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Here's to Chris Christie for trying his best to keep New Jerseyans away from the rest of the country.


I'm never quite as proud of myself as I am when my poops are large enough to clog a toilet.

I'm shocked at how much planning it took to cause traffic in New Jersey.

Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.

I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

Happy birthday to someone who's still young enough to have a mother I'd like to sleep with.

Not even Chris Christie could stop me from getting full access to all your passageways.

Thanks for helping me through my winter depression by being far more depressed by comparison.


Let's spend your winter birthday getting completely wasted on cold and flu medications.

In this weather I'd settle for a mittenjob.

I'm staying inside this weekend just in case Chris Christie is mad at someone from my town.

I would have shared your Facebook post but I can't have people thinking I'm the idiot who can't spell or use proper grammar.

I love you so much, I don't care if you can hear me take a poop.

If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

I'll start exercising on a regular basis when my body is so out of shape it is impossible for me to exercise on a regular basis.


I wish an orchestra would start playing music to let coworkers know they've been talking too long on Monday mornings.

I love you with whatever remaining love I haven't directed towards Jennifer Lawrence.

Let's stop investigating Chris Christie before we discover he's been sending out nude photos of himself.

I'm glad my commute isn't as excruciating as the one to the Golden Globes stage.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

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