Here's to Chris Christie for trying his best to keep New Jerseyans away from the rest of the country.
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I'm never quite as proud of myself as I am when my poops are large enough to clog a toilet.
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I'm shocked at how much planning it took to cause traffic in New Jersey.
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Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.
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I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.
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Happy birthday to someone who's still young enough to have a mother I'd like to sleep with.
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Not even Chris Christie could stop me from getting full access to all your passageways.
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Thanks for helping me through my winter depression by being far more depressed by comparison.
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Let's spend your winter birthday getting completely wasted on cold and flu medications.
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In this weather I'd settle for a mittenjob.
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I'm staying inside this weekend just in case Chris Christie is mad at someone from my town.
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I would have shared your Facebook post but I can't have people thinking I'm the idiot who can't spell or use proper grammar.
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I love you so much, I don't care if you can hear me take a poop.
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If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.
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I'll start exercising on a regular basis when my body is so out of shape it is impossible for me to exercise on a regular basis.
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I wish an orchestra would start playing music to let coworkers know they've been talking too long on Monday mornings.
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I love you with whatever remaining love I haven't directed towards Jennifer Lawrence.
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Let's stop investigating Chris Christie before we discover he's been sending out nude photos of himself.
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I'm glad my commute isn't as excruciating as the one to the Golden Globes stage.
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The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
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