The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.
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If you're going to take credit for all my work, let me tell you about what I just did in the bathroom.
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I like you enough to say it without a hint of sarcasm.
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12 Ways To Set Realistic Expectations For The Weekend
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You gave me a near-actual orgasm.
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Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
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You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.
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I already can't wait until your story about the weekend is over.
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I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.
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Based on your track record, it should always be my turn to pick where we go for lunch.
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I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.
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10 Parental Advisory Stickers That Should Definitely Exist
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I'd be willing to set my alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier if you wanted to have morning sex.
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Best of luck to Alec Baldwin on escaping paparazzi and showbiz phonies by moving to L.A.
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11 Rosetta Stone Language Programs You'll Wish Were Real
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Some of my best friendships are based completely on mutual exploitation.
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Your exquisite breasts have exacerbated my asthma.
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I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without actually dying.
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May your breakup be less messy than your relationship.
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I need a hug that results in wild sex.
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