On Tuesday, British mom Susie Verrill tweeted a picture of her son, because she realized his face looks exactly like Donald Trump while he's having a poop. The man who is number one in the GOP looks like a kid taking a number two in England. It is a striking resemblance:
The hair really brings it together. If this little guy met Trump in person, it would be magic. But first, he'd have to come to America. The UK hates Trump so much they almost voted to ban him from the country.
NBC Bay Area news was at San Francisco International Airport over the weekend, talking with football fans who'd come into town for Sunday's Super Bowl. That's when they happened upon Broncos fan/interview gold Justin Kerrigan, who admitted that he'd spent $21,000 on tickets to the game but then quickly added, "Don't tell my wife!" Smart, Justin! Now there's no way she'll ever know.
The clip opens with the reporter asking, "How much did you spend?" and Kerrigan answering, "Twenty-one." Then the reporter asks, "And how much do you think you'll spend on the entire trip?" and Kerrigan's response, "Thirty grand," throws him for a loop. Kerrigan clarifies, "Oh, I spent twenty-one thousand on the tickets." It's okay, though, because that's for four tickets, not just two. Whew! His wife would be so glad to hear that part, if she ever found out, which of course she won't, because he specifically told the world at large to keep it a secret. Nice job, buddy!
All celebrities have hidden talents, and TheTonight Showexists to ferret them out and exploit them for sharable Internet videos. It turns out actress Katie Holmes' secret talent is grabbing red plastic Solo cups from grown men more quickly than anyone else during a game of "Musical Beers."
Wow, that was pathetic, Ryan Reynolds.
Find something else to criticize, haters of brunette Anne Hathaway, because the actress has a new hair color. Hathaway, who is expecting her first child, dyed her hair a lighter blonde hue. Along with the selfie portrait she posted to Instagram on Monday, she even cracked a self-deprecating joke, which is something relatable humans do.
Be honest. Did I unwittingly dress like a fashion scarecrow this morning?
BE HONEST. Don't lie about this. Are you getting the scarecrow vibes? If so, is it because she's off to see the wizard, or is she subtly telling the haters to get brains, hearts, and courage?
St. Patrick's Day is coming up on March 17, and while some choose to prepare for the holiday by stockpiling beer, others are more traditional in their holiday celebrations. Cookies, for example, are frequently enjoyed on St. Paddy's, and given that the holiday is basically one big stereotype, leprechaun-themed treats are a must.
Accordingly, a rainbow cookie with a pot of gold is a fitting tribute to the day—at least when the cookie resembles a rainbow. But the "Somewhere Over the Rainbow Pot O' Gold St. Patrick's Day Cookie Cutter" for sale on Amazon has a particularly unfortunate shape. So long as this particular cookie cutter is used, sugary rainbows will not be the dessert of choice at any St. Paddy's party.
Even with a myriad of colorful frosting, this cookie cutter can't shake its penis resemblance.
Fortunately, this terribly-designed cookie cutter has not gone unnoticed. It's received a number of excellent reviews.
While likely not suitable for a family St. Patrick's Day party, the nice thing about this cookie cutter is that it can be used year-round for more adult-themed celebrations.
In a letter written to The Mirror's advice columnist that will surely have people playing their tiny violins in sympathy, one 31-year-old complained about the enormous size of his dick.
"My problem is a big one," the anonymous man kicked off his letter to Coleen Nolan, "It’s most men’s dream to have a big penis, but for me it’s a nightmare."
Are you crying yet?
"Thinking back," he continued, "I always knew it wasn’t average from when the older lads used to comment on it when in the showers after sport. It even got its own nickname."
For some reason, this guy does not reveal the nickname of his giant penis. Readers will be forced to come up with their own. And sadly, the punny letter turns into a bit of downer here.
"Great you would think, eh? Well, no, because I’m still a virgin at 31," the man wrote. "The closest a woman gets is putting a hand on it and once an escort lady refunded my money and left."
Again, more detail would be very helpful—did these women ever say anything? Is the giant penis literally the only thing standing in the man's way of fulfilling his dream? Too many questions.
The anonymous guy ends his letter here, saying, "Please help. It’s making me very unhappy."
Coleen gave this guy some pretty realistic advice, and in doing so missed some great opportunities for innuendos.
"I think the real issue for you is that you’re still a virgin. I think being teased at school can have a huge impact on you later in life," she responded. "That kind of teasing or ‘banter’ stays with you and can be a kind of block to what you want to achieve."
Teasing is an emotional cock block, got it.
"So, what I’m saying is, OK, you might have a big one, but it might not be as much of a problem as you think," she wrote. "Maybe you’ve built it up to be a larger issue than it is."
Is this Coleen's way of asking for measurements?
"And maybe you’re not letting anyone get closer than putting a hand on it because you’re the one who’s scared," Coleen added, getting to the emotional stuff. "I honestly think that when you meet the right girl and feel really comfortable with her, you’ll sort it out."
"It’ll be something you can deal with together," Coleen wrapped up. "And that might involve some counselling or sex therapy."
Coleen makes some great points, but some of her advice may be invalid if the guy's penis is truly way too big.
Further proof of his struggles is absolutely needed.
In the wake of Susan Sarandon displaying some cleavage on the red carpet—and getting on Piers Morgan's bad side—her son appeared at the Zoolander 2 premiere in a show-stopping outfit. The 23-year-old Miles Robbins (his dad is Tim) posed next to his mom in a baby blue blazer that had My Little Pony plushies and an assortment of fabric haphazardly tacked on. Aside from the blazer, the actor sported a button-up and white stockings.
Rainbow Dash looks like she had a great time. The lucky pegasus and a few other ponies even got to hang out with Ben Stiller.
Between Ben Stiller's son pulling off Blue Steel and Miles Robbins' sweet blazer, the kids really stole the show at this red purple carpet.
It's that time of year again—Oscars season. And, of course, all the great, ridiculous swag that goes along with it, in the form of the infamous Oscars gift bag that every nominee takes home. Distinctive Assets, which sounds like the name of a high-end call girl company but is actually the company that puts together the nominees' gift bags, values the total worth of this year's goodie bag at $200,000, which sounds like just about the right amount of free stuff to give people who already make six-figure salaries.
According to the press release, this year's bag is “once again a blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift.” Oh, boy. So what are some of these "functional" items? According to The Daily Beast, the bags include (among other things):
This is especially useful for all these celebrities without cars or drivers of their own. Oh, wait.
Vaping—it's not just for Leonardo DiCaprio anymore.
Nobody mention the part where you can actually walk around Japan for as long as you want, basically for free.
$31,000 worth of face cream? How many centuries are these people expecting to live?
Look, these people don't need a "celebrity wellness expert." They're getting over $200,000 worth of free stuff just for being successfully famous, so they're already doing supremely well at being celebrities.
According to their website, this package is called "The Welcomer," as in "Welcome to my butthole, Swiss toilet paper! Before you came along I had to wipe with fifty dollar bills!"
WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT, OSCARS?
Great, that'll be super useful when the zombie apocalypse finally starts.
From the makers of the Vampire Facelift comes the Vampire Breast Lift, which utilizes the recipient's own blood to tackle the atrocity of gray, droopy breasts.
According to their website, "You can have the Vampire Breast Lift® procedure at noon and then go out to dinner that night!" Whether you'll be dining on food or blood that evening isn't specified, nor do they say whether or not you'll ever see daylight again. Who cares, though—like the famous saying goes, gray boobs look best in the dark, right?
Sometimes, it turns out, the anonymous denizens of the Internet can be really kind. Redditor jmcdonell wanted to do something nice for his 88-year-old grandmother whose brother died in France after the D-Day invasion, but his simple online request for someone to help him photograph the gravestone yielded much more than he expected from helpful French and American expatriate strangers.
Jmcdonell posted the request in the France subreddit, where he also mentioned that he didn't know much about the war experience of his great-uncle, Pvt. Waldemar Knoll, because his grandmother always found the topic of her brother too emotional to discuss.
His primary request, for a picture of the gravestone, was answered almost immediately (picture below):
Already, jmcdonell's mission could be considered a success: proof that his great-uncle's memory was being honored with a beautiful gravestone in one of France's well-maintained national cemeteries for American servicemen. But that was not to be the final chapter, as an American living abroad dug deeper and found the battle history of Waldemar's unit, as well as some moving photos related to his part in the invasion.
The photos Arthur233 found are below, but he also found more to the story of Pvt. Knoll's role in the Normandy invasion. The helpful ex-pat explained that this is a hobby for him, and that he finds a lot of meaning in the memorials to the war dead in France.
Another user found his great-uncle's obituary in the local paper:
Here are some of the photos from Arthur233's findings. The "direct photo" is the grave mentioned above, but here is the aerial shot of the cemetery, showing what a beautiful space France created for the fallen soldiers of their allies.
More poignantly, he found images of Waldemar's division in the Normandy invasion, as well as images of the defenses they were up against and a map of the region liberated by the men Pvt. Knoll fought alongside.
Obviously, jmcdonell was very grateful, but everyone who happened upon the story was very moved, as well. Even though WWII is passing from living memory, the bonds between the world's first two revolutionary democracies remains strong.
Anyway, especially in an election year it can be a really nasty America, Internet, and world out there. This is one small reminder that the world could still get a lot nastier—but it can also, right now, be a lot kinder than we think.
Related: After 70 years, someone found this veteran's lost WWII love letter to his late wife.
Ross Putman is Hollywood producer who created a Twitter account, @femscriptintros, to tweet actual descriptions of female acting roles he reads in scripts. He tweets them verbatim from the scripts, but changes every character name to "Jane." He's doing it to reveal perceptions and limitations of roles for women. Many of the descriptions are sexual or focus on looks:
Apparently some screenwriters think women can't be attractive if they work or go through that natural progression called aging. And "natural beauty" fighting through a "plain blue Ann Taylor outfit" sounds like a scene from a superhero movie. The good news is that lots of talented women, including Olivia Wilde and Amy Schumer, are already mocking and changing these Hollywood cliches.
When a dad named Patrick Pipino dropped his daughter Isabelle off at school a little late, he wrote a letter to his teachers explaining the tardiness. You see, Isabelle and her dad just couldn't let Glory Days pass them by, and were Tougher than the Rest.
PolarDorsai posted the following note on Imgur, which proves that honesty is the funniest policy:
To Whom It May Concern:
Please excuse Isabelle's tardiness in school today.
In the interest of honesty, I feel it my obligation to be straight with all of you as to the reason.
Last night Isabelle was lucky enough to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in Albany, and darned if he didn't play for three and a half hours.
This may not seem like a good excuse, but have you every wondered how many kids would be late-or miss school outright-if God were to suddenly appear?
It's something like that.
Sincerely,
Patrick Pipino
Father
Springsteen and the E Street band are currently on a world tour celebrating his seminal album The River. At the tender age of 66, the Boss plays famously long concerts, jamming for hours at a time whether or not there's school the next day. For those Born in the USA, there is freedom of religion—and the Pipinos find their god in the form of Bruce Springsteen.
That's a dad with a Hungry Heart who knows The Ties That Bind.
School prepares you for life by teaching you stuff. It can also prepare you for life by boring you silly so you have to figure out ways to pass the time. It's just like how a boring job behind a desk leads to browsing hilarious comedy websites. Here are some kids who got a little too creative with their goofing off.
