Article 23
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30 hilarious thoughts about anxiety that will help quell your current panic attack.
Ah, anxiety. Where would funny people be without it? Probably much happier, but screw that.
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J.K. Rowling's latest tweet is an inspiration to fans of gender fluidity and procrastination alike.
J.K. Rowling has probably tweeted the equivalent of an eighth Harry Potter book by now, so she knows a thing or two about procrastination. Just check out her most recent tweet storm about how she procrastinated on her next book by changing characters' genders around:
J.K. Rowling—AKA Robert Galbraith—knows a thing or two about the power of a fictional gender swap, so maybe that's a more impressive accomplishment than it sounds. Writer Sathnam Sanghera chimed in with her own procrastination techniques:
To which Rowling replied:
Sparking a decidedly unproductive conversation:
And other writers chimed in, surely to the dismay of their editors.
J.K. Rowling thinks Arial is the Vernon Dursley of fonts.
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Tyra Banks announces arrival of new baby boy with Instagram of his current fashion.
Tyra Banks announced yesterday—much to the delight of the supermodel's adoring fans—the birth of her and boyfriend Erik Asla's new baby boy through a surrogate mother. The baby will likely have a three month post-birth vacation before he's expected to begin work as executive producer of at least three reality shows. This Instagram of a hat represents a surely lovely baby named York Asla Banks.
Banks captioned her Instagram announcement:
The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He's got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik's mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.
For reference, here's the aforementioned combination fingers/eyes and mouth/chin that make up the young York Banks Asla:
Banks talked to People about her conception-perceptions, "When I turned 40, the one thing I was not happy about is that I did not have kids. When you're like, 'Okay, I'm just going to do it,' then it's not so easy as you get older."
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Anne Hathaway wears her new go-to accessory on red carpet.
Anne Hathaway is bringing her baby bump with her everywhere these days. A few weeks ago she posted that now infamous bikini Instagram, and last night she, her husband Adam Shulman, and the baby in her womb all hit the red carpet together for a charity event in L.A.
Wearing a black and white dress and four-inch heels (because nothing goes with pregnancy like high heels), she looked happy and healthy and pregnant. She's wearing that bump like nobody's business. Stay tuned for her next photo, when she'll probably still be adorable and most likely sporting that same bump.
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Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa move their beef with Kanye from Twitter to real life.
The beef between Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa blew up Twitter on Wednesday, and got its most intense when Amber Rose chimed in and put her finger in the booty ass of the whole bitch:
Among Kanye's many slams at Wiz including a dig about his son with Amber, calling her a "stripper" who "trapped" him.
5th I know you mad every time you look at your child that this girl got you for 18 years
4th you let a stripper trap you
Amber went on the podcast "Allegedly" to address the feud, and called out Kanye for the low blow of bringing her and Wiz's son into it. She said, "I would never talk about kids in an argument, it just shows what type of person he is… They're innocent babies. You don't ever talk about a baby. Ever."
When asked if she was surprised about the crazy tweets, Amber answered, "No, because I know him. I know that he's a f*cking clown."
The whole podcast will be released on iTunes on Friday.
Wiz also addressed the beef out in the real world, yelling "F*ck Kanye!" during a performance of his song "Taylor Gang" at his concert in Argentina.
Sh*t continues to get real. It doesn't look like the three of them will be dropping a collab anytime soon, and this feud will likely get even more intense during Kanye's presidential campaign.
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People are sharing the text message they would send today to their first loves. They’re intense.
The Unsent Project, created by artist Rora Blue, is an assemblage of text messages compiled using the following prompt: "State your first love's name and tell me what you would tell them if you sent them a text message. Also include the color that you think of when you think of your first love." The result is not safe for work—in that when you start reading the texts you may start bawling at your desk. Here are some of the best unsent text messages from the project:
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Man tweets cringeworthy saga of how he and his dog accidentally interrupted a couple having sex in a car.
On January 26, U.K.-based writer Joe Craig and his dog Harpo went for a nighttime walk and had a close encounter of the extremely awkward kind. The story was so perfectly mortifying and awesome, he had no choice but to tell the world all about it. And even though Craig is a very successful author, he chose to tell his story on the new hot platform for long-form fiction: Twitter.
The next day, after the story went viral, Craig returned with some important context about Harpo.
Oof, that poor couple. Here's hoping Harpo didn't step on anything too sensitive.
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If you are scared of flying or creepy dolls, this Thai airline is your biggest nightmare.
If you're already a nervous flyer, here's one more thing to make you panic at 30,000 feet—possessed dolls. According to CNN, Thai Smile Airlines is now allowing passengers to book seats for a kind of supernatural doll that is popular in the Southeast Asian nation. Each lifelike dolls, known as a Luk Thep, or "child angel," supposedly contains the spirit of an actual child (yikes), and brings good luck.
The dolls, which retail for up to $400, are not child's play. They're treated by their adult owners like real children. The airline's new policy was announced after increasing complaints from costumers who got offended when they were asked to store their "babies" in overhead bins. Thai Smile will allow the dolls to have their own seats, where they'll be treated just like normal customers—i.e. being told to buckle up for takeoff and landing, and being served snacks and drinks by flight attendants mid-flight. The dolls and their owners will also be treated to unlimited eye rolls by fellow passengers. You know what, they can have all the snacks they want, just no knives, please.
This is one flight you won't be napping on.
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Rob Kardashian hinted on Instagram that Blac Chyna is pregnant, which is huge if you're either of them.
According to Bossip, Khloé Kardashian kicked her brother Rob out of her place after finding him there with his girlfriend, Kardashian-foe Blac Chyna. Now he's moved in with Chyna, solidifying her status as ultimate mortal enemy (she was already on their shit list, mainly because she's Kylie Jenner's boyfriend Tyga's baby mama).
Adding fuel to the fire is this years-old picture of Blac Chyna that Rob Kardashian recently posted on Instagram, showing her carrying a car seat for a baby (which was probably for her son with Tyga, King Cairo) and captioned:
Blac Chyna probably out shopping rite now as she plan to give birth to the only next generation of the Kardashian name! #babyKardashian
So now everybody is wondering if Blac Chyna could be pregnant with Rob's baby. A baby which they will probably name Drama.
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Scott Disick and Tyga play an awkward game of 'F***, Marry, Kill' about the Kardashians.
Khloé Kardashian is hosting a new show called Kocktails with Khloé on the FYI network (which, for your information, exists). The series' second episode is making the rounds thanks to the appearances of Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy and ex-boyfriend, Scott Disick, and Kylie Jenner's possibly-cheating boyfriend, Tyga. Khloé, bubbling with her trademark passive-aggression, made the two play a game of "Fuck, Marry, Kill" with the three eldest Kardashian sisters as their options. Seeing as both men either are or have been romantically involved with the family, they had to be very careful in their responses:
Purely from a tactical standpoint, they both gave pretty good answers. Both assured their host that she would not be killed (Tyga married Khloé while Scott merely banged her), and although Tyga killed Scott's ex, it also meant he didn't need to have fictional sex with her. Scott's only blunder was his failure to conceal how many times he's played this game, immediately expressing his desire to kill the family's queen bee, Kim, and marry the woman who would never marry him.
This episode is also generating buzz from an interesting interview with Disick about what he wants to do in life now that he and Kourtney Kardashian, with whom he has three children, are officially residents of splitsville. Disick, whose constant attempts at a bad-boy persona have been the worst-concealed cries for help in show business, pretty much said he just wants to be less of a douche:
Both Kourtney and Kylie will be on the next episode of the show. Concluding on a less-tabloidy note, enjoy Jenna Marbles (real name Jenna Mourey) talking about aliens:
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The Budweiser Clydesdales welcomed a new baby conveniently close to the Super Bowl.
The Budweiser Clydesdale clan welcomed their newest horse on Tuesday, and his name is Mac. He was born at Warm Springs Ranch in Boonville, Missouri, where he will learn the sophisticated art of marketing. Mother and foal are both doing well.
The Budweiser Clydesdale tradition began after prohibition ended in the United States. The original horses were a gift from August A. Busch, Jr. and Adolphus Busch to their father in celebration of America being permitted to get legally drunk again. It's not surprising that rich kids named "Augustus" and "Adolphus" had access to horses.
Anheuser-Busch has a herd of more than 160 horses that help them sell beer. Mac will soon begin his apprenticeship in which he'll learn to pull carts, hate Miller beer products, and talk to dalmatians (one of Budweiser's other flagship animals used in commercials).
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Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard lip synced a music video in the rains down in Africa. Guess which song?
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made a music video to Toto's "Africa" while vacationing somewhere on the continent for which the song is named (Africa). Although the video was shot years ago, Shepard just posted it to YouTube, writing,"This was our last trip before having kids. Our sole objective was to rage hard and honor Toto properly. Hope you enjoy :)"
They covered the major sites in Africa, and the major dance moves, too:
They appear to have a truly beautiful, fun marriage, despite being celebrities. Congrats to them for beating the odds, and for creating a very impressive Toto tribute. Shooting on location definitely blows everything on Lip Sync Battle out of the water.
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A soldier won the hearts and minds of the Internet after being filmed helping hungry kids.
Lieutenant Colonel Robert Risdon's good deed went viral this week when someone caught him on camera purchasing hot meals for two young boys at an Alabama Taco Bell. The boys, aged 9 and 12, were in the fast food restaurant selling homemade desserts for money. "I noticed they had just gotten out of the rain, they were both soaking wet," Risdon told WALB. The soldier sprang into action, asking the kids if they were hungry and offering to buy them dinner.
The touching moment was captured on video by Jason Gibson, who shared the post on Facebook on Tuesday. It's since been viewed over 126,000 times.
People were in awe of the soldier's kindness, but he was just as grateful for the experience. "I thought it was amazing. A 9-year-old boy is coming up to me and saying you protect us. You take care of us... They have inspired me as much as I have made them feel good by filling their bellies a little bit," said Risdon.
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Ted Cruz is being followed around Iowa by a man accusing him of a truly terrible crime.
A mysterious man has been showing up at Ted Cruz's campaign events in Iowa with a sign reading "Ted Cruz Likes Nickelback," amusing the hell out of the Internet and generally doing God's work. Everyone knows there's nothing worse than being accused of liking the Canadian band Nickelback (no offense, Nickelback!) except maybe being accused of liking other Canadian band Barenaked Ladies (sorry, Barenaked Ladies!). Especially when you're accused of being a secret Canadian.
The mysterious troll also hands out copies of the Republican presidential candidate's birth certificate, showing Cruz's birthplace as the Canadian city of Calgary, in Alberta. Sometimes the protestor just has the sign, but at a recent rally held by the Cruz's super PAC, he dressed as a Canadian Mountie for good measure. He also brought along a little display of Canadian flags and a picture of a maple leaf with Ted Cruz's face over it.
The young man, who won't identify himself to the press, told the Washington Post: "I just don’t want, really, a Canadian in office. It seems like he’s got a lot of controversy behind him whether he’s a U.S.-born citizen or not and I’m just out here making a statement." That statement was probably delivered with a large amount of tongue in his cheek, but the young man won't tip his hand as to whether he's serious or just needling the GOP after years of tolerating birtherism.
But don't worry, guys—Nickelback's in on the joke, and recently tweeted a picture of the man and his sign, naming him "Employee of the Month, January 2016." Sorry if that ruined it for you.
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The original Barbie wrote an open letter to the new ones. She's even meaner than you thought.
Mattel announced today that they are releasing a new line of Barbies with a variety of body shapes, skin colors, and hair textures. OG Barbie was not amused.
Ladies,
Let me be the first to officially welcome you to Mattel! I think it's really sweet that you guys want to be just like me. I wanted to go around and meet each of you in person, but every time I stand up, I fall over, so this letter will have to do.
Being Barbie is about so much more than having big breasts, a tiny waist, and no genitals. But that's the important stuff, so here are some notes for each of you so you can be as much like me as possible. Just trying to help!
Curvy Barbie: Girl, we both know what "curvy" is a euphemism for. Time to throw away the tiny plastic fries and hop on the Pepto-Bismol-pink treadmill. No more "But I'm made of vinyl" excuses.
Petite Barbie: Sorry, sweetie. Skipper's got that "smaller version of Barbie" thing covered. Strap on a push-up and some heels and maybe you won't look as young as the eight-year-old playing with you.
Tall Barbie: Have you tried slouching? No guy wants to be with a girl who's taller than him, so unless you've got a thing for Raggedy Andy, I recommend having someone's older brother cut your legs off at the knees.
As for our new Barbies of color, I couldn't be happier that Mattel is finally making dolls that reflect our diverse world. Can I touch your hair?
For the record, I could also be very supportive of a transgender Barbie if that becomes a thing.
Kisses!
Love,
Original (For A Reason) Barbie
p.s. If I catch any of you bitches looking at Ken, I'll personally snap your heads off.
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Michael Moore wants you to stop sending bottled water to his hometown, Flint. Here's why.
Author, documentary filmmaker, and fan of wearing hats indoors Michael Moore has a message for those who want to help his native Flint: Don't send bottled water. In fact, he's got a lot to say to those who want to help but might not know all the facts that led to this abysmal situation in the first place. Head over to his website to read the full statement, but here's what he says about the bottled water situation:
The amount of generosity since the national media finally started to cover this story has been tremendous. Pearl Jam sent 100,000 bottles of water. The next day the Detroit Lions showed up with a truck and 100,000 bottles of water. Yesterday, Puff Daddy and Mark Wahlberg donated 1,000,000 bottles of water! Unbelievably amazing. They acknowledged it’s a very short-term fix, and that it is. Flint has 102,000 residents, each in need of an average of 50 gallons of water a day for cooking, bathing, washing clothes, doing the dishes, and drinking (I’m not counting toilet flushes, watering plants or washing the car). But 100,000 bottles of water is enough for just one bottle per person – in other words, just enough to cover brushing one’s teeth for one day. You would have to send 200 bottles a day, per person, to cover what the average American (we are Americans in Flint) needs each day. That’s 102,000 citizens times 200 bottles of water – which equals 20.4 million 16oz. bottles of water per day, every day, for the next year or two until this problem is fixed (oh, and we’ll need to find a landfill in Flint big enough for all those hundreds of millions of plastic water bottles, thus degrading the local environment even further). Anybody want to pony up for that? Because THAT is the reality.
Besides the fact that Michael Moore apparently needs an entire bottle of water to brush his teeth twice, the man makes several great, obvious points. Water bottles are wasteful in the short-term, and could possibly do more harm than good overall for Flint. A big water bottle donation can do nothing to reverse the damage already done. Damage that Moore pins squarely on the state's Governor Snyder.
If you like Michael Moore, maybe you'll be convinced by his five steps to "go to bat for the forgotten of Flint:"
1. "Demand the removal and arrest of Rick Snyder, the Governor of Michigan."
2. "Make the State of Michigan pay for the disaster that the State of Michigan created."
3. "The Federal Government must then be placed in charge."
4. "Evacuate any and all Flint residents who want to leave now."
5. "For those who choose to stay in Flint, FEMA must create a temporary water system in each home."
If you don't like Moore, well, maybe you'll want to help anyway—before he has to make another one of those movies you hate.
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Article 6
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People wrote down their biggest regrets on a chalkboard for all of New York City to see.
People wrote down their biggest regrets for all to see on a chalkboard in the middle of New York City this week in a video by Ashton Kutcher's media company, A Plus (yes, Kutcher has a media company now that he is better known as a tweeter than an actor). It soon becomes clear that most of these regrets have one thing in common, and if you're willing to endure enough feelings and tinkling piano music to get to the end of the video, you can find out what.
"It's never too late," Kutcher wrote when he shared this video, which is objectively untrue because everyone's going to die someday. Sorry!!!
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Big help.
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