Oscar losers don't fake a smile nearly as well as I do all day at work.

March 3, 2014, 5:46 am

≫ Next: 8 Celebrity Equations That Totally Sum Up The 2014 Academy Awards

≪ Previous: Sorry your version of a red carpet is a tattered, Merlot-stained throw rug.

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8 Celebrity Equations That Totally Sum Up The 2014 Academy Awards

March 3, 2014, 6:46 am

≫ Next: No one would have hated Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech more than Rust Cohle.

≪ Previous: Oscar losers don't fake a smile nearly as well as I do all day at work.

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No one would have hated Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech more than Rust Cohle.

March 3, 2014, 7:41 am

≫ Next: You'd have more time for lunch if you quit complaining about not having time for lunch.

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You'd have more time for lunch if you quit complaining about not having time for lunch.

March 3, 2014, 8:56 am

≫ Next: Congratulations to all the Oscar nominees on allowing yourselves to consume solid food today.

≪ Previous: No one would have hated Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech more than Rust Cohle.

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Congratulations to all the Oscar nominees on allowing yourselves to consume solid food today.

March 3, 2014, 9:33 am

≫ Next: May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

≪ Previous: You'd have more time for lunch if you quit complaining about not having time for lunch.

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May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

March 3, 2014, 11:20 am

≫ Next: Least Appropriate Password Security Questions

≪ Previous: Congratulations to all the Oscar nominees on allowing yourselves to consume solid food today.

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Least Appropriate Password Security Questions

March 3, 2014, 11:38 am

≫ Next: Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

≪ Previous: May your birthday party be as well-attended as an Ellen Degeneres selfie.

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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

March 3, 2014, 4:50 pm

≫ Next: Happy Fat Tuesday to someone who was already fat on Monday.

≪ Previous: Least Appropriate Password Security Questions

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Happy Fat Tuesday to someone who was already fat on Monday.

March 4, 2014, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I hope taking you out for free pancakes on National Pancake Day doesn't make me seem cheap.

≪ Previous: Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

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I hope taking you out for free pancakes on National Pancake Day doesn't make me seem cheap.

March 4, 2014, 7:30 am

≫ Next: I hope being unspeakably terrified of Louisiana from watching True Detective doesn't spoil your Mardi Gras.

≪ Previous: Happy Fat Tuesday to someone who was already fat on Monday.

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I hope being unspeakably terrified of Louisiana from watching True Detective doesn't spoil your Mardi Gras.

March 4, 2014, 8:24 am

≫ Next: Best of luck not walking directly into someone's public urination stream this Mardi Gras.

≪ Previous: I hope taking you out for free pancakes on National Pancake Day doesn't make me seem cheap.

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Best of luck not walking directly into someone's public urination stream this Mardi Gras.

March 4, 2014, 8:45 am

≫ Next: Thinking today of all the good times we had together at Mardi Gras but can't remember anything.

≪ Previous: I hope being unspeakably terrified of Louisiana from watching True Detective doesn't spoil your Mardi Gras.

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Thinking today of all the good times we had together at Mardi Gras but can't remember anything.

March 4, 2014, 9:08 am

≫ Next: Be careful about your Mardi Gras pictures ending up online with the 257 other pictures of you drunk and half-naked.

≪ Previous: Best of luck not walking directly into someone's public urination stream this Mardi Gras.

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Be careful about your Mardi Gras pictures ending up online with the 257 other pictures of you drunk and half-naked.

March 4, 2014, 9:35 am

≫ Next: Sorry the most romantic piece of jewelry you received this year was a Mardi Gras necklace.

≪ Previous: Thinking today of all the good times we had together at Mardi Gras but can't remember anything.

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Sorry the most romantic piece of jewelry you received this year was a Mardi Gras necklace.

March 4, 2014, 10:26 am

≫ Next: You're going to need a more powerful photo filter to make that lunch worthy of posting on Instagram.

≪ Previous: Be careful about your Mardi Gras pictures ending up online with the 257 other pictures of you drunk and half-naked.

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You're going to need a more powerful photo filter to make that lunch worthy of posting on Instagram.

March 4, 2014, 10:32 am

≫ Next: You've put more thought and analysis into True Detective than you have our entire relationship.

≪ Previous: Sorry the most romantic piece of jewelry you received this year was a Mardi Gras necklace.

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You've put more thought and analysis into True Detective than you have our entire relationship.

March 4, 2014, 10:57 am

≫ Next: 5 Graphs That Perfectly Sum Up Mardi Gras

≪ Previous: You're going to need a more powerful photo filter to make that lunch worthy of posting on Instagram.

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5 Graphs That Perfectly Sum Up Mardi Gras

March 4, 2014, 11:18 am

≫ Next: I'd settle for just seeing what's under your first two layers of clothing this Mardi Gras.

≪ Previous: You've put more thought and analysis into True Detective than you have our entire relationship.

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I'd settle for just seeing what's under your first two layers of clothing this Mardi Gras.

March 4, 2014, 12:23 pm

≫ Next: I'd never violate our company's sexual harassment policies by repeatedly asking you to expose your breasts on Mardi Gras.

≪ Previous: 5 Graphs That Perfectly Sum Up Mardi Gras

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I'd never violate our company's sexual harassment policies by repeatedly asking you to expose your breasts on Mardi Gras.

March 4, 2014, 12:55 pm

≫ Next: For Lent, I'm giving up making jokes about what I'm giving up for Lent.

≪ Previous: I'd settle for just seeing what's under your first two layers of clothing this Mardi Gras.

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