The texts started innocently enough, and then the man on the other end (pretending to be a woman) tested the limits with a faux confession:
It is funny. It's super funny because the guy on the other end of the conversation was willing to overlook a fatal hit-and-run just to receive some sexts. Now perhaps he'll be a bit more cautious when texting someone he just met, and hopefully in the future he won't be so quick to ignore a possible vehicular homicide just so he can see boobs.
Stand-up comedy, sitcoms, movies—it's all pointless. You'll never laugh as hard as when you're really, really, really not supposed to. That's what these Redditors proved when they recently shared stories of their best/worst "I shouldn't be laughing right now moments." You'll especially find some great belly laughs at a loved one's funeral. That's the place to go when you've finished all the specials in your Netflix queue.
1. Just a classy joke from a classy man.
2. This will not happen in 2017.
3. Pics or didn't happen, have to call bullsh*t.
4. It wasn't me, it was my evil twin...
5. Ignore the username.
6. Probably been waiting to use that one for years.
7. Just another day at work.
8. Eye contact in the bathroom is always a bad thing.
If you turned on the radio in St. Louis yesterday, you might have thought you were listening to a morning show prank, but this was no prank. It was a baby being born, live on the air. For real.
Brando, aka Brandon Luttman, a DJ and executive producer on 106.5 the Arch, let listeners experience the birth of his son in real time, as it was happening.
"Honestly, I wasn’t sure how my wife Alex would react to the idea of putting the birth live on the radio, but to my surprise, she agreed," Brandon told Someecards. "I’m just happy she didn’t fire off an f-bomb."
Not only did Alex keep it clean, in just two pushes she gave birth to a nine-pound, nice-ounce (!) baby boy without a single scream. Can you say Super Woman?
Although Brandon and Alex are no strangers to childbirth (August is their fourth), sharing the exact moment you push a human life into existence might not be something you want to broadcast over the airways. Alex was shockingly chill about it. "I’m a nurse so I didn’t really think it was a big deal to let people listen in. Babies are born every day. Just not on the radio, I guess."
The hospital staff was on board as well. "Once we were in the delivery room, I announced to the nurses and our doctor that we were going to be live on the air during the birth and asked them to keep it clean and not gross sounding. They were awesome," Brandon told us.
As promised, the audio is "not gross sounding," but there is a scary moment captured when August failed to start breathing right away. "You can hear the room get quiet for a second while they try to get him to breathe. When you’re dealing with real life, you never know what’s going to happen," Brandon said.
Seconds later, you hear the newborn's very first tiny little cry. It's a touching moment that's likely to make you want to cry yourself. "This kid has star potential," Brandon said. "He knows the importance of making a grand entrance and to not keep your audience waiting too long."
Mom Alex, told us she was surprised by all of the attention. "I didn’t realize it was going to be such a big deal. The response has really been kinda crazy," she said.
According to his Dad, the one-day-old, is taking his super stardom in stride. "August would be signing autographs if he could. Fans have had to settle for dirty diapers instead."
You can listen to the broadcast of August's birth here. It's pretty amazing:
Everyone knows that sex sells, but can it also teach? That's the theory behind (no pun intended) Naked Language, a new Spanish show that teaches its viewers to speak English by having sexy tutors get naked for the lesson.
Desnudando Las Noticias (literally, "stripping the news"), the television channel famous for anchors delivering the news in the buff, created this new show. According to the show's website, it "promises that the theoretical content will be displayed in a simple and fun way through sexy videos and other content." Which is a rather formal way of saying "watch these hotties get naked and teach you shit."
Viewers of this very NSFW show, which also features puppets and a guy named—no joke—Dick Power, will get a certificate of completion (and quite possibly a slap in the face from their moms) upon finishing the course.
Blogger James Story broke down the Academy Awards' best picture nominees for each year based on their score on the review aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes, and he found that the highest rated film each year only won best picture 26 percent of the time. Of course, as any movie fan knows, the some of the arguably best films of the year are never even nominated for best picture. Or, like, understood in their time. So keep that in mind!
The list starts out well enough by saying a bunch of movies you haven't seen are better than other movies you also haven't seen.
By the 1940s, the critics right a lot of wrongs by bringing attention to The Philadelphia Story, Citizen Kane, and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, which were denied Academy wins.
Things are a little weirder in the 60s, when critics pick The Hustler over West Side Story and Z over Midnight Cowboy.
In the 90s, Quiz Show beats Pulp Fiction for the critics (Pulp Fiction was also nominated for Best Picture that year), but Quiz Show is still better than the actual winner, Forrest Gump.
By the 2000s, this system goes to sh*t. This may be because Rotten Tomato reviews are sometimes posted years after a film's initial release, giving critics the benefit of reflection and perspective removed from awards season hype. But for more recent films, this reflection hasn't happened yet.
In these years, many of the actual Best Picture winners are more beloved and canonized than their Rotten Tomato score would reflect. For example, Juno winning out over No Country for Old Men and The Queen beating The Departed in Rotten Tomato scores.
It's a fascinating list, but it also proves that award shows are basically just sports, but less objective.
Economic Development Minister Steven Joyce spoke at an event in Waitangi, New Zealand on February 4 in celebration of the country's national day, BuzzFeed reports. Also in attendance was a protestor with a dildo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCZkgZDMxTM
"That's for raping our sovereignty," the woman yelled, after launching the projectile directly at Joyce's mouth. The Independent states that the woman's display was in protest of the Trans-Pacific Parternship. 12 nations—including the U.S., Canada, and Malaysia— signed off on the TPP in New Zealand on February 4. Protestors fear that by reducing tariffs between the various nations, the TPP will encourage employers to take jobs overseas.
The anti-TPP commotion at the Waitangi Day celebration did not ruffle Steven Joyce. In fact, he took the dildo very well.
Beatboxing is not easy for humans, but iOS's digital assistant Siri is a robot, so it's not surprising that she's pretty good at keeping rhythm. Musician HeartGrey proves as much in this incredible video, which uses Siri's impeccable math skills for the end game of sick beatz.
Reality show cast members/gay icons Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and RuPaul acted out the Wiz Khalifa/Kanye West Twitter feud on Khloé Kardashian's talk show Kocktails With Khloéon Wednesday. It is very shouty, and Snooki does kind of a voice playing Wiz Khalifa that is pretty racially uncomfortable ("Nicole, you turned Wiz Khalifa into a Jamaican rapper and I appreciate that," Khloé says to her fellow reality star, charitably).
Apparently, all is well with Kanye and Wiz these days, which is probably the only way that his sister-in-law would have dared to do this bit on her show.
A Chicago Craigslist user named Michael posted a request for help after finding a big pile of poop on the hood of his Tesla Model X. Little else about the crime or the owner of the vehicle is known. Teslas are expensive cars with impressive features, so if the hood was intentionally soiled, it's natural that the owner would be outraged.
He should probably have started by checking if there were any security cameras on buildings or businesses nearby. That way he could see if there was footage of the hate-pooping (which in Illinois is probably a misdemeanor). But instead he asked for help from the many amateur sleuths on Craigslist, who are always patiently waiting in the shadows for big cases like this one:
I am writing this message to anyone that might have been in Lakeview Thursday night around 9pm.
Specifically I am looking for anyone who was by Stratford and Broadway, which was where my car was parked.
Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this because I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X.
This is not a joke.
I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative. It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers. Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later.
Now I know a lot of people might find this funny but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads. What’s more, the CPD “absolutely refused” to help me, a tax paying citizen, clean the shit off of my car. But they obviously didn’t hesitate to tell me I could not drive with the poop on my windshield because it would obstruct my visibility. I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.
I am looking for solid intelligence in regards to anyone who might have seen anything. Do not reply with a car type you think you saw or a suggestion. I am writing this to someone who saw something in particular or perhaps, someone who indeed knows the person who pulled this stupid joke on me. As for the latter, if you were willing to leak the name of the person who did this, I promise you that I would spare you of all legal charges and physical retaliation. However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me. And trust me, that is not going to happen.
And although from time to time, I could see why someone deserves it, this was absolutely uncalled for. And I think it says a lot about the people of Lakeview and those that work at The Rocks (the staff there laughed at me when I told them what happened). You are all pieces of shit for watching this happen and doing nothing, probably watching there as some jerk tossed a giant shit on my windshield… or perhaps you even saw it drop from his or her butthole as the pee was collected separately, which still makes sense so they wouldn’t slip on the pee after it was all said and done.
Listen closely. I am offering a significant compensation to anyone who has good solid intelligence that I will handle in my own way. I am not going to mention dollar amounts here but I work in the medical community and trust me when I say I think the amount I have in mind will not disappoint. After all, I do own a Tesla.
Lastly, a message to the person who did this: I will find you. Do you understand me? I have already had my lawyer draft up subpoenas to acquire footage from nearby security cameras amongst other things. Personally, I think you need medical attention to do what you have done. I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children.
I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public. And maybe he should be doing well if he is better suited at taking on the maniacs who have been overrunning this once great city.
Good Intel on who did this = Good money
I’ll end on that.
Michael
Wow, it's impressive how he managed to find a way to shoehorn his support for Donald Trump in there at the end. That's the real issue for the candidates in 2016: stopping car poopers. It's also fantastic that he scolded the staff of a nearby bar for not running out and confronting someone throwing poop on a car (if they even saw it happen). Good luck to Michael, his Tesla, and his job in the "medical community."
Everyone knows someone who still acts like they're a high schooler, even though they're well past college. They don't pay their bills, they don't have serious relationships, they leave work at 2:30 in the afternoon… you get the idea. If you're worried that you might be in a state of extended adolescence, check yourself for these warning signs. One or two is OK. But if three or more apply to you, it might be time to trade in your bitchin' Camaro for a sensible hybrid.
1. You take pranks way too seriously.
Sure, pranks are funny. When you're 15. If you're spending half your paycheck on strippers for your coworker's divorce hearing, it's time to give it up. Literally everyone will thank you.
2. You do picklebacks with high proof rum on your lunch break.
Let's make this clear up top: nobody is telling you you shouldn't drink at work. Drinking is one of the great pleasures of adulthood, but you've got to be smart about it. Pace yourself, don't mix beer and hard liquor, and EAT FIRST. If you're still drinking malt liquor and vodka from a flask at a business lunch, nobody's going to be there to hold your hair when you puke. Which is gonna happen.
3. You've had to talk to HR about hitting on everybody in the office.
In high school, you didn't have any option but to hit on the other kids at school. What were you going to do, take the bus to another district to try and get laid? But when you're an adult, you can meet people anywhere. Stop treating the employee directory like your own personal Tinder.
4. You actually think having a cool car makes you cool.
Did you just buy yourself a flashy sports car? Good job, dingus. Everyone at work is going to be really impressed by all your debt. Showing off your hot wheels in the school parking lot works a lot better when you're not there for a PTA meeting. Get yourself something with good gas mileage so you can afford booze.
5. You bully other adults.
Bullying is never cool, unless it's so funny that even the target has to give it up. But it's definitely uncool once you're a fully-grown adult who should know better already. If you've ever been giving someone a swirly and had to stop to go pick up your kids from soccer practice, you need to stop. You're the one who looks pathetic.
Face-warping apps are a lot of fun, but they also scare a lot of people, especially the mother of this girl. The original creator is unknown right now, but her short video, probably a Snapchat, was posted to the popular account of Instagram user Daquan, where it has since gotten over a quarter-million likes. It's hard to describe exactly what happens or exactly what the thinking, except that her look of pure terror...
...implies that she thinks her face might just stay that way forever:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BBTryeXlXiH/
According to the many comments on the post, her face literally killed thousands of viewers with laughter. Let's have a moment of silence for the giggling ghosts now haunting the Internet.
Despite the fact that this is "for research and science," as the first participant in this video is anxious to point out, it's seems like some or all of these participants trying virtual reality porn will go home and immediately purchase a set for their own independent research. The participants viewed similar but gender-specific clips that put them in the body of a very attractive person on a couch having fun with some other very attractive people. Their main complaint, as snarky as they try to be, is that the videos were too short.
That said, there was also hesitation about how scarily immersive it was, and how they're worried we will all soon be sitting around with porn masks on our faces, unaware or uncaring of whether people walk into our rooms. There is no nudity in the clip, but the participants are candidly narrating blurred-out porn, so it's only technically SFW and you may want to wear headphones:
Several California food writers were surprised on Wednesday night when they discovered that the meal they were being served by Neal Fraser, a well-regarded Los Angeles chef and one-time Top Chef Masters contestant, was made out of McDonald's ingredients. The McDonald's publicity scheme, which was conceived by Southern California McDonald's owners by blessed by corporate, also featured McDonald's operators watching and listening to the meal through hidden cameras, because the only thing better than tricking people into eating food is spying on them while doing it.
While they were initially lulled into complacency by the fancy digs, the Orange County Register reports that the writers started feeling like something was up a few courses into the meal, because the food didn't seem like Fraser's normal cuisine.
The soup above was made out of McDonald's guacamole, and was reportedly the only dish that diners didn't totally finish. Other dishes, including burger-patty spicy meatballs, were more well-liked.
The food writers were told to tag their images #ATasteofSoCal on Instagram, but some of the attendees have already removed their pictures; the OC Register piece links to images that are no longer there. Not all opinions were negative, though. Chef Eric Crowley said, "If I went to McDonald’s and got food like this, I would go more often."
When asked about the experiment, Fraser said that he refused at first, but agreed after doing more research into McDonald's ingredients. Eater also got a statement from Fraser's publicist that noted, "It was an intriguing experiment. The challenge was the draw. Is it controversial? Sure. But this is also a means to keep the conversation going."
It certainly is keeping a conversation going, even if it might not exactly the conversation Fraser and McDonald's would hope for. Supposedly there's going to be a video posted of the event later this month, in case you want to see a bunch of people who were just duped look uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, here's a picture of Fraser right after the reveal:
Whether or not you're invested in tomorrow's Super Bowl between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos, one thing is for sure: the 2015-2016 NFL season happened, and Bad Lip Reading is here to make it hilarious. The very talented over-dubbers at BLR have covered everything from the GOP debates to Star Wars, but the NFL is one of their favorite sources of material. The League, however, is very very protective of its TV footage, so enjoy it before they make it impossible to watch the video on our website:
By as early as next week, Twitter will no longer be Twitter, according to leaks from within Twitter—instead, it will decide for you which tweets are important, instead of the current model of simply displaying the most recent tweets from people you follow. This will be based on an algorithm, much like Facebook, which may mean who you follow doesn't even matter, since Facebook regularly shows you content from major brands it thinks you should like instead of things from your actual friends. This algorithm-based system is why everyone is always so happy with their choice of content on Facebook. This did not go down well with all the joke-writers on Twitter who spent years trying to convince strangers to follow them, and whose witty ravings will soon be replaced by whatever sponsored partner Twitter is promoting to its remaining customers:
What makes it so scary is that Twitter will pretend to be neutral and then do things like promote the tweets of, say, someone writing an article about Twitter:
Simone Giertz is a YouTuber best known for her innovative yet hilariously hapless robots designed to do seemingly simple tasks, like putting on lipstick. Simone is trying her best to take humanity into the Jetsons age, but anyone using her machines might soon find themselves yelling at Jane to get them off this crazy thing. For better or worse, women around the world will probably be applying their lipstick by hand for years to come:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcW70-6eQcY
Here's Simone's previous best-known "helpful" robot, The Breakfast Machine:
Americans all have their own Super Bowl traditions, like the many unique unhealthy snacks various states prefer, but one that is shared all over the country is someone loudly explaining how that yellow first down line gets superimposed on the field. Traditionally, the specifics of the story are made up on the spot by the explainer, but popular themes include a claim that it's beamed down from space and often involve recently declassified military technology. The true explanation is both way simpler and at the same time more complex, because it's a real answer about how technology works. The helpful folks at Vox created this explainer video that will walk you through it in about four minutes, so you can cough and politely make everyone in the room realize that you are the most knowledgeable and deserve the last piece of the party sub:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Oqm6eO6deU
Basically, the field is a big green screen, except it's also a huge painted field of grass with people running all over it and cameras whirring around willy-nilly. In order for the green screen to work, then, the three cameras in the stadium need to memorize what every inch of field (and player uniform) looks like in every possible condition. No matter what happens, no matter how fast the cameras are moving, the system (known as "1st and Ten") knows which pixels are field, where on the field they are, and which pixels are players, balls, refs, and other non-field things.
In this story from Canada, where even the dogs seem to be nicer, a recently adopted momma dog named Maggie (whose own puppies recently left to go to their own homes) was staying at Barkers Pet Motel and Grooming when she heard the cries of two new foster puppies after the humans left. Maggie somehow escaped her own cage and searched the facility for the source of the distress calls, comforting the puppies (Hanna and Kari) and laying down in front of their cage until the humans finally came back.
As it turned out, Maggie didn't wait very long because Barkers owner Sandi Aldred was checking the surveillance cameras on her phone while she was out to dinner with her daughter. Since Barkers was fostering Hannah and Kari from the Alberta Animal Rescue Crew Society, Adlred's daughter immediately recognized not only that the dog who had escaped was Maggie, but which cage she was in front of and what must have happened.
The attention this story has brought has ensured that Hannah and Kari have already gotten plenty of interest from loving homes that want to keep them happy in the future.
Beyoncé released a new video this afternoon, 'Formation.' It's so fresh off the press that even the hottest of takes are turning to ash in blogger's hands, but suffice it to say that it is aggressively and unapologetically socially aware in addition to being absolutely badass from the opening the rhetorical question of "What happens after New Orleans" to imagery ranging from antebellum style to the present day. Then, of course, there's the already-viral promise to to take him to Red Lobster (provided certain conditions are met). Beyoncé has her middle fingers up for much of the video, and you'll thank her the whole time.