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The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.


If you're going to take credit for all my work, let me tell you about what I just did in the bathroom.

I like you enough to say it without a hint of sarcasm.

12 Ways To Set Realistic Expectations For The Weekend

You gave me a near-actual orgasm.

Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.

I already can't wait until your story about the weekend is over.


I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

Based on your track record, it should always be my turn to pick where we go for lunch.

I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

10 Parental Advisory Stickers That Should Definitely Exist

I'd be willing to set my alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier if you wanted to have morning sex.

Best of luck to Alec Baldwin on escaping paparazzi and showbiz phonies by moving to L.A.

11 Rosetta Stone Language Programs You'll Wish Were Real


Some of my best friendships are based completely on mutual exploitation.

Your exquisite breasts have exacerbated my asthma.

I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without actually dying.

May your breakup be less messy than your relationship.

I need a hug that results in wild sex.

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