Winter—the authors of The Old Farmer's Almanac once called it "the dumbest season," or they would have if they weren't afraid of angering winter's few-but-powerful fans. And perhaps nowhere does winter have fewer fans right now than the lakeside city of Buffalo, NY, where wind gusts of over 45 miles an hour have combined with below-freezing temperatures to turn the city into a winter hellscape that makes the ice planet of Hoth look like a Sandals resort.* It's kind of Buffalo's "thing." The most important tip for out-of-towners? Don't park next to Lake Erie:
More snow is expected to hit Buffalo over the next few days, because Buffalo is apparently an underweight nerd, and winter is a middle school bully that just doesn't know when to stop.
*Bad news if you go to Sandals: Hoth—the Tauntaun rides are not part of the all-inclusive package.
Despite some supporters' hopes, he didn't finish by dropping the mic and bodysurfing out on a raving crowd, but President Obama delivered a characteristically strong performance in his final State Of The Union address. The comedy audience on Twitter largely cheered his punchlines, jeered at a grumpy-looking House Speaker Paul Ryan, and joked about Joe Biden's various silly facial expressions. These are 30 of the top reactions from comedians to the 2016 State Of The Union!
Much like Full House and Hillary Clinton, another beloved part of the 90s is making a comeback: The X-Files.Fox is bringing back Mulder and Scully for a 6-part miniseries, and the FBI sent in Jimmy Kimmel to be their new partner and catch them up on the technology of the past 23 years. Mulder and Scully are overwhelmed by the changes, but are relieved to hear that the people still like them. And "even if coming back is a bad idea, like a really, really bad idea that makes everyone hate you," Kimmel says to comfort them, "We'll always have the 90s."
Get ready for the reunion you've been waiting for, and the climactic kiss after decades of sexual tension.
And here is the sensational promo for the episode in which Angela talks about David Bowie's death. As you can see, another contestant on the show thinks that it's a contestant named David who died, not David Bowie. Farcical misunderstandings ensue.
Angela was married to Bowie for 10 years, from 1970 to 1980. According to the Big Brother contestant, she hadn't spoken to her ex-husband for years. “I haven’t seen him in so many years. I can’t make a big drama about it,” she said. “But I feel an era has ended.”
Dutch soccer player and Instagram-famous dude Demy de Zeeuw took a video of what his phone looks like with his push notifications turned on, and it's an insane blur of names and updates. It's a good reminder that, if you have thousands of followers on Instagram and you turn on push notifications on your phone for social media (though really, there's no reason to do that even if you're not famous on the Internet), be prepared: your phone might get a little stressful.
Earlier this week, tabloids reported that actress Olivia Munn had gotten engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. A "source" told OK magazine, “Olivia wasn’t expecting it, but they’re so in love he just couldn’t wait.” Isn't that cute? Too bad it's a load of baloney.
Munn and Rodgers being told they're engaged.
OK's source was wrong. The couple, while still together, are not engaged. But many news outlets were all too happy to believe the rumor, and so was Munn's own family. (Obviously, everyone wants these two physically perfect humans to reproduce.) As a way of publicly setting the record straight, Munn took to Instagram. She shared a screenshot of the adorably awkward text conversation where she explained to her poor mother that she wasn't actually engaged.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BAdBzPNsmfb/
Munn captioned the image:
Answering yes or no to personal questions can be tricky because if you say "No" it means whenever you say "No comment" that kind of becomes your default "Yes". But since I'm doing press for the next few days, I didn't want to have to answer the same question over and over. So instead, I'm going to let my text conversation with my Asian mom help me out. #Colberto
Nicely handled, Ms. Munn. And kudos to your mom on being so chill after having her hopes dashed. She's a keeper.
When he was only 16, Lewis Flint got a rather large tattoo. Five years later, the 21-year-old bartender regrets this tattoo not because it was poorly done—it's actually quite good—but because he thinks it's impeding his chances of having sex. The reason he thinks this is because the tattoo depicts a Henry the Hoover vacuum placed such that the hose is his dick. It's already scared at least one lady off.
Flint's Hoover trail.
The Grimsby, England resident, who is appearing on the UK show Bodyshockersto display his punny tattoo, said a recent encounter has made him eager to rid himself of little Henry.
…I was with a girl recently and I liked her, things were going well until we got naked. When she saw it she said ‘What's that? I am off!’ I was gutted, I never thought I would regret my tattoo when I got it done.
Until he realized that women may not be into a dick vacuum tattoo that also runs around to his butt, Flint loved his Henry.
Childhood memories of Henry the Hoover destroyed.
"When I first got it done aged 16 I couldn't stop getting it out, I got loads of attention and I was a bit of a local hero, I loved it," he said.
If 16 sounds too young for a tattoo, it's because it is. The artist didn't know Flint was two years away from the legal age at the time. Maybe the fact that Flint's two tattoo ideas were this vacuum and a peeled banana should've tipped the tattoo artist off as to Flint's maturity.
Flint has tried laser removal, but it was incredibly uncomfortable considering the locale of the tat. Now he's getting desperate. "I know laser removal is painful but never getting laid again would be more painful." Where on the pain spectrum does everyone knowing about this tattoo and his sex life fall?
Tonight's Powerball jackpot is up to $1.5 billion, and everyone's talking about what they'd do with the money if they won. Some are dreaming of mansions in Tuscany, while others are vowing to end poverty in more or less effective ways. We here at Someecards are, at heart, humanitarians, and we know exactly what we'll do if we win: stop writing about the Kardashians.
The (ticket with a 1 in 292.2 million chance of being the) winning ticket!
Every time we write a story about the Kardashians and their shapely bottoms, their pregnancies, or their New Year's resolutions, we face a crisis of conscience. We know some of you hate reading about them, but for some reason, a lot of you also love reading about them. There's something magical about the word "Kardashian" that makes everybody need to see the post immediately, and we have no choice but to give our readers what they want (even if they claim to be kicking and screaming all the way to our website).
Stupid people we've helped make famous.
But once we win, we'll finally have the freedom to stop reporting on the Kardashians and start reporting on the things that really matter: the Syrian refugee crisis, the devastating impact of climate change, and whatever Kristen Bell is up to.
We're determined to use the money for good and "stop making stupid people famous." What would you do if you won?
Kelly Blue Kinkel ordered a coat online through Zulily, but when it arrived, she could tell through the transparent packaging that the coat material wasn't ideal for someone with dogs. She called up customer service to ask about sending it back. Not only did she get a full refund, she also got a pleasant reminder that people can actually be nice. And even more surprising: corporations can be nice, too.
It truly is a heartwarming—and people-warming—response.
I sincerely hope this post goes viral, because I just hung up from one of the best customer service experiences of my life. I ordered a winter coat from Zulily a few weeks ago. When I received my order, I could see through the packaging that the coat material wasn't going to work well with the two breeds of dogs we have. Coarse dog hair and certain materials don't mix. I called customer service and asked how to return the unopened coat for a refund. I spoke with a sweet young man named Patrick, and he let me know he would refund my money immediately. I asked again how to send it back, and he said, "Please don't send it back. If you know someone who needs a winter coat or if you would like to donate it to a charity, that would make us very happy." I honestly thought he was kidding. It took me a moment to realize he was completely serious, and then came the tears. I just don't know other companies that do this, do you? I thought Zulily was pretty incredible before, but after today, I'm a customer for LIFE. The world needs more LOVE like that. Honest business. Honest ethics. How refreshing!
Patrick, indeed a sweet man, told Kinkel to donate the dog-incompatible coat as opposed to sending it back, but promised to send the refund anyway. Kindness sells—this guy just proved that providing a pleasant customer and being compassionate can keep people working with you for reasons besides Stockholm Syndrome.
A homeless man living in the Tennessee woods for the past 16 years would not accept help for himself until he had a guarantee that all 31 of his dogs would also receive help. The man and his dogs lived in Natchez Trace State Park, just over 100 miles outside Memphis, Tennessee.
He agreed to medical attention and living assistance after having health issues, and after the Animal Rescue Corps (ARC) promised to provide veterinary and adoption assistance for each of the dogs. According the ARC, the dogs were about as healthy as can be expected after living in the wild:
The dogs of various sizes and breeds were living exposed to the elements and running loose in a pack. Three of the dogs exhibited signs of serious leg injuries, some had broken teeth and lacerations, none had been vaccinated, and all had internal and external parasites, such as ticks.
ARC will provide care for the dogs until they are placed with rescue organizations to find them adoptive homes. Hopefully their owner will be able to adjust to a new life away from nature, and will receive the full care and assistance he needs to get back on his feet. It will be a long journey, but it's been done before.
In a recent interview with Yahoo! Food, Jennifer Aniston finally spilled the organic beans on how she stays so thin. It's not what you'd expect—that she has a home gym, personal trainer, and in-house chef, plus tons of money to buy healthy ingredients. As it turns out, Aniston doesn't actually eat, she subsists solely on all the positive vibes you sent her while she was single.
Just kidding! Actually it's totally what you'd expect, and she's committed to it year-round. "It's pretty clear: eat as much organic fruits and veggies as you can, keep sugar [intake] low, drink tons and tons of water, and get good sleep." She claims her refrigerator is filled with the same things any other healthy eater might have, including chicken, hard-boiled eggs, and raw veggies cut up and ready for snacking. Two things you won't find in her kitchen, though, are beets, which she's not a fan of, and caviar, which she claims is "just a sh--ty taste."
During that same interview, Aniston also learned about the vegan "Taco Cleanse," by which she now claims to be "riveted." So maybe next time she reveals diet secrets, they'll be about tacos.
Most conversations on dating apps either go nowhere for an interminable amount of time, quickly lead to a hook-up, or get creepy real fast. Imgur user OnlyTheRarestPepe uploaded a Tinder chat that falls into none of those three categories. This chat with Samantha is straight fire. The guy gave her the option of having a rap battle, which she accepted. And both delivered.
As there's no further evidence of the rap battle, it likely ended there. But the conversation must've continued because how could it not have? A dude who describes Bing as "about as useful as a ring in a fling" and a lady who can quickly come up with a mocking rhyme are both serious keepers. This is a Tinder love story in the making.
If you find yourself in Forrest City, Arkansas looking for a quick fix of waffles and hash browns, might you consider the illustrious house of waffles, known to all that feast on cheese and eggs as Waffle House? Definitely not going to be any hair in those hash browns, because they just passed a health department inspection! Although, you might want to know, a certain incident caused that health inspection—onlookers caught two employees using a pot of water in the restaurant's kitchen to do their hair.
Antonio Robinson told a local news outlet that his friend began to cough. "I looked up at him. He went to pulling out strings of hair out of his mouth."
The pair then went to the kitchen with their cell phones. "She dipped her hair in the pot and when it came back up she was drying it off with one of the towels," said Robinson. "I see people do that in their houses and things like that but for a restaurant, I don't know."
Waffle House apparently does know, however. The two employees lost their jobs, and a spokesman issued the following statement:
We were made aware of this via a Facebook Private message this morning. We immediately reached out to the local management team. After identifying the parties involved, they were immediately terminated. The health department has been out to the restaurant for an inspection which it passed, and they have closed the case.
We do not tolerate these behaviors and strive to provide a clean, safe environment for all our customers.
So there you go. Waffle House is officially as hairless as Donald Trump under that combover.
According to CNBC, the dress did sell out quickly on Neimanmarcus.com, but if you want a garment recently made famous by a celebrity—some would suggest going with El Chapo's fancy shirts instead.
Facebook stalking is like peeing in the shower: everyone's done it at least once, but no one wants to admit it. It's fun at first, discovering your ex now looks like he's starring in a Meet the Klumps reboot. Not quite so amusing three hours later, when you accidentally "like" one of his new wife's sorority sister's Spring Break pics from '02 and start sobbing to yourself, "Cancun, how basic."
Viral star Marian Bull's moment of weakness was captured by her roommate Hallie Bateman. In a YouTube video posted Monday, Marian discovers her teen love's new chick is a beautiful model who makes mediocre water color paintings. Marian's hilarious descriptions ("It's like her skin is made of silk and it has little sun-rays woven into it"), heartbreaking comparisons ("I bet her heat works"), and laugh-until-she-cries reaction will make you wonder why the heck that guy ever left.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDDbr1uTBCw
If she's feeling a crazy range of emotions now, just wait until she looks up her old Algebra teacher and finds out he's currently a low-end male stripper with adult braces and a lot of opinions about 9/11.
YouTuber Evnissyen had a coyote sighting last week, right in his own backyard. It's a rare sight, but even more rare is spotting one happily batting around a ball like a little puppy. The coyote's playful spirit is enough to make you want to run over there and hug its soft fur, but don't. You are not a Disney princess and wild animals are not your best friends.
Kylie Jenner just graduated high school, and although she's not going to college, she is committing herself to intellectual inquiry. She has announced that her goal for 2016 is to spend more time "realizing stuff." This bombshell came in a short video Kylie posted, telling her loyal fans and subscribers what's in store for 2016. Yes, she announced proudly that it is the year of "realizing stuff."
