A group of Redditors are telling their worst "affluenza" stories, and the results are rich with rage-inducing humor. The term is now synonymous with (but actually pre-dates) a very rich Texas teen named Ethan Couch who used "affluenza" (the fact that he has no sense of consequences from being spoiled so badly) as a successful court defense after he killed four people while drunk driving. These examples of wealthy people being pretentious and condescending might make you angry, but they'll also make you laugh—because good lord, these people are clueless like whoa. 

1. "How disgusting that you give your 'rodent' its own barstool."

2. "Please keep your scary Sudanese refugee friends inside at all times, k, thx."  

3. "Okay, but where is your Mercedes?" 

4. "Hey, $5 was a lot of money like 70 years ago." 

5. "Bedelia, I swear to God, will you please get all this nature crap under control already?"

6. Ah, an entire pack of snobby parents. That's a treat.  

7. "You are not white, so you probably can't speak English. Let me help you by treating you like an absolute moron."

8."Oh, that's just a fence, what is that, couple thou? You probably have it on you in spare change right now, don't you?"

9. "We gave up common courtesy long ago, oh naïve nephew of mine." 

10. "I'm sorry, lowly bagger, you do not exist in my world. Therefore, I cannot hear you or speak to you." 

11. "Ugh, messy money, I don't want this in my wallet, get it away from me!" 

12.  "$200 to park? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me." 

13. "Hello, I'd like to buy this car that's not for sale and then I'd like someone who is not a driving instructor to teach me to drive it, for free."

14. "I know I'm paying you next to nothing, but why can't you go out and buy a brand new phone so I'm never inconvenienced again?"

15. "What is the best way to brag needlessly about my education while putting other people down at the same time. Oh, wait—got it!"

16. "Honey, how can we make sure the waiter knows we're complete assholes?"

17. "Is this some kind of trick question?" 

Monday night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Game of Thrones star Lena Headey read real quotes from The Bachelor in character as Queen Cersei Lannister, which made for a perfect combination. The Bachelor is Game of Thrones for people without HBO—an intense competition rooted in horniness. As some of the women believe: "When you play the game of The Bachelor, you win or you die."

If Cersei could win over Jaime, she certainly could win over Ben.

Kelly Gneitling, a Mormon man from Idaho who joined the militia currently occupying Oregon's Malheur National Wildlife Preserve, has challenged Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie to a sumo wrestling match. Wearing nothing but a ​mawashi, a.k.a. sumo loincloth, Gneitling issued his challenge via a short video posted to YouTube on Saturday.

Gneitling, who jokingly referred to himself as Christie's older brother, is actually no relation, but that didn't stop him from bringing up "all those times I used to put [him] in the sleeping bag and roll [him] down the stairs." He dared Christie to “throw on a diaper” and “go to war over the Constitution.”

Gneitling's challenge comes in response to Christie's statement that law enforcement should end the Oregon militia's three-week occupation of the federal preserve. 

Someone in China drove to a parade carting a snow penis on the trunk of his car. It isn't your typical penis drawn on the windshield, either. Think a snowman, but in penis shape—and, like most snowmen, it really would look adorable with a stovepipe hat. It truly is the winter of snow schlongs.

As one LiveLeak commenter said:

According to Mashable, the man was carrying snow to the parade because snow is a rare sight in that part of China. It certainly is rare to see three-foot-long penises anywhere. 

A photo taken by Dmitry Vasyanovich off Guadalupe Island in Mexico shows three divers risking everything—well, specifically a hand—to find out what it's like to touch the snout of a great white shark. "Of course we knew that this fish is quite dangerous, but everything was organized perfectly so we actually felt safe," said the madman.

The Guadalupe Great White Sharks website espouses "natural interaction and… the absolute minimum amount of chum" to facilitate encounters between divers and wildlife. Of course, leaning out of the cage with a hand or torso is prohibited. But if you want to go viral, you've got to break some rules.

Don't, though. Definitely do not.

If you're looking for a reason to cringe for about half a minute straight (and who isn't?), you're in luck. Because here's a grainy video from 1988 of 18-year-old high school senior Ted Cruz answering questions about his goals for the future. After a stupid joke about "aspirations" being "the sweat on [his] butt," he goes on to say he'd like to be in a "teen tit film" (sorry, a what?) before getting relatively serious and saying he'd like to, "Take over the world. World domination. You know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff.”

Be sure to watch to the very end of the 47 second clip, when Cruz's father Rafael is asked, "Think Ted will rule the world someday?" to which he responds, "I hope not!"

UFC fighter Ronda Rousey hosted SNL last Saturday, and she appeared to be wearing a "promise ring" from her boyfriend and fellow fighter, Travis Browne. Browne, however, is still technically married to fitness model Jenna Renée Webb, who has almost a million followers on Instagram. Probably because she posts many images of herself looking hot and filtered:

Her followers got a bonus post on Saturday, when Webb shared this image of Rousey wearing that special piece of jewelry. Webb captioned it with some rough language and pretty severe accusations against Browne.

She writes:

Kudos to the people with a strong enough backbone to take ownership of the decisions they make, wether good or bad, mistakes or not--who don't try to cover their tracks by changing their story to please society.. Pet Peeve: When people think they can do stupid shit and not get called out on it.... I'm pretty sure we're still married. When he hits you across your pretty face don't worry, I'll be right here to say #IToldYouSo I wish you both the best ;) #yourewelcome #hyprocrite #thankyou#DNB

Webb had posted a graphic image of bruises on her body in July, which she says were inflicted by Browne and instigated their separation and impending divorce (though it obviously hasn't taken place yet). If Browne is guilty of domestic abuse, that's terrible, though there might be some cosmic justice at play if he ever tried to hit Ronda Rousey. 

Megan Harris​ took her teen daughter shopping for a formal dress in their home state of Kansas last week. The event should've been a fun mother-daughter bonding session, but the idyllic moment went sour when they encountered a rather opinionated sales lady at Dillard's. Harris took to Facebook to express her very logical thoughts over the incident.

Dear sales lady at Dillard's Towne East Mall,
This is my teenage daughter who wanted to try on dresses for an upcoming formal. I found this dress and asked her to try it on. She told me this was not her style, but tried it on for me. I told her how grown up it made her look and she smiled, and told me this made her look too old but still, she let me take a picture. Right after that, you entered and told my daughter she needed to wear SPANX if she wanted to wear this dress. I told my daughter to go change. I told you that she was just fine without SPANX. You continued to argue with me. We left soon after. I wish I had told you how many girls suffer from poor self image and telling them they need something to make them perfect can be very damaging. Girls of all ages, shapes and sizes are perfect because that is how God made them. If they feel good in a dress, that is all that should matter. My daughter is tall, she swims, runs, dances and does yoga. She's fit. She's beautiful. She did not need you telling her that she is not perfect. I hope this is shared and gets back to you so that you should not say something like that to a girl ever again. You never know what negative or positive thoughts they are thinking about themselves.
Sincerely,
Mother of a beautiful girl

Firstly, Harris's daughter looks great. Red is definitely her color. More importantly, she's lucky to have a mom willing to publicly address body-shaming sales ladies who are still under the delusion Spanx do anything. Unlike many teen daughters, this girl agrees that her mom is the best.

A few things I need to say: People have said that I should be ashamed for embarrassing my daughter. SHE IS NOT EMBARRASSED, SHE IS EMPOWERED!!!
First, I ONLY posted this with permission from my daughter! It was her choice. PLEASE KEEP SHARING!!
Second, please know I do not want this lady fired! That being said...
Third, the entire conversation was I had with the sales lady, I will NOT repeat, but I can ASSURE you it was not a basic up sale. I have been in sales before and know the difference between a pushy sales person trying to make a sale and someone who has gone beyond the point of being rude.
Just needed to put that out there. Thank you!

Three cheers for mother-daughter empowerment!

Whether it's obnoxious attention-seeking behavior or obnoxious passive-aggressive behavior, vaguebooking is the worst. And some people out there just insist on filling up our Facebook feeds with these ham-fisted attempts at sharing their feelings. We're not going to say who it is, though.

1. You could go to a movie.

2. Us either.

3. Not so hawt.

4. Friend no. 1 is vaguely professing love.

5. The dreaded triple blank stare emoji!

6. This is why the Internet was invented.

7. Well, he didn't mean you.

8. Keep on truckin'

9. Now that I have your attention…

10. Ready player 2.

11. In-N-Out.

12. A plea for help.

13. Can't stop, won't stop.

14. Some pretty connected Facebook friends.

15. A wish is a dream your heart makes.

16. SO SERIOUS.

17. The definition of irony.

Anna Spargo-Ryan is an Australian writer who has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. On Friday, she posted some photos of herself on Facebook in response to an article titled, "Mental illness: Who's faking it?" that was published in The Sydney Morning Herald that same day. In one picture, Spargo-Ryan has been crying, in the other she's smiling in her selfie. And in both, she's someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Get it?

She writes:

These photos of me were taken three days apart.
In the first one, I have a mental illness.
And in the second one, I have a mental illness.

The Sydney Morning Herald today published an article by James Adonis, about how employers can identify people who are "faking" mental illness to get out of work.

One of the recommendations from this absolute dropkick of a human was to "issue a warning to those you suspect are faking it."

Part of what makes mental illness so hard to identify in at-risk people is the constant reinforcement that we're "imagining it" or that we're "just sad" or that we "have to want to get better". It's an ethereal illness, existing only because we can't be bothered to be well, or because we've talked ourselves into it, or because we didn't try hard enough, or because we are faking it.

Garbage "people-management thinkers" who choose to perpetuate the myth that mental illness is probably a fakery do so to broad societal detriment. Good people have mental illnesses. We need them to feel supported and empowered in their places, whether that's work or home or school or somewhere else. Not that someone is waiting to "catch them out". Not that their illness is not legitimate. Not that the time they take away from work to seek treatment is bogus.

Both of these photos are mental illness. I hope this helps you to spot the fakers.

Her post has gone viral, with lots of social media attention. It also led to an addendum on the original article by the author James Adonis. He writes:

Since publishing this article, an enormous amount of feedback on social media has made me realise it was poorly written and insensitive. This has been unfair on those with a mental illness and their loved ones. This was never my intention. My intention was to achieve the opposite. At this I clearly failed. I'm genuinely sorry.

But the post is still up, probably because a lot more people are reading it now, even though it suggests that you "issue a warning to those you suspect are faking it [mental illness]," which is a horrible idea on every level.

Spargo-Ryan told BuzzFeed that she thinks the piece is "dangerous" and "has no place in the current mental health climate...We’re still at the beginning of understanding how to support mental health in the workplace, and the idea of ‘catching people out’ is the antithesis of that.” Hopefully, her point of view is as well-circulated as The Sydney Morning Herald's.

If you ever wanted to see Judy Garland, Amy Schumer, Kevin Bacon, and Chris Farley dance together to a C+C Music Factory song, here's your chance. YouTuber Robert Jones complied 92 different movie scenes to make this epic dance movie mash-up. 

The 90s throwback jam combined with all those celebrity gyrations might be just enough to get you off the couch today.

Dance like no one is recording it to make fun of you on the Internet. 

So apparently, a hot new beauty trend is making your lips ombré—you know, after you've already done that to your eyelids, nail polish, and hair. Truly, what Juicy Couture track suits and shiny lip gloss were to the 2000s, ombré is to the 2010s: everywhere and kind of dumb.

If you haven't clicked through a Marie Claire slideshow in the past six years, ombré is French for "shadow" and basically just means a subtle gradient of color.  Here's what that looks like on lips:

It can be either dramatic or subtle, just like you. Here's how to do it, because if you don't throw yourself into a decade's trends, did you even live through it?

While promoting her film Certain Women at the 2016 Sundance Film Festival, Kristen Stewartspoke with Variety. As it often does these days, the topic of gender inequality in Hollywood came up. Stewart had a few somewhat scattered words to say.

Stewart begins her comments by asserting that Hollywood, because it's "so old," is bound to have "a somewhat narrow view." In spite of #OscarsSoWhite and repeated examples of gender bias, she suggests that this perspective is "expanding on so many levels."

She goes on to speak at length about how "instead of sitting around and complaining," people should "do something." She claims she doesn't fit into this category of women suffering from Hollywood gender bias because she's "so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven, like, not bored," which is "awkward." Almost as awkward as insinuating women who are discriminated against for their gender are bored. But not as awkward as assuming men make more money because their movies make more money, and not because men have more opportunities to make films.

To be fair, Stewart does acknowledge that "it's hard to get movies made" and it's "easy to say" that women should "do something." Plus, she's continually proven it's nearly impossible for her to come off as likable in interviews. In her words, the gender inequality topic is "just so prevalently everywhere right now and it's boring." But that's also her attitude toward any topic she's ever discussed in an interview.

It might comfort you to know that Uber does not allow their drivers to carry firearms. Unfortunately, they don't all follow that rule to the letter, as one passenger learned about his driver Friday night in Bradenton, Florida.

On the way home with at least one friend, the victim asked his chauffeur, Patrick McDonald, to pull over because he felt like he might throw up. The driver obliged, but when the victim then told him he was fine to get back on the road, McDonald told him to get out of the car. According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office report, the driver told the nauseous passenger that "he was not going to throw up in his $75,000 car." McDonald tried to drag the victim out of the vehicle, and they began to argue outside the car. 

At this point, McDonald apparently took "an aggressive fighting stance (clinched fist)," before reaching into his car and grabbing a black semi-automatic handgun and, according to the victim, pointing it at him. Another passenger got between them and no one was hurt.

McDonald has defended his actions, saying he retrieved the gun but never pointed it at the victim. Furthermore, he feared for his life. From the report:

When asked how exactly he was in fear he said because they were talking about 'sticking dick's in his ear.'

Assuming the officer who filed the report made a small typo and the passengers were talking about sticking dicks in McDonald's ear and not something belonging to a man named dick, either way, take a few valuable lessons from the story. Your Uber driver is a human being, he has ears to hear you, and he does not want dicks in said ears.

When their weekend ski plans were thwarted by Winter Storm Jonas, a Chevy Chase, MD family found something even better to do—save the life of an adorable baby pig they found in the snow. 

Perry Smith, his wife Elisabeth, and their kids Catherine and Perry Jr. had planned on a weekend of skiing at a Pennsylvania resort, but when the resort was preemptively closed due to weather, they decided to wait it out at a Maryland hotel. On the way there, Smith noticed a "pink lump" in the snow and pulled over to investigate.

The lump was a piglet—so still they weren't even sure it was alive, until they picked it up and it squealed loudly. 

They snuck the little pig into the hotel, wrapped up in Catherine's sweatshirt, and took turns caring for it throughout the night. By the morning it had stopped shivering, was drinking water, and even ventured out of the bathtub they were keeping it in to explore the hotel room a bit. 

The piglet, now named Wee Wee after an uncle's imaginary pig friend, went home with the Smiths on Sunday, but they knew they couldn't keep it, despite their newfound attachment. After searching online, Smith found Poplar Spring Animal Sanctuary, a Maryland farm sanctuary that currently cares for about 50 pigs. Terry Cummings, the co-founder and co-director of the sanctuary, told BuzzFeed News that pigs are commonly found by the side of the road because they often jump or fall out of the transport vehicles taking them to auctions. 

So as soon as the snow clears, little Wee Wee will begin a new life at Poplar Spring Animal Sanctuary, living out its little pig days rolling in mud and hanging out with other farm animals. 

But for now, Wee Wee is getting as much lap time with its human saviors as possible.

Now that the face and soul of Adam Driver have been captured and manifested into a cat who went viral, Reese Witherspoon is trying to get in on the "#cattwinning" game herself. Witherspoon posted a collage on Instagram on Monday that features a smiley cat whose pointy chin and regal stare are much like her own. While there is a resemblance between the cat and the Oscar winner, it's definitely not as uncanny as Kitty Kylo Ren.

Do you see it? Or is she Legally Blind?

Three-year-old Claire Ryann might just be the cutest kid on the Internet. That's a bold statement, but when you hear her sweet little voice singing "Part of Your World" from the The Little Mermaidyou'll understand completely. Solid song choice Claire, everyone's had their fill of Adele covers. Watch and prepare to have your cold heart melted forever.

Her producer/Dad ain't too hard on the eyes either. 

To start, some background: Kylie Jenner's boyfriend Tyga has an ex named Blac Chyna. Blac Chyna is mostly famous for being Tyga's ex and looking like Nicki Minaj, but that's enough to earn her almost 5 million followers on Instagram. She runs in the same circle as the Kardashians, and it now looks like she's dating one: Rob Kardashian.

That's a problem. Besides the fact that it's vaguely incestuous for Tyga's ex to date his current girlfriend's brother, Blac Chyna and the Kardashians have some old rotting beef between them. Tyga and Blac Chyna have a 3-year-old, and almost a year ago Blac Chyna's best friend Amber Rose talked some serious trash about Tyga leaving his family to be with Jenner. Amber Rose also took to Instagram and Twitter to criticize the Kardashians very openly:

Amber Rose is herself connected to the Kardashians, because she's the ex of Kanye West, who is the husband of Kim Kardashian. Phew! Anyway, the long and short of it is that if Blac Chyna is really dating Rob Kardashian, there are going to be some awkward as hell family dinners ahead. The gossip stems from this Instagram post Blac Chyna shared on Monday:

In case you don't recognize Rob Kardashian's tattoos (why would you?), that's his arm tenderly cuddling Blac Chyna's face. TMZ broke the story, and enhanced Rob Kardashian's tattoos to prove it. How do the Kardashians feel about this? Well, Khloé appeared to be sub-tweeting about people attacking her family earlier:

But clarified it was a reference to some other family member:

Before pouring gasoline on the flames of these flickering feud:

Oh, snap. 

Related: Beginner's guide to caring about a fight between Khloé Kardashian and Amber Rose. 

A health campaign in the Canadian territory of the Yukon sought to remind people to get plenty of D this winter—Vitamin D, that is. The innocent folks of the Yukon Department of Health and Social Services were apparently unaware that "the D" is slang for "penis."

What ensued was a hilariously sexual, abundantly awkward ad campaign:

This tweeter was even inspired to share her story about her D days:

A representative from the Department of Health and Social Services told the Yukon News, "We knew it was an innuendo for sex. We did not realize that it was as crude as it is now being purported to be."

They have since nixed the campaign, but the message should still inspire.