My excuses for already breaking my New Year's diet are more complicated than the privacy settings on Facebook.

January 16, 2014, 8:05 am

≫ Next: Tom Hanks is truly an everyman in that he's finally being underappreciated for his hard work.

≪ Previous: I think you've once again mistaken your Facebook status for your therapist.

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Tom Hanks is truly an everyman in that he's finally being underappreciated for his hard work.

January 16, 2014, 9:30 am

≫ Next: You seem remarkably sane for an Internet commenter.

≪ Previous: My excuses for already breaking my New Year's diet are more complicated than the privacy settings on Facebook.

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You seem remarkably sane for an Internet commenter.

January 16, 2014, 10:17 am

≫ Next: Just wanted to check in with you one more time this hour to see if you think I have OCD.

≪ Previous: Tom Hanks is truly an everyman in that he's finally being underappreciated for his hard work.

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Just wanted to check in with you one more time this hour to see if you think I have OCD.

January 16, 2014, 10:53 am

≫ Next: I don't need to go to the movies to see a man fall in love with his phone.

≪ Previous: You seem remarkably sane for an Internet commenter.

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I don't need to go to the movies to see a man fall in love with his phone.

January 16, 2014, 11:20 am

≫ Next: Let’s continue our conversation once your medication kicks in.

≪ Previous: Just wanted to check in with you one more time this hour to see if you think I have OCD.

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Let’s continue our conversation once your medication kicks in.

January 16, 2014, 11:23 am

≫ Next: There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces Chiwetel Ejiofor's name.

≪ Previous: I don't need to go to the movies to see a man fall in love with his phone.

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There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces Chiwetel Ejiofor's name.

January 16, 2014, 12:22 pm

≫ Next: 21 Brutally Oversimplified Movie Plots.

≪ Previous: Let’s continue our conversation once your medication kicks in.

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21 Brutally Oversimplified Movie Plots.

January 16, 2014, 12:38 pm

≫ Next: I would take antidepressants but I'm too worried my unbearably miserable personality will change.

≪ Previous: There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces Chiwetel Ejiofor's name.

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I would take antidepressants but I'm too worried my unbearably miserable personality will change.

January 16, 2014, 12:40 pm

≫ Next: Sorry you mistook my birthday wishes on Facebook as me having any interest whatsoever in your life or in communicating with you ever again.

≪ Previous: 21 Brutally Oversimplified Movie Plots.

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Sorry you mistook my birthday wishes on Facebook as me having any interest whatsoever in your life or in communicating with you ever again.

January 17, 2014, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

≪ Previous: I would take antidepressants but I'm too worried my unbearably miserable personality will change.

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Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

January 17, 2014, 7:45 am

≫ Next: I think our friendship could withstand some drunk sexual experimentation.

≪ Previous: Sorry you mistook my birthday wishes on Facebook as me having any interest whatsoever in your life or in communicating with you ever again.

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I think our friendship could withstand some drunk sexual experimentation.

January 17, 2014, 8:01 am

≫ Next: After reviewing all my other options, we should totally hang out tonight.

≪ Previous: Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

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After reviewing all my other options, we should totally hang out tonight.

January 17, 2014, 9:41 am

≫ Next: Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest I work all week.

≪ Previous: I think our friendship could withstand some drunk sexual experimentation.

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Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest I work all week.

January 17, 2014, 10:17 am

≫ Next: I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

≪ Previous: After reviewing all my other options, we should totally hang out tonight.

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I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

January 17, 2014, 11:11 am

≫ Next: Sorry you thought your work email was important enough for me to bother reading on a Friday afternoon.

≪ Previous: Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest I work all week.

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Sorry you thought your work email was important enough for me to bother reading on a Friday afternoon.

January 17, 2014, 11:50 am

≫ Next: You're invited to help slow my gradual slide towards drinking alone.

≪ Previous: I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

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You're invited to help slow my gradual slide towards drinking alone.

January 17, 2014, 12:12 pm

≫ Next: I'd love to meet you for coffee if I wasn't someone who needed alcohol to socialize.

≪ Previous: Sorry you thought your work email was important enough for me to bother reading on a Friday afternoon.

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I'd love to meet you for coffee if I wasn't someone who needed alcohol to socialize.

January 17, 2014, 12:41 pm

≫ Next: Thanks for letting me use your property to destroy myself with alcohol.

≪ Previous: You're invited to help slow my gradual slide towards drinking alone.

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Thanks for letting me use your property to destroy myself with alcohol.

January 18, 2014, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Sorry the weekend and I couldn't last longer.

≪ Previous: I'd love to meet you for coffee if I wasn't someone who needed alcohol to socialize.

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Sorry the weekend and I couldn't last longer.

January 19, 2014, 5:05 am

≫ Next: I'm practicing non-violence this weekend by sitting on my couch watching our nation's most violent sport.

≪ Previous: Thanks for letting me use your property to destroy myself with alcohol.

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