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Always remember to clean your clothes and your taggeed pics before a job interview.


May your lifespan be freakishly long.

10 Baby-Shaming Onesies That Will Totally Take Your Tot Down A Notch

I wish CrossFit got your personality in shape as well.

I never feel more vulnerable than when someone likes my Facebook picture from three years ago.

The only tough mudder I can brag about involves 25 minutes on the toilet.

I'm half impressed you ran a half marathon.

My new exercise routine is running away from people who tell me about their new exercise routine.


I have been warming up for our sex sessions.

Thanks for taking a break from complaining about your kids to let me know how great parenthood is.

Happy Technical First Day of Spring.

This winter was particularly hard on my having to imagine what your cleavage looks like.

Thank god this horrible winter weather has officially become horrible spring weather.

Let's binge-watch The Walking Dead until we make the zombies look lively.

Happy birthday to someone so old they watch TV shows on a TV.


Happy Vernal Equinox to someone who is about to Google the term Vernal Equinox.

At least Fred Phelps doesn't have to worry about Fred Phelps disrupting his funeral.

My deepest sympathies go out to whoever has to eulogize Fred Phelps.

Here's to Fred Phelps for uniting the world in celebration of his death.

I've got you as my number one seed in annoying me about your NCAA bracket.

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