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Sorry you thought earmuffs were acceptable in our circle.


You're like family to me in that I find myself drinking even more than usual when you're around.

Feel free to not give me a layer-by-layer description of every item of winter clothing you're wearing.

I'd pause my porn for you.

You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

I can't return to the gym until I lose some weight.

Here's to shivering under blankets on the sofa burning as many calories as going to the gym.

Happy birthday to someone I hope realizes they're too old to go snowboarding.


For your January birthday I promise to regift a Christmas present I didn't totally hate.

I've had more intimacy with my lip balm this winter than with my significant other.

Thanks for extending the hassle of gift buying by having a birthday in January.

Sorry to hear your body is as sick as your mind.

I think I’m finally ready to commit to an open relationship.

My favorite winter sport is walking to the nearest warm bar.

I'm glad the cold weather has made you want to stay in and watch TV as much as I do even when it's nice out.


I'll love you til your cup size is bigger than mine.

I wish my kids would leave me alone while I repeatedly refresh Facebook to see who liked my post about my kids.

Just a reminder to be careful about using email for sensitive issues like creating a man-made traffic disaster in New Jersey.

I wish Chris Christie would create dangerous conditions on my commute so I'd have a valid excuse to be late for work.

You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single.

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