaming, "Geez Louise! How do I work this dang clicker?"

(Update 5:40 PM: Calvin has responded.) Taylor Swift is lucky in Instagram fans and controversial videos, but she is absolutely, positively not lucky in love. That's part of her allure, really. No matter how pretty and famous and popular Taylor is, her songs are mostly about break-ups! That's why we relate to a billionaire with $3,000 cats. It seemed like things might be changing, but nope: Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift are no more, and the reason why is not what our pop princess deserves. Below is the photo of her multi-millionaire boyfriend surreptitiously exiting a $40 dollar "Thai massage" place:

There are, of course, many reasons why a man might go to a very cheap massage place that, according to Radar Online, is known for happy endings. Maybe he was going there before he was even famous. Maybe he was in the neighborhood. Maybe he was actually only getting a massage. But sources say T. Swift ain't buying it:

"When the photos got posted on RadarOnline, Taylor said to him, ‘What the f**k?!'" the insider said. But rather than come clean about what really happened, the insider claimed, “He lied to her. He gave some bullish*t excuse that his masseuse was sick and he needed his shoulder worked on." That wasn’t good enough for Swift, 25, who gave him the boot for good “about a week ago,” according to the source.

In Calvin Harris' defense, he has so much money he could pay ten people to give him a hand job at once on a bed scattered with diamonds. He does not need to go to some cheap-ass massage parlor, so maybe his masseuse really was sick. And to be fair to In Thai Massage parlor, their reviews suggest that many people try to get happy endings there, and none have admitted success. They are the first result when you search "happy ending" in Hollywood, though, so that may be where the confusion is coming from. Taylor is just very, very confused. We look forward to her next album, "Unhappy Endings."

While mass shootings on college campuses continue to end innocent young lives, Texas governor Greg Abbott has signed the Campus Carry law, which allows students to carry concealed weapons on campus. Cool.

The law officially goes into effect August 1st, 2016, the first day of next fall's semester. Students at the University of Texas at Austin are protesting the dangerous law in a creative and sexy way — using dildos (which are safer, but just as phallic as guns).

According to the Facebook event, which went viral just yesterday, "we are strapping gigantic swinging dildos to our backpacks in protest of campus carry."

"You're carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I'm carrying a HUGE DILDO." 

Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play.

#CocksNotGlocks

The Facebook event references obscenity as it is defined in the university's ~*Penal Code*~ (hehe), which proclaims, "No person or organization will distribute or display on the campus any writing or visual image, or engage in any public performance, that is obscene." As Jessica Jin, the protest's organizer, points out:

The State of Texas has decided that it is not at all obnoxious to allow deadly concealed weapons in classrooms, however it DOES have strict rules about free sexual expression, to protect your innocence. You would receive a citation for taking a DILDO to class before you would get in trouble for taking a gun to class. Heaven forbid the penis.

She tracks the evolution of the idea on Twitter:

This is a powerful, funny way to expose America's skewed values when it comes to glorifying violence and punishing sex. At risk of sounding like your dad, it's like how Lenny Bruce pointed out back in the 60s how ridiculous it is that we let our movies be ridiculously violent, showing severed limbs flying, but cry when we see a nipple: "Killing yes, shtupping no!" 

The movement is gaining traction, and support from big wigs like sex guru Dan Savage.

But with a powerful social movement also come the trolls and death threats:

Greetings from 2015! It is once again Columbus Day, despite the fact that the holiday is enforced almost nowhere in America and becomes less popular every year outside of Italian-American communities and communities of people who just fiercely defend any day off. Let's take a trip down memory lane all the way to last year, when John Oliver had one of his first big web hits asking a very tough question about Columbus Day: "How is that still a thing?"

In 1492, Columbus raped, enslaved, and murdered, too.

(10/13/14): Sorry for posting two Last Week Tonight with John Oliver clips in a single day. The show was off this week, so they released two videos just for the web instead. I had already typed up John Oliver's rant against pumpkin spice when this video got posted, but y'know what? Columbus Day isn't going to happen again for a while, so I'm just going to go ahead and keep promoting this show on our website because someone needs to ask why the hell we're still celebrating a holiday that A.) venerates someone with, at best, a murky (with blood) legacy and b) I've literally never gotten the day off for in my entire working life. 

At least I managed to avoid a headline about how John Oliver brutally mangled and then incinerated Christopher Columbus, right?

(by Johnny McNulty)

Comic Con blew through New York last weekend, and people pulled out all the stops to create the most committed cosplay costumes possible—the kind that say, "This is the best thing going on in my life right now." Even celebrities! But the dude who created this 9 and a half foot tall Iron Man Hulkbuster costume/machine is truly the King of Nerds. That is definitely a compliment, if you weren't sure.

Okay, obviously that's not a real Iron Man suit that can fly and blow things up, but you would not want to fight this man. Just watch him get into it and you'll realize he has more dexterity than a cat! Though not everyone who has watched this is impressed. There seems to be a strong horny man contingent who thinks they should have focused on someone else:

Hmm, wonder why?

Regardless of your political views, you have to agree that Obama is a great Comedian-in-Chief. Whether he's making bear puns on Instagram, roasting Republicans at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, or responding to hecklers like only a comic can, he knows how to work a crowd. At a recent fundraiser, Obama riffed on Kanye's 2020 presidential run with some jokes on the Kardashians, "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy," and the unlikelihood of America electing a black man from the South Side of Chicago with a hard-to-pronounce name.

It's not every day we feel sorry for teenagers, but the poor bastards in Scotland who took the recent higher Maths paper had questions so difficult the passing grade was lowered to just 34%.

How about you? Are you smart enough to solve the following question about an alligator and its prey? Or did you stop reading as soon as you found out this article was about Math and not Taylor Swift's sex life?

Dying to know if you're a genius or a complete dumb dumb like these students? Get the answer from watching this DLBmaths step by step video. Even if you don't give a rip about Math, the professor's voice will seduce you into learning, or at the very least make you want to re-watch Shrek.

And if you really want to nerd out, take a look at the full paper here.

St. Vincent aka Annie Clark aka possible fiancé of Cara Delevingne aka notable cool person was spotted waiting tables. But don't go into an empathy panic spiral—she hasn't swiftly plummeted from her perch of coolness. She was just helping her family, which sometimes is the coolest thing of all. Clark was spotted serving customers at Resident Taqueria in Dallas, Texas over the weekend. The new restaurant is co-owned by Clark's sister, so she helped out on opening weekend by taking down taco orders (and let's be real, getting social media attention).

Congratulations to everyone who got to gobble up tacos in the presence of a legit rockstar. That must have been exciting or terrifying.

The men and women campaigning to be President of the United States of America face a tough choice: do you elevate the tenor of our national debate with the most precise and aspirational language possible, or do you shoot one-syllable word bullets straight from the hip at Americans who aren't part of the "grammar elite"? Both roads lead to the White House, and the fancy road isn't necessarily the high one. The folks over at Mashoid went over the many, many remarks by the 2016 candidates, and added George W. Bush and Barack Obama for good measure—after all, whatever they did worked.

Mashoid's first chart measures language based on two measures: word length (number of letters), and word complexity (number of syllables). The first thing you may notice is that our perception of candidates' intelligence doesn't always match up with their speaking style. George W. Bush, for example, used longer and more complex words than Barack Obama. Maybe they both independently altered their styles to combat their perceptions. Perhaps Bush, seen as overly folksy, increased the length of his words, whereas college professor Obama often strives to speak casually, especially to younger crowds. Also, Joe Biden wins. Yes. That Joe Biden. The Joe Biden you're thinking of. The same Joe Biden.

The next thing you may notice is that even though the chart gets more Republican as you slide down the ladder, Donald Trump is significantly less complex even than his peers at the bottom of the pack. This is also true on the chart measuring the grade level of candidate's speeches. With such campaign gems as "I'm going to build a wall, and it's gonna be really, really, really great. Believe me, you'll love it," it's clear this isn't a glitch in the study. Did I make that quote up? How would you even know? It's also true of his supporters—another study found Trumpkins used significantly worse grammar than supporters of any other candidate. 

Note that besides Scott Walker, Donald Trump ranks last again with the least education despite his claims of being hugely smarter than actual politicians. Trump also uses the word "China" about nine times as often as anyone else.

Finally, the candidates were ranked on their propensity to use certain buzzwords. Of all the rankings, this seems the most blatantly partisan, since many of the words are party-specific (like climate change, which obviously only affects Democrats). All the graphs in this article are selections from Mashoid's full report. Or, you can check out "Here are all the presidential candidates ranked by their supporters' grammar. Guess who's last?"

It seems like everything is happening for MMA champion Ronda Rousey lately. She's become so popular, she even feels comfortable calling out Justin Bieber. Beyoncé name checks her. It's easy to forget that the reason she's famous is for participating in grueling and dangerous mixed martial arts fights, and for winning the hell out of them. So, it makes total sense that she reached out this weekend to Steve Watts, an MMA fighter who became paralyzed from the neck down while in the ring. Rousey admits she can't understand what he's going through, but she wants him to know he has her support:

If you're interested in helping Steve with his recovery, there is a campaign for him. It's hard to know what kind of person someone is from watching a minute of them talking into a cell phone camera, but he certainly seems to be striving to improve every day. I guess work and resilience are part of the fighter's lifestyle.

It's Monday. You're numb. You need a reminder on what it is like to have the capacity for emotion, and the value of family and love. Luckily, there's a viral video of a woman being surprised with a granddaughter that will help you like life again. 

Laura Dell and her husband Josh never anticipated that the adoption process would go so quickly that they could surprise people with a tiny human. The couple go approved by an adoption agency and had their baby girl in their arms just three weeks later. They decided to surprise the baby's new grandma, Laura's mom Sharon Bloomingdale, by stopping by her office the day they received their baby.

"After the video ended, she walked around the office with Ellie and told everyone, 'When I came to work this morning, I wasn't a grandma and now I am,'" Laura said. 

"It'll be great for Ellie to see the video when she grows up and know that grandma loved her even before she got to know her," Sharon adds.

Aaaaaaaaaaaw! You may now return to your mundane Monday. 

His name is Chris Pratt. He is ubiquitous. Pratt was a regular for seven seasons on NBC's Parks and Recreation, as well as the star of two big-ass action franchises, Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic World.He is an astonishingly handsome and charming dude, and is very, very famous.

Frolicking about New York City on Billy on the Street, Chris and Billy managed to run into the only people in the world who have not yet been enchanted by Pratt or any of his properties. This isn't some niche figure like Chris Evans, "Liam," Josh Duhamel, or whoever else these clueless New Yorkers think he is. It's Chris Pratt! Watch the clip to celebrate his cuteness, and to yell at these people for wasting their opportunity to meet Chris Pratt.

The Broad City ladies Abbi Jaconson and Ilana Glazer have been offering up little vignettes in the Hack Into Broad City webisodes until the show comes back to Comedy Central. In the video below, they each celebrate Columbus Day differently. Abbi keeps it simple by getting high, and Ilana actually goes to work in protest. It's true, you never feel like you're sticking it to the man quite like when you're making a bunch of photocopies on your boss's dime.

Would you give Christopher Columbus head just so you could bite his d*ck? Remember: he probably has syphilis.

Russian animal videos are always the best. They are not afraid to engage with vicious creatures and are willing to dangerously taunt them for our amusement. Guess you get a little numb to scratches in such a cold place. In this instance, a young lady plays her flute. Badly. A cat grows increasingly angry. Understandably. The situation escalates.

Whoever this girl is, she clearly has an antagonistic love/hate relationship going with this cat, which is exhibited in her only other published video about putting the animal in a "trance." These two play rough together.

5. Serena Williams, because Drake was seen with another woman.

For one of the most accomplished women and top athletes in the world, Serena Williams hasn't had all the victories she was due this year. First she didn't win a Grand Slam after she was knocked out in the U.S. Open finals by some lady. And now, the man she's denied dating is dating someone else.

Canadian rapster Drake, who made headlines by rooting for Serena at the Open in a sensual way, was seen canoodling with another beautiful, powerfully-built woman at a nightclub called The Nice Guy in West Hollywood. That woman is Instagram model Ravie Loso.

Drake definitely has a type. Of course, both he and Serena denied there was anything between them even after they were caught making out in a restaurant, so maybe this isn't such a big deal. Or maybe Drake and Ravie will be found with tennis rackets smashed over their heads. We'll keep you posted.

4. Charlie Sheen, because he was thrown out of a bar in a headlock.

Did you really think that when Charlie Sheen showed up in the news again, it would be for anything good? If you did, take off those rose-tinted glasses. It's time to splash your face with some cold reality.

Everyone's favorite trainwreck was hanging out in a bar in Orange Country, CA on Saturday night when things got hectic. He was just drinking in his sleeveless whiskey t-shirt and cargo shorts, taking good-natured pictures with fans, when a woman started taking a video of him on her phone. Obviously, she stepped over the line. Sheen slapped the phone out of the woman's hand, breaking it. Then the bouncer grabbed the 50-year-old actor, put him in a wrestling-style headlock, and removed him from the premises. TMZ got the video:

As you can see, Charlie took the whole thing in stride. He volunteered to shake the bouncer's hand, and apologized before his driver took him home. Because if there's one skill Charlie Sheen has mastered over the past few years, it's how to make a scene and then exit gracefully.

3. An armed robber who tried to use Uber for his getaway car.

23-year-old Dashawn Terrell Cochran held up a store outside Baltimore last Wednesday and made off with a fat wad of cash. Evidently, it was enough for him to spring for that greatest luxury of urban living: an Uber. Cochran was seen getting into the back of a silver Lexus shortly after the robbery. When cops pulled the vehicle over, the driver identified himself as an Uber driver. Evidently, he had no idea he was an accomplice to a crime—a first for any Uber employee.

Police arrested Cochran and charged him with armed robbery, first-degree assault, second-degree assault, and theft of less than $1,000. The driver and a second passenger were let off after police determined they weren't involved with the robbery. Which raises an interesting question: there was another passenger?! This guy robbed a store and then went with the carpool option? He deserves whatever's coming to him.

2. Randy Quaid, because he was arrested trying to cross the border from Canada.

If you haven't been following the Randy Quaid saga, here's a refresher: he started acting as crazy as you'd expect him to from his movies. And his wife isn't helping one bit either.

Back in 2010, Randy and Evi Quaid were charged with felony vandalism in California after they were found squatting in a guest house that they had previously owned. Skipping out on several court dates, they fled to Canada, where they have remained fugitives from U.S. justice ever since. In the meantime, the cold weather and incessant friendliness of Canada have only worn down their tenuous grip on sanity, leading to increasingly weird reports of Quaid behaviors filtering across the border. This pattern culminated this past March when a sex tape leaked to the Internet of Randy having sex with Evi from behind while she wore a mask of Rupert Murdoch's face. It's an obscure genre of pornography, except in Australia.

Now, however, their extremely mild crime spree may be at an end. The Quaids were arrested over the weekend trying to cross the border from Quebec into Vermont. Unfortunately, they were recognized immediately because he's Randy F**king Quaid. They are currently being held on $500,000 bond each. That's a lot of Vacation DVDs.

1. A drunk driver who claimed that his dog was driving.

A Florida man who led police on a high-speed chase while drunk decided to achieve a Bad Decision Trifecta by using the same tactic as somebody who just farted: blame it on the dog.

26-year-old Reliford Cooper III was speeding when police tried to pull him over last Wednesday. Instead of complying, he blew through a stop sign, drove through two ditches, and finally crashed into an occupied home. Fleeing the vehicle on foot, he tried to hide in the bathroom of a Pentecostal church, but was chased out by the parishioners and arrested. All in all, not a great day.

At first, Cooper taunted the cops, telling them they were "slow as f**k," but then he changed his tune and denied he had been driving the car at all. He explained,

My dog was driving that car, I ran cause I wanted to. You ain’t gonna find no drugs or guns on me.

Considering that he smelled of booze and marijuana and that he's an ex-con with multiple assault and burglary raps, that probably won't be much help. He's currently locked up on $21,120 bond. His story is a valuable lesson to anybody who enjoys a drink now and then: always get a designated driver, but make sure they're a human. Otherwise, just get an Uber. Unless you're robbing a store. You know what? Just play it by ear.