Here's to the anniversary of you leaving the womb during a time of year when I barely want to leave my apartment.
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I'm sorry only one of us can see my penis when I'm standing.
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My mouth tastes like I made bad decisions last night.
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30th Birthday: Congratulations on being old enough to have a baby on purpose.
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It's nice to see Justin Bieber becoming the train wreck celebrity we all hoped he would be.
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Doppelbiebs
If you don't know already, pop sensation Justin Bieber was arrested early this morning in Miami Beach, Florida and charged with driving under the influence and drag racing in a Lamborghini. This was his mugshot...and 3 other eerily similar photos we had time to find before everyone stops caring about this bullsh*t in 5 minutes.
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Justin Bieber is still nowhere near being the biggest douchebag ever to drive a Lamborghini.
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May Justin Bieber's DUI arrest serve as a warning to his fans who might be tempted to drink and drive once they're old enough to drive.
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I miss you almost as much as I tell you I do.
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I wait until Thursday to ask people about their weekend plans so there's a better chance they're already busy.
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#FirstDraftPickUpLines
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The most exercise I get is briefly sucking in my gut whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror.
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Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
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Sorry that the casual outfit you chose to wear on Friday led to the cancellation of Casual Friday.
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Join me in a brief moment of silence for my dignity before this weekend gets started.
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I keep my PMS unnoticeable by remaining psychotic all the time.
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20 Pathetic Things Every 30-Year-Old Says
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I'm hoping they invent a way to date besides meeting people on or offline.
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Nothing's more offensive than asking if I'm on my period while I'm on my period.
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I'm gonna hump you as if you had health insurance.
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